I'm not too sure where to begin. I guess W has been looking for some time, and I didn't see it, or ignored it...

Anyway, I discovered an online affair about 6 months ago, we talked and she apologized and cut the contact. About a month ago, I discovered another online affair with an old boyfriend, and this time, she is serious. We have 3 children ages 7, 5 and 3. I am in the family home caring for the children while she has moved into her moms RV and into a park.

Our oldest daughter recently attended a large competition, and this guy traveled a significant distance to be with her. I knew about their intended meeting, and we agreed there would be no contact between our daughter and him. There was significant contact.

She had drawn up divorce papers a couple of weeks ago, and she wanted to split the girls up with the youngest going with her to a state far away. This was almost acceptable to me until I read a chat log between her and a girlfriend stating she needed to get with him and start reprogramming our youngest daughter. I immediately decided I needed to retain and fight for custody of all 3 girls. Once I informed her that I couldn't let the youngest go without a fight, she tried to find money for an attorney, and couldn't. She told me I won, and come get the youngest who had been living with her in the RV for about 3 days.

My concerns are that once she is settled in the new state, with the new guy, how do I protect my girls from her filing for custody? Does anyone have any experience in this area? Our current state of residence is Arizona.

You get a lawyer, and you file for full custody based on abandonment. YOu also consider if you really want this sort of woman for a W.

1. She cheated on you.

2. And to me the real showstopper is she will abandon her children to be in an affair.

You have choices to make, but get a lawyer NOW, and protect those children.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you!

I have already retained an attorney. Once I told her I would fight her for the one child, she was quick to let me have her.

The abandonment issue is interesting. She is still living in the area, and hasn't moved to the other state. I'll bring it up to the attorney, and see what options I have.

I do not want this woman in my life anymore. There is nothing she can do right now to repair our relationship.

Stevew

"There is nothing she can do right now to repair our relationship." Does "now" mean never ever.

Good thing you went to seek a lawyer's advice.

Does the WW's parents and siblings know about her affair?

Were these EA's or PA's?

I'm saying never now because trust is gone. I know I shouldn't say never, but I'm feeling that way now.

She only has her mother, and I'm sure her mother knows that they are at least in contact.

I can't find the abbreviation list, so I'm lost on the EA and PA.

I am coming to realize I have a pornography addiction. I'm sure that has played a major part in our current problems. I'm not sure where to go from here. My family and friends are encouraging my split up.

You need to read up on this site. Articles good place to start.

You are going to have to get counceling on your addiction. Learn about plan A. Tell your MIL directly if only that you will know that she is having an affair.

EA emotional affair

PA physical affair

At the top of one of the MB forums there is thread on abbreviations.

ok, got the abbreviations..

I believe it is EA.

I'm just coming to the realization of my lifetime addiction. It has rocked my world in a huge way to finally be able to say I'm addicted, and I need help. I will start to seek counseling on monday. It will be difficult, since I have one child not yet in school. I say difficult, but not impossible.

I have been reading, and one of the articles described my situation and thought processes extremely well.

I've read Plan A, and when I learned of the affair, I asked her to cease contact with MOM, she refused, said he was an old friend, and she would maintain contact no matter what. To top it all off, she had an image of the cartoon character Thumper tattooed on her back left shoulder. MOM's nickname is thumper.

Currently, we are physically separated, with no actual separation papers filed. The girls were supposed to be staying with her tonight for a pizza party and movies. I received a text message from her about 2 hours ago. The younger two wanted to come home. When I arrived to pick them up, she had her laptop open, and could only talk about the chat she was currently having with a girlfriend. She had pictures of the MOM openly displayed in front of the girls. I know she is crossing many lines here, I just need to know what ones to bring up to my attorney, or just bring it all up, and let the attorney decide?

On my addiction issue, I have scheduled an appointment with my primary Doc. This is a necessary step in the process for my health coverage through the VA.

I'm frightened to admit this problem, but I have already admitted it to a close friend, and she was very supportive. I'm also looking forward to treating this problem. It has been a secret part of my life for entirely too long.

As for the WW, after reading plan A and plan B, I think we have shot right into Plan B area. She is not willing to discuss it further. She is not very independent, and it will be tough to cut the apron strings so to speak except for the children. Any advice anyone could give on that would be appreciated.

Greetings Stevew308

I am so very sory that this has happened to you and your children.

Individual counseling (IC) is a great idea for anyone going through a divorce, especially if you are the betrayed spouse of an affair.

And it may sound silly, but admitting you have an addiction really is the first step in stoping that addiction.

Are you in plan B or plan D (there is no C)
What parts of plan B have you/are you doing?

Thanks for the reply Gack1,

I'm shooting to plan D. I have filed. Papers were mailed 2 days ago, and should be filed next week. I filed for joint legal, primary physical custody, no spousal support, with an option open for child support.

She refuses to cut contact with EITHER man. I am cutting contact, but it is tough to totally cut contact with the kids involved. I really don't even want to expose the affair to OMW. I want her gone to Anchorage. I just want her to go away so I don't have to look at her and be reminded of her betrayal. Every time I see her, I feel the hurt all over again. I know that is avoidance, I am not ready to forgive her. She refuses to talk to me about her actions, or my actions for that matter. She is still blaming me for her affair. She is so deep in the fog, that there is no talking to her about any of this. She is telling everyone locally that we are Divorcing, but when they ask me, I am telling them why.

Any advice on cutting contact but keeping the kids in mind would be appreciated.

At this point, My resentment and hurt feelings are a huge part of my daily existence. While I feel these feelings, I don't think I can forgive her. I'm trying to process them, but I just can't take much time to reflect and pray. Keeping up with the girls is my main focus for the present. I feel I have to complete the divorce before I can stop to deal with my feelings.

I've been reflecting on the past few years of our marriage. I've been through more than my share of depressions, med changes, two weeks inpatient to adjust my meds...I know it has been difficult for her. But I never once thought of leaving her side.

I guess I always knew she was unhappy, I just gave up trying to make her happy. Stopped making love deposits as it were, since I didn't feel the bank was ever filling up. I've delivered as well as received my share of LB's.

I guess I am as much at fault for the build-up to her having an affair. I am not responsible for her seeking emotional support outside the marriage, but I wasn't as available for her as I could have been. That set the stage for the affair. She is the one who performed it.

Have you learned anything to take into your future from all of this?

A good question.

I'm still absorbing the life changing lessons embodied in this experience.

What I can tell you is I have changed the way I think about love and relationships. My previous way of thinking about relationships was, what was, is. I thought love was static and unchanging.

Love is NOT static. Love is ever changing. Love is a living breathing entity. Love MUST be nurtured and fed just like any other living thing. Love can only flourish when it has two sources of nourishment. If one stops nourishing, Love will wither.

That is good. It's very true. Love "emotions" in this case, change with every single 'act we perform '- "love" - (or don't perform) in life. A lot of people are still not willing to accept that at face value.

The biggest killer of most marriages is unilateral decisions. (INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR) Regardless of which partner makes them. The sad thing is when one person can identify when those decisions hurt them, but they refuse to see where it hurts their partner when they do it. That's where my ex was. He could point out every single thing that I slipped on (or his ex slippped on) but refused to see that things that he did hurt me the "same way" he had been hurt. Thankfully I hadn't married him.

Just take your time and read up on the stuff Dr. Harley put out (books) and see if you can relate to things that destroyed your feelings for each other. I'm sure you "both" had them for things to come to the situation it did. Of all the books I've read FALL IN LOVE, STAY IN LOVE is probably the best one yet.

As long as you look at your past mistakes from the view that there is something to learn, then chances are those are mistakes you won't make again. But the more you are willing to see as mistakes in your past relationship - see what you could have done differently, then you have that much more going in your favor in the future.

It hasn't helped me so far, but that is simply because I was in a relationship with a "controller". He was a controller to the point that he said he wouldn't "control" me (not even being able to see where that is "controlling behavior" because he thought if he let me do "whatever" then I should "put out" "whatever"). That I was free to do whatever I wanted to - but when it came to sex - that was a whole different story - that had to be there regardless of how he treated me - and it doesn't work that way in a healty relationship with a "healthy" woman - one who thinks anything at all of herself. But I have learned from Beyond Anger (a book for men) that angry men have a tendency to try to solve things using sex - even in Women Who Try too Hard, it said the same thing from another male who has nothing to do with the other author.

After reading WOMEN WHO TRY TOO HARD I'm beginning to learn where I made a LOT of mistakes that would have ended the relationship before I gave my heart to him. - cant change that in the past, but I can carry with me into the future to make sure I don't do it anymore -- that's all. Maybe one year I'll meet someone that is willing to meet me halfway on all of the decisions that have to be made.

Good Luck with all of it!!
Merry Christmas!!
RMW