A few weeks ago, I told my h I would try to take him back and work on the marriage. It took almost 6 months to come to that decision. Now I have this nagging sense that he did all this stuff to me and the kids, and what price did he pay? I feel like he got away with it. I don't like this feeling, because I know he is sorry and remorseful, one main reason I decided to try at all. I know he is paying a heavy price, he has to face everyone with what he has done, but I can't help feeling like he got away with it. I feel like a fool, like what in the world would he have to do to me to make me walk away? What could he possibly do to me that is worse than this?? It just feels like I am letting him back in my heart and he doesn't deserve it. I think sometimes that it's just not fair for him to live like he lived, and in the end , end up with his wife and kids, and nice house, etc .....<P>Is this a normal thing? I don't know what is normal anymore. <P>

You are letting him back in your life and heart, and what did he do to deserve it? Nothing. <BR>You are letting him back bcs of your love and commitment, given by you, not bcs he deserves it. It's called "grace." <BR>As you observe, he is paying a heavy price, so don't feel he's gotten away free. But, if you love him and want to regain your marriage, don't worry about who deserves what...you have to be in this togther!<BR>Good luck...<BR>Kathi

Crushed,<P>First of all I'd like to say that I'm glad to hear you decided to give your H a second (third, fourth, whatever!) chance. BIG step, and a hard one at that. <P>Depending on the way his mind works, if he has a conscience, he will NOT get away with this scot free. Maybe from your perspective, the price he may pay will never be enough. But is it about him paying a price or this marriage being saved and kept sacred? If he's sorry, truly remorseful, loves you and will give you his all from now on, he will pay a silent unmeasurable price in his heart for what he's done. <P>It's good to vent about your aggrivation over this. This is the place to do it! This is such a critical turning point in your marriage right now and the less injury the two of you cause each other the better. I remember being here not to long ago myself with my H. <P>Accept his apology, accept his love, because you are starting from scratch, ground zero with each other and right now it's all he has to offer you right now. Give him a chance to do right by you. This is when the REAL work starts, but also the real rewards too. Good luck to you both, I'm glad you're starting over!<P>Khyra

Crushed:<P>All of us betrayed spouses feel like that to some degree or another. I've told my wife several times that I felt like she'd gotten away with it, and that by taking her back, I was letting her do it.<P>What I had to come to realize (and what YOU will realize as well) is that they ARE suffering too. We sometimes can't see their pain because of our own. I'm sure your H (like my W) is going through the embarassment of having become a cheater.<P>The other thing you must realize is that by NOT taking him back (if that's what you WANT), you would not only be punishing HIM, you'd be punishing yourself and your kids. I knew I wanted my wife back, but, I also wanted HER to feel the consequences of cheating.<P>It's a fine line to draw, but in the long run, I saw that she WAS facing the consequences, and I could still have her back.<P>Keep working on it. You CAN get past this.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Crushed,<P>I say yes, it is normal. For the longest time I wanted to do the same thing to my husband to pay him back for all the pain he caused me. I am so glad that I didn't because I could not have respected myself after that. The advice the others gave is good. The betrayers are battling tremendous loads of guilt, shame and depression. After what you have been through though it is hard to make that matter. <P>Please know that everyone here understands what you are feeling and that we are here for you to vent those feelings to. I think in time your feelings will change. He didn't get away with anything but hurting everyone in your family and shaming himself. If he thought the other relationship was that great would he be back? People can learn from their mistakes.

I don't know if this would help you but on those days when I feel like this (and this does still happen, though less and less frequently! ) but I think to myself and say who am I to say weather or not he should suffer? I can only be responsible for MY actions, MY beliefs and MY feelings and I can't make him hurt the way I had. <BR>People here are right, he's probably hurting in his own way and feeling his own kind of pain. I know there isn't a day that doesn't go by without him saying to me that he wished he had never hurt me in this way. And the harder thing to accept is that he is swearing (Like in the marriage vows) that he will be eternally faithful from now on. I don't want vows from him, they hurt too much and are too easily broken. But the thing is that I will be here in 20 years and see it then. I know he believe he means them now, and that's whats important. <BR>The thing is that you can't carry all this extra stuff around with you. You have to decide to make this marriage work and then every time those feelings come up on you re-decide to let go of them and make this marriage work. This isn't easy but nothing about a successful marriage is, it is hard work. But you will find that it will become like a second habit, not paying attention to those extra little nagging things. Life gets better. It's a long way down to that place you started from and your getting farther and farther away from it every day. <BR>Again, hope it helps! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Thanks to all those who have replied. It feels good to vent and know that my feelings are normal. (although who wants this kind of normal, huh?) Its only been a few weeks into this and everyday I have second thoughts but the only thing that keeps me trying is to know I wouldn't have had any peace if I didn't at least try. Through this whole thing I have been trying to remind myself that he did this in the past. It's not part of my present life, but I still hurt just the same. I try to look on the positive side and look at all the good things.....if I could just forget the past.<P>Well thanks again for your understanding.