It's been five months since my husband ended his affair. We have worked through a lot of issues since that time. He says he still loves me, loves me even more than he did when we were first married and although I know that he is sincere, I simply don't feelloved most of the time. Not only that but I often don't feel the same level of love for him. I am committed to making our marriage work and I'm aware that love is not just about feelings. I just wonder if there is anything I can do about this relationship when we are more like roommates than anything else. I simply find it hard to believe that he ever could love me after having an affair, I believe that he cares about me, but I'm not so sure about his being in love anymore. I have to admit he has been trying to show me how he feels, been buying me gifts and helping around the house, getting up early with the kids so I can sleep in...doing all sorts of things he never bothered with before. But I still can't quite understand how it's possible for him to have an affair and still love me. Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better? Making it even more complicated is the fact that I don't always feel I can be open with him and talk to him in the same way I used to. I try, I really do but it feels safer somehow to keep things to myself. I've never been one to say much about my feelings, when I found out about that affair I just walked out of the room and wouldn't speak to him for a few hours. When I finally did talk to him I was purposely calm. So being a person who tries not to let my emotions show (the only time I do let them show is when I compose music and I haven't had a piano for over a year) and feeling I have no one to talk to, I'm just about loosing my mind. Any ideas?

I feel the exact same way. If WW loved me, how could she do this to me. I think it is a difference in perspective. I have thought and thought and read and read. I have come to believe that it is kind of like the ENs thing. She has different ENs than I. To those who fall into an A, I think they are generally more selfish people (narcissistic or care more about what makes them feel good versus what is best for their family). I think the 'wrongness' and 'being bad' and chance of getting caught all play into the excitement. In essence, I feel like it is kind of like being caught up in the moment. They don't necessarily forget about their family, they just do the old out of sight out of mind trick. Just because you or I could never do this, does not mean that the wayward does not love us. Unfortunately, the waywards would probably be able to move on a lot more easily b/c it is not as important to them. It is just a mistake. To us, it is very important, striking us to the core, making us forever question their love. Kinda ironic don't you think...

Is your husband completely open and honest? Is he totally transparent? Do you know where he is and who he's with at all times? Does he ever have contact with OW (and can you verify this?)?

It sounds on the surface as if he's doing all the right things, especially if he's transparent and honest.

IF that's the case, then a couple of things are probably going on here:
1 - around 6 months after recovery starts, most betrayed spouses get REALLY angry. Your not feeling loved may be the beginnings of anger bubbling up, or it may be anger that you're suppressing.
2 - You aren't giving your husband a chance to prove to you that he now sees himself as protector of your heart and the marriage. You are not completely honest with him (scary, I know! Once bitten, twice shy). Try being completely open and honest about something that's on your mind and see how it goes.

You can have a marriage that is way better than ever before, but you have to set the bar high and you have to rise to it.

Yes my husband is being transparent. I have access to his email accounts, cell phone, and he always lets me know where he is. He is doing all the right things I'm just not doing a very good job accepting that it's really possible that after all this our marriage can still be as good as I thought it was before, or even just be okay. Maybe I am entering an angry stage...I really don't know, I just know that I still feel miserable even after five months, and I'm beginning to doubt that it can ever get any better.