Hi,, I just have a couple questions:

1. Why do you allow your husband to enter a bar?
2. Why let him hang out with people while they are drinking?

No one, even a non alcoholic could resist drinking if they always hang out with friends who drink or hang out at bars!

And, the question of time to go to AA and Al Anon. All the time your husband spends with friends in bars should be used to go to AA. There is a lot of time there, he uses the precious time going to bars, hanging with drinking buddies, etc.

How does him going to bars with friends help your marriage?

I think you will have constant problems if these RULES in your marriage are not enforced IMMEDIATELY>

RULES:

1. NO bars.
2. NO friends who drink. At all.
3. AA every day.
4. Al Anon every week at least.


Does your husband work or is he a slacker?

OK.

I think you are right, considering we've always had constant problems. This seems reasonable, thank you for the very specific idea. He works, very hard. He almost always has. So it's always boggled how/why he could be friends with some slackers/losers!!? I guess we all like feeling looked up to.

I am glad he works!

If it were my husband I would "forgive him for drinking that beer" and then tell him these rules, and give him a written copy of them. If you want, have him sign a little contract regarding these rules. Then, have a good holiday.

Next week, post these rules in the kitchen and on your husbands computer screen with a sticky note.

HOLD HIM TO THEM!

I'm typing them up now.

So far, I've got...

1. AA – today, tomorrow, every day for at least the next 30 days.
2. Get a sponsor.
3. Get & read “The Big Book”
4. We go to back Al-Anon & Alateen - every week.
5. NO bars. Ever.
6. No participation in events/outings/social or other scenes that involve alcohol.

I LOVE IT!

As other posters have pointed out, now is your chance while he feels a bit guilty!

This is going to save your marriage. When you go to Alanon next time bring the list and ask them if he fails any of the things what your next move is! It is good to have your next move ready if you have to enforce a rule or something!

Good going Julie!

Have a wonderful Christmas. :happyholidays:

That's a good start. He really will benefit from attending AA. The 12 step program is a program for life, and if he works it, he will be protected from other addictions too.

Chin up girl, either he is going to be serious about stopping, or you will be better off without him.

Ah,

7. Tell the kids.

He won't do it. I believe he is preparing to leave.

If this is the case, he is showing that he loves his alcohol and his alcoholic friends more than you, your kids, and the marriage.

That is sad.

you just pushed aside the best poster to help you through this....why...because YOU don't want the truth about how YOU invited this into your life and are now whining about it.

:RollieEyes:

But Julie, Mel seems like a reasonable person to me. You can apologise and ask for her to come back and help!

Some people, like me are very sensitive....!

Ask her to come back~!

Mel's choice to leave is just that: a choice. I didn't push anything. Perhaps she "yelled" (we all know CAPS = yelling) at me because of the personal attachment - I don't know & I won't [censored]ume.

I already know the truth about how I invited it, I'm living the truth (again) of the consequences (again) and I am far from whining.

Julie - Let him go if that is what he wants.

Really, he needs to realize that he is powerless over alcohol. You need to realize that YOU are powerless.

So sorry that you are going through this right before Christmas. But if he won't at least go to AA, he still doesn't GET it.

Julie,

I rarely post on MB anymore but read regularly. 7 years ago, I was in you shoes. My XH - yes, PLEASE see those two words - was/is a alcoholic. He started an affair two months after our son was born (we were married a little over a year at that point in time) and it lasted 2 years before he left me and our son to move to another country to live with the OW. He came back again and, then, left to return to the other country two days after out divorce was final. During the 2 years he was having his affair and we were still married, he would go out every night and drink beer.....8, 10, 12 beers a night. When he came home, he was either at the stage where he would pick an argument with me or pass out on the floor, the couch, the toilet, wherever. I thought it was my job to keep him sober, so I would beg, plead, argue, follow him, chase him down, anything to keep him from drinking. Twice during this time, he had nervous breakdowns and ended up in a psychiatric hospital where they focused on his drinking. He tried AA but fell away from it. Finally, it wasn't the drinking that ended my marriage, but the affair. He left and returned to the other country. Throughout this entire time, Mel was providing me guidance and "tough love" on how to deal with the drinking - after all, Dr. Harley himself says, you can't work on your marriage and worry address the conditions that caused the affair if there is a bigger problem like an addiction. I wasn't happy with what Mel was telling me and refused to hear what she advised. Guess what? She was absolutely right and, I will add, is now a very dear friend.

My XH returned to the States 2.5 years ago. For 1.5 of those years, I let XH live in my house as he did not have a job, any place to live, etc. I also hoped it would allow us to recover our marriage. Impossible, because XH was still drinking. The same issues that were there before he left were still there and were just as ugly. He has been out of my house a year and, when I see him because of our son, many times he has been drinking or when I drop son of at his house, there are beer bottles galore. Do I still love him? Yeah, I do. Do I want to live with him and be married to him? NO! I don't EVER want to go back to that same dynamic. With XH or any other man.

YOU cannot fix this. It is completely up to your WH. What you CAN do is exactly what Mel and Pepper are telling you. They are spot on and have walked the same path...one in your WH's shoes and the other in your shoes. Your marriage's only chance is to do exactly what they suggest.

Thanks for your post, BB. You might have read above that I did what was suggested - I printed out a list of "rules" and gave it to him. He won't do it. H doesn't like "rules" and doesn't like being governed. Also, he is not an alcoholic, I get away with all my crazies & he doesn't hold me to it, it was just one slip, he's been to "those classes" (AA) and they have nothing to offer him because there is no link between him and any of those people.

FYI

OH, but he doesn't want to leave. He didn't know this would be a relationship-altering mistake. You're right, he doesn't get it.

Julie - it's time to call the elephant out of hiding under that rug in the living room.

He knew full well this was a deal breaker - look at what he went through to get sober.

He doesn't have to believe he's an alcoholic. But if he wants to live under the same roof as you he goes to meetings. And he doesn't drink. Ever.

And he changes friends.

Are you ready to take it to over? Instead of just be angry?

Go to an Anon meeting for yourself. You have too many questions and not enough certainty about what to do. And your children are compensating to keep the room from going on tilt between their parents. This is not healthy for them.

Work your own program. From there you will learn what you need to do to have sanity in your life. With or without him.

You intend to guilt him into this? Please understand, a practicing or drinking ALCOHOLIC wakes up every morning sorry for that last drink, last drunk, or black out. I'm never going to do that again, I'm going to get help, do whatever it takes.

That's at 9:00

You're still feeling sick to your stomach and not EVER going to drink again, you learned your lesson THIS TIME.

That's 3:00

On your way home.... you stop because you CAN'T NOT DRINK.

Melody was right, going to a bar is as much as drinking, an accident waiting to collide and he HAS.

IMHO, truly humble opinion, you can't set any limits restrictions, etc on him. His booze will win out EVERYTIME.. It calls us, it haunts us, we have short term memory. We forget the promises, the destruction it brings, you know this TIME it will be different.

I'm not saying that you don't need to have a bottom line, I'm not saying that what you are suggesting isn't dead on. But I personally think you need to realize it doesn't matter to him what he loses as long as he has his booze if he is still hanging around in bars and doing what he "used to" without the alcohol. The ONLY thing he needs to CHANGE is EVERYTHING.

Julie, you are back here at this place because you didn't learn how to take care of yourself and be prepared for when and if he got to this point.

You can't tell him what his sobriety looks like, you can only set your limits, so that when this time happens again because no matter how much we wish it, we can't work their program, you are prepared for youself.

Julie, my heart bleeds for the pain and the sadness that one more alcoholic took that drink last night. I understand that lying to yourself, that turmoil, that desire for a new life, but regardless you have to take care of yourself the best way you can.