I've been lurking on this site for 8 months now and I'm finally getting the courage to post.

A little background: I'm a FWW, Dday was in 4/08. EA was from approximately 12/07-4/08 (I say approximately because we've argued about when "exactly" the EA started) and PA was 2/08-4/08. When H suspected and started asking questions, I lied and totally denied it at first (not a great start I admit). The next day I confessed everything with no detail left out. NC has been in place since 2 days after DDay. Honestly, the instant he found out, it was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life. I knew immediately that the A was a horrible mistake and that what I wanted to was to end it and try to fix what I'd done. I have never regretted that decision and H's acceptance of me and decision to stay and try and work on things is truly an amazing gift he's given to me.

I'm just at a total loss on what to do. I've tried meeting his EN's (SF has been the biggest hurdle for me, it's been a rollercoaster, sometimes better than others but the last 2 months have been pretty bad). I try to be perfect, anticipate his every need, do everything for him, and usually as long as I'm doing that, things are pleasant and tolerable. The second I say anything that could be construed as challenging him on anything, or sometimes for no reason at all, things go from fine to bad in no time at all.

The problem is that H has completely detached emotionally from. And understandably so, I can only imagine how hard it must be to feel emotionally close to someone who has stabbed you in the back and betrayed you. He says he's not sure what he wants to do in regards to staying with me, he just wants to wait it out and see if he feels better. Pretty much all he does is play online computer games. We go shopping on the weekends and eat together every night but there is an underlying coldness to everything.

We've done some sessions with SH, but it doesn't seem to help. The last session, SH told me to do the step where I "clean out the wound" which entails taking H through the A with a calendar and telling him everything, with an emphasis on where I failed to protect my weaknesses. H didn't want to do that and we got in a fight because I insisted it was important. I was told that I am not to be making decisions about what kind of timeline he should be on in recovering. And I have respected that. If he's ever ready I will be ready to as well.

I know I've inflicted the most horrible kind of pain on my H possible, and I know that there is a lot of pain to work through. It just seems like things are hopeless right now. H doesn't think I'm really sorry for what I've done even though I've told him MANY times (I know, just words). He doesn't think I appreciate any of the sacrifices he's made for me. He doesn't think I've been justly punished enough for what I've done. He doesn't understand why I did it. I don't either really, there really is no explanation or justification, other that me being a total idiot and not honoring our vows.

Another pretty big issue between us was that he asked me to quit my job over the summer and at first I went to my boss and told him I had to quit, then H told me he didnt want me to quit so I went back to the boss and told him I wasn't quitting then H asked me to quit again and I told him I wasn't going to. Whenever we get in an argument he brings that up as an example of my sense of entitlement and my unwillingness to sacrifice for him.

There are of course many details and relevant stuff that I'm sure I've omitted. This is just what sticks out in my mind right now as the important facts. I'm happy to answer any questions, I'm just in desparate need of advice as to what, if anything, I can do. Do I just wait things out and hope he wants to work on rebuilding our relationship at some point in the future? I recognize it's totally his decision as to whether he wants to stay with me. I just love him so much and I'm so desparate to do something, anything to at least start to try and make things better. Maybe I just need someone to tell me that's not possible right now, but my nature is to fix things and this state we're in right now is killing me because I see things deteriorating before my eyes.



Thanks in advance.

Oh, I forgot to give some basic info about us:

me: 27
H: 32
married: 3.5 years
no kids (except for our dog, who we love like a child)

That's not possible right now.


He's right. Your husband is only 8 months out from D-day. For many BSes... it takes much longer than that. I'm 5 years into recovery and I'm JUST NOW getting to the point where I don't think about the A every day.

I say give him some more time, continue meeting his EN. When he rants about your A, let him. Reply simply with "I understand." No justifications. No excuses. No sweeping it under the rug.

How long have you been married? Any kids? How was the marriage pre-A?

Have you ended all contact with the OM? Why did your H want you to quit your job?

We've been married 3.5 years, no kids. Things were not good pre-A, I was living in a city 1.5 hours away for work, only seeing other on the weekend and H had told me he didnt want to be with me anymore a few months prior.

Yes, I ended contact with OM the next day after I told him everything in late April (I said 2 days after in my original post, but that was 2 days after he first suspected)

He wanted me to quit my job because my job was set to end in August anyway and he wanted to move to the new city we were moving to early. The city I was in was where the A had happened and he wanted to get away from there.

Let's see... you're 8 months into recovery. You've been married 3.5 years... living apart during the week. So that mean a little after two years of marriage you strayed. You said a few months prior to your A, your husband told you he didn't want to be with you anymore.

Have you quit that job? Are you living together all the time now?

Personally, if you were my daughter, I'd kick your butt. Having an affair is not the solution to "problems in the marriage". Frankly, since you guys have not been married that long, and it has apparently been a rocky marriage since early on, I wouldn't be surprised if your H decided to call it quits.

Do you want your marriage? I mean REALLY want it? If you do, does your husband BELIEVE that?

Ruth, are you living together now? Are y'all spending 15 hours a week together?

We're no longer living apart during the week, we have have not lived apart since Dday. I no longer work at the job I worked at this summer and for clarification, OM did not work with me.

Your timeline is correct. I had the A after 2.5 years of marriage. We were dating for 5 yeas prior to getting married. There is a long story as to why he said he didn't want to be with me anymore prior to the A. But the immediate reason is that he came to spend the first part of that summer with me in the city where I was living/working and according to him, all I did was play computer games and ignore him, so then for the second part of the summer he went to another city to do a different summer job (complicated, I know) and when he was in that city, he realized how unhappy he was with me and how when he was away from me he was so much happier. He basically ignored me the entire time he was away and when he came home told me he didnt think he wanted to be with me anymore.

I completely agree that an A is not the solution to marital problems and I don't believe it was undertaken as such. And I have kicked my own butt every day since this happened and welcome it from anyone. I also agree that H has every right to call it quits. But I want to fight for this. We had something really good once and I know we can never have that again because of what I did but I do think we can recover and have a happy life together. He has stayed this long so he must want it too. That's where I need help.

I would start looking for a job in the other city, and when you find one, quit. I don't blame hubby a bit. It is miserable living in the city where the affair was.

I'm happily divorced, and it has been almost 4 years since the affair, and I still think about it when I drive by "their" restaurant, motel, bar, the place where they met, etc.

You say you will do more than talk, so DO it.

Yes, we have been since Dday. We are together in the physical, in-the-same-room sense 15 hours a week, yes. However, due to H's emotional withdrawal from me, that's pretty much all it is.

One of the things that my H did that helped me relax around him:

EVERY DAY he'd ask:

"Is there anything I can do for you today?"

sometimes there was, and sometimes there was not

but him ASKING meant everything

give it a try and keep it up even if it does not appear to be doing anything for awhile

make that a new habit

best of luck :MerryChristmas:

I have quit my job, I've been living and working in the new city since August.

That's a really good suggestion Pepperband, thanks.

Ruth,

HIM:

"" Pretty much all he does is play online computer games.""

then YOU:

""I was living/working and according to him, all I did was play computer games and ignore him,""



So...ummm......Do you see any similarity here??

Would you agree that computer gaming does the same thing that an EA or PA does?

It takes away time and attention from the spouse, with the gamer focusing on selfish self centered self-gratification. The addiction to the game is the same as to the OP (other person). The game becomes the other person!!

If you both love computer games so much, why get married??

Just lock yourself in separate rooms and play the games!!

WHAT BLISS!!

Could you both stop cold turkey on the computer games and direct the focus and stimulation on each other?

Can't they make a computer game that you could both play together as a team?

Spending rec time together?

WOW!! Anybody want to make billions of $$$$$$$$

Anyway, sorry, I saw a shiny object there, off in the distance.

Another idea might be to back off on the relationship talk, unless he wants to discuss.

Pep is correctomundo as usual. You both need to relax somehow when together.

Give him more time, too. BSs can be a peculiar animal.

IMHO

kirk

Kirk,

You hit the nail on the head, and that's only the tip of the iceberg. I met H on a computer and met OM on a computer game. So the games have definitely been a consistent theme in our relationship. And what I said was that, according to him, all I did was play computer games. The truth is, that summer he played computer games the entire time too but after the fact told me he only did it because I was and he was really unhappy the whole time. That's all beside the point and past history though.

Your point about not playing computer games anymore and focusing our attention on each other is what I've suggested to him recently but was told that was what he needed to do to deal with the pain I've caused and, essentially, "how dare I" try to dictate what he does at a time like this. So all I can do is try to meet his EN's to the best of my ability (except for SF which I readily admit that I'm not meeting atm but he's told me he's not interested anyway) and hope he wants to engage with me in the future.

So I have an update.

Last night H told me he will never get over what I've done, thinks about hurting himself every day, is afraid he is going to lose his job because he can't focus at work, knows he can never have a family with me, and he wants to separate and for one of us to move out.

This the LAST thing I want but on the other hand if us staying together is going to cause him to kill himself, well of course I don't want that.

I just don't know what to do. Should I temporarily move out and give him space to figure out what he wants? Or should I insist on staying and working on things?

I'm beyond despair and cannot believe it is coming to this. I love him so much but he is so convinced in his mind that I don't love him and that I've never loved him "in the right way." He refuses to accept that the A was a horrible mistake on my part and insists I was doing what I wanted to do because I don't love him. He says the reason he could never have an A is because he loves me in the right way and the reason I did is that I never have felt that way about him.

Any advice is much appreciated.

You can actually have something better. It takes desire and commitment to make it such and that desire and commitment must come from both of you. It takes two.


You look him straight in the eye and tell him that you are going nowhere and neither is he. You tell him that you’re not giving up. Make sure that he understands that you are NOT giving up.

Mr. G

Conversation today confirms it. He wants to go find someone who can be happy with him the way he is. According to him, I've never been happy with him and he can never be the person I need to be happy. This is entirely untrue but it doesn't matter what I say that because "the facts say otherwise." The unrebuttable proof is that I had an A.

All the sacrifices he's made for me (and frequent reminders about and complaining about those sacrifices) should have been enough to make me want SF with him more than I have in the past. Most girls would be turned on by that. He is insulted by the idea that, given all his sacrifices, he should have to be nice and "put on a smiley face" on top everything.

Today he asked me how many times I've surprised him with tickets to an event in the last 8 months. And because my answer was only once that I can think of right now (I surprised him with NFL tickets last weekend), that is proof that I haven't put forth any effort in our recovery.

I feel like, while I certainly have not been perfect, I've put forth a lot of effort these past 8+ months. To him, it's as though I've done less than nothing. I don't even know what to do or say anymore.

Ruth, tell him you need to know what it will take to make him feel appreciated again. It sounds to me like he is crying out for your ATTENTION and you are not listening. He is at the WORST POINT in his recovery where the shock wears off and rage sets in.

The best way to get through this is to do everything in your power to EASE HIS PAIN and make him happy.