Hi - My wife and I are having monetary conflicts among other issues and I've lost so much perspective that I'm not sure if there is hope for the marriage or if its better to divorce. A (hopefully) brief history of our relationship:

We've been married for 7 years. 2 months after meeting, she was pregnant. We got married after our son was born. She already had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and I have one older son. She's always had what I consider a strange outlook on money -when we met she had a small part time job that only brought in $250 a month that she considered all her own, wheras the money I earned went to pay for everything. I didn't mind paying for everything since she was a stay-at-home mom. In our 3rd year of marriage her mother had cancer and lived with us until she died. During this time my wife couldn't handle the loss and became addicted to pain killers. She got off of them but relapsed after her mom died. I had to set up an intervention for her to get help. This was about a year and a half ago. Just prior to this time I started my own business and last year made the most I've ever had in my life (2-1/2 times my previous salary) We both spent more, bought a couple of cars, went on vacation etc. At the end of the year I couldn't figure out why we didn't have money in the bank, so I tracked finances really closely and just chalked it up to our increased spending. This year, my take home started dropping rapidly, and I kept telling my wife we needed to cut down, she refused to be on any kind of budget. She really wanted a nice camera - one that cost over $700, and I told her I didn't think we should get that now because we were spending more than what I was making. She went ahead and bought the camera anyway- saying that I was just trying to control her. Finally I got out the old expense sheet and concluded that we were spending an average of 3,500 more a month than I was bringing in - the shortage would each month go on our line of credit tied to the house. We had to make drastic cuts, or we will lose the house - I asked my wife for any help at all, to supplement my reduced income, but she is not on board to getting a regular job other than some craft-making she sells. She doesn't want to give up the car she drives - an expensive SUV, even though it has the highest payments and the highest outstanding balance. She will not sit down and talk with me about where we need to make cuts, because there are some difficult decisions to make. I've made as many cuts as I can - cancelling newspaper, other services etc. All of the kids are gone to school for 7 hours during the day but she maintains that she needs to be at home for them so would not look at anything that wasn't part time. One more kicker - my business I operate at home - the dream of every worker - and she has always resented that I'm home, feeling that I'm looking over what she's doing all the time. She has suggested to me that I need to be gone a couple of days a week to give her her space. These fights about money are draining - I'm always the bad guy. We have little to no intimacy, and I am always on thin ice. To me, it feels like I've been just used and I get angry when I know she spends the majority of the day watching tv shows or surfing the internet.

My question to the wise people on this board is - does this marriage sound salvageable? She does not appear to be facing reality and I don't know if she ever will. At times I just want to walk out, but I don't because of the kids, and deep down I feel I still have some love for her.

Naturally we are only hearing your side of the story, but based on your side, it seems as though you need a little more "Tough Love".
There is another poster called "holdingontoit" who had a wife who spent way way way too much.

He had to cut her off from all funds and give her a weekly housekeeping allowance.



1) Make a budget up of monthly income and expenses.

2) Can you talk to her and say here are the choices:

A) We agree to a budget and look into where we can cut. This may include selling the SUV for a cheaper car. It may include me selling my car for a cheaper car. We will both have a weekly cash allowance that we can spend how we wish. If we want an expensive item, we have to save up for it. If either one of us needs to use a credit card, we have to both agree.

B) I cut off all credit cards and debit cards and give you a budget to buy food with. I take my money from my job and put into a non-joint account. I control all the money. Get a job if you would like more money.