Well, the worst has happened. He'd gone out with friends a couple times since returning home and always did OK just drinking soda or water. About a month ago his gift to a "friend" (who was there with him last night, great friend after all hey!?) was being the designated driver and again, he did great.

Last night seemed fine - he was checking in with me, in good spirits, etc. But when he came home I just knew - I could smell it and as you can imagine I was immediately triggered. He swore no beer, no alcohol, just NA. Being ignorant about NA I didn't know how much of an argument I had (regarding the smell) so we just went to sleep. This morning he confessed. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I feel terrible. I did have a beer last night"

I know most have slips but I do NOT know what to do. I must tell the kids...but, I suppose I'll give him the opportunity to first. Is this the deal breaker (5 days before Christmas: awesome) or does he get a chance at redemption with me being MAMA??

Of course we codependents tend to blame ourselves and I started a little this morning...forget that crap. This was his assenine choice and part of me wants to go to him, thank him for honesty & tell him x, y, z for NO MORE while the other part of me wants his just-can't-be-a-big-boy [censored] on the street ASAP.

Clearly I'm in no position to make a decision. Today is Christmas shopping day. Our BIG UA day together. Tonight we've got plans with friends. What would you do? Go alone/say nothing/leave him to wallow in guilt? Have a 3 hr conference first & go as planned, with even MORE strict never-again boundaries in place? I don't know what to do.

ETA: Recovery has been good so far. All except for this week. Something killed our communication and kicked my insecurity into over-drive. Perhaps his reason for needing a drink? Dunno.

If I am reading this correctly, your husband is an alcoholic that hangs out with friends in bars????????????

Ummmmm.....let me suggest a simple concept here. NO BARS. EVER.

from Mel two months ago.

Believer told you the same thing.

Julie,

Is your husband in AA? That would be a boundary of mine if I were you...He needs a meeting today...

And I agree with MEDC...Bars are a NO GO...

Mrs. W

I've been too lenient. I did not create this, but I sure shouldn't be surprised. I'm not. Not surprised at all, yet still hurt, ANGRY, scared, glad I didn't sign that new car note just yet, heartbroken for my kids, and other feelings that don't have words yet. AA went away a while ago. So did Al-Anon, actually. We're the parents whose kids' activities eat up most of our free time, hence the date nights & UA whenever we can steal it.

I remember those words from Mel. Those and so many others. I'm just as guilty as him - moreso, I suppose, since I'm the one with my sh*t together and all these supposed "boundaries".

But this is no time to beat myself up.

I walked in to our room to get some things as I'm preparing for a day of shopping & he said, "what should I be doing?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm in no position to make any decisions just yet." <silence> "Thank you for telling me. I love you anyway. How about you tell me the story?"
His story: "everything was fine, we went to (bar very close to home), they didn't have NA & I was sick of drinking soda, so I ordered a beer"
Me: "was it worth it?"
Him: "no"
Me: walked out of room before I started crying. He does NOT get to see me cry over this BS!!

Julie,

Is he in AA?

Mrs. W

See post above yours:

I don't know...I'm thinking I need to let this go. This is a very, very familiar road & I'm sick of it. I'm never going to get better myself if I continue to ALLOW my husband to keep me right where I've been since adolescence. He doesn't get it. I barely 'get it' enough myself. It's toxic. I'm facing my second Christmas "alone" and it's thanks to the all-mighty beer AGAIN. I'm better than this.

My husband KNOWS that drinking non alcoholic beer is a gateway drug for him.

I was kinda thinking the same thing. So, perhaps I did create this. He laid the path for his unevitable failure and together we walked it. I sent out the "W Family Announcement" email earlier this week, with his blessing, letting everyone know he's back home, our family is back together, and he is sober.

I feel like a fool.

Well, I'm going shopping. OH wait, I can't, I have no car. I could call my mom, have her take me. I don't know if I'm going to keep my husband or not but I feel fairly confident I do not want to spend the day planning Christmas with him.

You: "Going to 30 meetings in 30 days, starting today. Getting a sponsor. Reading the Big Book."

If this is not a priority for him, he'll slip again and again.

Julie...Do you remember Mel's story of how she started AA? Her husband gave her a choice...Either you go or I am taking the boys and leaving...He drove her to her first meeting and sat in the car waiting for her...If I were you, him going to AA would be my boundary...Without it he is merely "white-knuckling" it, and it's just a matter of time before he drinks again...He is going to have to surrender and admit his powerlessness to alcohol...

Mrs. W

So, y'all aren't acting like this is a deal-breaker. I am. Isn't finding, driving to (my car's in the shop today), and waiting outside to ensure attendance being the Mommy?? I don't want to be the Mommy! I want a husband who wants me as his wife & respects what it takes to be that. I guess he can't do it if I don't give him the directive but I resent the directives!! And is ensuring he goes to AA & "follows my rules" more important than the very busy & important plans I've got today? Somebody's got to get the shopping done.

Yes, I remember Mel's story. Also SOT sat her husband down & did a very similar ultimatum. Is that my next move?

And what about the kids?

I'd rather leave him to wallow.

Have my mom pick me up & go on about my day.

I want to punish him.

This boy, my husband, does not know pain.

Not like I want him to know it right now.

You know what Julie?

You decide what your deal breaker is, not anyone else.

I've experienced the miracle of an AA success story.
When Mr Pep first started going every day (EVERYDAMNDAY) I was filled with resentment. Here were these strangers who could help my H, while I , his faithful betrayed wife, could not. It pissed me off. I thought he was romantically attached to his group. It took me getting my head right to realize the miracle of ME LETTING GO.

My husband will be "13 years old" December 27th. I will go to his meeting and give him a cake. I will be filled with gratitude and humility, because those strangers saved his life, not me. And I'm a nurse who is supposed to know how to help people!

You don't have to drive H to the meetings.

I told my H : "AA or leave" .... and I was being a real pepperhead when I said it

Yes, AA attendance is a must. YOU cannot police him. At AA they will let him know that bars are out! And you need to go to Alanon. Don't let kids activities get in the way of what should be the number 1 priority for your family.

Julie,

Mrs. W is right but there is more to this quote for "you".

YOU are going to have to surrender and admit YOU are powerless over alcohol no matter who consumes it!

About half of AA meetings are open meetings and you can attend them together. Many AA meetings have an Al-Anon meeting going at the same time. Some even have an Al-Ateen meeting available for the kids.

I would argue that the further the drive to a meeting that you both can attend, the better. Gives you UA time in the car both there and back if you will leave the radio off.

Julie, your husband going to a bar is the same thing as a wayward working at the same job, side by side with OW/OM and trying to recover their marriage. It is not an option!

this is so rude and disrespectful of you

.... I know exactly how you feel .... don't dwell there too long .... it causes frown lines on your face

Julie, this was a foregone conclusion and the inevitable has happened. I don't know what else I can say. What was going to happen has happened. You can't live the life of a drunk and stay sober. It just doesn't work that way. I am sorry you signed on for this, friend.