Today I was cleaning the shed.. well one of them .. out to get out our Christmas lights and the old tree and stockings. I came across my little boys stocking .. my dead sons stocking. Little Peter.

And the memories came flooding back. Oh God it still hurts. And pinned in it is a little loyalty pin... the regimental pin his dad had given him so long ago it seems. Loyalty. I remember.

What do you mean, 'Pack for a trip? We're going to go somewhere?" I asked my new H. "no" he said "just me."

We'd just returned from our honeymoon when it began: the tug-of-war over my loyalties between wife and the Army.

Over the next 18 months, he'd driven the eight-hour round trip every weekend in order to learn and push himself to join the SAS. It was a demanding schedule--but one my H, the Army and his direct boss, expected. And he'd always complied.

Now that I was married, my H expected me to get with the drill, while all I wanted was to enjoy our first weekends together as a couple, setting up house, and delighting in the newness of it all. It was our first fight, and I lost.

As we neared each weekend, I'd withdraw and quietly endure his absence. Instead of opening a place for me in our new 'family', he had defaulted to his shared history with Army mates, often leaving me out of conversations in our own home.

One evening during dinner at our house, I spoke up to be part of the discussion and asked his Sgt a question. He answered--to my H! As if I wasn't there. After all I was only 'the little woman'.

The evaluation testing lasted weeks... all of that time he was on the other side of the country. After graduation he was "promoted" to a full-time position on the Regiments staff. As his commitments grew and the Army demanded more of his time, I began to see the Army as my enemy and the cause of our growing separateness. The gulf between us hardened into predictable patterns of isolation. A polite hug. A few pleasantries. And then a quick dismissal.
It wasn't done for a wife to question the Army.

Tug-of-War

We moved . Often. Until we finally ended up in our home town.. the Regiments home. A number of years into our marriage, my H pulled a doozy. He volunteered for a 'overseas operation'! While he was excited, I was having "issues" with the whole thing.

"Hi, honey," he beamed as he walked into the kitchen. JJ and Liz, my four- and three-year-olds... boy & a girl ... made a mad rush for his kneecaps. Meanwhile, I was juggling our two-month-old boy, Peter, on one hip while I stirred the bubbling pasta sauce. Believe me when I tell you that if we didn't shop on the base we couldn't afford it. Those days the money was poor for a military family.

I forced a weary smile..... been doing that a lot lately "Hi. Can you hand me the colander?"

It was two baths and a nursing later that evening before he broached the topic of his intended trip. Fire flashed in my eyes I swear "Are you crazy? You're going to leave me for F*** knows how long with three small children while you gallivant across the world? I don't think so."

But he wouldn't budge this time. HAH!! name me the time he ever did!! And I dreaded this seemingly continuous tug of war over his duty to his family and his duty to the Army. I told him 'it's too long for me to deal with the kids alone."

With a surprised, hard look on his face, he pressed me to reconsider, "If you were being a strong and supportive partner, you would recognize how this business requires personal sacrifice!" When I replied to say I was his wife not a troop leader and that I had sacrificed a lot it went down like a lead balloon.

Knowing he wouldn't back down, I decided to hold the line as the supportive wife. I loved the bloody SOB you know. Still do for that matter. While I'd finally caved, there was no tangible victory for my marriage. And the tension between us grew as I seethed inwardly toward him for making me take sides in the Marriage Vs Army tug. Well he did go do whatever they did and he got back safe & sound if not a bit quieter and remote. After 9-11 the deployments seemed to meld one into the other it was just the icing on the cake.

Ten years into our marriage, the conflict came to a head. Peter was ill and my H was deployed and 'out of contact'. Then... my beautiful wonderful little boy died. And so did our family for a while. I did go right off the rails... inconsolable... broken in so many ways. When Aussie finally was brought back it was too late to help me or Peter. Too little too late was my thought.

That night we had a no-holds-barred fight.

"You weren't there for me... for Peter" I screamed. "Just like every other time I need you."

I didn't give him a chance... I was gunning for him.

"You're never there. You're not on my side. And it makes me feel completely alone. I feel as if I'm a single mum! ! Why do you always choose the F***ing Army over me? YOU KILLED OUR SON."

He was, stunned. The weight of that attack slowly overwhelmed him with a mixture of horror and unfounded guilt. He didn't really deserve that.

We both grew quiet as we let my words hang in the air. Right then and for some months I hated him more than life itself. I started to make bad.. very bad choices. He was sent back can you believe it? Couldn't even let him grieve properly for our son... or to help me... though to be honest I wouldn't have let him. While he was gone I had the affair... I wanted him to know about it at the time.. I wanted him to hurt as I was hurt.

The final act I had planned was to end all my pain and join my little boy. I had it all planned the pills and everything. Didn't think of anyone but me.. not my other kids... not anyone. And then my daughter and my sister ... a doctor... went and spoiled the whole thing ... well its what I thought then .... I told you I was a not a full quid back then ... so I got to spend 10 days in the crazy bin. because in some ways I was.

And of course the affair and associated behaviours came spewing out into the wide open world. Oh joy.

My daughter the poor dear was so so very angry and said I was a sl*t . I guess I was. My son was angry and then sad. And then of course I was told Aussie was hurt. God it seems has a way of teaching you a lesson when you need one. I got it.

To cut a long story short the rest of it was a lot of time with MB.... reluctant confessions to Aussie...and counsellors and doctors for a while as I fought to save my family.. myself .... I didn't deserve to you know.. I think I was a sh*t wife for those pre affair years. Well for some of the last anyway.

It took time and work and more love than I thought people could ever give ... but we are together still.. all of us. We are and were blessed with a new baby.. another boy ... he was conceived the night before my H was sent back to that hellhole in Afghanistan. Yes he is Army.. always will be.. I have accepted it with pride and humility that he choose to share his life with me again ..even after all l did.
But the big difference is this .... from that point, it felt as though we were starting our marriage afresh. We began to dream together, to laugh, to be honest, and to grow together intimately and spiritually. We became friends all over again. Don't ever discount the power of friendship in a marriage between man and wife. And no NOT other men or women... just us.

We spend more time in listening than in planning and doing. Intimacy is our priority. And at the heart of it all ... an unshakable pursuit of becoming "one flesh." Neither of us will make a decision until we reach agreement. We have finally become a true team.

We still have bumps in the road. At times I catch myself drifting toward old patterns with my Aussie, but the corrections are easier. But because we're together, it's not so bad any more.
After deployments he drinks too much .... he is restless dislikes being indoors for too long ... I'd like to accidentally break his leg so he can't go back ... I would like him to have God in his life but he thinks God doesn't comes to the places he goes. And sometimes I very afraid.

I'm not sure my relationship with my H will ever be what it was before; in truth, I'm determined that it won't be. Instead, he and I will more than just better together.

In the meantime, he now knows my loyalty belongs securely to him, TOTALLY and that's like a comforting, warm blanket over us both.

Yes divided loyalties are hard to manage.. hard to work with .... people have asked me whether he can get out of going on this mission or that .......particularly because he already has been there a number of times.

But now I for one never even suggests he try to avoid going, oh don't think I don't want to or that I don't feel that way because I do. I want him home and SAFE in my arms. I will not undermine his commitment to his mates .... our nation... and yes to the both of us. Man it SUCKS big time.

"My wife has never asked me that," he said to my dad one day. "I didn't sign on to be the bloke that runs."

And he won't. Neither shall I.

So remember to look at your divided loyalties .... discuss and set the boundaries you have with your work... your friends.. even your family members. Your wife or husband and the family you created need to know you can be counted on. Did my H fail in that? yes but not totally his fault in the middle of a war .... did it give me an excuse to cheat .. NO BLOODY WAY.

Today is special .... my oldest son... Lt in the Para's arrived back from Afghanistan. My God he's grown so tall. His financee hasn't let go of him all day. I am so proud ... so RELIEVED..I looked across the room at my daughter with her new husband.... another trooper in her dads Regiment ... we smiled at each other as I hung up Peters sock on the tree .. the first time since his death ... Divided loyalties ... she knows the pitfalls and she will need to make her own choices ... hopefully learning from my mistakes.

Then Mikey came running in on those little stubby legs of his yelling "Mummy mummy looks what He gives me" pointing at his big brother ... he was wearing the Paras maroon beret ...the little soldier .... GROAN .. not another one ......... I'm getting too old for this.

All I can say is know your own Divided loyalties ... and know your priorities

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

Ditto. As a former military spouse, I've been there.

tl

Bravo...

Bravo...

You deserve a medal AW....

Most military wifes do.

Wonderful story in this season of hope. Blessings to you and your family.

I am humbled by your resolve and bravery.

bravo, Bravo, BRAVO

Mr. G

WOW!

AW - I learned a lot about you. Thanks!

You know, I have respected you for years. You are a wonderful woman. I wish I could make your life easier. I wish we could break on of those legs and bring Aussie home for good.

Thanks for sharing AW.

AW and Aussie

From when I was 4 dad was in the RAAF and spent many weeks and months away from home. It was always mum and the 3 of us. She used to shift furniture and clean to keep busy. Only now looking back do we realise the sacrifices she made each day for our family, but also for her marriage.

They've been married 34 years and are going to USA next year for a Goldwing convention. They ride on the bike together everyday to work and go out most weekends with a group.

Mum spent the first 25 years of the marriage as a single mum while dad was married to the RAAF.

You're an amazing woman and you should never underestimate the respect and love that your children have for you and your dedication to your family.

Wishing you God's richest blessings this Christmas. Thank you for reminding me how special my mum is!!!

AW - you have too many soldiers in your life! Thanks for sharing your amazing journey.

AW,

What a wonderful story and very powerful. Just a litte aside. My father was career military. He was a bomber pilot, was at Peral Harbor on Dec. 7th and ended up in New Guinea. He met many Aussie's there. He also R&R'd in Australia.

As kids growing up he always talked about Australia and how he loved it. when I was older and in the military myself we were talking about "things" and he told me, "if you are ever in a fight and you need someone by your side, pick an Aussie. They are good, tough and honest." He had a very high respect for your troops.

God Bless,

JL

dernit AW.

I WAS having a good mascara day.

I am SO happy that you two are one...you both have been SUCH a blessing to our family.

(((AW/Aussie)))

I hope it was healing for you to write all that out. I am so blessed to call you friend.

to the Clan.

:MerryChristmas:

notable post

:MerryChristmas:

AW you are such a beautiful person. You and Aussie both. Merry Christmas to you and yours!

While I have a few moments of peace ... most of the Xmas shopping done.... beer.. wine... spirits still to get ... of course I then control what's in the house for the next 4 days ...

seafood except for oysters & crayfish .... like coking them with the ingredients & smells .. but ergggg hate the taste myself ... which suits Aussie & the rest down to the ground. Well whiting fillets are ok.

ham... duck and 6 chickens cooked... need to make salads .... its STINKING hot :RollieEyes:

but I'm resting right now.

So I want to thank you all for your kind words and yes it has been healing to write it out and to put Peters sock up again. There are so many beautiful memories and I was wrong to hide from them for so long.

Its so easy with 'life' going on around you to let other loyalties take bits of your Marriage... do it long enough and there are no more marriage bits to take .. you've lost it.

All pretty much MB stuff isn't it?

anyway back to the shops I go so if I can't get back before the hour strikes .. may you and yours all HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS .... the New Year WILL be so much better for all ... hope.. faith and prayer ... not a bad trifecta for the New years day races :MerryChristmas:

did I tell you all .. MY BOYS ARE HOME :happynewyear: