|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Enabling your wifes affair is "thinking of the boys??" Cant, this is YOUR FAMILY to protect. Who cares what your in-laws believe? The buck stops with you to protect your kids and enabling your wife and making her feel better for abandoning her children is not doing what is best for your kids. Your in-laws are not responsible, YOU ARE.
I agree that you are headed for divorce with tactics like this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 90
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 90 |
CWA Sorry for the t/j. Mortarman: You do not know me but I am a FWW and you have absolutely no idea what you have helped me with your post to CWA.....I think it was aswesome. You have a link on the bottom of your signature about the roles of husbands and wifes.....I clicked and it did not work.....could you please tell me where I can find it?
Thanks, A.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,399
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,399 |
I know, I know.
I am getting hammered by family about my stance on Christmas day. It has been brutal. Everyone is accusing me of not thinking about the boys.
We are headed for divorce, but I don't want to irritate the inlaws to the point that they start throwing money in for my wife. It could cause problems for me. If you're headed for divorce, your family is going to have a first Christmas, a first New Year's, a first birthday, a first Easter, a first Thanksgiving and more firsts with you not all together. Does it matter if that "first" is this year or next year? Do what you need to do on your terms for your family.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025 |
I bumped it to the top just now.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering) DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510 |
Well, I have to agree, I think that you should have separate time with your kids on Xmas. Think about it -- kids are perceptive. They may well have a more enjoyable time separately with the two of you than with the tension in the air.
I think it would be a wake up call for WW. That is what Plan B is for (in addition to saving your love, which seems tapped). You could save your self months with one strong card here.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496 |
Come on Cant, she's got to feel the consequences. Go dark. So you want to enable her so she doesn't feel guilty about abandoning her family for her adulterous affair? You want to protect her from the ONLY thing that will motivate her to end her affair and come home. WOW!
Enabling her affair is about the WORST thing you could do to your kids because it props up the affair at the expense of your marriage. Nothing to add.
BW(me) DDay EA 4/05 DDay PA 6/05 In recovery
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Plan B before Christmas. If inlaws are using the kids. You use them back. It's WW's actions that have caused plan B. Let the IL's lean on WW instead of you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 383
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 383 |
Thanks Mortarman and MelodyLane for your encouraging words and optimism. I'm sure I would have given up by now without encouraging words like yours. Thanks for being here!!
I am a 32 yr old betrayed husband. My wayward wife is 31. Married 3.5 years. Found out about affair when it started around 10/1/08. Affair started as emotional via internet, then went physical. Wife moved out on 12/27/08. I filed for legal separation to get visitation with my son--wife countered with big D but now says she is in no hurry to finalize the D?? Currently in Plan A. 3 yr-old son. 7 yr-old step son. 11 yr-old step daughter.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510 |
I know, I know.
I am getting hammered by family about my stance on Christmas day. It has been brutal. Everyone is accusing me of not thinking about the boys. You know, you might tell these people that you are following MB and it is a strategy for SAVING the marriage. I had to do that with my wide exposure D-day, and everyone got it.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Thanks Mortarman and MelodyLane for your encouraging words and optimism. I'm sure I would have given up by now without encouraging words like yours. Thanks for being here!! {{{{{{{{ERICH}}}}}}}}}}}}}
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333 |
my ex just broke up with her OM3... obviously since he was OM3 i went ahead with the divorce but it still felt good knowing that the statistics finally came true in my case
hang in there bro
like MM said (great post btw MM) work on yourself so that ure future wife will get the best you and if the WW comes around it will benefit her too
plan B it and treat ureself right... go to the gym... feels great
FBH, 39 Now a primary custody dad New life began June 2008
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 63
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 63 |
Charlie - that is the goal. Plan B and working on making 2009 a great year for me personally.
It should be interesting.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
CWA:
Your plan B needs to start NOW.
Your WW "missing" Christmas? Too bad. SHE LEFT this family.
She can find her new one this Christmas.
Your In-Laws? Those are HER problem. Of course they want YOU to back down. SHe is doing the wrong thing, and she's thier daughter. OF COURSE they want you to make it easy for her.
Wake the kids up at 4 am, open your presents with them, hang out a while and then leave for your parents or siblings house, or someplace ELSE that she can't intrude.
She is going to. She HAS to. She's A WW, she's entitled to everything....!
Let her see the kids on Boxing Day. Turn off your cell phone. Save all the messages.
A weak Plan B is worse than any Plan A.
Don't be weak.
LG.
PS: And if you got Mortarman to post to you, you better listen!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712 |
Angie,
Thanks. Oh, and I have updated the link below.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712 |
CWA You are getting some great posts from all of the folks here. And, while I will again stipulate that you are the "commander" on the ground and you need to make the decisions based on what you know and what you see, I want to give you some insight into just what you should be trying to do here, in regards to Plan A and Plan B.
Let's take this Christmas thing. When my wife moved out in August of 2002 into a one bedroom apartment, the kids were left solely to me. They would visit her for an overnight at times. But, I had them 90% of the time (wife was in nursing school at the time also, so even if this werent happening, her time would have been limited!). Anyway, December came around and I had been doing a horrible Plan A (if you go back to my posts back then, you will see that I'm not lying!). I got to early December, was overwhelmed with it all, at my wits end on trying to find a way to get my wife to stop what she was doing and to get back home. And one day, I woke up and said "I'm going to Plan B. I have had enough!"
So, the next day, I wrote a Plan B letter and sent it to her. And then went dark. Up until that point, we had been talking about Christmas and kind of jointly deciding on what she would get and I would get for the kids. She even had requested to spend Christmas morning at the house with the kids and I.
Well, when I went to Plan B, I told her in no uncertain terms that we werent working together on deciding what they were getting, and she wasnt coming over Christmas morning. I even had an extra phone line hooked up for her to call the kids (with a distinctive ring so the kids knew that she was calling them). I never answered her phone calls. I either text messaged or left voicemails to any of her voicemails that I deemed that I had to respond to (such as when she was picking up the kids). Well, I dont think she got the point because a week before Christmas, I had come by to get the kids after a one night stay, and she sent a note out with the kids asking me to come up because "I need to talk to you."
So, I went up and hung outside the door, thinking maybe this was a break and she might be considering ending this mess. Well, I get there and she wants me to come in and look at the presents she bought. I told her that I wasnt coming in, I didnt care what she had bought, and I was leaving. She asked "What about Christmas morning?" I told her she was welcome to come pick them up that afternoon for Christmas at her place. I then turned around and began walking away with her screaming at me.
Well, I found out two days before Christmas, when my wife was supposed to show up at one of our kid's Christmas pageant at school, that she was at her place packing. You see, the OM was from Florida (we live in Virginia) and he was down visiting his kids there. Well, my wife decides she is going to go spend a few days in Florida with him and his daughters...and tells our kids that she cant be there because Dad wont let her.
There is a lot more to this story. Suffice it to say, she was not pleased and as I talk to her now, it was a nail in the coffin of the affair because that was the first time she had begun to realize that the Troll didnt care about her kids and was leading her to be like him, instead of the mother she used to be.
My point to all of this is this: Plan B is useless if you dont have a good Plan A! Most folks on here that do a poor Plan A and then say "I'm going to Plan B...I cant take it anymore" arent going to Plan B at all...they are going to Plan D (divorce). Which is fine if that is what you really want. But, if you want what I talked about in my previous posts (earning your way out...or a marriage that overcomes this), then the Plan D route only does one thing...gets you divorced.
So, my first axiom is this. If you arent in Plan A or Plan B, then you are in Plan D.
My second is, if you are doing a poor Plan A, your odds of a good Plan B diminish, and your odds of Plan D enhance.
Please remember what I told you earlier...Plan A is for YOU! Not for getting your wife back. That is manipulation! And manipulation never works, at least not for long. Believe me, I know! I probably lengthened my mess early on because of my poor Plan A attempts.
You really need to understand what Plan A is about, what it does. Everyone talks about "Plan Aing your spouse." That is not accurate. You dont Plan A your spouse. You Plan A YOU! You make changes to the way you are living, to the way you approach and treat others, to the way you are living your life. Of course, this includes meeting the ENs of you wife, which you should always be doing for your wife, whomever that is.
You see, most people can smell out when things are just for show. If you make improvements and meet ENs because you want her back, then she most likely will see that she is being manipulated (of course, the foggy WS doesnt see the manipulation by the OP...but that is a different post!). And she will balk at everything you are doing. Why? Because everytime you do this, everytime you meet needs, everytime you show her that yoou love her...AND, she then goes to meet the OM, you freak out. You threaten. You stop meeting needs. You give up.
And then, you wake up the next day, and do this insanity again!
No, you should be meeting these needs NO MATTER WHAT SHE IS DOING TO YOU! Now, many would say "well, that makes me a doormat." Not if you do this right. You see, doormats never say no. Plan Aers will say no to insanity, while stil llovingly meeting needs. Want an example?
Wife asks "I want to take the kids with the OM and go to Disney World for a week."
Doormat response: "Okay." (Because they mistakenly believe that meeting ENs means giving in to the WS)
Plan Aer response: "Honey, I am going to have to say no. If you thin kthe kids should go to Disney World, then maybe we should all go. Or you are welcome to take them on your own. But, it isnt right for the kids or our marriage for the OM to be around the kids."
Now, of course, she'll blow up about you being crazy, its over, etc. But the point is, did I DJ (disrespectful judgment) her? No I did not! Remember the basic theme of the love bank...ENS make deposits, DJs withdraw love units. You can say "no" without DJing.
I know this is a long post, but you really need to understand what it means to Plan A. And, I'm not sure if yo uare a Christian or not, but if you click on my link below about the roles of husbands and wives, you will find out what all this means in the conjunction of the design and roles of the family.
If you are a Christian, I will say this...please remember that Jesus loved us and died for us while we were yet sinners. While we were stil actively rebelling against Him. He didnt say: "get right and then I'll love you. Stop sinning and then I'll die for you." No...His kind of love was above what was happening at the time. It is the forever kind of love.
Your wife deserves that kind of love (no matter if it is this wife or a new one). She deserves a love that will go thru the depths of Hell if need be. Remember, steel is tempered by fire. if you go thru Plan A, and come out the other side...you will be a husband and father most women dream of.
I will close with this. Your wife is no longer your responsibility! Axiom #3 is: if you change, EVERYONE around you must change in response to you. Try this as an example: get in an elevator with 2-4 people in it. Once the door closes, move to a different side of the elevator, closer to some of the people. And what do you notice? When you moved, right after that, the other folks moved. Now, did you have to shove them to get them to move where yo uwanted them to? Or did you just have to move yourself?
Leave your wife and her future in the hands of God. Your wife is the standard, run-of-the-mill adulteress. No different than mine or many others out there. You need to get to the point where yo ucan believe that.
So, I guess I would want to hear is that since you arent in Plan B, that you have admitted that you havent done a good Plan A...then what plan are you in right now? And, knowing what I have told you here, what plan should you be in?
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712 |
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093 |
CWA,
If you are calling it a sort-of Plan B, then it is NOT a Plan B at all.
There's no such thing as a sort-of Plan B.
Either you are IN Plan B, or you are screwing up what could be a plan to save your marriage.
Which is it?
Write the Plan B letter. Switch the divorce deal to a legal separation, or put the divorce thing on hold. Wait this thing out, because from what I can read, you are not done.
Your rollercoaster is just on an uphill ride for the time being.
Otherwise, can you explain to me why you would ever go to the effort of trying to talk to the OM about your wife? Sorry, but that conversation in no way was to protect the OM. Perhaps you "think" it was - but analytically, the meaning there was to let him know in uncertain terms that you KNOW your wife, you can HANDLE your wife, you have been working with her and protecting her for years, and that you are still willing to step up to the plate and do the same thing. You are actually following her - right to the OM's doorstep - and still trying to rescue her from herself.
There is no other reason, CWA, to do this other than the fact that you still love her.
Despite what you say, you are not done.
Your heart will soon tell you this, when that rollercoaster starts on the downhill side.
Write your Plan B letter - if you already have, you need to send it again, and this time MEAN IT. Stick to the plan. Get the intermediary to do the job. Now that the OM knows your heart (trust me, he did NOT get the idea that you had anything but your own desires to save your marriage in mind) you have an even better chance of getting your wife on board via a strong Plan B.
She may be angry. Who cares - her anger will pass. So will her affair.
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
She went on to blast me for trying to ruin her relationship with him. She kept screaming that she knows I am secretly happy that I might have made him run from her and that I was trying to make him think that she is a wacko. Whether it's true or not, I'd have pointed a finger right in her face and said, "You're godd_mn right I did. What are you going to do about it?" You did the right thing, I suppose. My brief "conversations" with OM ended with A) Me threatening to kill him and B) threatening to expose his affair to his kids' classmates. So you certainly could've done worse. 
Divorced
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 63
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 63 |
I am officially in Plan B. Almost a week with no contact. She is constantly calling/texting asking if I am okay. Finally, she has started to go through the IM.
I guess my problem now is that I am not sure what I want anymore. I can't imagine trying to live the rest of my life with this person when I look back on everything that she has done. It just seems like I would always wonder what else is out there that wouldn't have all this baggage.
I am assuming this is standard for the situation. But, everyday of NC with her and I feel better about not having her in my life.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
I am officially in Plan B. Almost a week with no contact. She is constantly calling/texting asking if I am okay. Finally, she has started to go through the IM.
I guess my problem now is that I am not sure what I want anymore. I can't imagine trying to live the rest of my life with this person when I look back on everything that she has done. It just seems like I would always wonder what else is out there that wouldn't have all this baggage.
I am assuming this is standard for the situation. But, everyday of NC with her and I feel better about not having her in my life. Wow, exactly how I feel on that last few sentences. Each day I feel more and more happier being independent and w/o my W.
|
|
|
0 members (),
725
guests, and
68
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,518
Members72,026
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|