Hi all. I have been avoiding the dating scene for a while and just socializing with male and female friends. It has been quite nice and may continue for some time.

I have been thinking about why I like NOT DATING at this time. Part of is that my previous g/f was a master of making disrespectful judgments. She would make small comments that just crushed me, then tell me she still loved me. I did not handle that well and that is one good reason why she is my ex g/f and I think it may be keeping me from stepping out again.

How do you handle them? What has been your experience? What happened? I am curious to know.

I think it's a personality issue. Take me, for instance. Folks on the EN board are helping me to see the DJs that I make; I can't see them on my own. Through this, I also see the DJs that have been directed to me...but I didn't see them as Disrespectful Judgments. I saw them as either true statements, or untrue statements, and only the true ones bothered me. But the true ones give you something to work with...a road map of how to BE with this person, if you so choose.

Some people are a lot more sensitive to the judgment of others. That small comments crush you makes me think you're one of the more sensitive folk. I would say that not dating is a good thing until you find a very kind woman.

I think the BIGGER issue is why you let a GF (not your wife...just a woman interviewing for the job) "crush" you with her comments.

NEVER let one persons hurtful ways rob you of the ability to love, trust and care for another.

Just be sure you are secure about you before involving another person in your life.

What kind of small comments? There are various ways to give people information that you think they need and some of it might not always be something they want to hear.

However, you can do it nicely or cruelly, some potentially hurtful information might be really important to your relationship, like it would have helped me to hear a long time ago that I was putting on too much weight and it was affecting my husband's desire for me, it would have been way hurtful but would have saved us numerous wasted years of misunderstanding.. I guess it depends what you feel is a disrespectful judgement. How do you know what feelings to share and what is a DJ?

Rosy, well, I think the difference between sharing feelings and dj is something like this:

Sharing a feeling: I am having a hard time feeling desirous of you since you gained weight.

dj: All you ever do is eat and get fat.

I am probably to sensitive to the dj's, but on the other hand they can really be hurt. Being told that "you think this and that", "you feel this and that", "you only want me for sex", can really hurt. I get defensive at once since I feel attacked. This is vintage Harley is it not?

Appropriate response to someone you are only dating:

"Thank you for your input, this is the last time you'll see me eat".

AGG

Responses for these DJs could be:

"you think this and that"

"No, actually I think this and that other. But I wonder, what is it that makes you believe I think differently?"

Then use that information to make sure that you are projecting the image you want to project.

"you feel this and that"

"No, actually I feel like a hot ham and cheese. Want one?" And then go make a sammich. Nobody can tell you how you feel. But you can ask why they think you feel that way, then use or discard the information given.

"you only want me for sex"


Here you could express the other things about her that make you want to spend time with her, the reasons you desire her. One well-said comment can blow this DJ out of the water. "No, I only want you because of that day on the river when the raft got hung on that rock, and you were the one who had to push us off. I'll never forget the strength and determination on your face that day."

The thing to remember is that the DJ expressed is more a reflection of the other person, not you. A lot of time, a DJ could be preceeded with the words, "I am afraid..."

"I am afraid you think this way."
"I am afraid you only want me for sex."
"I am afraid that I make you feel this way."

Does that make it easier?

I agree. The solution is to shoot it right back to her, so she sees what she's doing. Not in a mean way, more of a joking way. Like you are sure of yourself and think she's being funny. "Surely you're not trying to say you think I'm not attractive? Wow, I never expected that." Keep it light.

Absolutely true. It's a case of a person thinking everyone else should live up to his or her standards. The person is ungracious. I can't grow that way. If she is that way to me, my family and friends will not be spared. I can't imagine letting this person in my life.

Mirroring is one way to show a person what they've said and how ridiculous it is.

Say someone says "All you want me for is sex."

What they may actually mean to say is "I feel used. Can we spend more time dating rather than in the bedroom?"

What you can say to elicit clarification and to make them feel heard is, "So if I understand correctly, all you think I want you for is for my own sexual gratification? What would make you feel better about that?"

See what they say, and if they still insist it's true and you know that there is no basis for it, it can lead to other conversation that may help you both decide if you need more time outside the bedroom or should even continue the relationship at all.

Another thought is that we have to understand A LOT of people really never learned how to communicate effectively. You may actually have to teach them, and that's another issue altogether - do you have the time and energy to do that and/or to sift through the myriads of people on the planet to find someone who already communicates in a way that is acceptable to you. Communicating properly by example may only go so far when it comes to influencing that person to communicate in a similar way.

See...that is why it's always best not to rush a relationship but to take your time deciding if this person is really right for you or not...