<BR>The irony of it just struck me: <BR>here we all are discussing <BR>situations in which there are at <BR>least one TOO MANY members of the <BR>opposite sex showing interest, <BR>while all around us, on Lonely <BR>Hearts boards, are people who need <BR>someone to love (and don't already <BR>HAVE someone). Sort of like <BR>suffering gout while the world <BR>starves. Wonder why that is; is <BR>there something about being <BR>attached that makes <BR>married/involved people more <BR>attractive than people who are <BR>alone?? Too bad there isn't some <BR>way to "share the weath"; we all <BR>know an OP we'd like to donate to <BR>the cause... <p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited February 03, 2000).]

Q -- You know, I've often wondered the same thing myself. I don't know a lot about OM, but he is in his late 30's or early 40's. W convinced her counselor that he was an "altruistic" friend. W described how wonderful he was, just a "perfect" person.<P>Then I began thinking, if he was so wonderful/perfect, why was he interested in a married woman when there are so many attractive, intelligent, single women looking for someone just like W describes him. With all of her demons, she is not exactly a prime catch right now, so it must mean that there aren't many sane women who see him like she does.<P>--DeWayne--

I think what is so attractive about married people is the thrill of the chase. My h's ow seems to thrive on breaking up marriages. Let's see, she cheated on her first husband several times. She broke up her present husband's marriage. And, while she is still married to him, she is working on breaking up our marriage. I am sick that my husband can't stay away from her. She is a piece of garbage. I have tried to be really decent about the whole thing. I have hardly called the woman a nasty thing to my h's face. Of course, he wouldn't let me anyway. He tends to protect her. Well, a tramp like that needs protection. I am sorry, you just touched on a raw nerve! Everybody keeps telling me that she will lose interest in my h. Well, I am not so sure. She will probably keep him around awhile and then dump him for someone else. Although she is getting pretty old. She is 11 years older than me. 9 years older than my h. So, she probably will try to hang on to my h just for that fact. What an absolute witch! <P>~Woozy

Some people believe marriage is a sham, a myth. As always, people want life to turn out like their expectations, a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, they find a typical seemingly "happy" marriage at least by society's standards, and try to bust it up thereby proving what they've been cynically saying all along.<BR>

I think we should quit blaming the OP's and put the blame where it lies: with whoever is leaving the marriage. My w's boyfriend was a real looser by my standards, probably a nice guy but not too bright, you know what I mean. Fact is he was a total stranger who wasn't and couldn't possibly have been involved until my ex went looking for something. He was as much a victim as me in the end. When she dumped him to "find someone better", I'm sure he was as hurt as I was when she dumped me for him.<P>Let's face it, when you get married you make a deal with your partner that they will be faithful. You don't make a deal with everybody else in the world that they will stay away from your partner. I mean, there were probably 100,000 men in this city who would have slept with my wife, if my wife would have let them. I can't run around and make a deal with each of them, it would be impossible. I made a deal with my w not to sleep with other men. In my opinion the OP never did anything to you. They were under no obligation to you what so ever. It's your spouse who made the deal and then broke it.

But i forgot the original question. My dating experience is limited, but what I have learned so far probably applies. Lots of people have a great deal of expectations of what they want in another person, many of with are unreasonable in isolation, and which are in combination usually totally impossible. It's the same mistake that probably happened to your ex. Rising expectations and a sense of entitlement.<P>For example, i was seeing this girl who said she liked everything about me, good job, liked my looks, intelligent (she was flattering me), liked my friends, good with children. But she wasn't expecting me to already have kids. Well, I'm thinking to myself, how many men who are that eligible to be a father do you think would make it to my age without having been ransacked for cash already? I mean, if you wanted to have your own kids and a husband with no prior convictions, don't you think it might have been better to start a little earlier? Maybe living in the Caribbean for half your 20's was fun, but it ain't my fault you don't have a house, a good job, and two kids now. And it's not my responsibility to fix it for you either.<P>Problem is I think that most people really don't get the cause effect relationship. They think they can do whatever they want and it will have absolutely no effect on the outcome of their lives. For example, it hasn't even crossed my ex wife's mind that she may be more or less single for the remainder of her life, and that she has probably eliminated any possibility of having more children. She just doesn't see how any of these actions she took could possibly imply that. Her life will be perfect because that's what she deserves.<P>With dating, it's the same thing. People never stop to realize their expectations are unreasonable, and that they aren't ever going to meet anybody sitting in front of the TV watching "Friends". You have to get out there. And even then it takes forever. And then you do finally start dating and it turns out your new girlfriend has totally unrealistic expectations. So you break up and start over. I believe after a few years of this you begin to realize why bachelors always seem so happy and have so much extra money. So then you by an SUV and some new Skis and find you have lots of time to turn powder, and the hill doesn't expect any more of you than you can deliver, is always available for a date, and doesn't question your character if you have something else to do that day.<BR>

<BR>I gotta go with nonplused. The ethics of infidelity (sounds like an oxymoron!) dictate that the OP is held harmless. They didn't take marriage vows with you, your spouse took marriage vows with you. I agree that there are truly vicious, cynical people out there who revel in destroying others' marriages, but ultimately its the betraying spouse that makes the bad judgment and deserves the blame.<P>Nonplused, I agree with you that a lot of people have unrealistic expectations, but my hunch is that these people also have less experience in long-term relationships. Really, we're all crazy in some ways (and my spouse reminds me of my craziness often - ha!), and part of negotiating the waters of marriage is learning not to let your partner's idiosyncrasies drive you nutty. People who don't understand this would be likely, in my view, to also have unrealistic expectations.<P>Bystander<BR>