Fifteen hours!!!

I'm so shocked that I can't remember in which section I read that a couple should spent 15 hours of quality time together each week.
FIFTEEN HOURS !!!

The week I'm about to describe wasn't a typical week.
It was the kind of week that hammers one more nail flush with the wood of the coffin that contains a relationship.

On Wednesday night, as has been his habit for 6 months, he drove to his club and picked up a female passenger on his way. They left at 7. He returned home at 11pm.

On Saturday, he left at 10am and returned at 5pm after his fortnightly sporting activity. This activity has nothing to do with the other one.

On Saturday night, as usual, he left for the monthly get together and picked up the same female passenger on his way. They left at 6 and he returned home at 2am.

On Sunday night, there was a demonstration on. His female passenger had agreed to be his partner in the demonstration. He picked her up around 11am. They drove for an hour to get to where the demo was being staged. They went to rehearsals; they went out for lunch; they had more rehearsals in the afternoon, out to dinner they and the rest of the club members went; back to the theatre where the demo was being held; time spent backstage waiting for their turn; they performed together in the demo which was late - don't things always run late in stage demonstrations? They stopped after the demo to chat to the other club members. Finally, they left. He got home at 11pm.

On Wednesday night, it was club night again so again, he left at 7pm, picked up his female passenger, drove her to his club, spent time there with her and the rest of the crowd then drove her home again before finally arriving home at 11pm.

Meanwhile, on Wedjesday night, he and his wife spent no time together because she's organised an activity of her own for Wednesday nights when he's out at his club, with his female companion.

On Thursday night, they spent 4 hours together, cooking dinner, in front of the television, all the usual things. None of it was quality time as he was preoccupied with the thought of the weekend activities and the upcoming demo.

On Friday night, they spent an hour together. He had things to do in his workshop. He was also preoccupied.

On Saturday, his wife left before he got up. She'd arranged an activity for the day for herself as she'd seen it was going to be a lonely weekend. She stayed out all day and was invited by her hostess to spend the night which she did. There was no point in going home as he was going to be out with his female passenger / companion. She eventually left on Sunday around 8pm and drove home. She has to be in bed by 10pm to get to work the next day so she didn't see him when he finally got in at 11. In fact, she hadn't seen him since Friday evening around 6pm and the next time she saw him was around 5pm on Monday.

On Monday and Tuesday, they spent about 4 hours total together, doing dishes, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, him watching television and so on.

On Wednesday night, she didn't even bother to go home after work because as usual, he was going out with his passenger to their club. Instead, she went to an activity she'd organised for herself. She was back home and asleep by the time he finally got home.

Therefore, in 8 days, he spent 28 hours with his passenger and other members of their club and he spent 9 hours together and those hours weren't spent with just the two of them - they were hours of busy work.

So in 8 days, this couple spent no quality time together at all. They sleep in separate rooms = another story for another day. In a normal week, they spend a minimum of quality time together, if any.

And then I read that if a marriage is going to work, the couple have to spend fifteen hours together a week!
FIFTEEN HOURS of quality time.
FIFTEEN HOURS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess their relationship is doomed. He's too independent, they don't spend enough time together, they sleep in separate rooms; because there's so much tension, there's too much anger, blame, criticism, &tc. He's running a risk by spending so much time either with his passenger or with other members of his club (half of them are female and no, his wife doesn't agree with him going there).

From what I've read on this website, it's probable that he'll have an affair, sooner or later. Even if he doesn't, there's precious little left of their relationship given that they hardly see each other, show no affection at all and are really just flatmates.

All this thinking started with Fifteen Hours.

It was an unusual week but it's my view that such weeks shouldn't happen. In a normal week, the couple would only spend about an hour of quality time together, which is minimal. It's weeks like the unusual week that have wrecked their relationship.

Well, if she wants things to change she can only work on cleaning up her own side of the street.
!. Honesty about the effect the independent behaviors are having on the M. "I am not happy and our M is going to die if this does not change."
2. Instead of scheduling her own independent activities, driving them further apart, she might consider getting immersed in the club activities right next to him. I get that she doesn't enjoy this activity. But he is prime affair risk, isn't he? It is going to be hard to chum it up with his companion if the wife is in the front seat, actively engaged as a marriage and life partner.
3. Read up on ENs and plan A. Try to figure out his top ENs and get information about how well you are meeting them.
4. Ask the question, "what am I doing to make 15 hours a week with me attractive and enjoyable?" Instead of looking for what you can get out of that, look for what you can give that would make him enjoy that 15 hours! Shared recreational activities jumps right out at this reader.

God bless, and keep posting.

You're right - your romantic relationship is already dead. Your marriage will soon follow.

What do you intend to DO about it?

And for the record, the extrordinary weeks are NOT the nail in the coffin. The regular weeks are.

Plan B.

You think spending NO time together will help your situation?

Robyn,

Fifteen hours is the bare minimum that couples should be spending together. If they can more, then they definitely should! I definitely wouldn't suggest Plan B if you want to save your marriage, not at this point in your relationship. Having no contact with one another is only going to drive the two of you further apart. My suggestions would be:

1. Communication, communication, communication! Let him know how you feel WITHOUT LBing. Let him know how important the marriage is to you, how important he is to you, and how badly you want to make your relationship work. Honesty is good...especially wrapped the right way (I feel, I think, I statements, you know ).

3. Read up on Plan A and work on that strategy. It really is a good thing. Try to plan date nights. As another poster stated, get involved with the club activities. Sometimes we have to suck it up and do things that really don't interest us if we want to make those we love happy. Eventually you may even begin to enjoy it. You gotta do what you gotta do to save your marriage.

Good luck and please don't try Plan B.

Thank you for your suggestion of using Plan A involving negotiation for a total separation from the other woman.

Unfortunately, such negotiation didn't work 6 months ago when he started driving the other woman around. Instead of moving the other woman out of his life, he became all the more determined to keep up his association with her and he moved me further away.

One reason why I wrote the original post is because I don't see how Plan A can draw a wayward spouse back if that spouse doesn't want to be drawn. Implementing Plan A caused the wayward spouse to be all the more determined to carry on with the lifestyle he's set up. He feels his obligations now are to run the other woman around and to keep her company at their events.

Thank you for the suggestion that I join in with their weekly activity. He's specifically said he doesn't want me there. Before he took up with the other woman, he's said if I'm there, he'd feel obliged to be with me but if I'm not, he can socialise with anyone he fancies. How ironical that now that he's taking care of the other woman, he no longer socialises with anyone he fancies and feels obliged to be with her.

To get to the weekly meeting, he picks up the other woman from just down the road and drives for 45 minutes into town. They've made it clear there's no room in that car for me. Were I to go to their weekly get-together, I'd have to drive myself into town in my car. He walks her through the darkened streets to the venue. He said it's dangerous for a woman to be walking through the streets in that area alone at night.

They'd be going in together and sitting with a crowd that's now familiar to them. I'd be walking into the hall alone and finding somewhere to sit in a crowd of people none of whom I know. I would be laying myself open to being mocked, alone and knowing no-one in a crowd of people who all knew each other.

That would be a very awkward situation to put myself into. No, I don't think he'd leave the side of the other woman -I think he'd stay with her while his wife was there on her own and alone.

I have said to him that I'd like to go along to their weekly activity but he's made it clear he definitely doesn't want me there. He promised the sister of the other woman that he'd take care of her and he feels an obligation to the sister to do just that. He feels under no obligation to me.

As he clearly wants to be the rescuer, taking care of the other woman, going to her house to do her repairs, running her around, sitting with her to make sure she's not left alone, dropping in for a coffee on the way home from doing the shopping while I'm out at work, the only thing I can think of to do is to distance myself from the two of them. I simply don't have enough money to be able to move out but I have distanced myself - a modified Plan B.

He's been so involved with his hobby (and the other woman) that he didn't notice anything about me. Interestingly enough, since I've quietly gone about my own business, leaving him all the time and space in the world to be with the other woman, he's actually started taking an interest in my life. It's been most refreshing to have him ask about my friends, relatives, day at work, hobby and so on.

When he takes out the other woman to their monthly get-together, he walks her through the darkened streets from the car park. Rather than be left at home, bored and alone, I've taken to taking myself out. This has meant walking myself through the darkened streets at night.

A news item on tv about a woman who was attacked prompted a comment from him about how dangerous it is for women to be walking down darkened streets alone. I replied that the last time I walked alone (through the carpark to the venue), one of the ladies of the night approached me and we had a chat. He has NO idea at all of what it's been like for me. I have tried to communicate with him but his mind has been totally consumed by his hobby / activity and her.

I was stunned when he said I should let him know where I was going because if something happened to me, he wouldn't have any idea where to start looking. There's still a little bit of caring there, a little bit.

If you have done any reading on this web site you can see that Plan A has worked for many on here.

And the 15 hours a week of quality time is important.

You should read, read, read, if you want to save your marriage.

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE

All the best for the festive season.
I hope you all have a great time on Xmas Day.

Speaking of the festive season and fifteen hours,
his last club activity for the year (and last trip to town with the other woman) was on the 15th of December so we've had 10 days during which time he hasn't been fussing over the other woman and we've seen each other much more than was usual before, not 15 hours a week but more than the 2 hours that was the norm when I was still at work. Things have definitely warmed between us.

After reading the replies to my original post and reading, reading, reading on this site, I have broken the habit that has been established around here, a habit of NOT talking honestly.

It may seem small and insignificant to you, reading about it, but it was a major step for me..........

You see, he admits he's a control freak. Everything, and I do mean everything, HAS to go his way.

A year ago, he & I paid half each towards the cost of a new television that he has INSISTED that it be tuned, every night of the week, to TV1 for the news at 6pm. I prefer to watch the news at 6pm on TV3 but I have seen it only once in the past year so when it came time to turn on the television a couple of days ago, I explained to him how resentful I felt that I paid 50% of the cost of the television but had watched the news of my choice 0.3% of the time. To his credit, he heard how I felt and turned the television to channel 3.

5 days ago, I bought a TV Guide & highlighted the programs I wanted to watch (3 of them in a week). One of them clashed with Country Calendar which he watches every night without fail after the news on TV1. Where previously he would have shouted me down and watched his choice of program, after I explained how resentful I've been feeling about being dictated to, he most obligingly agreed that it was my turn to watch what I wanted to. As it happened, the program was about the evolution of dogs and he said later that he thoroughly enjoyed it.

I don't care that much about watching television so for the past year when he's dictated what will be on the television, rather than make waves, I've just left the room and done my own thing elsewhere = even less time spent together.

By speaking honestly about my feelings (communication), I got to watch 3 programs that I wanted to watch AND he and I got to sit together on the sofa for 3 hours which isn't 15 hours of quality time in a week but it's a start.

His weekly activity - he and I used to do the same activity together but he dictated when, where and how it would be done once too often so I stopped going and it's evolved that he's now trotting around this other woman.

As with the television, I am working up to telling him how I feel about the whole situation with that activity, the other woman and so on. Here's hoping he hears me and acts as he did with the choice of tv channel.

MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

robyn, That's a great start. Best wishes for a joyous Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Thank you.

Tonight we both watched a program on sheep dog trialing. I'm from here so I'd seen it many times before. He wasn't in this country when it was screened weekly all those years ago for all those years. It was on 2 at the same time as the news was on 1. He missed the news and instead, watched and enjoyed the suspense, drama and excitement of huntaways herding a mob of sheep into a pen (it really is exciting, believe me)and afterwards, we took our dogs out for a long-ish walk round the local area.

:happynewyear: Happy New Year everyone.