Being totally honest, I don’t think I would have the stomach to do Plan A . My W’s A was over and basically done with, before it ever came to my knowledge.

I admire folks who can do this Plan A thing while trying to negotiate their WW out of her affair. I’m quite sure, I couldn’t disrespect myself that much to even try. My anger would completely override any attempt to R if the WS was not immediately Godly sorrowful and willing to do anything to recover the M.

I suppress replying to WS’s who are forced to do just that. To me, once you walk out on the commitment of your M and continue in the sin of adultery, in spite of the pain and harm you are doing to your marriage, then the BS would be far better off without you.

Had my FWW told me of her unfaithfulness while it was happening behind my back, I would have insisted she quit her job and relationship with her OM(her boss) and worked her [censored] off to convince me not to divorce her. But, hey, that’s just me I guess.

As it was, I still exacted a huge amount of pain from her, I suppose, to compensate or at least make her feel my pain. Over the course of a number of years, I think she has it now. OTOH, at what cost?

Our 39 year old M will never again have the magic of exclusivity, or the trust that she could not somehow, fail to protect her weakness again. I was a fool to believe that she was impervious to this, but, I will never be anyone’s fool again.

Sorry if this sounds depressive, but after reading thousands of posts from BH’s, I know it’s out there.

Even in the best of recoveries, it’s never the same again, is it?

Think I should take a long sabbatical and learn to live with the shattered pieces. I suspect that there are far too many of US out there trying to do the very same thing.

I hope we will find peace!

All Blessings,
Jerry

ditto

I really, really like the people on this forum, too.

she means me, of course

It's funny you ask this question. I think about why I feel drawn to MB. I just realized something today, I am not fully on board with the Plans. I think I will try to stop reading on here, I do not think it is helping me and I do not think I am of any help to others since I am not able to embrace the Plans. Now if only I can find the willpower to stop reading on here, then I can find out if I feel better with or without MB.

I found MB a long time ago and it helped me so much, when I was in a very painful place. I tried to come back and post, out of a desire to pass along the help I'd received, but it was way too painful. I tried several times, with long breaks between visits.

Now that pain is far enough in the past, and my M is strong enough and fun enough that it's not raw any more. It's almost like a movie I saw or a book I read.

Now I come here for two reasons:

1 - To hopefully help others when they're in one of life's darkest places and really need that hand reaching out to them, as others did to me.

2 - Because I realize I am a conflict avoider with a slight tendency toward selfishness and entitlement and I need reminders of what I learned here lest I forget and neglect my marriage or become wayward.

I dont have any problem being here and reading about others sitchs although i do feel sad for them.
Your last point TH really hits home tho

Wow, you hit the nail on the head right there for me. That is me to a tee. I think that I need this place to see what could happen if I get complacent again. Also, because I have a conversation need, and it's difficult to talk about these subjects in "Real life".

I have to admit though, sometimes it can be a trigger, since we are still so new at this and things are so raw, and there are threads that I definitely stay away from. I also hope to develop enough knowledge to help someone else, even if it's just being a listener. Helping others and "taking care of them" is something that I feel compelled to do, in my everyday life and beyond.

This place may have saved my life. I will give back whatever I can to express my gratitude.

MB hasn't necessarily caused me pain. But it was causing me to be stuck since several stories reminded me of my own at times, which would stir the emotional pot and anger I harbored.

I'm ok now as far as reading stories goes, but there was a time that it had me stuck.

I post because it helps and because Chrisner hit the nail on the head. It's a club I never wanted to join, but I'm glad I'm here with you guys and the knowledge I've gained is one which will carry through to my next relationship and woe to any woman who ever cheats on me again. I'm now armed with MB knowledge!

I will hopefully use the knowledge I've gained here to stay away from morally bankrupt women with poor boundaries.

For me and my wife, MB was light in a very dark place.

I'm here to pay it forward.

Yes to help even just ONE person in my entire time here... that's worth it.
Just as I was helped as a WW to see what I had done.
Yes its worth it.

The day I found MB was the first day of sanity I had in the 5 months since DDay. Someone out there "knew" what I was going through...someone understood.

In my weakened state, I would sign on my computer, log on to MB and go to my thread and see a few responses, and it would bring tears to my eyes. I was stunned complete strangers would reach out and help a pitiful wretch like me.

After a while I began to tell some newcomers the same MB strategies that were told to me. The more I wrote to the newbies what I'd been told the better I understood the plan.

Knowing many others were going through the same thing also made me feel less alone. People here UNDERSTOOD infidelity, while real-life friends and family offered generally worthless advice.

Sticking around became easy... helping those new arrivals, trying to help them execute MB principals WITHOUT making the same mistakes I and others made along the way.

Sometimes I take a break and don't read or post for a while. Sometimes I look in and see someone who needs just what I can tell them. I feel better about having given something back to these forums that helped me so much in my own time of need.

Many of those who helped me no longer post, but if they should look in I wish I could thank them personally for their generosity and compassion. They may have helped save more than my marriage...

Peace and blessings to all

Nope.

Even back at the beginning, when I was raw, it helped me to keep posting here. I had so many awful feelings that had to get out somehow if I was to heal. I could either dump them into cyberspace as I reached out to help others, or hold onto them till they festered and destroyed my will to recover our marriage.

AJ didn't understand it at first, and worried that being here would keep me bogged down. But posting here and helping others is what kept me focused on recovery, even when it was very difficult, and it was tempting to give up.

It makes me so happy when I see him on here too, reaching out to others.

Killer Bee? Present, head up and shoulders back! Proud to be part of that club...

Pom, I still can't read some of the stories either...it hurts, bring up that pain again too...so I avoid those...

Living with an abusive man for 15 years and not knowing what was going on and the last A led me here...it is that club I didn't want to be apart of...it was the bottom that I hit...

BUT it was MB, the people and the tools that I gained that keeps me coming back...maybe, just maybe something that I post...one sentence of my life will help another get out of an abusive sitch and go on to be a happy person...to want to do better for their kids...

There are times when I lurk...don't have anything to said becasue I don't want to...but when I got here I felt like nothing I said was worth anything...here I am valuable, here is where I decided to change my life for the better...here is where I learned that life wasn't suppose to be the way it was...

Like D said, I'm paying it forward...Mrs. W...giving back...

Like Chrisner said I ahve made wonderfully close friends, some I ahve met and some I WISH I could...this IS home...but one day I may fade away too...but I've spoke out, shared, faced my fears, and have become a completely different person...ALL STARTING HERE!

I know what you mean, POM. There are times when I can get energetic about trying to help someone get through something, and there are times when I can't bear to read one more tale of infidelity. And there are times when I think what the hell do I know anyway? Kinda like the rollercoaster of adultery, I guess.

There were times when I felt like I needed to come here, but I don't feel that way anymore. Now I only want to come here, mostly to check on my friends. Occasionally to update something about myself. Sometimes I just post my story hoping that others can learn from it. Lord knows I made most of the possible mistakes--maybe others can avoid them.

I'll say this, though--I shudder to think where I would be without this place and those who keep it going.

At D-day plus 8 months, I am no vet. I thank those of you who are who continue to post your experiences here. Reading here validated some of those things that I seemed to know intuitively, but could not provide a rationale. There were many, many times when I articulated to FWH the logic behind why I was saying what I was saying - why it was impossible for him to be friends with OW, why NC was so important, why NC letter was so important, why it was important for me to know all kinds of details about the OW and the A, how he was gaslighting me and even sometimes fooling himself with his thoughts and words. Giving structure to our conversations has helped not only my R, but his. Without your posts this would not have been possible.

I still read here nearly every day, post less frequently. I am easily frustrated by the many BS's who are in so much pain, but cannot seem to implement the really good advice that is given here. And then there will be someone else who really "gets it" and seems tracking for a healing R.

My thanks to you that post and who return here - regardless of your personal reasons.

AM

Ah yes, it has been some time since I’ve posted to this forum. And as I read through the many thread captions I couldn’t help but notice how little the landscape has changed, same problems, same solutions.

Like so many here, MB’s was my daily home for the first year following D-day. It was my safe haven and the place I would frequent to untangle the senselessness called infidelity. As time passed I slowly began to disengage from the daily exercise of signing in. At year two I noticed that my visits to these forums were having an undesirable effect on my recovery. Almost as if I were keeping my wife’s past mistakes too close at hand. I began to view my visits here as disrespectful to our continuing recovery. Yet I didn’t entirely leave. After three years I hardly visited at all. Now, four years have passed and I am most pleased to notice that the MB forums have lost their relevance to my marriage. I no longer need them and I couldn’t be more pleased.

So it goes with almost everyone who has every visited this site. It is a place to heal but not a place to live. The real world and your family is the goal, it is where we all belong. These forums are merely the road between devastation and redemption.

I still stop in every now and then, just to remind myself of how far my wife and I have traveled and perhaps to lend a hand to a troubled marriage or two. As many others have already noted, there is a great deal of personal self satisfaction to know that you may have played a key role in helping a lost soul find their way. I remember how important it was for me to read the advice of those who walked before me. There was a “kindness of logic” from so many that helped make sense of what had befallen me. I shall never forget my time here and I will always think kindly of the many men and women that provided me a roadmap home. Alas, I see few old friends that I recognize; the names are mostly new to me even though their stories may be the same.

Letting these MB forum sink into the past is part of healing. Do not fear it and don’t force it. It will happen all by itself.

Mr. G

Why keep posting??

An excellent question. For me there really are many reasons. The first is simple

1. I'm Just Learning? Seriously, I gain new insights, new perspecitives and new understanding on a daily basis here.

2. I believe in Santa Claus, in fact I KNOW Santa Claus exists.

Now many of you may think someone in their 60's might be a little old for this, but I would say it is never too late to believe in Santa Claus. What do I mean? I mean the real spirit of Santa Claus and Christmas, that in your life someone will give you a gift. A gift you never earned, a gift you don't necessarily deserve, and because you don't know this person, you can never really repay them...you don't have to.

We teach kids that these things can happen. And if we practice what we teach, we do these things for other people as well.

The gift of time, the gift of listening, the gift of heartfelt advice are given here all of the time, not because someone deserves it or we know them, or that they will even follow it, it is because it is a good thing to do but we know we are anonymous and thus other than what we obtain from giving, there will no direct payback.

See why I believe in Santa Claus???

3. Finally, I think people remain around these boards for a long time because it is addictive and it is a place where you see courage, people fighting for what they believe in, people at their lowest, rising to their highest to save their families and their marriages. It is hard not to see how they are going to do. It is hard not to try and offer at least a little help or encouragement. It is hard not to watch people change and become stronger, better, and more focused. Strength is addictive and this is a place where you see people who might consider themselves weak become strong.

I could go on, but I guess I remain because I love see people triumph over their own failures and those of there loved ones.

God Bless,

JL

Great post jL

I think you hit the nail just right



This is good