My ex-husband and I have been divorced for about 8 months, and officially seperated for coming up on two years. He had been in an affair with the OW and moved in with her after our divorce was finalized in April.

Lately (the past two months) he has been calling me asking about my life, and how im doing and wanting to make sure that im ok. I say to him, im doing great, but dont know why you care; he responded to me "you know why" I said I do? He tells me that he feels like he is living someone elses life, and that he feels out of control, that he feels he had/has no control over the things that have happened and the outcome of it all.

I told him that one day he will realize that he has and has had a lot more control over things than he realizes. He tells me he doesnt understand me, I say I think you do, I just think your vision has been clouded the past few years, he says I think your right. He said that he loves the life he had with me, and had everything he wanted and now he just cant even believe where things are at.

He tells me he has to have surgery again. (I cannot even count the number of surgeries he has had to have over the last few years for countless medical conditions he has developed recently, its unreal). And now he has a heart condition too.....hes only 33 years old.

Prior to now, I had felt that I had let go of him. Our divorce was finalized, I have cried and mourned and put him out of my heart and head.

And now I find myself wondering, what-if-ing. All these feelings that I had let go of over a year ago...and they are all seeping back in. I had gotten to a point of being ok without him. Moving on with my life. And here I am wondering why the heck I am feeling this way again.

Is this normal.??

Then I find myself rationalizing this and saying "of course this is ok to feel like this, you loved this man and were with him for 12 years and had children with him.....of course your going to still have feelings for him......ugh.

I have thoughts of him wanting to come back.
I have thoughts of letting him.
Thoughts not just of letting him, but thoughts of wanting him.

I traveled through hell in a hand basket with him the past few years. The worst pain and heartache I have ever known in my life and wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. And I am having these thoughts.....why.....?

- - -
There is someone that I loved.
He is trapped far away.
I can see him
but I cant reach him
I cant touch him.
He can hear the sound of my voice
but he cannot hear my words.
He looks at me
and sees my tears
but he does not see my pain.
He is hurting
trapped in a place
where he thought it was green
but its black and its cold
and he wants to come home.
But the door is closed
the windows shut tight.
And I sit
with a chain and a lock
on my heart
and my mind it stirs.
A strong wind blows
and he comes
gushing back in.
I close my eyes
and take a deep breath
the visions stir.
I can see him
but I cant reach him
I cant touch him.
He can hear the sound of my voice
something has changed.
He can hear my words.
He sees my tears
and feels my pain.
He knows my hurt
and it pains him.
He knows.
He feels.
He remembers.
The light.
The tunnel.
I thought I let him go.
Then why am I here...
- Envision '08
- - -

Am I alone on this one? I dont know what to be feeling right now, or if this is all just part of the 'process'. ugh.

Would you consider you feel because you're doing?

You stopped feeling as result of not doing...you weren't sharing intimate confidences, communication, attention, understanding with him a year ago (and he was in alien form).

What you don't do, you won't feel. And you won't allow him to meet your ENs in this way, either.

You're right...you were real partners...and he left for a fantasy it sounds like, through disassociation, he's waking up from...and it's too late. You both made choices and the consequences will still come.

You wanted to hear for a long time how he valued, loved and enjoyed his marriage to you...the resentment hardened into entitlement and lack of respect grimed over all of his feelings from having valued, loved and enjoyed you. So, based on his feelings, hey, he wasn't going to feel that way again!

Just like based on your devastation, incredible pain, enduring pain...those feelings of loving your real partner weren't going to come back ever...

until you take the actions and the feelings follow. And he begins to remind you again, not of the alien wayward, but of the real man you married.

See, who you let meet your ENs will make those love deposits. Good boundaries (which your WH didn't have, may still not have if he's with another woman now) aren't being adhered to by you or by him...learn from that.

The potency of your connection with your real husband is matchless, I believe. That's how it is...until time, awareness and disconnection (new boundaries) are in place. Sounds to me you're asking if you love your xWH still...

and love is your choice. Not a condition.

LA

Hi LA,
Thanks for replying.

Yes, that makes perfect sense!
And yes, I guess it is a question of what I am feeling, and if I still love him. I dont know why I have a hard time answering that for myself, or perhaps it hurts to answer that question for myself. Im not certain. But I feel like I am torturing myself with it as well.

I did do Plan A (once upon a time).
and have been in Plan B (the past year and a half or so.)
I do have quite a lot of boundaries, and it acutally upsets my x quite a lot that I have so many.

I cut my x off in everyway I possibly could. And I dont know why or what changed atm (Ill get back to you on that one) but it was something...some lightbulb went off in his head or something.

Prior to that, our contact was via email, unless there was an utter emergency, than it was cellphone. Other than that there was no contact what so ever. I even arranged for my parents to drop the kids off and pick the kids up for his parenting time so that there was no contact there either.

I dont know if its the time of year, all his ailments or what set him off on a new path. But something changed. Before I could see definate patterns in his communication with me. If he was nice to me on Friday, Sat and Sun would be calm and by Mon or Tues the venom would start flying. Now..I dont know, its different. Ive dealt with the Jeckyl and Hyde for years, I have become quite used to that with him.

Now I guess Im just confused. Dont know where to be with this, dont know what I should be doing...and I guess mostly I just need to confront the way I am feeling. Which in and of itself is confusing. Having feeling of love, care and concern for him is well....its a lot...its an awful lot of feelings that I feel I was bombarded with and im not quite sure how to deal with.

It helps to be able to talk about it and get some good advice and understanding though. Thanks so much.

Frome a man's point of view. It hasn't been that long for me.(see hope it's not to late) I understand the change in him! You know the saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone'? Well he has finaly opened his eyes and sees what he truely did have. Now I'm not saying you should give him another chance. Justtry to listen and see what he is truely thinking now, and take it from there. Is he just looking for a friend to talk to? You at one time where best friends! He might just feel that he can still talk to you about problems he just doesn't know how to open up to you to tell you je is having problems with the OW. I don't really know, but it does sound like he is really missing what you once had together. remember one thing it doesn't hurt to ask!! Does he want to come back? Would you ever really consider taking him back after what he has done? These are questions you need to answer yourself or ask him if you can answer the ones you need to ask yourself.