I've been married to my wife for two years. We've together for six. My wife about three days ago said she lost her love toward me. I asked her if she could tell me what was wrong. She said she is confused. I was at work when she gave me the news. I felt my world crumble down. I found my boss and told her. She recomended this site. I've read a lot and realized a lot of things. I talked to my wife about it and she kind of felt positive. But today she told me that there's this great guy she likes and she wants to see how it feels to be with another person. Apparently she has not dated, or cheated on me with him. She said she is just waiting for this guy to ask her out or something. I tried asking what it is that she feels this way but she says its just something she feels she has to do. She wants to know if she would come back to me. I dont know what to do. I'm very desperate. I dont want to loose her.

I can guess the cheating has already happened, you need to do some digging and find all you can.
Is this guy married?
do you know who he is?
get moving.

sad_soul,

Welcolm to the MB forums. this is a place that none of ever expected to be, and thusly, you as well.


Well, it's called gaslighting. Your WW would not have made the above statement if she had NOT ALREADY BEEN WITH HIM.

I'm sorry to say that, but she is a wayward, and if her lips are moving, she is lying to you.

No women declares a M dead and the hope of "finding herself" with another M usless she has already done the deed and crossed the line in your M.

Take a deep breath, it's ALREADY happened!

Stick around here and open your ears. Folks will tell you how to combat this, if that's what you want to do.

Spend some time in GQ portion of this site and learn to recognize the red flags flying everywhere.

I'll have more later, but stop being steamrolled by your WW's lying. She is already a WW.

All Blessings,
Jerry

ss, I am sorry you are here, friend. Like the others said, there is most likely an affair going on here. She is already in love with this man and is using her feelings for him as a point of comparison. It is pretty doubtful she would throw aside a marriage over a mere interest in another man. But she would throw aside a marriage over an affair.

This won't be easy to deal with, but the first thing that needs to happen is you have to find out the truth. And you won't get it from her. Snoop on her computer [keylogger], tap her phone, go online and look at her cell phone detail, hire a PI; do what you have to do to find out the truth.

Also, you will want to find out everything you can about the OM. Who is he? Is he married? What is his occupation? You need to know everything.

Once you find out the truth, come back here and we will help you use this information in the most effective manner to save your marriage.

------>VERY IMPORTANT!-----> In the meantime, tell her you do not want to be her "friend," but her husband and will not participate in any adultery schemes. [use the word ADULTERY every time - she needs to hear her fantasy spoken of as it really is: filthy adultery] Ask her how her family would feel about her committing adultery.

Also, you will want to get the book Surving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley so you can understand what you are dealing with. You can buy it cheap on this website.

So, in other words, she hasn't committed adultery yet, but fully intends to do so once OM is willing. Big frack'n difference.

It sounds like at least an emotional affair, which often lead into physical / sexual affairs given time.

With statements like she's lost her love for you, and that she is confused, she apparently has become infatuated, or is falling in love with this OM. If contact does not cease very, very soon between your wife and OM (if it isn't already too late), you will soon be in for, in the best case, at least 6 months of he11, if you're willing to save your marriage and can survive the course of her infatuation.

Galoot, have things changed for you recently as far as your wife's feelings for OM ? I have a long way to go but it is very difficult to live with someone who has not much feelings for you. I have not seen much so far except my xWW says she thinks about OM less now than she did several weeks ago. But feelings are still strong.

thanks.

This is something she feels she has to do?!?! Are you kiddin me! Destory your relationship and marriage? Sorry Bro! She probably aready has. I would get to snooping and find out as much as possible. E-mail exchanges, Phone records, voice recorders and all the OM information. As far as her wanting to still be friends (which is the most stupid statement in the universe!) Tell her you didn't get into a marriage to just become "friends"! :RollieEyes:

optin1,

Things are going very well between FWW and I. She says she doesn't have much of any feelings for OM, and we are rebuilding our love for each other. We've both taken stock of our EN and both consciously try to meet each others. In my FWW's case, the infatuation burned itself out. As in many infatuations, when the honeymoon was over, she and OM began seeing the faults in each other, and became less patient with the demands of the other. Shortly before, I had exposed the A to her 5 sisters, and together with the shame of that, she had enough of OM.

I'm not recommending allowing an affair to burn itself out (because you don't know if it will), but in my case, FWW admits had she maintained her original NC instead of continuing to sneak around my back, she probably would still miss OM, and wonder if she made the right choice.

(No, I am not advocating letting an A burn itself out, but that is the way it happened in my sitch).

Seeking answer to the thread title. Can separated/divorced (edit: with no chance of getting back together) people ever be friends with their ex-spouses, especially after such a traumatic event as adultery? What are the opinions of posters here? Thanks. Personally I don't think I can be.

Personally, I think they can come to a point of being cordial,,,but never friends. The reasons I say that is that the very foundation of being a friend is the same as a Marriage relationship, in that, it is built on trust.

How can you trust a liar and a cheat and call them a friend????

JMO, for what it's worth.

All blessings,
Jerry

Jerry,
That's a very good point...and relevant to my own situation.

Your wife has already cheated. women (especially) don't want to burn bridges. They will string you along. Where men, like bulls in a china shop will generally and callously blow the top off things. She will want to keep you around until she finds out if this guy will continue the relationship, after she gave it up to him. In these instances when she thinks shes in love with the other guy. She will not want to have sex with you, because she does not want to cheat on the new guy (doesn't that make you sick) this is the best list of dealing with a spouse in the fog I have found.


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

She said: She wants to see if she'll come back to you. Tell her "no thanks" You won't be hanging around to find out if it doesn't work, so she can come back to you, until she spreads her legs for some other guy.

This is the one outburst before you go complete No Contact with her. Separate bank accounts. And change the locks on the doors. You must do the 180 (the list) immediately. To have the most effect.

I want to see you succeed in this situation, however it turns out. These are steps that have proved successful time and again. If you want to change the outcome. Change what you are doing.