Its been a little over a year since I once was on here asking for advice and answers to my marriage and my screw up. I was the biggest wreck I have ever been in my life and was so lost. Thanks to this site it taught me a lot in ways. Breif overview of my situation

I was married in May 07, Had an affair Oct. 07 I think it was. Wife left and in a few months found another guy which she was with till dec. 07. I begged and begged, got myself into church, changed my life. Wife finally took me back in end of Jan.08. I was doing great no longer wanted to leave my wife, we were very happy, moved back in together was doing very great. As we have been together, since about Oct of this year or so ive starting to have bad anger issues agian. This has always been a problem with us, I have a very bad temper and I blow up. I have a pretty good Idea why I am like this.

My father growing up never delt with problems very well, when he would get mad he would yell, cuss and throw things and put me down so bad all my life. He would never talk about problems he would just show anger to deal with them, well I can say I am like him when it comes to dealing with problems. I get mad cuss put my wife down and throw things. I cannot help I am like this I have tried so hard to stop myself but at times I cannot, I know I need help with medication but never took forth to doing it.



Well im a very athletic person and into Cage Fighting (MMA), Im succeeding very well in it and I wanted to jump up in weight, so I resorted to steroids and gym every day, i swoll up and got to the weight I wanted and got off of them. Well I can say that was one of the worst decisions I could have made, it made me very very angry at times and did things I could not imagine ever doing agian. It messed with my hormones so bad I started actually feeling like I hated my wife and didnt wanna associate with her when I came home, we both became very angry towards eachother.

So now we are here in Dec. 08....I blow up hard and finally tell my wife I cannot take it anymore and make it all her fault, when I know its mine. I told her I want time apart and I donot want to talk to her or anything, so I go off with a friend (hes married and a very good friend that my wife trusts), we headed to the beach for two days, we just got away and had a good time, at this time my wife had stayed with her parents for a few nights to give me my space. By this time I get back its been about 5 days or so we've been apart, I ignored her phone calls ect most of the time and didnt say much. Well now I get back and she tells me shes tired of me ect. which I didnt blame her, and she tells me shes going to see a lawyer to seperate. I didnt put up a fight I told her I loved her but if thats what she wanted. Well I come home a week ago, no bed,no tv, no washer and dryer, nothing! Now I have a couch to sleep on. Keep in mind we have till feb for our apartment lease, and we just purchased my parents house who just moved to wilmington. So now we are stuck with a 180k house we dont live in and are in the process of selling. I told her I was sorry and I need help but she refuses to listen to me and tells me shes 100% sure shes done with me this time around, I dont blame her a bit really she does deserve better.

But I love my wife and I do want to get meds and counciling and work through ANOTHER screw up by me but totally different this time around, she told me she doesnt want to talk to me and she hasnt answered me in almost a week, I didnt contact her for 5 days until today and she told me not to talk to her when I sent her a text, I spoke with her mother on our finances and all and she said she thinks my Wife is done this time around, Now I did hear all of this last time but I dont think my wife is coming back this time. I WANT to get meds and help my anger issues but I dont think she will be willing to come back for a third time.


Im a failure, I cannot beleive I have put her through this so much I really am worried for myself at this point and cant believe I would hurt someone so much like I did her. I love her and we were debating on kids before this happened. I miss her and im so alone and love her. I really need advice at this point and peoples insight that has been in this situation, she said she thinks we would be happier with other people.


Edit: I was jut reading another thread and looked up some issues I have I really think I am Bi Polar this like describes me very very well....
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm


Now it hurts pretty bad I just realized I have this condition and probably lost my marriage because of it?



Another Edit: Wife texted me with this, I needed my moms new cell #

"number please dont =texted me again ok im really happy n im gettin treated very good an im with someone"

I have been ok, until after I read that article I have once again hit rock bottom, balling to my mom for over a hour, im going to lay on my couch which is all I have and hopefully pass out. Tomorrow im going to get help, I really nedd it

Sorry for your problems. I remember having to take steroids once for a week for a medical problem, and I have never felt so angry in my life as during that week. I was mad at the entire world! So I'm sure you know now that that's not the way to go, right? It really messes with your mind.

What to do? Go online, look up psychologists in your area, and then look up reviews of them. A lot of places have sites where they rate local services. Pick the one with the best reputation, and start going on a regular basis. I don't want to hear you can't afford it. What is your life worth? What is getting your wife back worth?

If I were her, I'd have to see you making good progress with the doctor for a full year, seeing you living a different life, real changes, for a year before I'd be willing to trust you again. If she still loves you but just can't handle your issues, you still have a chance.

Ok so I just found out a guy I work with is haning out with her the last two weeks. I cannot beleive this, it was one of my best friends!!!


What a horrible day


Edit: I also found out they have been staying in motel rooms?


THis hurts this guy isnt for her. Hes very very charming and makes good money.

Wife is turning 21 thursday.
He is late 20s almost 30's.


He just had 17 feleonys on him for hooking up with a 15yr old girl but the girl finally dropped them.

He does coke,pills and drugs. He has a worse temper than me at times. BUt hes very charming and getting her attention!

Hey there Zach...

Good to see you here...sorry for where you are at right now.

I don't understand, tho, that your expectation for her to not be unfaithful again in your marriage.

To my knowledge, she didn't promise to not be...her infidelity wasn't addressed, just yours. Am I mis-remembering? Which meant it's okay for her to smash your marriage to bits, as long as you agreed with her that she was justified?

I know you will seek help for your anger (steriods, withdrawal from, etc.) for YOU. That's not who you really are...and shutting out, doing the punishing removal, isn't you either.

Certainly what you do...you act out what you feel...and I'm wondering when you're going to stop that? Kids act out...they don't have the words, communication skill set to do otherwise.

You do.

Acting out, abandoning, hitting her where she'll hurt most...own all of that. Bit by bit, state the truth...I chose to punish back, avoid conflict, lie by omission, abuse...own each part...yours...to what you did.

None of it justifies her infidelity. It cannot. There are no justifications...she couldn't make you be that punisher, conflict avoider, liar or abuser...you chose.

So does she.

I believe you're both addicted to drama which will undue any attempts at true intimacy...because it's living fantasy. Not real. Clear your own decks, Zach. Get what you didn't before and see the patterns you chose to do again, the old ones, when you knew better.

LA

Thanks LA its so good to hear from u.


Well I had my affair.

Months after we split, she met a guy got attached and he ended up moving back to his Ex 4 months later, thats when my wife accepted me back and gave me a second chance. She WILL NOT admit it was an Affair on her part, she always said we were seperated so its legal, which really bothered me.

Fact is I had a second chance and my mental condition threw it all away. First time I didnt realize I had this condition I thought I had a bad temper I didnt realize how much I put her down and such. I treated her horribly and I wish I didnt and I could not control it at times.



Im seeking help this week talking to a doctor.

Zach,

Do not self-diagnose. Leave that to the professionals.

And yes, see the professionals.

Just like in AA or Al-Anon, you cannot change from what you deny you do.

She can believe she wasn't unfaithful...doesn't touch what you believe. Dating while married is adultery.

Just so you are clear. Not to make her clear, 'k?

You didn't do all of this or none of this...each have their part. You're looking to clear up your part...gotta see exactly what it is to do so.

Focus on seeing clearly.

Do NOT compare yourself to the AP (affair partner) ever. Always a step down, 'k? 'Cuz they are not real.

You are real.

Did you do this all year with her last OM in your head? Part of choosing to allow what is in your thoughts, generating your emotions to build and then explode is the choice where your thoughts dwell, what bit of fantasy you indulge yourself in--like comparing real to not real.

Your choice. Make the healthy one.

People are not replaceable. Up to you to choose to believe it or not, then choose your thoughts accordingly.

I won't go into your mental condition out of your control or not...you know the signals of when you are flooded, most reactive...we all get that way...the permission for this to justify your actions is fantasy, too. Just like it is for us when we do it. You can usually find a justification behind a disrespectful word or action.

Or several.

Do what gives you the most balance, understanding and clear-headedness in self. See them as the acts of love they are, for yourself. Let the outcome go. Wasn't in your hands anyway.

And remember that the cruel bear of judgment you put her down with is also what you do to yourself in your own head...heal both and choose differently.

Let us know how it goes...hold yourself to doing so even if you don't feel like it...teaches your brain what you really want. Builds your self-esteem and self-respect...because they are based on what you do and not do...not others.

LA

Thanks so much LA.


I do feel very releavied I know who it is now, it sucks I WORK WITH HIM.

I did call her mother and let her know how this individual is and his background, im exposing him and who he really is to her family, im not gonna talk to her. I think she wants me to sit down and talk to her father this afternoon and explain it to him.


My W doesnt know his background and I dunno how she will react to it either? We'll see....




When we first got back together I did think about the OM a lot but knew I had to let it go and not hold it to her we did get into a big fight where both Affairs were brought up and we got over them and I think we have serious trust issues this past year but didnt ever bring any of it up, we really need a professional counsler.


Guess we will see the outcome when she finds out who this OM really is on the inside.

Pill head
coke head
Very controlling and temper
been engaged several times
Wife is like 9 years younger.
He lives with his parents still
always wants to fight when has a problem or pull his gun out.
Screwed a 15yr old girl recently.


Also I had went on a beach trip before this happend while we were fighting to get away, I found out the OM made a bs story up that I had been with a girl while I was down there? And of course with my History the wife beleives it all. Hes feeding her a bunch of crap.

I know I need to work on myself and not focus on the OM.

I please hope you guys stick with me here, a TON has happend the past 3 days.



Wife decides to come over and talk to me about our marriage, Im really sweet and all and we talk alot and she seems to wanna pull through and take it slow.

Wednesday- She comes back over and brings our dog which she lets stay with me, we watch tv and its pretty romantic, I rub her head and cuddle with her, she ends up making the move on me and we have sex? We had a really great night and felt like we fell in love all over again.

Thursday Its her 21st birthday. We talk we're excited we decide to go out with some friends so she can finally drink legally. I get off of work, go see a doctor and get some medication for my temper issues. We're doing great!We go out and have a good time and she ends up drinking, and we got back to her parents and I hold her head up while she throws up for a hour, we head to bed. I stay with her @ her parents, wake up in the morning kiss her and tell her I love her.


Friday-She doesnt say much to me, I talked to her a few times and I noticed the OM @ work texting, so I knew he was to her, they talked some through texting she admitted to me today. She says she still has his coat she needs to give to him, I told her I could give it to him. She didnt call me after work or anything!?? Im very worried at this point. I call her and ask her if shes ok, she was going to her friends parents house cause they are in town. She tells me she needs time to herself cause she "doesnt know what she wants". Im really confused @ this point, she tells me she even loves me when she gets off the phone??



It really hurt to have 3 really good days like this and then she all of a sudden hit me with that shes not sure what she wants again. Everything has been PERFECT the past 3 days. And she even told me she still wants me to stay w/ her on Christmas Eve so im not alone on christmas???



Someone please help me with some advice here!

Hi Zach,

I was thinking about you not too long ago. I'm sorry to see that you are having so much pain. I don't have any advice to add except just hang in there!

Charlotte

Thank you, youve been a great help in the past. I hope your doing well.



Im still down this morning, Wife was susposed to call me last night and never did. It hit me with a shock last night after staying with her and everything seeming perfect back to this again. She knows she shouldnt talk to the OM but she still is a little through sms.

Zach,

I don't know if your marriage can be saved at this point. You are both young.

However, there are some things that you MUST change in order to have any hope of saving this marriage or any other relationship.

You have a temper. You have a lifestyle and diet/supplement regimen that feeds that temper. I'm sure you've heard of Roid Rage? It's a fact. A once promising young man that I worked with is now serving a life sentence for murdering his wife.

Consider finding a sport that challenges you that ISN'T Combative/fighting. I know some guys will defend to the death that "fighting" doesn't transfer to home - but facts are facts. It does. So you can be right and keep fighting - and lose your marriage and all other future relationships to the same fate, or you can find another physical fitness regimen that serves the relationship too.

Consider a job change. This OM is a piece of work, you need to be away from him. Your wife is young but she's of age. Read up on Plan A and Plan B - have you started reading "Surviving an Affair" yet?

Zach, you USED this board a year ago to get your wife back, just as I posted to you last year. It worked and you have spent the last year abusing her again!

I told you back then that you needed to focus on making yourself a better man, a man of integrity. I told you then that the best thing your wife could do for herself was to divorce you (I have NEVER told any BS to divorce before or since).

You have abused your wife and it was clear last year that your only purpose on this board was to win her back so you could have what you want.

So now here you are, whining the same story. She deserves better....I love her...help me get her back. If she deserves better and you really truly love her, then why are you selfishly trying to get her back again?

Zach, you have done nothing to make yourself a better man. All your actions this past year have been because YOU WANTED what YOU wanted. You cheated on your wife throughout your relationship and into your marriage and abused her emotionally and even at times physically. You are still full of selfishness and entitlement. You have not changed and I still hear the same thing from you that I heard last year. I want...I need...help me get what I want.

You and your wife are toxic to each other. Thank God there are no children. Start really working on your character flaws and let your wife move past all the heartache she has suffered because of you. It she chooses yet again another loser, that's for her to live with. You are in now way her knight in shining armor.

If you look even after we got back together I checked back into this site and gave an update a few times.

I have no abused my wife since we been back together, I DO realize I have some issues which I this past week went and got medication for, Bi-Polar runs in my family and I do beleive I have some issues I never took care of last time around, so yes I AM doing things to better myself as well. I really wish you wouldnt post in my thread if this is all your going to do again. You should hope I change and fight for my marriage back and one day be happy together and well.

But anyway, I noticed the OM on the phone today for about 30mins at work. When he walked away I hit redail on the phone, of course it went to my Wifes phone. I did speak to her after work as well and asked if she would let me take her out to eat tonight, she told me she didnt know and wouldnt give me an answer, she then had a beep and told me she would call me back but never did.


I didnt make any outrageous outburts like I did the time before or beg for her back, I was calm and happy, and told her she would have a good time, she sounds half out of it and very down.




Not sure what to do at this point, doesnt look like contact is going to end between them two. I am continuting to take my medicine and I can say my attitude has changed this past week from it, I go back to the Doctor on the 14th for a check up on how ive been.

Please tell him about the lifestyle - cage fighting and steroid use. Not fair to him to have him medicate you when you may be taking something that may create extreme reactions from other medications. Believe me - my friend now serving a life sentence in prison didn't know about drug interactions for depression and steroid use either.

I understand and I did. I havent taken steroids since Oct, and I have stopped fighting for the past week, I will continue to do so, I have lost desire really to do anything at this point and havent ate in 2 days.


Ive been reading like crazy on this board and reading up on Plan A/B. I really need to work on myself and continue to better myself for her or the future.


She said she will stop by my apartment tonight so I can give her a Bday present since she was throwing up the other night and I had to take care of her.

Spoke with the W tonight.


She blew me off on our plans of her coming over.
On the phone she was fairly blank, shes going blowling with the OM tonight and already has plans tomorrow night. I was very calm and understanding on the phone with her, I controlled my emotion (first time ive ever done that). Shes def. in the fog right now for sure. Amazing how 3 days can go so perfect and turn around like this, she stated she had feelings for the OM and we have a lot of hurt and maybe we both can be happy with somoene else? Possibly so, but I want to fight once again for my marriage and this time keep it for good with help from my doctor. I did make the mistake of putting the OM down to her though, hes a druggie and all and has a evil temper and I kept bringing that to her attention, she denies it all though of course shes going to take up for him at the moment.

Please Say a prayer for me.

Today is a new day. I can say im feeling a little better and im glad im taking my medicine as I should, I can say its helping through this struggle.

Hurts knowing she has plans with the OM today, but I need to stop focusing on that. I do think I need help on a plan to take. Ive read a lot about Plan A and B, but when I talk with her she seems pretty annoyed and confused talking to me, shes very short. I have controlled my emotions and how I say things to her and I understand I need to be a friend for her and meet her top ENs.

I think I need to give her space and back off and not persue her? Maybe she will miss us like last time she got into a mess. The OM is a charmer and will do anything to pull her away from me even though he has these nasty habbits she doesnt beleive are a problem and thinks its his "past", when its not. I work with him and have hung out with him for years, I see through the OM.

Im thinking I should back off and give it through christmas, it was last week I was staying with her and she was focused on working with us, now its a total 180. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Looks like I may be alone here.



Anyway, stopped by the Inlaws house, needed to get a few things, she didnt tell me my WW was there! Well I get there and end up running into her in her room, I brought her present with me I never got to give her. I had bought her one of those Digital Picture frames and put all of our wedding pics and other pics through the years on it with a sweet song she loved. She told me to plug it up and watch it, we did. I noticed she was breathing pretty heavy and it got to her some as well as me.

We did speak for a few, I was calm,smiling and told her she looked good. Told her I would move in the house probably when I leave the apartment im living in around feb. I did noticed she had the OM's key on her keychain for his car, that hurt me but I didnt mention it to her. I asked if she still wanted me to spend christmas with her like we planned @ her parents, she told me..."well I dont want you to be alone, but dont wanna hurt you at the same time" She was still going to give me the presents she had bought me. Shes not angry like she was last time we split up.

She had told me her mother she needs to figure out what she wants, and looks like the OM is sweeping her off of her feet. On the way out she was leaving, I walked to her car with her and told eachother to have a good day and I told her to be careful, she reached out to give me a hug, then I kissed her on her forehead and told her I love her, and to be careful again.

Then off we went. This is a total 180 of what happened last time, last time she wouldnt get near me, cuss me out, tell me she never wants to talk to me again and no possiblity to ever reconcile. What gives here?



Edit: Ill ask you guys for advice on what to do for christmas, Should I take it as an opportunity to spend more time with her and deposit in the love bank? I have a feeling im just going to be sitting there while she ignores me kinda and makes it harder on me at the same time. Also Im backing way off from her, should I contact her once or twice a week to ask how she is doing and hope shes ok? Or should I just let her go?