I completely understand what you are saying, but I Plan A is NOT being understanding or supportive necessarily.

Plan A is very very specific where you are meeting the Top 5(out of 10) emotional needs of your H and showing improvements(growth or 180's) in areas your H possibly complained about. The OW will not be able to meet the needs as well as you UNLESS of course your Plan A did not meet those needs to a T.

You see, in Plan B he will now have to go to the OW to get those needs that you have been meeting (hopefully) so perfectly, from her. It's okay during Plan A for your H to have a little cake, maybe this cake is better than before because you have made these great 180's in areas and when you go to Plan B, the hope is that he is gonna miss the taste, texture and loveliness or your darn cake. You want him to look at both of those pieces of cake and think OH MY GAWD the OW's cake is stale I gotta get outta here and back to my wifes lovely cake. Ok you get the idea. Just don't mistake being understanding and supportive for Plan A because it definitely is not. These plans are strategic in the war of adultery and definitely is not for the faint of heart but for the determined who want to give a fighting chance for the marriage.

I personally think your Plan B would be so much more powerful if you got the book read it, found out your H's needs and then went into the Plan B. Even if you did a kick butt Plan A for only 3 weeks it would have much more of an impact, but of course if you feel your love bank draining and you just can't Plan A, well then you just can't.

Has the book arrived yet?

I expect to have the book tomorrow.

A friend also pointed out something to me yesterday that with his prostate cancer and having to go through radiation therapy, I am not sure how he is going to even function as a man to please this OW.

That is food for thought!

Any comments

That is food for thought, so someone here is gonna be meeting EN's, I want that to be you.

When you get the book, go to the back, take the Emotional Needs test as if it was your H answering all the questions. Be as honest as you can in how "HE" would answer and then you will know his Top 5. Then go back to beginning of the book and dig in!

Spend the money to hire a PI to find out who the woman is and who you can contact in her family/friends to expose.

If you go to plan B now you may as well kiss your marriage goodbye. Plan B has to follow a stellar Plan A, which you have not yet done.

• You need to expose
• You need to get your angry outbursts under control, and other love busters (LB).
• You need to figure out what his top ENs are and bust your tail trying to meet them.

Being in Plan B will NOT help you sleep at night. You'll still wonder where he is and what he's doing. You'll still feel like a used dish rag. Plan B is a last resort, it's not what you start with.

You need to meet his ENs to the best of your ability. When you called him and said not to come for Christmas, you basically asked him to build special memories of the Holiday Season with OW.

Yes, you're going to feel used.
Yes, you have to do all the work right now even though he's the one cheating and yes, it sucks.
Yes, he's cake eating and no, it's not fair.
But that's the hand you've been dealt for the moment, as have all BS throughout the ages.

What you need to be doing right now is showing your WH that you CAN control your temper and other LBs. You're also showing him through your actions (not words and promises and pleas) that you can meet his ENs and be an attractive inviting companion.

Right now, because your H is wayward, he is always looking for excuses to justify his behavior to himself. He tells himself you're a witch and you're mean and spiteful and he was right to leave you. He tells himself OW understands him and that things will be better with her.

Your job is to be the absolutely most attractive YOU that you can be. Make him doubt his self-talk.

Yup Yup Yup! I agree my cute Lil Turtle!!!!

Stellar Plan A. At this point if you were him would you have anything to look back at and desire? If your not sure then Plan A is going to give that to you.

You know what helped me do a Plan A and I really gave it all I had. My WS had been out of the home for 5 months before I started. My Plan a was 7 weeks.

But guess what the VETS here told me NO EXPECTATIONS. So I am passing this wisdom to you. It is absolutely going to save your sanity in Plan A. It wasn't until I allowed a little expectation in, guess what, that was the VERY DAY I had to go to Plan B. That little bit of expectation in Plan A that drained my love bank that very instant.

If you have NO EXPECTATIONS you will have the patience to implement a Stellar Plan A and with out the anger. Right now you have expectations that your H should be acting as an adult with common rational thinking right? Well kick that out the door. He is not thinking clearly right now and the more you expect that from him the angrier you are going to be. So for now, if you can, have NO EXPECTATIONS of common sense from your H. You may find this anger will drop just a little. The book is going to also explain the addiction aspect of adultery to you and it will help you understand why they are incapable of thinking clearly.

I understand! - What about sending a letter to the Head of HR which would be H's boss.

I can't say they are using company phones and computers to converse. How would I know.

When should I send the letter and what should I put in the letter.

Help

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Lil Turtle struts about, proud of her cute name

ban, t2l is absolutely correct.
Another way of saying it is that the Plans are not about your WH, they are about *you*.

They are about you learning to be the best person and spouse you can be. He can eventually join you, or not, as he chooses. YOU, my dear, are embarking upon a journey that will bring back your self esteem, validate your sense of integrity, and help you find your strength again.

Many people see Plan A as too "doormat-ish" but it's only doormat behavior if you're doing it with expectations, or out of a desire to manipulate your wayward into behaviors that you desire. If you Plan A with the goal of improving yourself, and honing your skills, then it truly does not matter what WH's reaction is.

Another thing that seemed to work in T2L's thread was the advice to be the lighthouse. You are solid, grounded on firm rocks, shining the beacon of integrity. Your WH is floundering at sea, adrift, in mortal danger. Does the lighthouse run out into the ocean to educate the floundering wayward? No! Sometimes the wayward will drift closer and you'll be tempted to get your hopes up. Sometimes the wayward will drift away or go under and disappear from sight. Do you quit shining your beacon of integrity? No! The lighthouse cannot control the floundering ship. The lighthouse can only remain steadfast and constant, lighting the way back home. It's up to the wayward to follow that light or not, as they choose.

You are the lighthouse. You shine your beacon of integrity regardless of how the wayward drifts, or flounders, or fights.

I did talk to H yesterday and asked him to come over for Xmas and he said that would be very nice.

I don't understand where he is coming from sometimes because he was the one that asked me if he could come over.

Why would he not want to spend the day with the OW!!!!!

He also called to let me know he was going over to his parents last night so I would not worry where he was at.


What is this all about!

It's about you respecting yourself, which makes HIM respect you.

You're not getting it. He will change. He will flounder. Don't react to it. Don't try to figure it out. There is no point.

See above.

See above.


YOU Plan A.
Let HIM worry about him.

Really.

I have already informed his parents of what is going on along with his brother.

The next step is to send anonymous letter to the head of HR.

I have the OW's licence plate number but I can't get a handle on her name yet.

Other than hiring a PI, how can I track her down by the licence plate number.

Any ideas from anyone!

Thanks

Why anonymous? It will carry MUCH more weight if it's from a "real" person. Anonymous tips are easy to toss aside, saying "oh, some quack sent this..."

Also, you should send the letter to the head of HR *and* the CEO *and* WH's boss ... and the letter should indicate that the others have been cc:d. That way everyone knows that the other people have seen it, so they can't easily ignore it. It forces them to acknowledge the letter and hopefully take some action.

If you send the letter to only one person they're more likely to toss it into the trash, because they don't want the headaches (who would?).

I don't know if any of these are any good, but it's what came up when I searched Google.com for "license plate search"

http://gov-reports.net/license-plate.php?search=REVLIC&title=License%20Plate
http://licenseplate-search.com/1/
http://www.licenseplatehunter.com/
http://www.gov-records.com/?hop=jkwent&ss=pdsurveys&m=homea

Hopefully my book will be delivered today so I can start Plan A. I haven't received any calls from H in the last few days, he is very quite.

How can I even expect to do Plan A if he doesn't call me.

I keep thinking it may be too late. He has been out of the house for 7 months now!

Everytime I approach him about working on the marriage he says he doesn't know what he wants.

I sometimes feel just getting this over. I did go to an attorney last week and I told him about it. I actually sent him an e-mail and he responded with are you sure this is what you want, can we talk.

We did talk and he said don't make any knee jerk decision.

He is such in a fog and a very confused person right now.

Hanging in there!

Hello Again!

Hey its a good thing he has not called, you guys are not arguing and time allows for negative emotions to die down and diffuse.

Luv, of course he doesn't know what he wants, he is in fog land. DON'T ask him anymore, please for your own sanity you are only going to get the same fogged answer and you are going to get discouraged. NO EXPECTATIONS remember. By asking him aren't you having some kind of expectation on the answer he is going to give you?

I agree with the lawyer, and if you read and research you will find out that ANYONE who has just gone through some kind of crisis, like death, adultery etc should NOT make any decisions before at least one year. That's just plain wisdom-of course if physical abuse or something dangerous is involved-and it doesn't sound like it with you, then yes you could make a decision sooner.

Remember I did my Plan A after my H had been moved out of the home for 5 months and living with the OW for 2 of those and he responded very well to the Plan A. Its not too late, its only too late if you say it is. How can it be too late to make 180 in YOUR life and for YOUR marriage. Is there really a time on that? Its not late in my book and your going to need these 180's no matter the outcome right??? Let him see the new you with the 180's and meeting his needs and not the you with anger, at this point why would he want to come back to that? Your gonna grow now as a person and remember personal growth is always hard but well worth it. What did your H complain about? We all have this, so 180 it.

So for now, let the lack of contact be okay till you can get a bit of reading done. If you'd like and can't handle the silence then call and say hello and how are you feeling and NO NO NO relationship talk, NO NO NO OW woman talk and NO NO NO expectations. This is also gonna make you look really confident and confidence is attractive and begging is not.

Your not in a Plan B so its okay to contact him if you can do it with out doing the above. Just a simple hello, how are you I was thinking about you and hang up can really go a long way.

I know its a lot of new concepts and information but your still here so something in you knows there's something to these plans and what we are saying. Your doing fine, hopefully your book comes in today and you can really get going.

Don't bring up the marriage or the relationship or reconciliation. Drop all that.

Figure out what his top ENs are and meet them.
Domestic Support? Keep the home beautiful and smelling lovely. Put out flowers and have candles lit and good music playing when he comes by.

Admiration? Make excuses to call or text or email him telling him how you were doing the laundry and you remembered him fixing the dryer, and how much you appreciate how he keeps things working so well around the house.

Sexual Fulfillment? Dress and act flirty with him.

Quit hounding him about "working on the marriage" - that's NO FUN, especially to him, because he knows he's done the most to break it. That's like saying "Let's go write on teh board 100 times...." NO FUN!!!

Instead, attract him back into the marriage and practice being a better wife to him. Now I'm not saying you were a poor wife at all -- I'm just saying practice being the wife HE wants and in the way HE wants. Make the marriage attractive and lure him into it, don't beat him into it with threats of chores (working on the marriage).

He hasn't called me since Thursday.

Saurday evening and I am depressed and sad.

I am having anxiety attached lately worrring what the future will hold for me. I am 50 years old and I don't know if I will ever find a nice kind man in the future.

The few friends that I do have are all married and go out with their husbands.

SAD

My dad cheated on my mom when she was about 35. He left for 'other women.' A few months later, he came crawling back, and she told him to take a hike; she said she knew it would just be more of the same - he just wanted a woman to take care of him so he didn't have to do anything himself (he eventually found one of them and married her). But my mom was strong enough to tell him she didn't need him, if it meant giving up who SHE was.

She is in her 70s now and although she has spent the last 40 years alone, she says she wouldn't change it for the world. She told me recently that having a man sleep in your bed is not worth the expense of giving up who you are. I admire her for that.