This is a long story. I hope someone can read my concerns and help me brainstorm.<P>My husband has left for his "space" (In other words, the other woman). This is not the first time. He did this before; I forgave it. He did it a few times and each time, I felt our family was worth trying to work things out ( We have four small children).<P>This time is different however because he wants to blame me totally because I was doing a serious love buster by withdrawing sexually. i acknowledge that this was wrong. I do know what all went into this down slump. I've started new medication during the year and my physician said it could possibly be due to that. I've been on major hormones to allow us to have our beautiful children. I don't know anymore but I did a major shut down. Maybe I have been harboring some major resentments due to the numerous affairs. I don't know but I did shut down.<P>I can't clean the house to his satisfaction. I don't cook enough. He wants me to do EVERYTHING. That's my job. Of course, when he wasnt working and i was I still had to do everything. I didn't mind because he was in school. I know this sounds crazy for an otherwise intelligent woman but, I LOVE my husband and I want things to work. I can not even talk to very many people BECAUSE he's a Pastor. I've been answer calls vaguely so that no one would know he left us on Christmas day. This is getting harder and harder because the members and other people are getting concerned and are hearing things too. <P>He usually tries to keep up a good front at church activities because I still go and maintain my duties and responsibilities. I dont know how long I can keep this up.<P>He's avoiding ANYONE who would tell him the RIGHT thing and has started hanging with people who would tell him whatever he wants to hear. He won't even return his MOTHER'S calls. <P>He has come home to "try to work things out" a couple of times. (Mostly to keep the Deacon off track I imagine.) But he just mopes and pouts and sits like the King of Siam and doesn't want to try to go to counselling. in fact, the last time we talked (and he left again) he said he doesnt want to go to counselling and even though counselling could help us, he doesn't know if he WANTS it to. <P>I have been so tired! I work, I have been going back to school to meet some of the goals that we have. I work within his ministry. I have a once a week evening 2nd job. All of this was to help us. But now, there is no "us".<P>My children love their father and he doesn't call doesnt come but maybe a quick pop-in visit to pick them up swing them around, drop them back down and beat a hasty exit. <P>I am overwhelmed by the fear of what's in store as I attempt to try to raise four rambunctious children.Especially due to his "out of sight out of mind attitude." <P>Once upon a time, he didn't believe in divorce. Now he's saying if divorce wasn't possible it wouldn't be written of in the Word! <P>This other woman I understand works with him and has followed us on various speaking engagements. i believe I know who she is but I'm unsure. <P>Are there any ideas out there? Thank you.<BR>

Oh my. I don't even know what to say. My sympathies.<P>Obviously things are pretty terrible, so I suppose you don't need me saying any of the usual. What I might suggest is that you need to consider your career. Unemployed pastors are notoriously bad at paying child and spousal support.<BR>

I don't have much advice to offer you right now. I still have to think about it and then I will get back to you.<P>One thing though. I don't think that you should be making excuses for him (like pretending that all is well within the church community....or saving face). I think that enables the problem. He needs to be responsible for his own actions. After all, he's the one that chose to go that path.<P>I'll get back to your Post later on, when I can think of more constructive things to say.<P>Please stay strong for yourself & your children. My prayers go out to you.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited January 26, 2000).]

Welcome <B>Pastorswife</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>There is just bit of confusion here at the forum... last week the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>I, too, had a medical(sexual) problem at about the time my W's affair started... definitely a link!<P>Whether your H goes to counseling or not...<BR>...you need to get some help immediately.<BR>As far as running the church... confide in the leaders/elders/deacon/whoever...<BR><B>AND</B>...<BR>perhaps some counseling for you!<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counselling free of charge. Protecting you and the kids <B>IS NOT A LOVE BUSTER!</B><P>For the immediate time... try and sick to a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... I sense you've tried <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> already... but keep it up until counseling can direct you better!<P>You know tonight we will <B>all</B> be praying for you and your children...<BR>For your H too... so H comes to the understanding of the will of God... <P>Jim

My question: Is he still pastoring?<P>If so, I think I'd approach the church for help. Probably a MAJOR lovebuster <thumps in the head expected>...<P>I know he's only human, but I expect better from a church leader. <P>If you're wondering, I do have a personal interest because I was emotionally abused and nearly sexually assaulted by a so-called minister of God's Word (although my counselor, who is a female priest, says I was *indeed* sexually abused by this mans words and actions).<P>You sound like a very caring and saintly woman!<P>Best wishes, and of course, let us know what you decide to do!

He may be a pastor in name but in action he is not. He is of no benefit to any one. He has chosen to do this so he must pay the consequences. Don't cover for him anymore. I know how hard it is to let people know what is going on. BUt you shouldn't be placed in this situation. Tell him that you will not cover for him if he will not get counseling or make the decision to leave the OW. As far as it being your fault it is not you have done things wrong as we all have but to have an affair is his choice onely no one pushed him into it. One would thing a pastor would be a little more understanding. My prayers are with you. You have found a good place to cone and vent and to help you understand a little what is going on.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

i am a pastor's wife too.<BR>but, my husband didn't start the affair until a week after he resigned. you can read my history by clicking on the little red glasses on the top of the post.<BR> first, according to matt.18:15-20 as his sister in Christ you must confront him with his sin (i'm sure you've done that), then you must confront him again with someone else, perhaps the deacon. if he still refuses to repent, then you go to the church board. he will surely lose his ministry (at least for a time), but better to lose it and gain your husband back. God's plan is precisly to REDEEM you husband. and pull him out of that snare. you are wise to not have blabbed it to everyone though. i felt that i needed to tell those who could support me, otherwise i kept my mouth shut because it hurt me to even talk about it anyway. <BR> <BR> my husband had turned totally away from the Lord, for 5 years!!! but now he is back and restored and rebuilding his life. the ministry is still out of the question. but i try not to limit what God can do. there is a book called "refilling the jars" about a pastor who had numerous affairs and came back and even went back into ministry. <BR> oh my sister, i am sooooo sorry. this hurts soooo much. you should visit the women's bible study section of this forum (page down on the begining page). we pray and share there and you will be encouraged. <BR> there is so much to say, but i don't know what to say. you need a friend. i hope you have one close by. email me if you would like at neenfun@yahoo.com<BR> hang out here, it really helps.<BR>

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I know the world thinks Pastors are above this type of behavior, but they are only men. <P>I kind of know what you are going thru. My H is involved in an emotional affair with the Pastors sister and the Pastor encourages them to spend time together. <P>First, you should tell him that you will not cover up anymore. Tell him first so he doesn't feel like you are betraying him when you don't cover for him.<P>Second, go to the Deacon and explain the situation. Ask him for prayer and advice. You will be amazed at how much this will help you personally. Tell the Deacon everything. The Deacon must keep your confidence the same as a Pastor or Counselor.<P>Above all, pray for yourself to keep your faith in God. I find my faith is evaporating. I can't understand how God can set by and let a Pastor be so blind to His word. <P>Keep posting here. When you feel like you can't stand it anymore, remind yourself of this: The Lord won't let you have more than you can handle. You have the strength to get thru this. <P>

Pastorswife,<BR> First, I want to say welcome and that my heart and prayers go out to you. I don't think you are crazy for wanting your marriage to work. If you're crazy, that makes us all crazy. Anyway, though your H is a pastor, he is human. He is equal to any other person in that congregation. I do believe he needs to step down from his position. The Bible says that we are to follow as he follows Christ. And right now, he is definitely out of line with God. This is not the time for judgment, it is a time for restoring the man of God and most of all your marriage. I agree with neen 100%. You will find that she and a lot of the others have very wise advise to offer. Please stay and post and read. I believe this site is a blessing from God. it has helped me so much. God Bless your family.....

Pastorswife,<BR>I can feel your pain. I am so sorry that this has happened to you repeatedly. The heartache that you must be bearing. Your situation is a little more difficult than the rest of the us. If you tell, most assuredly your h will lose his job. We had a pastor that had a sexual problem and when it was brought before the board, he was removed immediately. As difficult as this is for you, you must do what God's Word commands us to do. The advice from the other pastors wife is very sound. You must go through the steps of confrontation. Remember, this is not your sin--it is your h. You are not called to cover up anything for him. As you are deciding what to do, read the Plan A advice in this section. I am sure that you have heard of Dr. Dobson's Tough Love stance also. That would be like Plan B in this sight. You need to decide how long you can do a fruitful Plan A then look at Plan B. Somehow your h will see that his behavior is destructive and not in God's plan at all. It is amazing what Satan can do. I'm sure that your h ministry was growing very rapidly. Satan took advantage of your h weakness. There are other ministries that will help you also. Call Focus on the Family. They have a pastor support group there. Also call Chuck Swindoll's ministry. They will be able to give you very good advice. Nothing in this is going to be easy. You are going to bear a lot of backlash from your h sin. Put your loving arms around your children and sheild them as much as possible. Know that I have prayed for you and trust that God knows what is best for you right now.

Pastorswife,<BR>I feel your pain and lack of direction as what to do. I can relate to your plight because I have endured 8 affairs in 7 years. My W is a professed Chrisitan and sings in the choir alng with me. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring which I am not sure the other choir members have noticed. Yet, when I come to choir practice alone, I am asked if I know where she is. I so desparately want to say, I really don't care. I am certain that it comes out in the tone of my voice.<P>I would pray earnestly as I have for the past 7 years. Treat him as God directs you to in the Bible. As far as divorce is concerned, he does not have grounds and from the tone of your post you don't either at least not yet. You don't sound like you have ahard heart. I am sure God is working on you in that department. I know He has in my case. <P>He has directed me to Hosea to help me ease my pain concerning this entire ordeal. When I look back over our entire marriage, I see so much that mirrors what is happening in Hosea. God told me He wanted me to get married when I didn't want to because of hurt from prior relationship. He even chose my W for me. Sounds much like what happened to Hosea. I stay because He keeps telling me that I can't go. Should He ever say that I can go, I am certain that I would be out of here before you could blink your eye because my flesh wants revenge.<P>He is living the fantasy that Satan has planted in his head. He currently can't see straight because Satan has him severely distracted. <P>Pray continually and study His word to find the majority of your comfort. Come here for the rest of your comfort. Email me regilmor@swbell.net if you want to dialogue one to one. I know what you are gonig through is really tough because he is a pastor. <P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P>

Pastorswife,<P>Be careful! He is probably the financial source for you and your precious kids, so don't be too quick to run and blow the whistle on him. I know how hard it is not having people to talk to. I had the same situation for different reasons. But all you need is one, someone you can trust.<P>And this site has been very helpful. Have you read Recovering from an Affair? There are a lot of people on this forum trying to win back their spouse in the midst of an affair. (Plan A or Plan B). It's not fair that you should now do all the work, but it seems it's the only way. The affair is like an addiction and the healthy spouse has to do all the work at first.<P>Also, if "going" to counselling is threatening to him, would he try the Harleys in the phone counselling? It has worked really well for us. In fact, we have clearly seen the Lord's hand in how the counselling has worked out.

UPDATE:<BR> Well, he came to the house late last night and when I opened the door, he said he just came to get his suit. (Left from his last attempt to off-set the deacon by being home to "work things out"- read: moping around and pouting and still seeing thee ow)<BR> I tried to remain calm. I tried not to do any LBs. In fact, I went to my room since the suit was hanging on the door rack to our son's room. He got his things and walked to the door.<P> QUESTION: I am thinking seriously about having the car he's driving (MINE)towed. It is mine. He has paid the car note the last few months but everything is totally in my name, due to his credit concerns. He doesn't have insurance. I'm not paying for it and he can't get it otherwise. He normally has someone drive him (since he has a suspended licsense) but when he came over last night, he was driving!!!! To risk arrest shows me that he's in a really self-destructive state. <P> I can't afford to have him get into an accident and then, with everything in my name, I will be held totally responsible and he can just walk away from the bills. I've got to protect myself and the children. And, quite honestly, I'm very angry. Why should he (and the ow) be allowed to ride in luxury in this car while the kids and I trudge along in the old van because (since there are 5 of us) we can hardly fit into a car?<P> When I talked with my loan holder (she was calling because he's behind in the payment now) and she is adamant that I will be held responsible for anything that happens.We have snow coming this weekend and after he left I stayed up last night over this. <BR> He won't call. He won't come. Out of sight, out of mind. (The only reason he came last night is because he wanted his new suit. He didn't even peek in on the kids.) <P> I can't reach him unless I call his job (which is a MAJOR hassle). He won't give me a number to call him after hours. I called today to give him the opportunity to set up a time to talk this evening. We have to start talking about the household expenses and his total amnesia about having four kids and bills angers me beyond words. But when I called and told him that we need to talk. He said, "About what? What is there to talk about?" I tried to be really calm but he ended up hanging up on me anyway with his trademark, "Whatever" comment. "What is there to talk about???????!!!!!!<BR>Gee.. maybe our four children. The rent? Tuition?<BR>But, I will give him the opportunity this evening to leave the car with me OR i'll have the tow truck get it from work tomorrow. (This is my only chance to get it since I don't know where the OW lives or where he's staying.)<P>What do you think? Pray for me to make the wisest decision.<P>Plan A? Plan B? I tried Plan A (as much as possible) but I didn't do a great job. He's so indifferent now though, I don't know at all if it will make a bit of difference to him.<P>THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR COMMENTS, PRAYERS, AND CONCERN. I FEEL THE LOVE AND I AM SO THANKFUL GOD LED ME HERE. <BR>

Pastorswife, <P>I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am a Christian, a man, and a father of four. <P>From what you write, things are pretty bad. If he is still laeding a church, I think it's time to let them know. As a pastor's wife, I'm sure you know doctrine much better than I. As for your husband, boy, the Bible doesn't have many good things to say about pastors who can't keep their own house in order. Those that are chosen to teach are held to much higher standards.<P>I don't know what denomination you are affiliated with, but you may want to make some calls to head offices. I'm sure they would want to ensure you and your kids will be taken care of. I'm also sure your own church would reach out to help. But, he should not be pastoring right now - plain and simple.<P>Your husband needs a wake up call. BIG TIME. He's got problems, and don't let him blame you for his affairs. He's only trying to justify his poor behavior. I don't care if you don't clean the house very well, I don't care if you shut down sexually because of meds, NOTHING justifies his behaviors. He should be talking to YOU about this and not running to someone else. <P>BTW, biblically YOU are the one that has the right to divorce him, not the other way around. Divorce was only ALLOWED due to hardening of hearts. What a mess. <P>Believe it or not, you and your H can recover from this but it's going to take a long time. Real long time. <P>You're in a tough spot. I'd say revise your Plan A to meet needs the best you can. Take care of your kids. Don't let him treat you poorly. <P>God bless you.<P>SHA

I'm so happy to see the numerous caring responses to your situation. I, too, hurt for you. Have you read ,"Holding on to Heaven, While your husband goes through Hell" by Neal Connie? It's a good read about a pastor's wife and all the turmoil and pain she went through. Try the <christiansuperstore.net> or Amazon.com site to order it. Just a few other books that have helped me a lot in those extreme down times when I sought God's comfort:<BR>Torn Asunder:Recovering from Extramarital AFfairs by Dave Carder (excellent)<BR>When love dies: How to save a hopeless marriage by Judy Bodmer <BR>Loving Solutions by Gary Chapman and<BR>Of, course...Dr Harley's Surviving an Affair.<BR>....You have my prayers. Hurt One in FL

Pastor's wife,

Pastor's wife,<BR>It seems everthing I wanted to say was posted already. I especially agree with neen when she spelled out the process to bring all this to the church's attention. This does need to be brought into the light. The word says, what you do in secret I will expose in light. Or something to that effect. I was never good at the exact words. I too am a pastor's wife, my h was a youth pastor and assistant pastor, he was much loved and respected. Now I have very little respect for him other than in his taking full responsibility for his behavior and his repentance. Lots of people in our church and people in our life know about him and he is paying dearly for his choice. Even with his present behavior, I have a very hard time with his moral failure. I even said in counseling today that I don't know if I can do the Christian family thing with him anymore. It's like I don't want to present this picture that is deceptive. He was out of the ministry when this happened but kept going to church semi regularly. But once a Christian, he had a different responsibility. Especially coming from a leadership position. <P>My story is quite different from yours but we do share the same disappointments in someone we thought was above this. I know they are just men, but the whole spiritual thing sort of sucks you into believing that they are above it. THEY KNOW BETTER, THEY PREACH MORALITY AND INTEGRITY. I too think they are held to a different standard.<P>One thing I have seen recently, is that my h does and did have pain. He had to look himself in the mirror each morning, he had to sleep at night (hardly, he tossed and turned alot ) He has to live with himself now, seeing the destruction. He does have to deal with his own torment, apart from anything I may throw his way. And I do think it must be hard. <P>I don't know if this helps but I think you got alot of good advice here, please think it out and try to find someone you can talk to, it makes alot of difference. We are suppose to carry one another's burdens.<P>I also wanted to say that your church body or organization should be able to provide for you in the event he loses his job, which I believe he should. You should have their support, and you are in school, so it won't always be this way. Keep that up, it helps me to know I have a goal and possibly will be able to take care of me and my children, if I choose to disolve the marriage.<P>I will pray for you.<BR>Crushed.

Pastorswife,<BR>I have been praying for you and your situation. The others have given you some great advice, there really isn't anything I can add, except that I agree with them that his sin should be exposed. Your situation hurt my heart so much, I feel so bad that this is happening to you. Neen's advice to you sounds like the path that you should follow. <P>As a pastor, your husband knows without a doubt that he is in the wrong and is sinning against God, not to mention the hurt and pain he is causing you and your children. <P>Please know we are here for you, and will be praying for you. God bless you. <BR>

Tell him "counseling or the curtain comes up on this sham life we are living. I show your denominational authorities at the local/state/national level the whole ugly truth...I tell the entire congregation the whole ugly truth including ALL of the history of infidelity."<P>"You try seducing women or divorcing me and starting a new life after I get through wrecking your resume and career and sticking you with child support payments. You now have authority and a salary, after I talk you will have neither and no church will hire you and no woman will want you."<P>I've read the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said that I can divorce you for adultery.<P>Counseling or a hard life. Answer me now."<BR>

Congratulations: you are well on your way to thoroughly teaching all four of your kids that women are to be walked on.<P>Do it for their sake.<BR>