Well, I guess even those of us who consider ourselves in a strong “recovery” need to vent once in a while. My H did not remember our anniversary yesterday, until I told him to look in his bag for the card and book I had hidden in there. He icq’d me from an internet café in Korea which was nice, had planned to do that anyway and in the course of our conversation admitted that he had been “thoughtless” about our anniversary. Why do I set myself up for such disappointment with expectations that he would try to reassure me of a renewed interest in my happiness? I seem to be the only one going to extra efforts to assure him of my love with little cards and being there for him when he is home. I really had expected that he would have arranged for flowers, or had a gift hidden to tell me to get. What a romantic fool I am. The thing is, it was just such disappointments as these that caused me to withdraw emotionally from him over the years. If I don’t expect anything, I don’t get hurt. If I don’t expect him to call or be home by a certain time then I don’t get hurt when he doesn’t or isn’t. <BR> On top of his negligence in this, he wrote that he had turned in a schedule bid that might, (that is “might”) require him to go to Hawaii for a two-day layover in November. He said that particular schedule followed his current schedule in such a way that he could make a lot of extra money in overtime. (A balloon note is due and property taxes too). For those of you who may not know, The Peruvian Princess lives there! He tried to reassure me that the Hawaii trip would probably be dropped because of the way the old and new schedule collide, but could not promise that for certain. I think he would love to have an excuse to stomp around in his old fantasy life for a while, yet to show any doubt or distrust is a “luvvv-buster”. I am so incredibly unhappy right now and lonely. It is times like these that all the emotions I have managed to keep under control just seem to erupt. I am so MAD that he did this to us. Want to scream and wail at the injustice of it all. How could he have thought so little of me that he would design a new life for himself behind my back? Is nothing sacred to him? If he had kept his damn pants zipped none of this would have been a part of my life. I was tooling along so oblivious to his duel life, thinking that our problems nothing more than normal for a married couple with three kids. I am not unattractive, yet never considered or encouraged any other relationship with a man for all these years. I have dedicated my whole existence and being to this unappreciative man, and frankly it is beginning to wear thin.<P>Well, I guess that is all for now. Don’t really feel any better. Probably won’t until he gets home. But that is wrong too. My happiness should not depend on how he treats me. <BR>What a mess!<P>Thanks for listening<P>Beth<BR>

Beth, I'm sorry your H forgot your anniversary. I know how you feel. My H has forgotten my B-day, although I don't think he's ever actually FORGOT our anniversary. The thing about our anniversary is that although he usually remembers it and we go out to eat or something, that is usually <B>IT</B>!! Nothing special about the occasion or anything. This year, he didn't get me a darn thing until two days <B>after</B> our anniversary, and only then because he realized that I was disappointed after a big beautiful flower arrangement arrived at our office--and it turned out to have been sent by friends. It still ticks me off; but, I have told him that I will never celebrate that anniversary again. All it means to me now is that it was the first time I had sex.<BR>So....I am now waiting to see if he is ever going to ask me to marry him all over again, complete with new ring (I toned down the value of what I would like) and a wedding ceremony on a NEW date! <I>Sigh!</I> It may be a while!<BR> Sometimes, though, dates do get away from us. Maybe that is what happened with your H, and maybe he'll make up for it when he gets home. My daddy was awful about remembering dates, ages of his kids, etc. Is that a "man thing"?<BR> But, anyway, if he does go to Hawaii, is there anyway you could go, too? Or, would that be a lovebuster, too?<BR>

hi pw,<BR>'men are dogs' fits here just fine doesn't it? Mine is not real good with celebrations and holidays either, so I think I understand.<BR>HI for a layover? Okay, I would meet him there. I don't care what he says or how much it costs. GO. <BR>I should have done that last yr and did not because H said I did not need to come to CA, that he would not see her again, all was over. Guess what my dear? He saw her, was reinfected, and did not understand how I knew he was going to follow that course of actions.<BR>GO to HI.

OK ladies, not ALL men are dogs - some of us are puppies .<P>My wife forgot our last anniversary. I got zip. I did up the day as I always do. Birthday was a little better, but not much. <P>As for remembering dates - I don't have a problem. I celebrate the day my wife and I met. I know exactly what she wore on that day and I remember what she wore the first time I took her out. I remember the first everything between us . I know each of our kids birthdays as well as the time of day they were born. I also remember what each birthing experience was like. I also remember the last time she said she loved me - it's been a while. Oops, I'm getting depressed here.<P>Anyway, I agree with cl. Meet him in Hawaii. When I first read your post, I thought that is what he was implying. Maybe surprise him and greet him when he comes off the plane .<P>PW, I find myself doing the same as you - making my expectations too high and having my happiness in her hands. how do you get around that?<P>SHA

Hi Pilots Wife -<P>I'm sorry he forgot your Anniversary.....the Jerk!!!<P>HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!<P>I agree with CL, if it turns out to be a definite.....move hell and earth to be there, too!!!!<P>Nothing is more important than any precautions to prevent descending into a reoccurance of this nightmare!!!<P>Besides, you deserve a vacation and Hawaii will do just fine!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Puppies!!!! <P>SHA you crack me up!!!!<P>LOL!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hey SHA, dear little puppy....are you housebroken yet? <P>PW, call for flights. You need to be there. It really will be a turning point for you.<BR>I cannot believe the ow lives there....that is my home.

I'm sorry beth, I know you were countin on him rememebering.<P>Tell me something, did he usually rememeber before it happened, or wa he always a bit forgetfull in terms of special dates? Some people are really like that, and more so, if they're busy or stressed. My H is one of those people. He doesn't reall pay much attention to that kind of stuff.However, he can let me know in other ways( and other days ) the things I would like to hear on those special dates. It's just that he doesn't pay much attention to it. He doesn't even make a big fuss about his own b-day.He might not buy anything special for christmas, and then bring me a special present in another day. I think he avoids the conventional celebration days. This year he did rememeber our wedding anniversary, but I think it was more because I was talking so much about it than anything else, and because he realised I needed it. However, last month, he took me to dinner and to a show. I joked and asked what were we celebrating. You know that we've been married for 16 years? It's along time, but not counting my "silly phase" last year, it has been great - he said. Are we celabrating our marriage? I asked. Kind of - he answered. Our anniversary in in June See what I mean? ANd this "celebration"was certainly better than the one on the right day <P>In any case, I agree with everybody else regarding the hawaii thing. Go!<P>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

<BR>Thanks for all your replies. I feel a little better having icq'd with H again last nite and discussing all my concerns as best as can be through the written word, but still feel his is clueless about how much this whole business has hit me in the security department, and that he COULD do a little more to help me regain some of my old confidence.<P>Sweet pea--<BR>I would also love for my H to suggest or at least agree to renew our vows, but that really would be an unrealistic expectation. He just will never feel that way, and I have to believe it.<P>CL-----<P>The more I know men, the more I like my dogs.<P>Used to have a t-shirt that said that....<BR>maybe I should have kept it.<P>And where in HI (generally) do you live. I know the exact address, phone number etc, of the OW. Without revealing too much, it is on the North Shore. Her oldest son, is a championship level surfer, about 17 or 18 yrs old. Maybe You could save me a trip there and practice your detective skills.<P>heheh<P><BR>Sir Hurts a Lot----<P>You are one in a Million, and your wife needs to have her head examined!<P>And, I don't know exactly what to say about relying too heavily on others for our happiness. I am reading the Relationship Toolbox now, so may have some ideas about it later. I do know that it is not too healthy to depend on others or blame others for my feelings, that they are in "my control" but sometime the autopilot takes over, and I think it has antiquated ideas about suff. Was designed in the 60's and 70's you know.<P>Sheba---<P>Thanks for your imput. I always enjoy reading your comments and ideas.<P>And, to all of you, I informed H last nite that I WOULD meet him in HI if it came to that, and he did not object. He prob. thinks my stingy nature will kick in and keep me from spending the money.<P>Kat---<BR>Your H sounds just like mine. Just doesn't understand special days and you are right, my H never has remembered special days too well, but through the years he has neglected our anniversary the most. The kids don't let him forget birthdays, christmas or valentines. Maybe in the future I should enlist their aid in reminding him abour anniversaries too.<BR> I don't think his forgetfulness in this matter is a reflection of neg. feelings toward me, but more an absence of understanding of my need to be placated and reassured. He says he is not insecure at all about our relationship or future! DUH! No wonder, I have been pouring on reassurances for about two years now in triplicate! Guess if he feels secure, he must think I feel secure too. hmmm?<P>Thanks for your thoughts guys.

pw, send me an e-mail at cheryl_fnp@hotmail.com<BR>I now live on the mainland, not the northshore. But it is still 'home'. <BR>I love my dogs. They are so wonderful!!<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited October 19, 1999).]