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I forgot to mention that I got his latest phone bill and saw 2 big calls to OW after the plan B letter, then, nothing. Seriously, there has been two calls since for less than 2 minutes in total, and nothing in the past 2 weeks. I was there for those calls and she was on loudspeaker and she confirmed the no contact request and emailed me the letters.
I know this is not a perfect situation, far from it, but maybe he really is trying!
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Good grief.
I would like to remind you that this will NEVER be over whilever he has ANY contact with OW.
Recovery will be IMPOSSIBLE and you will endure years of gaslighting and abuse.
He's already suckering you.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I completely agree. I know the new band will be left in the lurch for the gigs so I think they do need a bit of time for one of them to exit the band without jepardising the rest of the new members. When I spoke to OW's mother last night, she is adament on OW quitting the band and focussing on non-WH related bands. I think the pressure will come that way thick and fast. She's a 20 year old girl grieving for a married 38 year old father of 2. Her parents want him out of her life - they see him as a bad infuence and a con-artist. WH did make an effort to kill off the friendship but try to keep the band working. I get there's problems with quitting band cold turkey with paid gigs in the pipeline for January, but I think it will happen sooner than he thinks.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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You really need to get some help to stop finding ways to put some sort of positive spin on your WH's abusive/gaslighting behaviors. know the new band will be left in the lurch for the gigs so I think they do need a bit of time for one of them to exit the band without jepardising the rest of the new members. THis is malarky. Singers for bands are not that hard to find. If they have ANY experience and ability to sing, they can learn new stuff right away. So, that's a bunch of b*&%. WH did make an effort to kill off the friendship but try to keep the band working. Huh???? When did this ever happen? He used this as a way to keep her in his life but to guilt you into accepting that she would be in his life. He never TRIED to kill anything but your Plan B. I forgot to mention that I got his latest phone bill and saw 2 big calls to OW after the plan B letter, then, nothing...I know this is not a perfect situation, far from it, but maybe he really is trying! Or, he has a secret affair phone-a pre-paid phone or a phone card he is using to avoid getting "caught". I gotta agree with BK-he's trying to sucker you in. Please listen to Rin. Re-read her posts. Go back and read her story. You will learn a lot and find some strength from her journey.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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Hi JT. WH doesn't know that I am receiving the phone bills. He gets them delivered via his online account and thinks I haven't seen a bill in 3 months.
It doesn't include calls she makes to him though. Also, it doesn't track text messages. My system is certainly flawed.
OW's mum rang about 30 minutes ago. OW's dad spoke to OW and WH last night. Everyone is very upset about reports of spending time away together. Apparently only about 2% of the message is true. They had seen each other but only at rehearsal.
OW's mum is confident that all friendship has stopped and can attest to her being home every night and accountable for her activities and they believe WH is not involved at all now.
I don't know what to believe. OW and WH have conned us all before, so what's new? Now WH lives out of home and has no accountability to me. Why wouldn't it continue?
I am hopeful as OW's mum is that one of them will quit the band very soon. I'll not believe anything at this stage.
Also, WH doesn't want me back and told me not to call him or contact him ever again (after my early morning calls on his sleepover night). He is not trying to reconcile with me at all and hasn't had contact with IM for 5 or 6 days.
I am hopeful of R, WH is not attempting anything.
WH has my plan B letter which asked for NC. I am in the wings waiting, and living life the best way I can!
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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2M2L; I'm quite puzzled by you. First of all: On my way home at 3:30am, I got a text message with a picture of my children in the clothes I had packed for the sleepover and a message saying to pick them up fromt he casino. I freaked out and called the number. It was a guy in Adelaide who doesn't know me, my WH or my children. I called WH but he did not answer. I sent him the message and asked him to confirm that the kids were not at the casino and I didn't have to pick them up.
That went down like a lead balloon. He answered and said the kids were asleep and he could see them. He was mad that I had called and woke them up. I explained why but... This appears to be a threat to your children. And yet you seem most concerned about speaking to WH about it. ??? The next day WH dropped kids off at my parents house and told my dad about my late night phone call, said I was drunk and at a party and it was a bullsh1t excuse.
I showed my parents and sisters the message and they completely understood. They saw the time of the message, the number and the photo of the kids in the outfits that they came home in that day (Christmas shirts etc). They too knew how worried I would have been and why I called him. What more can I do? I had finished drinking at 11pm and I think WH was annoyed that I was out late when he had the kids. Why didn't you call the police???? Were you drunk when you called him? Was this some made up event to give you a reason to call? When I got home I pottered around happily. My weekend had been fun and hassle free. I missed WH but I felt great. What about the threat to your children? I would have classified the weekend as terrifying and stressful.... Then, OW's mother called me. She accused me of sending her 3 text messages saying WH and OW had been away for 3 nights at the beach away together. I said I didn't send it, don't know her number and haven't spoken to WH for x. I said WH was with the kids on Friday but I didn't know his movements for Sat or Sun. Did you have a friend do it? Did you have anything to do with it? I sense that Plan B is not for you. I sense that even if WH respects it, YOU DON'T. You will find ways to contact him. You don't want him to leave you in peace, you crave the drama. Its very unhealthy. Both of you are VERY unhealthy.
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WOF, you keep asking if my story can be real, it is. I am real, my story is real. I wonder how I can get through life with such mixed up and confused things in my head! Anyway, I found the MB photo album and got posted up there for you to see. The photo was one WH snapped at his friends wedding last month. BK, I loved your family shots, you look like a kind man with a very lovely, loving family. "Here's the link, and the password to view the album. Please remember that MB is a public forum, and so is Photobucket. The album is "private", so the wandering Photobucket public can not view it on Photobucket, and therefore WE MUST use the password to view it. However, anyone looking HERE can obviously figure out the password. Hope that makes sense. MB Photo Album Password is the last name of the author/Dr. that created this website and books of marriage principles. The first letter is capitalized."
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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2M2L; I'm quite puzzled by you. First of all: On my way home at 3:30am, I got a text message with a picture of my children in the clothes I had packed for the sleepover and a message saying to pick them up fromt he casino. I freaked out and called the number. It was a guy in Adelaide who doesn't know me, my WH or my children. I called WH but he did not answer. I sent him the message and asked him to confirm that the kids were not at the casino and I didn't have to pick them up.
That went down like a lead balloon. He answered and said the kids were asleep and he could see them. He was mad that I had called and woke them up. I explained why but... This appears to be a threat to your children. And yet you seem most concerned about speaking to WH about it. ??? The next day WH dropped kids off at my parents house and told my dad about my late night phone call, said I was drunk and at a party and it was a bullsh1t excuse.
I showed my parents and sisters the message and they completely understood. They saw the time of the message, the number and the photo of the kids in the outfits that they came home in that day (Christmas shirts etc). They too knew how worried I would have been and why I called him. What more can I do? I had finished drinking at 11pm and I think WH was annoyed that I was out late when he had the kids. Why didn't you call the police???? Were you drunk when you called him? Was this some made up event to give you a reason to call? When I got home I pottered around happily. My weekend had been fun and hassle free. I missed WH but I felt great. What about the threat to your children? I would have classified the weekend as terrifying and stressful.... Then, OW's mother called me. She accused me of sending her 3 text messages saying WH and OW had been away for 3 nights at the beach away together. I said I didn't send it, don't know her number and haven't spoken to WH for x. I said WH was with the kids on Friday but I didn't know his movements for Sat or Sun. Did you have a friend do it? Did you have anything to do with it? I sense that Plan B is not for you. I sense that even if WH respects it, YOU DON'T. You will find ways to contact him. You don't want him to leave you in peace, you crave the drama. Its very unhealthy. Both of you are VERY unhealthy. I most certainly did not have anything to do with the text to OW's mother and have not had anything at all to do with them post exposure and plan B. I didn't ask anyone to do anything and was completely taken aback by the phone call and accusation. I know nothing about it. As far as the threat to my children on Friday night. I was absolutely beside myself with fear and worry. It was the very first sleepover with the children and WH. I made 2 phone calls at 3:30am to the guy in Adelaide and realised that he was interstate and he said it has happened 4 times this week with other messages. I called my WH and he confirmed the kids were asleep with him and it was a message he sent to me last Sunday at 5pm. It was a coincidence that they were in the same clothes. If I hadn't have spoken to my husband and the guy in Adelaide, yes, I would have called the police. I absolutely did not need to call my WH and did not crave to hear his voice or communicate with him at all. I have the proof of the message and the communication with the third party and that's all I need to justify my behavior. Plan B doesn't factor in having to pick your kids up from the casino at 3:30am. What if it was true... The police cannot take the kids from me or my husband without a specific court order so there would be nothing I could do, but the message was a request to pick them up. I do not want to communicate at all with WH. I want my H back. I had a relaxed Friday night with friends and enjoyed my night off. I hated the message and the drama but it was what I was given. I dropped it when I had dealt with it and focussed on my family and me again - just as you should in plan B. Last night with the phone call was horrible and I felt completely violated, again. I don't want anything to do with OW or her family ever again. I hope they have a great Christmas while I suffer with only half my family. I want to focus on my kids and my parents and my sisters only. I want plan B. I would love for my H to come back full of love nad committment to change. I know I have a lot of growth to do too, but I have been on a really hard journey and I'm hurting everyday. I am honest on this forum and I expect wrath when I have been wrong or stupid, but I really didn't ask for these two events and had nothing to do with either of them. Sometimes I just want to be in a coma or on life support so that I can fully rest. I'm tired and doing the very best I can.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Totally off topic, but I loved the pictures!! MelodyLane, Pepperband, Believer, and all the rest: I don't know how to say it, but you were all that I pictured: strong, beautiful women!
Its so nice to have visual confirmation of my imagination and now have faces to put with the wonderful words I have received here.
Being in PB, I think of you all when I think about contacting WH for no good reason, and then I think of you all, my PLAN and it subsides....
Thank you...
Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10
"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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I do not want to communicate at all with WH. I want my H back. What you fail to realize and I did too is in cases like these WH and H are the same person...this has always been their personality but WE FAILED TO WANT TO SEE IT TO ACCEPT that this IS who they are... Lucky for me I wasn't dealing with mental health but you are... I was the same way wanting to see the good things and pushing the bad to the side...wanting to believe that I could save my M...I certainly didn't take that vow to get D...that was the last thing I wanted...I wanted my M, but not at the expense of the abuse... THe abuse that you have been experiencing was there before YOU found out about the A...the hardest part for me was admitting the truth! Because if I admitted that then I was a failure, something was wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with me...the only thing I did wrong was pick him...it's a hard concept to accept... I see myself in your posts...I see how wishy washy you are...I was the same way... he's playing game with you...not he wants nothing to do with you and you are doing exactly what he wants you too...he's showing you that you can't live without him...that you need him more than he needs you...he's reeling you in again to accept more unacceptable behavior... STOP ALL CONTACT...you need time ALOT OF TIME TO GET BETTER!!! STOP FOCUSING ON HIS STUFF, what he's doing, what he's saying...read a book...call a friend...take a bath...focus on taking care of yourself...DO not answer any calls from OW's parents, friends, WH, or anyone else who trys to pull you into drama...you have to cure your addiction too...your addiction is WH...and it take a while to cure!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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S4B, I do not know your whole story, but I very much appreciate your posts to 2M2L. There is abuse there -- maybe on both sides, there often is, but I don't know for sure. It sounds like you have lived with some kind of abuse and can see a pattern here.
2M2L, please listen to the posts here. I'm not sure what is the reality of some of the situations posted here -- we probably all edit to some degree, either for brevity or for self-protection, but since some of your earliest posts, my gut alarm went off. I don't know exactly why, but I think the easiest way to say it is I have often felt that you said what people wanted to hear, but your actions were very different.
If you choose NC with WH, it is possible. His attempts to contact are getting through and honestly, I think that is because YOU are letting them through. YOU have to let people in your life know that you are blocking contact to help you recover, and THEN DO IT!!!!
"What you do speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say."
Every day where you have NC should be a success. Stop contacting your WH; tell your girls that you and daddy need "a time out," and take that time to care for yourself and your kids. Your husband has a lot to deal with -- so do you and from what you've posted here, you are not yet ready to do that work together.
I say these things to be helpful; I hope they are.
Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10
"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Had a EA and PA when I was pregnant with DD - felt I had trapped him into having a baby too soon and blamed me.
He was thankful that I had apologised and appreciated what i said but livid that
I wanted him to end his friendship with BF.
He did not talk to kids from Thursday night to punish me. DD was so hurt and cries for daddy all the time.
Not sleeping well and distressed at daycare.
I know he is in the fog but I think we are back to an even playing field
with no need for him to be angry or retaliate (MAJOR goal, he gets so mad),
After exposure he has been textbook as far as saying I have gone too far, if it wasn't for x we would be y already,
he can't love me after this, I've gone too far, everyone thinks I'm crazy and a psycho for doing this etc.
He's not happy. Told me this is all fxxk'ed up and my fault.
He said that he is sick of me calling him and asking did you spend x etc. I said I am guilty of being too controlling and am sorry
but he did ask me to control the finances and the budget and expenses
form a part of that tight ship.
He said that we have a wonderful history together and he wants to try and get "us" back but is finding it difficult to see the
woman he married. He doesn't want pressure of losing his marriage to rush finding himself and get back on track,
but understands I will not wait forever.
He told me that there is no room for the weekend seminar for him. I am praying so hard that they can find a place for him.
You sound SO MUCH like the voice in my head that I try to ignore for fear of rocking the boat. I do walk on eggshells and tiptoe
around and if I am ever
less than perfect...you know the rest!!!
He invited me to his graduation last night and I signed up for my own course in 3 weeks. He really wants me to do it for myself
and I know that it will help me stop the LB's and become a wonderful person again.
We chatted and he massaged me for about 30 minutes before SF. He was attentive to me too and different. He talked to me and
explained some feelings which he had discovered about me and SF and it was really special.
We chatted after that for another hour in bed. It seems that I am fulfilling his EN and SF and it's a lovely feeling. He said
that he needs a lot of time to be able to offer me the kind of marriage I deserve and he doesn't think I will wait that
long. I told him that I never want our old marriage back and that I have no intention of pressuring him back into the marriage.
He genuinely thanked me for that. Not sleeping well and distressed at daycare.
I know he is in the fog but I think we are back to an even playing field
with no need for him to be angry or retaliate (MAJOR goal, he gets so mad),
After exposure he has been textbook as far as saying I have gone too far, if it wasn't for x we would be y already,
he can't love me after this, I've gone too far, everyone thinks I'm crazy and a psycho for doing this etc.
He's not happy. Told me this is all fxxk'ed up and my fault.
He said that he is sick of me calling him and asking did you spend x etc. I said I am guilty of being too controlling and am sorry
but he did ask me to control the finances and the budget and expenses
form a part of that tight ship.
He said that we have a wonderful history together and he wants to try and get "us" back but is finding it difficult to see the
woman he married. He doesn't want pressure of losing his marriage to rush finding himself and get back on track,
but understands I will not wait forever.
He told me that there is no room for the weekend seminar for him. I am praying so hard that they can find a place for him.
You sound SO MUCH like the voice in my head that I try to ignore for fear of rocking the boat. I do walk on eggshells and tiptoe
around and if I am ever
less than perfect...you know the rest!!!
He invited me to his graduation last night and I signed up for my own course in 3 weeks. He really wants me to do it for myself
and I know that it will help me stop the LB's and become a wonderful person again.
We chatted and he massaged me for about 30 minutes before SF. He was attentive to me too and different. He talked to me and
explained some feelings which he had discovered about me and SF and it was really special.
We chatted after that for another hour in bed. It seems that I am fulfilling his EN and SF and it's a lovely feeling. He said
that he needs a lot of time to be able to offer me the kind of marriage I deserve and he doesn't think I will wait that
long. I told him that I never want our old marriage back and that I have no intention of pressuring him back into the marriage.
He genuinely thanked me for that.
He kissed me when he arrived and he kissed me when he left. He calls me pet names and called me to say he had a really wonderful
time with us and it was fun. Later that night we chatted and he was feeling down. I think that I have almost become the
lighthouse whilst he is in the choppy waters as posted in another thread.
Anyway, we've spoken on the phone since and he still blames me for treating him so badly for the last 12 months, like today's
outburst, but hey, I really have been trying.
He told me he was really mad at me for arguing in front of the kids - actually, I jumped out of the car so that I didn't
argue in front of the kids. He said it was unforgiveable to do that in front of them and just enforces the way I have treated
him over the last 12 months. Ok. I was upset but I really didn't treat him badly. He was looking for something and ramped it up.
I called 30 minutes later so DD could say goodnight and he was waiting in the car whilst they fiddled with the tire. He was
annoyed and I asked him if everything was ok. He brought up my jumping out of the car from Saturday. Hello, it's been 3 days!!!
I apologised, again, for hurting him and the children and said that I had made a terrible mistake and would work hard to make
sure it didn't happen again. Mistakes happen but you need to forgive me and put it in the past like I have done many times for you.
Yes, I have been paying for his accommodation. He promised to pay the money back when his benefits start coming through this week.
He doesn't get it and thinks that it was my fault that he left therefore I should pay for it.
He thinks that I have become nasty and bitter with no respect for him and yet it is a product of how we are both treating each other.
If he was home I would have an opportunity to love him and support him. Like I said, the 5 minutes + I hear from him or see him a
day (if I'm lucky) is filled with me trying to meet his emotional needs and give him reasons to love me whilst he picks apart my
conversation, body language and even unsaid imaginary conversations to find the negative and use it against me. None of my emotional
needs are being met and I am working full time and looking after the kids, house, finances, bills and when it suits him, my husband.
I really don't have much left to give.
I said he could come but I'd be here as I have things to do. He said he didn't give a F.. they are his kids and he's coming"
He will not answer me at all and is being really childish.
When I checked my laptop (it was closed) and there was pepsi all over it and through the keys, on the keys etc. I turned it upside
down and about 1/4 can tipped out. The two missing keys were in the very back of the drawer where I would never have looked and he
hadn't even attempted to clean it up. My take on the story is that whilst I was in the laundry, he opened my computer and saw the MB
page I had open and read my posts, emails to mutual friend/his boss, cracked it and tried to destroy my computer. It doesn't turn on,
IT dept said it is dead and will need to be completely replaced and now I am using someone else’s computer at work. ”Its actually really sad that we have come to this stage. U could have fixed it but u persisted in making it worse as u still do. U couldn’t hold your tongue if your life depended on it. I do love u, I really honestly do. You’re my everything and I guess when it all comes down to it you are my best friend. In the back of my mind I guess I thought we could work again, that we could fix this and move on and be a happy family again. I act tough but I really wanted that for all 5 of us” He always wanted us to have 3 children and often talks of us as a family of 5 ”But now you’ve committed the only thing I thought you never would. You mentioned to my brother about the trouble you could cause regarding xxx. I never thought for a second you had it in you. So this is goodbye my beautiful girl. I love you. I always will. ARILY” ARILY has always been our special word for Always Remember I Love You.
WH referenced a thing that happened in our past that could get him in a lot of trouble with the police. We always agreed to never mention it again and I never have.
I worried that it was a suicide message and I tried to call him, no answer, so I sent the message “You are handling a really tough situation in the best way you know how. I did not mention that to your brother. I am sorry that things are so confusing between us.”
I think the situation is worse than I realise. I am so in love with my H that I block out the bad and focus on the miniscule affection he throws me and it gets me through days and weeks. How do you feel about the first 5 pages of your thread? Do you see a honeymoon period and then a period that gets bad? How things have gotten worse? How much he blames you for ALL of HIS stuff? How he plays you, sucks you in and then pushs you away? It's the I love you but I hate you! The poor me... The games?
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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What I see is a controlling and manipulative person who gets what he wants from women by guilting and manipulating them. Have you read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men? You might recognize your H in there. Just like my daughter, he has got YOU apologizing to HIM! WTF!
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Thanks for your comments.
My MB plan B is on hold.
Finally printed (thanks screen hunter) the Why Does He Do That book and will be reading and implementing a new plan of action for recovery, not necessarily for the marriage, but for me and the kids.
I will write tomorrow. Still can't access from home.
Thank you for your cold hard advice. I will apply and make you all proud I hope.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Joined: Sep 2008
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2008
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I did a crash read of "Why Did He Do That" last night.
Plan B is a red flag to my WH and completely the wrong way to get out of the marriage or help him get any perspective on it. It really needs to be handled differently so I will keep reading and come up with a plan. I need his buy in so that I can have the space to plan things and get help and get out safely.
He followed the classic control methods...bought me the ring after plan b, promised me everything and when it didn't work, he escalated things to control me.
It's getting worse, not better.
I bought a watch that records conversations so I am taping all of his phone calls and threats to hurt me etc. An intervention order will actually make him worse (according to me and the book too) so my goal now is to diffuse the situation enough (whilst keeping some boundaries and holding firm) until he can be reasonable again.
I think I am also suffering traumatic bonding. I am sick for being attached to him and "encouraging" his sick behaviour. It's the cycle where the same person abuses you and then makes you feel better like a reward system. You have all pointed this out before and now I realise it is true.
I might have to leave him a few times before it can be done safely with children.
He will try and make me look crazy, bad mother etc and try and take the children from me. Anything to make me suffer as he feels he has at my hand.
I want it to stop, but plan B will not work in this case. I will seek additional help after Christmas and will call the women's domestic abuse hotline until then if I need extra assitance.
His OW has been playing games and telling him she misses him etc and he is feeding on that. She spoke to me the other night and now I am sure WH is blaming me for her distance too. Everything is so screwed up. I told her that she needs to stop contacting him and protect herself so she doesn't end up in the same situation as me. But, I think she told him that!
I am so sad about being without him for Christmas, but at least I know that he wont be with me for Christmas and I can hopefully celebrate peacefully. He is picking up the kids from my parents at 1pm tomorrow for a sleepover.
I wish it wasn't like this. He wont be in a place to get help or step back from the relationship until we are out of the choppy waters, and we are being tossed around badly right now. His brother is trying to settle him too, but who knows.
Please pray for me and for us.
-----edit------
Just wanted to say thank you to you all. I came on MB to save my marriage and I had no idea that my relationship with H was not normal and potentially dangerous. I'm scared, but thanks to you all I am now hopefully going to get out of this mess.
WH called and is blaming me for all of his lies that are falling apart with OW. She is going to the police and may press charges as he has used alter egos to update her website and she thinks they are real people! Oh, joy.
Last edited by 2much2lose; 12/23/08 05:51 PM.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
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Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I'm so glad you finally got to read the book. It terrifies me how many women fall into the trap because of our upbringing to be nice to everyone, to 'give.'
A couple threads that might help you: DTP's on GQII, and youngandlearning on ENs. Both faced abuse and both finally circumvented it, though in different ways.
Just know that it is extremely hard to extricate yourself from his manipulation. He has tendrils deep inside your subconscious, knows how to pull all your strings. PLEASE trust your instinct: if something feels wrong, question it. And PLEASE don't make any decisions without talking to us first!
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I want it to stop, but plan B will not work in this case. I will seek additional help after Christmas and will call the women's domestic abuse hotline until then if I need extra assitance. This is what I had to do also! I asked for their help, moved into a friend's house until the court kicked him out, and allowed us to move back in...I got a restaining order to keep him away during that time...while I was living at my friend's I didn't contact him...even had her pick up the kids from him instead of me...hence PLan B...NO CONTACT with him... Sure it was hard...there were times that I longed to talk to him, be around him, but I stuck close to me friends, family, and MB...PLan B is for you but you had to stick to it...it's not about recovering your M...it's about recovering YOU...saving you from the abuse...the distance helps you get you back...protects you from the controlling person that he is... You have somethings in your favor...he is already out of the house...I didn't have that...I was preparing to leave when he found out, the day before I sneak out the kids and I's clothes...when he called me that morning, I knew he was going to leave work and come find me...I just dropped the kids off at the sitter and was passing the house to go to work...so I stopped and got the last of our personal belonging... He came to my work, wanting to talk to me, but I was done, I was tired of it all...the last time he showed up at my work, it was to come get my laptop and I had stuff in the bag besides that...he tried closing the door of the truck on me, and called me a b!c)h before he pulled off...I was so scared, I called my friend and told her, then called my boss and my boss called the police...they made him leave and he was "so shocked" that the police was there for him...played innocent... Six and a half months, the boys and I lived in one room...was it worth it? Yea...I don't feel like I'm the crazy one anymore...I'm not "forced" to do things that I don't want to do in order to keep him happy...I don't have to tell the kids to behavior becasue they father's in a bad mood... At first I thought that he was just doing it to me and slowly I realized that he did the same things to them...Who wants that for their kids? It was really an eye opener... 2M2L...I see you getting it too and I'm proud of you! It's worth it all and you will come out of this fine...I understand the reward system that you are talking about...it's called the honeymoon period...everything that happened it sweep under a rug and all is happy...that short term memory is a killer! The best feeling I had in the weeks before I left was being able to write the check to my lawyer and know that I was doing the right thing for me and the boys! It's not going to be easy on the road to come but PLEASE HAVE FAITH THAT YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! I'll be here as much as I can...MOF, you are the reason I'm here alot now...there was several MBers to helped me and I just want to be able to give that back to you! You deserve SOOOOO much more, your kids too! You're on your way to becoming an AWESOME DIVA!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Bump...out of concern...hoping you are doing well and are safe...just not able to get to a computer or something...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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I was thinking about you today, how you said Plan B doesn't work for you cos of his abuse, and I just want to make sure you realize that that doesn't mean that you're supposed to go back to him and do what he wants, just so he won't get mad or violent. Don't ever cave. Call the police, leave, whatever you have to do, but don't show weakness. That's how they target you.
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