in a dark plan B and hating it. Wishing my strength were stronger.

we are working on a blended marriage, i have my 2 kids, he has his 3. All was well until the exwife started to demand I was to no where around the children? After they spent overnights at my home. I have nothing but been a good as gold to them as I have my own. My children will always be first in my life, or our children, should we blend lives.

he has stepped up to say he is not sure how to handle this, he does not want to hurt the children. He goes to the M home many times, I have said jest about it, but he says mainly to "pick up the kids."

I am fooling myself, yes? There is not a blend here. My kids adore him, have spent much time with him. His kids are at ease with my kids, one set is older than the other, yet..there is a missing link.

Not enough time from seperation to divorce (the papers are not done) and if so...why try to get so close to MY kids?? It is just as much heartbreak as his

I am uterally confused and hate being in the spot I am. I DO love him with all my heart..but wth?

Hi Suddenly, welcome to MB

I am sorry but I don't quite understand. Why are you in plan B? Is there infidelity or is it just relating to the XW's demands?

Does his ex-wife blame you for breaking up their marriage? Were you the "other woman" in their marriage?

The papers are not yet done for his divorce from his previous W, or for you two getting a divorce? You say your kids come first, or his and yours, "if you blend"... are you blended now or not? If you are already married, how can XW demand the kids not be around you? Were they still married when you and he met?

Sorry for the barrage of questions, I'm confused too.

I am so sorry, getting through all the turmoil is a bit much

Lemme see how to get this right.

to me, as I knew it, he was divorced.

as I latter discovered, that was not the case, seperation, but no divorce. Needless to say I have been devasted since. What a damn life. I feel I have ruined so very much without knowing I did so. My kids have lost so much, perhaps and others outside of us has lost more or as much. I will never take away the loss to my children because they love him more than he would ever know.

I will not fully carry this burden as I did not know from the beginning and when I did find out, well my heart was gone. but not so much to let go if I so needed to. And I have. I let go, walked away. Since then there has been thier own turmoil, which I will not be a party to. I do not want to be involved in anything other than myself and my kids now.

I closed the door to whatever is going on. I feel for my children and his because we began to unite as a blended family, only for it to be wrong.

I do not want pity, or reprecussions. I have been reading here a long time. It has taken me months to say "ok, enough is enough" I am sure you have all been there. I don't feel like the OW but looking back I maybe was. What does that say for MY kids? what a crock. No the heart can't read...it does not know boundaries or vows...the heart knows who it loves. None of us deserved this so all I can do is go to a Plan B in the darkest way and hope he will realizes who he is, as a man.

You can shoot me down all you please, but realize, I am doing for me, to give me strength, as you would do for you. I have realized my wrong doings, I have have praided to God to forgive me, I have begged my family for forgiveness that they may never give. And I have given my sorrow to the families I may have destroyed over lack of knowledge.

I am a good person, I always have been, and I suffer through all this. Do I love him? yes I do, that is why I had to "go away" from him. Will I get in the middle of his family and the love for them? never- I will stay dark forever

is any of this too much to realize?


right or wrong I will go to to my grave with that.

So when you met him you believed he was divorced but found out that he was seperated (recently?)
For whatever reason the W does not want the children around you, even tho she was ok with it in the past.

You have chosen to remove yourself from him and your children as you have discovered he is not as free as you had been led to believe, for good reason as there is still some strong ties between him and his W.

You are not married to him, he is not free to marry you. The children will be/are hurt by the results of his lies.

My advice, take it or leave it....

Stay in your PB, work on yourself, forget about him, he isnt worth the drama.

thanks for the insight lil d

I have followed your story from the get go.

I hope your survive it all, I hope we all do.

I was stupid, but love is the same, no matter how you look at it.

period.

I live for my children, I AM blessed

and so are you

Ack! You must have been having some significantly dull days.


Yes you were stupid, well at least not as careful and observant as you could ahve been. But now you can learn from that. It is only when we refuse to learn from our mistakes that we repeat them.
I disagree that love is the same.
I think people need to do more thinking and less feeling regarding their love interests but thats cynical old me.

BTW, my mother 'lives for her children'. You can tell us, we are the ones who look harried and run away from her at every opportunity.

Take care

I think people need to do more thinking and less feeling regarding their love interests but thats cynical old me.


why is that lil? does your feelings not matter? Could you stay with a man youi had not slept in or been with physical for 3 years and say the same? Would you not want more for yourself?

Believe me I am NOT taking away from you, nor anyone here. I am learning the hard way how to protect myself and my children from a destructive path I may have followed but chose not to.


But I can never take away the fact, nor do I think you should or anyone else, if there is love felt for another, true love, no matter the circimstances, the recovery, the loss, that "love" is there forever. And THAT is what we have to learn to accept.

I could be wrong- mamy will tell me so, but they will have to admit. They could/can recover without admitting that "other love" is real.

Took me a long time to see it. Took me even longer to accept it. But it is real. I promise.I have accepted what is mine. And before I get ripped to shreds and my holidays with my children( they are God's gift that most can never realize) is made worse...


Happy Holidays with all my heart
I have walked both sides I guess
My forgiveness is beyond me now
S.[color:#FF0000] [/color]

I am going back to reading- happy 2009

I am sorry, let me say that on the for-front.

oh lord I have read, I have read so many stories. Queens B's, Ace's. Melodany lane's, Mark's....jeez I could go on forever. You rally around such members I am in such awe.

But here I sit, perhaps the OW, the one everyone wants to hate!

Where do my feelings fit in? where does what matters to MY children and our lives matter?

why is it my hurt should be lessened because I knew any differnt. Why is my ambitous nature less than anyone elses?

I now am suffering, my life, my kids' lives, their lives and their kids lives.

I want to hang myself for what I did not know or realize. But then there is those two beautiful kids.

who is a mother that is not a mother?

Hang in there. Keep posting.

Some will want to hate you. Some won't. Some will give you 2x4's over the head. Some will give you hugs. And everything in between. Hopefully there is help in one way or another.

I don't hate you. I had to ask because otherwise it just didn't make sense, but I don't hate you.

I agree with your decision to go into PB mode. Do you need help with that? Do you need help with protecting your kids from the fallout?

Sorry, I'm going to sleep now but maybe someone else will stop by. And there's always tomorrow. Right?

Suddenly,

If you have been reading around here for a while, I assume that you have read the Basic Concepts...

Working from that assumption, I want to touch on the concept of thinking versus feeling. Assuming that Dr Harley is right, and my own experience seems to point to that being the case, the feeling of love is not something that just happens but is rather a response to actions that take place. When someone does for us the right things in the right way, we fall in love with that person. When there is a physical attraction as well, we often act on that feeling and try to build a relationship with the person.

The problem is that for many, if not most of us, the feeling becomes something we desire so strongly that we can act irrationally instead of doing what we know is right. We want the feeling so badly that we are willing to do anything in order to get it. We are in fact, addicted to that feeling.

Many often assume that we are obsessed with the person, but in reality it is the feeling they seem to give us that we are obsessed with. The issue here is whether or not a relationship should be built entirely around those feelings or if some other component must be involved for it to be a viable marriage in the long run.

Some things for you to look at in your current situation:

1) This man you love so much was not and is not yet divorced. While this might seem to be merely a formality to you, to his soon to be ex-wife, it might not be so apparent. In fact, the fact that she has said she does not want you around her children sounds very much like the advice that many of us around here would give to someone who is trying to save her marriage. She might in fact be someone on these very forums, perhaps reading this thread right now.

2) This man you so wish to be with has shown himself to be unreliable when it comes to telling the truth. You have already admitted that you thought he was already divorced probably based on what he told you. That was not true. My guess is that he was also lying to his still wife at the time he began pursuing you since telling her he had a new girl friend might not sit very well with the mother of your children.

3) This man you so cherish is probably a serial cheater. I base this conclusion on the fact that he claims to have been headed for divorce and says that you are not the cause. That suggests to me that you are not his first girlfriend while married and that his marital troubles were likely because of his adultery from before he met you. And if you have read here enough you already know the cliche that "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it too you." Cheaters who do not understand what causes them to cheat or refuse to address those causes are statistically much more likely to cheat again in the future. You can convince yourself that you will be different because this is REAL love, but consider what Dr Harley says real love feelings are.

4) The fact that his wife is having him over to the marital home and demanding that her kids not be around you suggests that she is not done with him yet and may still desire to save her marriage. Since he is still actually married to her, anything you do to interfere makes you the interloper and not her. His real relationship is with her and not you. As much as you want what he has with you to be real and true, it is in fact merely a mistake at best and a calculated foray into adultery at worst.

5) Even if his current marriage ends in divorce and even if it is because his wife wants to end it rather than him cheating with you being the real trigger (which is probably a pretty strong influence right now) the fact that he will be so close on the heels of a failed relationship would make me a little shy about getting involved until he personally had a chance to heal and get his own stuff together.

6) 50% of all 1st marriages fail. Well over 3/4 of second marriages fail. For third timers the numbers are downright scary and by number 4, you might as well get a dog because the dog will outlive any marriage that might come about. Marriages based on affairs are really poor in their ability to last because the selfishness that makes an affair possible makes having a marriage almost impossible. Statistically, you stand about as much chance of making this work with this guy right now as I do of going swimming today. (The wind chill is about minus 20 right now)

I hope you will stay and learn.
I hope you will have a long and happy relationship some day.
I hope you will get as far away from this man as you can and never look back.

He is a lying, cheating manipulator who is trying to cake eat right now and figure out how to keep you in his life without losing his wife and children. For you, it isn't about sex. For him, that's all there is...Trust me on this.

I wish you well, but I would be very careful seeking help from MB to end a marriage and begin a new one based on what is in reality adultery.

This man lied to you. Selling himself as divorced when he is still married.

Why do you want a relationship with a man that will lie just to get a girl to go out with him?

Liars do not make good role models. Why do you want this poor role model around your kids?

Another example of one does not date married people or people do not date until their divorce is final.

I don't know how long you dated this WH until you introduced him to your kids. Another example of one does not date in front of their kids until a year to see if there are any red flags, and if this date has shown that he wants to stick around long term.

You need to ditch this loser. Why?

For starters you know that he has lied to you. He most likely has lied to his BW, most likely has cheated on her. And, he will probably pull the same crap on you.

You need to question more about a guy's back ground before you go out with him. Then wait the test of time to introduce him to your kids.

Just spent an hour replying to you, Suddenly and my post went "poof". Sorry, no time now to recreate it but I will try again on a Word doc possibly later today.

If you read my entire story, you'll see that I am one of the strange ones who did NOT hate OW.....in fact I hope she's recovered her M both for her/OWH (and so she continues to forget about the plans she made with my H).

Please stick around to recover yourself, Suddenly as I and others are willing to help you if you're truly remorseful for your erroneous choices.

In the meantime, I'm praying for you.

Ace

P.S. Feel free to email me (address near the end of my Saga linked to my sig line).

Questions, questions, questions…

*How old are the kids?

*What happened to your husband, the father of your children?

*How long did this new man court you?

*How did you meet him, was he separated at that time, if yes for how long?

*How long was your affair with him intimate?

*When the last time you spoke to him and what was said?

*Are there conditions by which you will see him again, i.e. after he divorces?

*Does this man currently live with his wife; does he EVER spend the night with his wife?

Mark’s post to you was on the mark (no pun intended). Bullet 3 is of particular concern because if Mark’s hypothesis is correct then this is no man to make a life with. Marriages fail for many reasons but most often infidelity is the culprit. Let him play out his endgame with his current wife without influence from you.

My hope is that he rejoins his current wife and saves his marriage and family. That is the noble thing to hope for. It is so unfortunate that you and your family have become involved in this torrid love triangle. You are certainly not the first. Yet, I commend you for your high road that excludes this married man and his children. It is sad to know that you have developed a “love” attachment to him under false pretences. I assure you that with time it will pass, so long as you maintain “no contact”. Don’t make the worst mistake of your life and become the “other woman”, don’t do it.

Should he divorce his wife he will still need many moths to process all that has happened. If you re-involve yourself with him too soon then disaster is likely to follow.

Mr. G

suddenly, are you married to this man?

Looks to me like you put the cart before the horse. Hope you will continue reading here so that you and your kids will have a happy life WITHOUT the married man. He is a liar and a cheater, and can't love your kids, because he has shown no regard for their feelings. Heck, he doesn't even love his own kids.

In the future, don't introduce any men to your children until you are thinking seriously about marriage. And be sure that the man doesn't have a wife.

oh believe me, I am in no way trying to destroy a marriage to make a new one. I would never, that is why I have walked away since the revelation.

I divorced my husband for that reason, that's how I came about this site. I was in turmoil with myself of dealing with it still, so I looked for answers as to why I still felt like I did.

posting finally was scary to me, but I feel better just getting it out of my system, so thank you all

my kids and I are heading on to bigger and better, together

suddenly, are you married to this man?

It's my understanding that she is not. I think she just recently found out he was still married (as in, his divorce wasn't final) and she went into "Plan B". Ok this is just me guessing, but I think her "PB" is to extricate herself and her kids from the tangled mess.

Suddenly, is this right? Are you now in absolutely no contact? Is that what you mean by PB? You know, you may want to write a No Contact letter. That's different from a PB Letter but it probably is more appropriate here.