Let me start by saying, I love my husband very much and we have two beautiful children together. I read and definitely appreciated the article, 'How Can I Recover Sexual Desire for My Husband after My Affair?'. I just have one problem. The woman in the article lost sexual desire for her husband and she ended up committing adultery. My situation is slightly different. My husband's infidelities and repeated returns back to the activities that led to the adulteries, have left me with 0% desire to be with him romantically/sexually.
Before the indiscretions, I was more than willing to be sexual with him, even initiating the act more often than not. I'm not even a fan of intercourse/penetration, which is another problem altogether, but this was a known fact, before marriage, by both my spouse and myself. The act of it didn't and doesn't lead me to orgasm, but I had no problem doing it forsake of the connection it brought.
After the adultery and porn issues surfaced, I lost all desire to engage in any sexual activity with him. The connection was permanently unplugged. That was 6 years ago. This issue had been repeatedly swept under the rug and only reared it's ugly head when my husband got up the courage to confront me on it. Most recently, (about 7 months ago to be exact), my husband lost his job after using a company computer to repeatedly ac cess porn, which introduced a virus to a security-sensitive department.
The job loss allowed us to finally address and discuss the matter in marital counseling sessions. None of which were any help for us because the fact still remains that I am not sexually interested in him. The thought of it actually brings about anxiety. It's so unfortunate because this was never the case early on in our relationship and marriage. I've been with him for 12 years and married for close to 10 of those years.
He wants to make it work and has a super strong sex drive which he says is exclusively directed towards me instead of the things that drove it when we first got married, but the thoughts of sex with him are unhappy.
The strength of his sex drive is a turn off as well. It doesn't matter what I say or do, how I dress, talk, walk, etc., this man is always ready and willing to be sexually intimate with me. It's as if his drive never shuts down.
Sex is the only thing we argue about. Besides sex, we can talk about and deal with anything. We are the best of friends, but if he doesn't get some form of sexual intimacy 'regularly', he resorts back to purposely searching for and viewing sensual images online, (even though he knows I monitor the
PC), in order to fulfill himself sexually. Each and every time I discover his late night site visits, it pushes my desire further and further below zero.
I have not cheated on him with another man and I am not even tempted to. I am very much attracted to other men though, so I am positive I can be sexual with another man if the future saw fit. I just don't know how to get there with my husband and forcing it only brings about more issues.
I firmly believe he has a sexual addiction and sex to him is for more than a physical pleasure shared between two people who love each other--especially since he wants to relate to me sexually on some level everyday and his alternative is always porn, which is one of the things that got us to this point in the first place. He on the other hand thinks his sex drive is normal and that it's absolutely fine that he wants sexual intimacy all the time. One thing's for sure...the difference in opinion has NO HAPPY MEDIUM! He says that if we were intimate on a regular basis, he wouldn't resort, but the only problem with that is: I have NO desire.
So the question I have is, How Can I Recover Sexual Desire for My Husband after His Affairs and Porn Addiction/Medicating? Should I separate from him or should we date each other? What about the children? How and where do I begin to develop a desire for him sexually? Is there an article on this site that parallels my situation? I hope so. Your help would be very much appreciated. I thank you in advance for it.

I'm no expert, but I think you have a right to be concerned about the frequency of his 'need.' Many men will tell you they'd love it every day, but they acknowledge that's not realistic and can deal with much less. I, too, think he needs to address this with a professional. Not because he is wrong and you are right, but because you cannot find a mutual solution. Not a marriage counselor. He needs to find a therapist that specializes in SF addiction, etc.

That said, if he does do this work, you owe it to him to work on your side, so you can be the one he goes to. Have you read about Love Busters and Emotional Needs? You need to learn all about them, then learn what you do to LB him, and work on stopping it. Stop all LBs against him. After you've done that a few months, then learn what his ENs are, and make sure you are the one person meeting all his ENs. Yes, SF will likely be his #1 EN; but you need to reach a joint agreement (POJA) that satisfies both of you about that. Meeting in the middle - every 3 days or something.

What happens is that, as you start focusing on him, on being the best wife for him you can be, you'll start reconnecting with the good things about him, and remember why you liked him in the first place, and the feelings will come. It worked for me.

The other thing you need to do is shake up your marriage. Get out of your rut. Do new things, go new places, take up a sport together, and work toward spending 15 hours a week together on fun or enjoyable stuff. It could be pulling weeds, if you both enjoy it. Or it could be trying a new restaurant. Whatever makes you two reconnect romantically.

Marriage Builders doesn't work when one person is actively an addict. I think that's been addressed here on the site with alcoholism. But you could subsitute any sort of addiction.

WRT his sex addiction, it's a real addiction. Learn about how addictions work. Figure out what your boundaries are. Have you read anything by Patrick Carnes? Gone to COSA or S-Anon meetings? Gone to any web sites like recovery nation.com or no-porn.com. Can you go see a sex addiction therapist?

If your husband is an addict and chooses recovery (not just sobriety), please understand the initial healing during recovery will take years. My husband's therapist (for sex addiction)said it takes couples 3-5 years to heal from SA.

Figure out what you can choose to do if he chooses not to recover. You can't make your husband recover. He has to want to change.

I just wanted to say....that my H has commited adultry with other W and through cybersex. I have also lost interest in having Sex with him and have no desire.

Each time I have caught him...he denies it. But, there has been enough proof to back it up. When I am sleeping he gets on the computer saying it is for work and clicks off what he is on and then the screen appears as work. He thinks I don't see the sudden movement or see the screen change colors. Amazing!

Anyway, I hope you find an answer.