My husband had close to a dozen one night stands in the first 6 years of our marriage. He admitted to 1 when I was pregnant with our fourth child bc the ow was pregnant and wanted money. Since then, she lost custody of the boy (due to drugs) and we have now had him for 2 years as well as our 4 together. My husband has always been deceitful, but I try to give hime the benefit of the doubt. In the past 4 months, I have become suspicious of his co-worker (who also teaches a Sunday School class with him) I found several emails that indicated an inappropriate conversation but nothing else. They both apologized lots and swore nothing else was going on. I can't shake the feeling that they are emotionally if not physically involved. He denies everything (which he has always been good at) and says I am acting crazy for not liking this woman and not trusting them. I can't justify breaking up a family on a feeling, but I feel like I am losing my mind trying to figure out if he is cheating again or not. Apart from hiring a private detective (which I can't afford), I don't know what to do.

I suggest you click on Notify and ask a mod to move your post to General Questions II where you will get many more replies.

From experience, if I had a "gut" feeling something wasn't right, or my husband wasn't being honest, I was right on. I think that is God's way of "speaking" to us. The "gut-check." If your husband and this other woman are trying to make you feel guilty, they are probably the guilty ones. Get help through a counselor. I would ask him to let you see his cell phone to check his calls/text messages, emails. etc. If he has nothing to hide, he should be willing even if he is mad about it. He should understand since he has a history of being unfaithful. I would also ask him to find a replacement for the Sunday school class and if possible, change jobs or offices. He should be willing to do anything and everything possible to ease your mind, if in fact he is innocent. Bless you for taking in the OW's child.

Welcome to MB. He had a dozen one night stand's, an OC, has always been deceitful, and teaches Sunday school? I think I would talk to the minister of your church about your worries.

I am thinking the gut feeling is a warning sign as well. I have asked him to stop teaching, but so far he refuses (which also bothers me). I have made an appointment with a counselor, but there he is the only Christian one around here, so I have to wait until January to get in. I have toyed with talking to our pastor, but I know once I do that, everything will be out in the open. I don't want to wreck anyone's reputation (the other ss teacher) if I am off base here. I am just having a hard time waiting until I can talk to someone.

I would trust your gut feeling here. The best indication of future behavior is past/present behavior. I would say once they knew about the emails they took it further underground.

I think you need to let the pastor know so he can look out for his flock.

I'm sure you might think its unfair to the other SS teacher but you have your family to think about at home and the church.

Can you elaborate on the content of the emails?

the emails started with my h asking her what "other games" she liked to play. (by asking what other games makes it obvious that they had already talked about stuff) They then traded several emails about different sexual games (the content was more like 2 high school kids flirting than 2 people definitely involved which is why I want to believe them so much). The ow sent me a message as soon as she found out that I knew and was planning on going to the pastor for advice. She apologised for having an inappropriate conversation with him (she knows part of my h history, since we are raising his oc), and hoped it wouldn't become a bigger thing than it had to. She said she felt neglected by her husband lately (not sure why that justifies flirting with someone else's).

How many events of adultery and/or betrayal will it take to make you leave this man?

It's a genuine question.
Do you have a limit?

Is the current quality of your marriage good enough to keep you where you are, and remain married to this man for the rest of your life?

I don't want to break up the home for the kids if I don't have to. I tell myself, that if I find out for sure that he is involved, then I will be done. (I didn't know about his infidelities until they were all done. After I found out that he had got someone else pregnant, I moved back to my hometown to be near my family - we lived 45 mins away, but attended church in my hometown. We were separated for 3 months - my last trimester of pregnancy. He asked to come back right before the baby was born. He met with the pastor who felt my h remorse was genuine and that he had truly repented. My h then confessed all his other activities to me and said he was on drugs for all of those events. Since he has been back with me - almost 5 years now, i believe that he has been sober. I have never been suspicious about that aspect of things. He has become a more involved father than he ever was before all of this happened. I have always felt very lonely in our marriage, almost from the beginning. I believe he loves me, but he just can't be bothered to take the time to make me feel cherished. I'm last on his list of priorities at the best of times. We tried counselling when he first came back and then a few years later, but the counselor didn't really seem to know what to do with us and now my h says it is a waste of time and won't try it again.

I'm not suggesting your husband is an addict, but I also don't believe this is something to be swept under the rug once the behavior stops.

Has your husband dealt with why he decided to use drugs?

My husband is a recovering addict. Until he began recovery (which was after he had been sober for a while), I felt like you, lonely, like we were never on the same team. There was no intimacy in our marriage until my husband began to recover. After sobriety and recovery, my husband was finally able to get that he wasn't meeting my EN. Now, we are in love.

My husband is also a very involved father, as he's a SAHD.

Have you read Ears_Open's thread in the emotional needs section? It's long, but it might be very helpful.

define "involved" - and be specific

you need to define YOUR limit -

I am not sure if he is an addict, he has an addictive personality in that whatever he does, he always goes overboard. he is also very obsessed with sports, he plays hockey in winter, football in spring and fall and baseball and golf in summer. He does coach the kids in their sports now that they are old enough to play. He is the type who doesn't discuss things that are difficult to talk about for him (they just don't exist in his mind)so it is very hard to get him to discuss any of these things. He is very opposed to any sort of counselling, especially for him. (When he first came back to us, I really pushed for him to see a counsellor about his substance issues, but he swore he wasn't an addict and didn't need to see anyone. His family doesn't communicate at all with each other, so I can see where he gets it from.
I will read that thread you suggested. Thank-you

By involved, I mean if he is having a physical relationship with her. (If he is emotionally involved, i am not sure if I will stay or go) I have told him that I will not stick around to go through any more infidelity on his part. I am not known for having a backbone in my family, he is very aware of what a pushover I am, so he might not believe me. I have lost a great deal of respect for him, and his deceit and secrecy has really taken a toll on my feelings for him. If we were financially well-off, I don't know if I would have stayed this long. I don't want my issues to affect my children's well-being.

Does hand holding count?
Kissing?
Touching her body over clothes?

Be specific - for yourself and your own peace of mind - be specific!



So, if he says "I love you" but does not touch the woman, you are Ok with that?



Does he have a reason to believe you mean what you say?


If you were he, would you believe you?


Does he respect you?


Has there been a toll on your self respect?


Be honest. If you could afford to take off, would you?


Too late.

I mean if he is haveing sex with her, I won't even try to work things out. That will be it. If he is kissing her or even touching her body over her clothes, I don't think that I have enough in me to try to work things out. he spends more time feeling sorry for himself that I don't trust him than he spends earning my trust back. He thinks after 5 years of not doing anything (or anything that I know about) that I should trust him regardless.
If he says he loves her, I don't think I could work through that either. I don't think he is worth going through all of that again. Since taking in his child, I thought we would be more of a team (my family was opposed to it because they didn't think I could handle it and my h was very touched that I would stand by him). Since then, he has reverted back to his me-first philosophy. I don't know if he is really capable of putting anyone's needs ahead of his own. He is very self-absorbed.
No, he doesn't necessarily have a reason to believe that I will leave as I have never done a very good job of standing up for myself in any situation. It bothers him that I am a pushover to other people but he has no problem taking advantage of that to suit himself.
As for the kids, my concern is that their standard of living will decrease a lot if I leave. They are still young (the oldest is 9) and haven't really connected the dots that their little half-brother is the result of what their dad's poor behavior. They know he is the dad and I am not the mom. They know the ow did a bad thing by having a baby before she got married, but they haven't taken that thinking over to their dad.
Honestly, some days, I could leave very easily, and other days I feel like I should keep trying. The idea of leaving a legacy of divorce for 5 children makes me very sad. Mostly, I wish I hadn't taken him back 5 years ago, when the kids were younger and more unaware if what was going on.

What do you hope to get from posting on MB?

some input or something while I wait to see a counsellor. I don't know if my version of reality is out in left field. Maybe I am overreacting because of my husband's history and maybe I am trying to deny that there is something more serious going on so I don't have to make that decision.

I doubt you are overreacting

Maybe I want someone to tell me not to give up on him and to keep trying. I'm not sure.

MP,

""Maybe I want someone to tell me not to give up on him and to keep trying.""

I really don't think anyone here will give you that advice based on the the information you are giving us.

You relay to us a serial cheater with no respect for you or the marriage vows still reveling in being the player. (Sometimes this is how these low-lifes identify themselves, ya know, as a player, doing one night stands.)

Teaching Sunday school and emailing the co-teacher sexually slanted emails??!!???. (And those are the ones you saw.)

And then this co-teacher tells you how depressing HER marriage is?

Darlin' YOU are convincing US that you should give up on him!!

And I, for one, am agreeing with you.

IMHO

kirk

edited to correct my spelling