Before you go to plan B, you need to have done a strong Plan A; I'm not sure you've done one.

What LBs are you working on, and how's that been going?
What are her top ENs and how have you been meeting them?

Remember, you have to do a good strong Plan A so that when she thinks of you she thinks of you in a positive light. If you just go dark it's easy for her to convince herself that you were the bad guy and you bailed as soon as you could.

I believe I've done a Plan A, maybe not the best one but I've done a lot of things that she found so unattractive in me. I have to guess at her top ENs but I believe them to be Family Committment, Honesty and Openness and Affection. I have been showing all of those things, but there are some negatives in there as well. In her mind, my giving up my step-son to her for liability and protection reasons was huge, and then my exposing the affair to him was another one. I just really can't tell and since we are separated physically and not talking anyway, I can't help but think plan B is the way to go, especially with this being her 2nd threat to keep my son from me. I just don't know, this is so hard.

Anyways, here is my revised Plan B letter.

Lori:

I love you very much and want nothing more than to repair our marriage and family, but you have indicated this is not possible from you. I have realized my role in allowing our marriage to get to a point where you could have an affiar, and I have made and continue to make positive changes in my life to be a better person, husband and father, but your continued involvement with James is very painful to me as well as both children and it is killing my love for you. In order to protect what love I have left, I am requesting that you no longer contact me.

Because we share Jacob and I have no one else for you to contact yet, please email any information or questions regarding Jacob to my home email address, but only if you have to. You, of course, may still call in the evening to say goodnight to Jacob, although I will be only giving the phone to him and hanging up when you and he are done.

Unfortunately, I will not be answering phone calls, mail, IMs, work emails or any other form of direct contact while you and James are having your affair.

I will be open to direct communication with you if you end the affair with James and agree to having no contact with him.

I love you very much and I never want that love to die so please understand and respect my wishes.

Your loving husband,
Mark

i would make the minor changes in bold.

Thanks to both of you HURTandSHOCKED and Turtlehead. I'm going to think about this for a bit and decide whether or not to send it. I may send it tonight or tomorrow if I do.

Thanks,

Well, I sent the PBL last night after pacing back and forth for most of the night. It's kind of hard to imagine acting as if I've moved on. I still feel the same pain in my chest by my heart that I felt over 2 months ago and the same feelings of helplessness and loss that I can't seem to describe to anyone. Acting as if I don't care and moving on with my life without doing anything myself to file for divorce is going to be excrutiatingly painful. I will wonder as I have been wondering each day if she'll just show up and hand me divorce papers one day herself. I hate this situation.

This is the best step you can take to get her to come to her senses, pulling her support out from under her.

WR,

Time to be strong. Make sure you stick to the Plan B now that you have initiated it. A poorly executed Plan B can leave you much worse off then you started. Spend some time on some other threads of fellow plan b'ers to see how they are managing (Tully's thread is great). BestFriend is in Plan B. Also, spend some time on KaylaAndy's Plan B Cafe thread. You have support here so use it!!

Stay strong and good luck!

Mindshare

Thanks guys, I've been reading some of the other threads and I see I'm not the only one that has a difficult time with it, but I know I have to be strong. The only thing I wonder about is how some things are going to come up where I have to talk to her in some way, like a decision about kids or when I want to visit with my stepson, etc. Plus, since I don't have an intermediate I'm going to have to meet her in person on weekend swap dates for my son. I hadn't really thought it through yesterday with those types of issues, and there may be a possibility I'll be needing to get off of her cellphone family plan and get my own, but I'll need her to meet me at the store if I want to keep my number. Stuff like that is creeping into my head now, and I'm not sure how to handle that so I don't look like I'm not living up to my Plan B.

I didn't get a chance to look at your revised Plan B letter until just now - that was very nice.

Thanks Turtlehead. I hope she eventually sees it that way too. Got any advice for me for Saturday. I have to meet her at our usual spot to get my son from her for my 3 days. I don't plan on talking to her at all, but if she says anything to me, should I ignore her or just keep it businesslike. I'm not even sure I'll be able to look at her.

Thanks,

How old is he again? Four?
(Maybe you could make a signature with the pertinent info in it; helps others keep things straight).

I'd just pull up close to her at the park, and either open the passenger door and wait for your son to come over to your car or get out and let him walk over to you so you can help him with a car seat if he's still in a car seat.

If your son is only four, you'll need to pretty much be right beside her, to keep things safe for your son... if she tries to chat tell her "I'm only interested in interacting with you after you've ended your affair and decided to commit to working on our marriage." She may rant and rave but I wouldn't even respond, not even to say "You're scaring Junior." I'd just let her know where things stand and then be quiet.

When you do go to pick him up, you know to be clean shaven and looking great and all that, right?

Expect her to act one of two ways. Overly nice, or mad as h@ll...

Regardless of how her "mood" is should have no affect on your, NON response to any questions or comments.

Ok, added signature. I think I got it right, couldn't find the abbreviations post. Yes, turtlehead he is four, so I will stay close to him, of course. And yeah, he has a car seat. Usually, I get there 1st usually and have to wait for her, so she will probably pull up to me. I have a feeling she will try some chitchat, but I'll pretty much just ignore it I guess and focus on Jacob. If she does rant, which I doubt, I guess I'll just ignore it too. I will definitely shave and look good, wear her favorite cologne, etc., but not talking. I don't think I'll mention the "I'm only interested" part, but maybe I'll just say please respect my wishes about communication.

Well, that was fairly uneventful. I met her at the swap and she was late as usual. Jacob was asleep in her car, so she took him out and I got him from her. She was a little chatty, but I didn't say a word to her at all, just got Jacob from her and got him in my car and we left. She also called tonight, which she usually doesn't do on a night we swap because it's at 6pm, to say goodnight to him on my phone, which I just handed to Jacob. I don't know where things go from here, but I guess it's just a waiting game from here. Either she'll give me divorce papers somewhere down the road, want to talk (which I won't do unless she can convince me the affair is over) , or I'll decide I want a divorce and move things along. Boy this suck. The worst part is the waiting. There is no closure so the pain just keeps going. Sheesh!

You're doing the right thing. Hang in there.

Thanks for the encouragement catperson. I know it's supposed to be the right thing to do, it's just hard. Guess I just have to keep working on myself now.

I've been in a relationship for 30 years where I pretty much put everything on hold, for the sake of the marriage. Not your situation, I know, but the one thing that stands out to me from that, which I think you could take away, is that, when I think about this earth we live on, and all the billions of things there are that one person could possibly do or see or want or have or try or become...it just boggles the mind at the endless possibilities for each and every person. Sure, people in third world countries won't have access to the same opportunities as I will, but the point is, there is SO MUCH out there for us to grab hold of and experience.

How can anyone go through life feeling there's nothing out there for them? Work on yourself? Darn right! What do you want to be? Who do you want to be? What do you want to experience, see, do? The world is your oyster right now! Go enjoy it!

I guess that's where I'm having a hard time with things. I can't seem to enjoy anything I try, my mind always reverts back to thinking about her, and imaginary conversations and imaginary happenings. That feeling in my chest by my heart follows me everywhere and it is difficult to even laugh at anything. It's been 2 months and I still feel about the same. I have my Dad and Stepmom visiting me right now for Christmas and I've had my son for the last couple of days, but nothing seems to be getting through my haze of sadness. I wish I could find something to help me turn off these feelings but I can't.

Catperson, I logically know what you are saying is true. It is a huge world out there and the possibilities are endless, but my mind just won't stop working overtime on this situation whether I want it to or not. It's really crazy to me how something like this could affect me so much, when nothing in my life previous to this came even close. A part of me wants to just let go of it all and erase her from my memory permanently to ease the suffering. I want to sleep all of the time to speed up time and yet my mind won't let me sleep. Counseling and anti-depression medication just don't seem to be doing anything for me.

Have you looked for a volunteering opportunity yet? That is the single best way for a person to stop agonizing over personal issues - to busy yourself helping others who are in far worse shape than you are. They need help so much, and are so grateful that you do help them, and it lifts your spirits...just goes on and on. Go to www.unitedway.org and find your local office, and ask them to help you find a volunteer opportunity that fits your personality. I promise it will help you.

And of course, there is church. Do you have one?