My H just asked me if I like him any more and I told him the truth. I said I did not like the way he has treated me, or the way he sold out our relationship so he could know if someone besides his wife found him attractive. He wanted to feel better about himself so he indulged himself. He told me he knew I found him attractive but that I did not count since I was his wife. <P>I told him that I never thought he could do this to me and that in many ways I was not sure who he was anymore. And that while I wanted to work on the marriage, I did not know who I was getting back as my H. I told him I liked the guy who used to love me and respect me and who knew right from wrong and that I hoped he could find his way back to that again.<P>He found this hard to take but it is the truth. I did not scream it, I told him this in a very honest and calm way. I was sure to tell him that I loved him too before he left.<P>Maybe I should'nt have said it but I did not want to lie either. My H was a great guy at one point. But let's face it, he treated me like crap for the better part of 1.5 years. After a while, that Mr.Wonderful auora I felt for him departed. He became someone I needed to protect myself from. What did he expect me to say???<P>I know that we all love our spouses or we would not want to work on our marriages. But is there anyone out there who can say that at the moment they like them???<P>Do you know what I mean. I love my H but I have to say that I don't like him as much, Not after what he did to me.<P>I'd love to here your thoughts on this too.<P>Acacia

Dear Acacia,<P>I like my husband more than I have liked him in years. I like the man he has become and the man he is achieving to be. We were so distant and he kept himself so hidden from me for so long that I am learning so many new and wonderful things about him.<P>Granted the reasons behind his affair are different from those your husband has expressed. Still I think if you give it time you may never forget what he has done but, you will like the person he has become and the person he will be in the future.<P><P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

No, I don't like my H right now (anymore). Part of me will always love him, who he was when I married him. I don't even love the man he is right now. He has done so much and said so much that he has overdrawn my lovebank so completely, and the bank is now closed for business. <P>B<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

acacia,<P>I feel exactly like you do...<BR>Love is there...<BR>...but I can't like what my W's become.<P>That feeling exists for now... while I am in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... If I ever get to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... I know (like Butterfly) the "love" feeling will fall off too... It's inevitable.<P>Hope your H comes to his senses soon...<BR>my W too!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

I'm with Sam. I do like my H. He's grown an awful lot in the last months, like me, I guess. <P>It's been a hard time, and, to tell you the truth, I never thought I could like him more than I did (I thought he was pretty terrific before), but I do. I believe we're BOTH bringing more back into this marriage.<P>Lori

It is interesting to know how you feel about this too. I am encouraged that Sam and Lori have been able to regain the "like" they once felt for thier H's. But I am also comforted to know that Jim and Butterfly have feelings like mine. <P>I hope that all of our spouses put forth the effort that it seems Sam and Lori's have so that we can all regain that auora of admiration we once felt for them.<P>Thanks for your responses! I hope more post too so we can get a good overview of this issue.<P>Acacia

It depends - which H are we talking about? The one who called several times yesterday as he was running errands with one child, to keep us updated on when he was going to pick up the others? Or the one who agrees to something, sometimes even something he has suggested, and then the next day changes his mind (or lets her change it for him)? The one who reliably shows up on time to pick up the kids, or the one who told them he was going to bring them all home early from the OW's if any of them disobeyed? The "Daddy/decent person" persona, or the "I don't have to answer to anybody (except the OW, of course)" persona? I don't see much of the first one, but, yes, I do still like that one. And I love the man that I believe is still deep inside.

I sincerely like and dearly love my new H. Of course this is the same one I've had for 30 years but so very different. <P>It's almost like having been married to three different people. <P>There was the pre-affair H. The original one. The one I married so long ago. He was very young, carefree, ambitious, optimistic, immature, irresponsible, unrealistic, sometimes selfish but so loving. <P>The second one was the affair H. He was cold, unfeeling, very selfish, hurtful, demeaning, arguementative, demanding, hostile, unaffectionate. I used to say I couldn't be around him for 5 minutes without a disagreement and it was true. I couldn't do anything right. I used to dread 4pm, when he'd be coming home from work. And I reacted. Reacted with lovebusters of my own as a defense mechanism, giving him more reasons and justification for his behavior. <P>The new and current H is great. I couldn't ask for a better guy. He is kind, remorseful for the past, considerate, loving, affectionate, mature, older and wiser, sensitive to my feelings, anxious to please. Like night and day difference between number 2 & 3 and better than number one! We go places together, do things, talk, laugh, cry, comfort, just enjoy each others company. A vast difference from "dreading 4pm"!! <P>We have both changed. I have no doubt he could make an extensive list regarding the changes in me. I too have grown, taken a personal inventory and realized my mistakes. Perfect?? No, but we're working hard on it!! And the results are amazing! <p>[This message has been edited by Nerlycrzy (edited February 06, 2000).]

I love and I like my H. (If I say it enough then I'll believe it, Right?)<P>I totally HATE his actions.<P>I'm learning to separate the man from the action, it helps me overcome the LB's.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited February 06, 2000).]

Way to go Nerly! I'm starting to see a third one too. Much better than 1, and 2 I could never recognize as the dear man I'm married to. It really was the evil twin.

Right now, I have to agree with Nellie.<BR>Split personalities - but then again I sometimes feel that I have a very evil twin living inside me too. It seems that he treats me better after I tell him I've had it, than if I tell him and try to show him how much I still love him. I'm very confused.

I realized some time ago that the man I married never really existed anywhere but in my own mind. I'm convinced his true self was the one he showed during our last year or so of marriage. It just took me 8 yrs to finally get to know the real him.<P>I think my ex is a despicable human being and I would mostly like to forget I ever knew him. I'm convinced that he never respected or loved me, and only married me because he liked all the stuff I did for him, not because he loved ME as a person. My 8 yrs with him was a total waste of my time. <P>When someone says they love someone, but don't like them, my thought is that they don't really love them at all. They are really in love with the fantasy they built around that person, not the person themselves. I think you should be honest with yourself. You aren't in love with your H anymore and you are staying married for other reasons, one of which might be (hopefully) that you wish to be "in love" with him again someday.

I truly love my H. I have for so long and will always have some kind of love for him. It just depends on the outcome of all of this.<P>No, I don't like what he is doing. He has become uncaring and that is not how he was with me before the affair. <BR>

Truth...pre-affair: I dearly love my H and think he is the MOST WONDERFUL man in the entire world!!!!<P>During the affair: First 11 months - I think my H is going through a phase and will "wake up" and I will get my old H back.<P>Last month and current feelings: I do not like my H and at this point, I am not sure I even love my H at all. He just has destroyed virtually all the love and respect that I have had for him. I do not hate him personally; however, I despise his actions and cowardice. This "new " person is totally unattractive to me.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I do still like my husband (most of the time). I thought about this a couple of days ago and started a list of things I like/love about him. All evening every time I thought of something I added to the list. Some stupid things and some things I'm sure he would never have guessed I'd notice. Everything from the shape of his hands and the way he smells to the fact that I know he's always coming home, no matter how angry he is when he storms out the door. <P>On Thurs. night I printed off the list and accidently left it where he was sure to see it (but face down so he would know it was accidental. The bathroom counter worked well for me). I figured even tho I was so p*ssed I couldn't say these things, at least he would know I stil thought them. At the very least it would make his day, at best it would make mine. Neither of us has mentioned it, and I "found" and removed it the next morning. <P>So far this weekend he's taken me out to dinner, on friday night he cleaned the house while I went out with a friend (I left a message, which he didn't get. I came home find he had cleaned, lit a fire and had made me a nice (by then cold) dinner, and he wasn't even mad that I was 2 hrs. late), he gave me a backrub yesterday and today he washed floors without me asking.<P>Geez, I must be a damn fine writer! <P><p>[This message has been edited by moira2 (edited February 06, 2000).]

I still like my old husband, I just can't stand this stranger I'm living with now.<BR>It is really confusing time for me.

Wow...<P>Moria,<BR>your husband should give lessons!<P>Acacia

Can’t say I dislike or like her because I don’t know her. Almost zero communication.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I have really had to think about this question for a couple of days. My initial reaction was sort of like Chris's response-Do I really KNOW my husband anymore?<P>I love him with all my heart, and I do like him. It is difficult to separate the fact that he chose to become involved with another woman from the person that he is, hard to objectively judge him separate from his actions. But that is what we all need to do.<P>I disagree with a previous post that said if we don't like our spouse right now, we don't really love them. I believe that the pain we are going through affects our feelings, and it will take time to sort them out.<P>For me, I believe the conflict relates back to a difference in our emotional needs. One of my husbands top emotional needs is to admired and respected. My #1 emotional need is for honesty and openness. Since discovering my husband's affair, my respect and admiration for him has diminished greatly (understatement of the year). It is hard to like someone without those feelings. It will take time to regain them, but it is certainly possible to do so.<P>So, I will answer the question by saying this: Yes, I still like my spouse, but not as much as I used to. We are working to save our marriage with the faith that we will regain and improve the feelings we had before insanity took over our lives!<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited February 07, 2000).]

Yes, I like my H. There are still moments when I look at him and wonder if you really CAN know the heart of anyone, but that is a life lesson. We can never really place 100% trust in a human, any human, because none of us perfect. That was a life lesson.<P>What I do like about him is he is willing to work on areas of our relationship that are honestly not important to him. Like conversation, or how to communicate in a positive upbeat manner (which to him means putting a bunch of needless fluff into it). He is still so clueless it is laughable sometimes, but he is open to the thought that just because something is not important to him, does not mean it is not important.<P>That was breakthrough.<P>And I'm more likable. I was a Plan A person before the affair. I'm always nice, never nag, in fact I never tell him what to do even around the house. BUT, I resisted his efficiency advise (I saw it as critism instead of coaching which it is to him) and although I encouraged him to pursue any recreational pursuit he wished, I didn't join him enough.<P>So we are both working hard on doing the "unimportant" and we are both reaping big rewards. <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13