I'm new here, I'm extremely frustrated, and I'll try to keep this as short as I can...

H and I are married for 5 yrs, the past 3 yrs have not been the best due to some financial issues that we are just now coming out of. However, things started to get better this past summer...

Then his brother decided to come live with us, he didn't ask, he just called and said he bought his plane ticket and this was the day he was coming. It was ok, at the time we had an extra room and he agreed to pay for his share of bills, food, etc.

Then his friend decided to do the same thing. We had to move to an apartment we could not afford, so we were depending on these 2 to pay their shares... the friend did, the brother tried but couldn't make it, and didn't tell us until 2 days before rent was due!

After 3 months his friend moved on (with only giving us 1 weeks notice), brother stayed, and we decided to move back to where we were before. Now a 2nd friend has come, with out $$$, H paid his plane ticket to come here, and is now putting pressure on me to find a house for all 4 of us to rent and to come up with the $$$ to pay for it...

I tried telling him its too much pressure for me (H and I also work from home, the other 2 do nothing at all), but he doesn't listen. He spends 95% of his time with the guys and gets an attitude if I knock on the door for anything. He doesn't talk to me at all, he shows no affection at all except for when I can get close enough to give him a peck on the cheek (however this was an issue before along with our debt), and my sf need has not been met in months (again, an issue from long, long ago). I have given up even asking for my sf need to be met, I can't stand being turned down over and over again for months. When and if something happens, it's always focused on him (excuse me for being graphic, but he only wants a bj or back door, so I am not touched in any way, shape, or form that would be pleasureable to me), when he's done he rolls over, promises to pay attention to me "later" and then falls asleep. Later never comes. Now I'm sure I've become resentful, I'm ignored until he gets what he wants, and then ignored again...

I'm so tired of this, what can I do???

Welcome to MB. You took a vow to love your H, to see things through good and bad and work on your relationship. As I read what you are writing, my ultra sensitiveness senses a voice or right of entitlement about me, me, me. Careful, because sadly that attitude can land you in an affair and who knows what else.

A marriage is something that you work through especially during the hard times, like what you are experiencing. Have you heard about the books, His Needs/Her Needs, or Falling in Love? I would recommend you read everything you can on this site and keep asking questions and staying in touch. I really feel like you are in trouble in your thinking and need to be woken up that M are HARD.... This is new territory for me, so I am hoping someone with a bit more knowledge steps in and let you know what else you can do.

If you want your M, and I hope you do then learn about the MB principles and start implementing them in your life.

I do understand that a M is hard, and that it takes a lot of work, on both sides. But that's just the point... I do try extremely hard to please him, and I have done this non-stop through all of the bad times as well as the good. I think I have the me, me, me attitude because once things went downhill, I would keep trying and he completely stopped.

I know that this will sound like I think I do 100% of everything and that's not what I think, he does contribute probably 75-80% in the financial department but that's it. I do work and bring in some income (maybe 25%), I always drop what I'm doing to listen to him (that is when he decides he feels he needs to talk), 100% of the cooking, 95% of the cleaning (he does take the trash out), I go out of my way to say nice things to him, or to be try to be affectionate with him, I never ever tell him no when he wants something (sf) and all I'm getting back are complaints and more requests and nothing at all back.

For example, 5 min ago, he came in the room and said "bye, we're going to the movies" and walked out the door. He has gone out with "the guys" at least 2 - 3 times a week. The last time I went out with him was in Oct and the reason we went out was to go buy carry-out and to bring it back to the house for everyone. We don't even eat in the same room anymore. The last time we went out, just me and him, to actually do something for us would have been his b-day in 2007.

I have been reading a lot, and am trying to research as much as I can. But I just don't get it, I thought this was a 2-way street. And after trying and trying to talk about it, and being rejected every time, it gets sooooo frustrating...

I was reading your post and wondering about your husband and these "guy friends," then when I got to the last paragraph......yeah.

Is your husband bisexual?

Why did he pay for this other "friend's" plane ticket?

Does he just lock himself in a room with these guys or what? You said he gets made if you knock on the door.

Charlotte

It IS a 2-way street when it's working. BOTH are giving 110%, but when one isn't... then you have choices to make.

1. Do you want your M.
2. Are you willing to learn new ways to live and find solutions that ONLY YOU can take care of and leave the results to G-d.
3. Turn your H over to G-d and ask him for help.

You can't make your H do or not do anything. You can learn boundaries and healthy ways of dealing with things for yourself.

Are you willing to do that?

Well, I don't think that he is bi... I did some snooping and found tons of pics in an email from the friend living with us now of 3 women, taking very very revealing pictures of themselves. These were not professional pictures at all, in 1 the woman was in front of a mirror holding up a camera...

I also found an email to a female friend asking when they were going to go out, she responded that she'd like to go snowboarding some time with him, he didn't respond back yet. But now there is no way in heck I'm letting him go snowboarding at all...

Also, we are the type of people that if we have it, we give it ($$$ wise). So I understand that his friend didn't have the $$$ to pay for his ticket, so my H did. But he did without asking me and without making sure that it was ok with me too... know what i mean?

And pretty much yes, he does spend the majority of his day in 1 room with these guys (friend and brother). The door isn't locked, but I always knock just out of respect. And when I do knock, I'm greeted with an attitude...

I do want my M and I am willing to learn new ways to live and find solutions that I can take care of. The issue is it feel like I've tried EVERYTHING! I've run out of ideas...

And to me it just doesn't make sense, he used to be everything I could have asked for and then some about 3 years ago, so I know that he can do that again... It's just that for some reason he doesn't want to...

It just sounds fishy to me, especially with the exclusive backdoor sex & bj's.

Was it always this way?

He left tonight to go to a movie?

Maybe you should hire a PI and have him followed to make sure he's not going to one of those clubs where males hook-up.

Charlotte

It actually wasn't always like this, I can remember when I was rarely left unsatisfied. I asked him why he likes the back door so much more and he response was "it's impossible to get you pregnant that way" i reminded him that i use b/c and he just said it's safer... At one point I asked him why he stopped touching me, he said that I should take his hand and put it on myself, I did (not during the conversation), and he pulled his hand away... I asked why he refuses to kiss me, he said it makes him too hot... But the thing is that he used to like doing all of these things...

I would agree with Charlotte. Does he say anything that is similar or indicative of a wayward spouse?

You know the speech or the actions?

Hey Charlotte, glad to see you here! I thought the same thing... b/j, back door, buying plane tix, male roomies who he spends time with behind closed doors, mad if she intrudes...

Anyhoo, I was thinking she needs to snoop, whaddaya think?

There's plenty of hetro porn with bj's and anal sex in this world. It doesn't make him gay or bi.

Can you put a key logger on the computer? Unless he's a IT person, it should be fairly hidden. That should let you know what's going on.

Anything big happen when your husband started to withdraw from you?

Yes, it isn't just that I suspected gay/bi. She also found emails from women/with nude pics or something. IMHO one way or another he's being less than faithful.

Some folks have installed voice activated recorders in their cars, in addition to computer snooping. Also, check cell phone records, call him while he's out and listen to background sounds; you could also drive by where he says he will be.

Umm to be honest I don't really know what a wayward spouse would say...

Thanks, jayne, right back atcha!!

Yes. She can't continue to live this way. She's not going to get answers from him so snooping is the only way to get them and then use the information to make an informed decision on how to proceed.

Yep, it's probably not as common these days but there ARE still men out there who get married so that they look "normal" to the rest of the world.

Charlotte

There are posts I think that describe what we call "fog babble" but some examples that come to mind are:

the most famous: ILYBINILWY ("I love you but I'm not in love with you.")
I deserve to be happy / we deserve to be happy.
I never loved you.

Thanks, Queenie. Yeah, he sure does seem to have a lot of entitlement from what s8 has shared so far.

Charlotte

Actually all of the pictures that I've found have only had girls or girl on girl scenarios...

I'm sure that he would find the key logger, he does work on computers... However I did set up our cell phones to send me detailed billing, so I can see every number (incoming and outgoing) from his phone. And I set his messenger to save all conversations.

The only big thing that happened is that we practically drowned in debt. We filed bankruptcy and are now heading back uphill in a financial sense, but that time was very stressful for us both.

Sure there is but it wasn't just that which prompted the "hmmmm." I was already headed in that direction before I even got to that paragraph.

Charlotte