I'm new at this and my story is posted as "New BS - Please Help", so I'll give the shortened version here. We're both 44 and married 16+ years with 2 children ages 13 and 14+. 3 weeks and 25 pounds ago, I was informed by my WW that she doesn't want to be married anymore, is in love with an OP, is not in love with me, and has been unhappy with our marriage for several years. Since then, she has repeatedly said that she doesn't want to try to work on our marriage and has used strong words like "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him". I was shocked and this is the first I ever heard of there being a problem, but I was oblivious to my failure of providing her ENs. We never fought or argued. In essence, the OP was fulfilling ENs that I failed to do. I've learned alot from browsing through the MB website.

I've started the exposure stage and went straight to her family members, who had already been informed by WWs mother. I already let WWs mother know the morning of the occurrence and have been talking with her every day. She and all the other family members have noticed a change in WWs overall behavior over the past year or so since she's been going to the gym and lost weight and all of the family members believe that her actions are wrong. In fact, 2 of the 3 I spoke with are actually going to counselling themselves.

One suggested an intervention. WW will be at their house on Christmas Eve with the children (don't know yet if I'm going) and it could be an opportunity to gather the family members for an intervention.

Is this a good idea? It may be the only opportunity to do so.

Hi scared,

I don't think that's a good idea, but that's my opinion only.

I think if you and the family stage an intervention that she will just walk out.

I think it would make her more determined to keep her OM and prove everyone wrong. Just a feeling I get after reading your posts.

I remember being where you are right now. It sucks. Just try and remember to breath and pray a lot. It's really hard with the "fight or flight" instinct making your heart race constantly and your thoughts fly a million miles an hour, I know.

But just keep trying to stay as calm as you can. And eat something! I almost ended up needing to call the paramedics because I wasn't eating AT ALL and I depleted my body of the necessary nutrients to the point of nearly passing out--having dizzy spells so that I couldn't even walk and vomiting for about 18 hours straight until I finally took in a little nutrition with some broth.

According to my WS, who heard me almost puking up my liver, "Oh, it wasn't THAT bad." :RollieEyes:

Take care,

Charlotte

I'm thinking that this may be the only way at this point for her to get rid of the OP and stop the A, even if it might be a temporary thing while we work on the marriage and Dr. Harley's basic concepts. She comes from a very Christian family and ironically, she hasn't been to church in about a year since her transformation started. In fact, when I brought up how this goes against the Ten Commandments, her reply was that only one perfect person ever walked this earth.

Scared

I don't think that an intervention by HER FAMILY is a bad idea, but I don't think you should be there. If this is their way of showing support for your M then give them a thumb's up. Let them put pressure on her any way they can. You and your kids do something else that day.

Did you read that link I posted to you on your other thread(the carrot and the stick of plan A)? Work the plan. YOU need to be an attractive alternative to OM. Her family doesn't so let them do whatever they want, but you keep on the right track.


No, this is not the only way. Unless they have had a TREMENDOUS influence on her in the past, this will just get her upset with them because they don't see the "love" she has for OM She'll probably not flaunt it as much.

She won't stop her A until it becomes painful for her to continue with it. She is that selfish at this point. She has basically told the world that she is done with your M, she feels entitled to this A. It's going to take A LOT for her to see that HER FEELINGS don't trump what is right.

IMHO let her family have a field day, you stay at home that night.

edited to add: I don't think the kids should be part of this intervention. It could get extrememly emotional and they need to be protected from such an intense event. It could get very ugly.

Have you been plan A'ing?

Do they work together?

Did you expose OMW/GF/parents?

MicheleG,

Thank you for your comments. This event would take place on Christmas Eve when her families get together before going to church. It's an annual event. The kids will be there, but not at the intervention. I'm thinking that I won't go if an intervention is being planned, because it would be very awkward afterwards. It would also give her time to think about it, I suppose, and maybe going to church afterward will give her some revelation, but I doubt it.

Yes, I read the Carrot & the Stick, and I printed it so I can continuously review it. Plan A does not seem very effective right now because I'm essentially not given the chance to fulfill any EN's because she has withdrawn and essentially avoids me around the house, most likely due to a few emotional outbursts that I have had. All I can really do is some of the little things like putting the dishes away, keeping the kitchen neat, brushing snow off her car, saying "goodbye have a nice day", etc. These are some of the little things that I neglected during our marriage. I'm only adding pennies to the love bank, but withdrawing dollars when I have the outbursts. I'm doing my best to avoid them and think I can stay strong and avoid any future ones, now that I seem to be getting a handle on things and looking at her actions like an addiction and understanding how she got to this point. Dr. Harley's literature has helped me alot in putting things into perspective. I just need OM out of the picture and some thread of desire on her part to try and rebuild our love and marriage. I'm hoping the intervention will work.

TheRoad,

Trying to do plan A. See my other post to MicheleG.

I am fairly certain that OM is divorced, so there's not an OMW. What is a GF?

They met at the gym and work out every morning. I hear its a common thing this happens with folks from the gym.

Only her mother is alive and they had a great relationship for many years, but WW has been in less contact for the past year since she seemingly has changed. WW has made it clear to her mother that she has no interest in reconciliation, but the mother thinks she is wrong for what she's doing and should try to work it out. The problem with WW's mom is that she is in remission from lung and brain cancer and doesn't want to lose her daughter for the rest of her probably-shortened life. I wonder if she should be included in the intervention. I think not.

You may not think it's effective, but you'd be surprised what FWS say about that time period when they finally come out of the fog. Be consistent and continue to plan A even if you don't think it's working.

Honestly, if her family does this on Xmas Eve I don't see everyone being in a happy state of mind afterwards where they all go happily to church. I see fireworks and lots of mean things being said about you and your M. Your kids don't need to be within 10 miles of this intervention. Dancing Machine has it right...she will probably walk right out. Don't expect a sudden turn of events.

Work your plan.

This idea gets my vote. She needs to be made aware that her whole entire family, not just you, are affected by this. True, she may walk out on it, but she's not going to walk out of your house yet. She has no place to go right now, remember?

Just a warning, she is going to be very angry with you when she finds out you've talked to her family. Furious in fact. Waywards have a very short fuse and can be explosive. Be prepared for this. She is going to blame you for any strife between her and her family. She's going to say YOU turned them against her! Don't get defensive when she does. Just say that it is her choice to commit adultery that caused the strife. You simply told them the truth. Use the term "adultery" as well. Even if she's not religious, the biblical connotation gives it more power than cheating, affair, infidelity or running around.

Remember, a marriage can survive anger. It cannot survive an active affair. Her support network is starting to break down. This is very good.

Actually, I was not the one who initially told her family. WW's mother was very distraught and called her sister and H and told them, and they subsequently told their 3 children - all WW's cousins and all very active in the church. It was just me who initiated the exposure and basically describing that I want the marriage to work and filled them in on some of Dr. Harley's comments.

If she gets mad at me, so be it. At least I know that I made every attempt to have this M work out. Unfortunately, there's no better time than Christmas Eve, because they don't live vry close and they'll all be together at the same time. This doesn't happen often and she likes and respects these family members. I won't be going if I know an intervention is in the cards. One of the family members offered the idea.

I also like your idea of using the adultery word, rather than affair, which has been word of choice, at least when I expose.

scared, I would investigate this guy ASAP and find out if he is divorced. It is very common for married people to have affairs and represent themselves as married. Find out what he does, get his home phone # and call his house to see if a woman answers.

I would also strongly suggest that you pay him a visit to make sure he understands that your W is married and that you will fight for your marriage. Ask him-----------> what are you intentions with my wife? Let him know there is no future for him because he would be eternally hated by your children.

Have you told your children?

Well, I got a little more info about OM. Yes, he is divorced and lives in an apartment, but I cannot get the address or home number .... yet. He just dumped his girlfriend a month or so ago - probably for my WW. I did find out where he works - he's an oil burner service guy. I called the company and spoke with his boss and told him about the A. He said there's nothing he can do about what OM does in his personal life, but I made sure to mention that my WW frequently visits and meets with him in afternoons (with one specific date & time), as well as text messaging back and forth all day - during company time. They have a GPS on each vehicle, so they know where everyone is at all the time. He will look into it and figure out how to speak to OM about it. My only concern at this time is my WW finding out that I'm watching cell phone records for texts and phone calls. This just made me feel good, but my heart is still pounding. I'd love to see him get fired, but that probably won't happen.

Way to go Scared! He probably won't get fired (unless he's discovered using company time to woo your WW) but the fact that you spoke to his boss WILL get back to WW. Remember - when she gets angry, it's because you have hurt the affair! Be strong!

Scared,

WTG!!! Ya did good. Yes your WW will be mad so stay CALM. Do not apologize for fighting for your M and exposing the truth. Don't engage in any arguments. Just be casual.

Good job.

THIS is how a BH should create conflict.

well done

Pepperband.

Great to hear from you. You have provided some great wisdom, insight, and logic on posts I have read in the past. I'm glad to see you're on my team. I think it was you who started carrot & the stick - plan A, right? You're famous.

I'm a pain in the [censored]

Scared1,
Yes Pep is famous but then so are a lot of posters you have here. Listen to what they say, do what they say, and not half way. All or nothing. All or nothing strong kick butt exposure and strong precise and kick butt Plan A.



I would have to agree with you Pep you are a pain...... in my H's [censored] !!! LOLOLOLOLOL Sorry I had to put that in there cuz my Lil Pep is my SuperIM! Whooo Hooo and my IM can fly!

I just lost alot of strength. The cousin who thought it would be a good idea to have an intervention called the WW yesterday and WW emphatically said she wants the D, and I still don't fully understand why. Tonight I'm going to a fellowship support group function while she's out with a group of "friends". Seems ironic, eh?