MB has been both a blessing and a curse for me. It's been a blessing since it has opened my eyes to what makes marriages successful, how I messed up handling my exww's infidelity and subsequent destruction of our marriage. It's really given me powerful tools to take with me into a future marriage and it has connected me with tons of people who have both felt my pain, been on the other side of things (FWW), or simply share my humor.

But it has had it's dark side too. I've noticed that certain people's situations strike nerves in me which lead to indirect vents or that open up old feelings. It's had the drawback of getting the exww's attention to try to use this stuff against me in court, and it has kept me from moving on in the past.

But I still find this place to be a big draw. I feel a strong need to help others in their situation and to update all you strangers over the happenings in my life.

There's several vets who continue to post here as well and I find myself very happy to read their updates, such as Chrisner and his coaching experiences, or SDG and his first ventures into the dating world.

There's tons of vets here who have successfully recovered their marriages and a few others, such as FWWes or BHes who constantly help others.

My question is this: Why do we continue to come back and why do we continue to post, especially those who have recovered either personally or in their own marriages?

Doesn't posting to newly betrayed people open up wounds for you or lead to arguments with your FWW/FWH?

My therapist has mixed feelings about my involvement with MB. She understands the value of finding people who have experienced similar trauma, but worries that I stay stuck because of it.

A friend of mine asked me the other a few months ago when I would stop letting myself continue to be defined by what I've been through and turn a new leaf and "graduate" from this stuff.

Yet I find myself back here after a break and feel compelled to help others who are newly betrayed.

Why?

Is there a time when it's simply no longer healthy?

I look at it this way: No one thinks it's weird for a victim of rape to help other victims of rape cope with the trauma and emotions and feelings of rape.

Infidelity is a similar trauma. Is it wrong to be here years later and feel a need to help others who have been through this trauma? I'm approaching 3 years of being on MB.

I took a break from posting but still checked. I'm back to posting again, but question if I should be (especially since my ex can't seem to just leave me alone).

Any thoughts?

I am here b/c I'm paying it forward.

I have a simple answer for this. I read it in a book the other day.

Doing something to help other people in need helps you heal.

That's why I think people keep comming back. Whether they realize it or not.

Pom, this is why I am still posting. I see amazing courage here everyday, and it lifts me up. We ALL fall in different ways. But look at the folks here, they get back up, brush themselves off, get a clue and a plan, and get back to work.

People probably ask the same thing about John Walsh (America's Most Wanted host). Instead of withdrawing, blaming, or feeling sorry for himself, he took a personal tragedy and made it his mission to help others in similar situations.

I'm here because I want to help. I stay (even though I get frustrated sometimes) because I continue to learn new things. If one little sentence that I post helps someone walk a different path than I did, then it's worth it.

OMG, I just have to say that I am very sorry that this board has caused you pain.

But I do want to say that if it were not for you all, us newbies would have sank. I believe sharing helps the healing process. I think that anytime one gives of themselves its love at the highest point. Its selflessness in a all about me society.

Yes you all could have taken your tools and moved on, but haven't you chose to take your place of pain and give of your self to strangers-its truly inspiring.

I with all my heart find you all a blessing in huge proportions. I could not have made it this far with out you and I intended to stay here as well no matter the outcome of recovery for me because there are massive amounts of hurting lost BS's who have no idea of what to do but find them selves here in hopes of a bit of light during what may be the darkest time of their life. You guys are that light.

For whatever its worth, thank you sharing even though you may still feel the sting of adultery. Thank you for giving of yourselves and being selfless. Thank you for helping all of us pull ourselves back up, just the way you did.

Hi POM!

For Mr. W and I, we post because we were given so much by MB that we wish to "give back" if possible...Our family was SAVED by God and this wonderful program...We've seen it work first hand in our own lives and wish to pass that on...For us, it has been miraculous, and we would so like it to be that for others as well...As Christians, we are called to comfort others in the way that God has comforted us...

Posting here has never caused a fight between us, in fact, in the early days doing so enabled us to deal with stuff that we were facing in the third person...That made the dialogue between us much less threatening somehow...We talked about and came up with solutions for others, that we could then apply to our own lives...

I will say that I have a harder time posting now than I used to...Not because it brings up "old wounds", but rather because our nightmare seems so long ago that we have forgotten lots of it (Thank God)...Sometimes that makes for less, hmmm...?"passion"? in our posts to others...I've noticed that the words of newer FWWs have more of an edge to them than mine do now, and I'm always so grateful for their very compelling posts to other "newbies"...

As far as "harm" from staying here goes, I think that each individual or couple must decide that for themselves...

Mrs. W

Yes.

I don't think you should post or read here. ANYTHING in your life that brings pain or causes conflict should be done away with if possible.

People stay here for a variety of reasons. But the day I start questioning if my involvement here is harming me is the day I KNOW it is time to say my goodbyes.

Go on and live a happy life and remove all your obstacles to that. Get your ex out of the picture as much a humanly possible and be happy.

Pom,

Paying it forward, maybe helping others with my limited skills, seeing badly betrayeds successes in recovering their Ms by listening to the great people here.


And...it's also like driving past a bad car wreck, you don't want to look but you can't help yourself.

IMHO

kirk

Trying to help others- that's it for me.

I have a altruistic reason and a selfish reason.

The altruistic reason is obvious. I try to help others, since so many tried to help me.

The selfish reason is that I find that the more I try to explain something to someone, the better I understand it.

Also, I get amused by the "fights" on the forum.

ITA with this. We each have our own reason for coming here, staying here, and helping others who are here. My personal reasons are that it makes me feel good to help others. It does help me to heal. It also lets me see that there are good people in this world, not just a bunch of self-centered, egotistical, me-me-me, money hungry [censored]. I have seen more examples of 'goodness' at MB than I have anywhere else. People helping others with no strings attached at one of if not the lowest point in their lives. I also read situations far worse than mine, and it puts my sitch into perspective.

The MB boards have helped me understand my feelings, verbalize them to my wife, and to know that I am not alone in what I feel. I also feel like it has helped me to become a better person. It actually makes me 'feel better'.

I wish that I would have found MB prior to the A. I wish someone would have hit me with a 2x4. I wish I could have stopped it. But, that is the past, and it cannot be changed. When someone lands here before the A turns into a PA, I hope that I can save a few people from going through the added pain of a PA. Marriage is sacred to me, a commitment for life. If I am on here for 30 years and only help save one marriage, it will be worth it.

I also agree with medc. If MB is keeping you from progressing, say goodbye. However, if things on here keep bringing up emotions that you have not worked through, do you think something else might bring up those. My feeling is that you have to work through all the emotions or sometime down the road, you will get triggered and have to work through it. To me this board allows me to try to get through all of them, so one day when I am watching a tv show or movie, I get triggered. I think if I have already worked through it, it will be a non issue. JMO

That's beaUTiful, T!!



Charlotte

I think helping others is one of the most personally satisifying pursuits I have EVER EXPERIENCED. Doing for others keeps me outwardly focused rather than inwardly focused. The JOY I feel when someone turns around a bad marriage or even gets out of bad one is IMMENSE. I so much want others here to have a great marriage like mine. Or if they are in a hopeless situation and being harmed, I want to help them get out.

When I look at the new cases here, I don't SEE train wrecks, I see opportunities. My mind spins with the possibilities. I love being here, because this is a place of HOPE.

I will also add that every year I have been here, I have learned something AMAZING AND NEW that I missed before.

When I came here I was a BROKEN human being, in spirit, soul and physically. If it weren't for the vets on here to cared enough to talk to me and help me I wouldn't have made it.

Yeah, I might have lived, but I wouldn't have grown, prospered and moved forward in life.

In AA, the 12th step....Having has a spiritual awakening as THE result of these steps, we carried the message to alcoholics and practiced these principles in all our affairs.

I learned early on I can't keep what I don't give away. I think that's what it says, eh Melody? LOL

Anyways, as painful as reading some of the posts and honestly feeling like I haven't a clue how to help someone, I stay here because I help where and if I can. I KNOW what this pain is LIKE. I KNOW what horrible trauma it is. And I KNOW, that you can recover so I can GIVE people hope...

And no matter how hard it is for me, I have to give HOPE and FAITH to others because it was so freely given to me.

Thank you to the vets who have stuck it out.....

:happyhanukkah:

to learn and to avoid mistakes in the future. Many wise folks here - I dont have much wisdom to contribute and I am just learning one post at a time.

Not just infidelity mind you - very good and thought provoking discussions on the Off Topics as well.

I can also look at my life and marriage from the outside and get a sanity check.

T2L said it perfectly. I am one of those in the midst of the trauma and I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you veterans who give so selflessly and generously of your time and thoughts to help us through this. I have no idea where I will end up at the end of this process but I do know that I will be in a better place than I would have been if I hadn't found this forum.

Well I'm hardly a vet (not quite 6 months post d-day), but I'm VERY grateful to you vets that stick around. You've taught me so much and helped me gain the skills to save my marriage and become true to myself. I try to help out whenever I can so I can pay it forward too - plus I genuinely enjoy helping people.

I believe in order for this to work, it has to become an entire way of life for us - not just a temporary fix. Coming here is helpful to me in that it's the only place where I feel like I'm "immersed" in the MB "culture." MB has totally changed the way I look at ALL relationships and how I interact with people. I've really blossomed personally and within my marriage.

Some of the people here have become close friends to me although I may never meet many of them face to face. They are all people who know exactly what the mental, emotional and physical toll of betrayal and adultery truly are. A stark comparison to the “in real life” crowd who are too uncomfortable to talk about it, become weary hearing about it and offer clueless sage wisdom such as “Just get over it, it’s been 2-months for pity sake.”

As it has been said here many times, “This is the best club you never wanted to be part of.” This is our clubhouse.

Beyond that, I find that many of the longer term posters are quite intelligent and very humorous. I truly enjoy their posts, wisdom and humor.

I suspect the day will come when I will simply fade away like many of the Killer Bees have. Until then I will continue to follow the path and personal growth of my friends and offer any advice or support where it is appropriate.

With or without this forum and site Wayzilla’s deceit and adultery would have happened anyway. I shudder to think where DD21 and I would be in our personal recoveries without everyone here.

I thank you all.