I am currently living with my fiancee. We have been together for almost 2 years. We meet over the internet almost a year before we meet. He asked me to marry him in Sept of 99. He also started having an affair in Sept. of 99, while I was taking night classes. The entire time we were planning the wedding and planning our future. I thought everything was perfect. Then I started to notice strange things. Women calling the house to see if he was ok. Him working all night. Him always being online at night or when I was not home. When I questioned him, he made up excuses or made me feel like I had no right to question him. Finally in Dec. I caught him. He had claimed to be at work one night and my grandfather died. I tried to page him 20 or more times to tell him what had happened. I was so upset that he never called me back that the next day I called his employer to find out how to get ahold of him. I was told that he had been off of work on a medical leave for the past 2 weeks. So not only did I look like a fool so did he. <BR>I immediately left work and waited for him to come home. He denied everything at first and was upset with me for checking up on him. But after I refused to give in he finally fessed up almost 6 hours later. He also told me that he had cancer and had been going through kemo for the past 2 weeks. (He felt that he should not tell me this because my Grandfather was dying of cancer.) So not only was I crushed to find out that he had an affair, I also had to deal with the fact that he was sick too. I was so upset that I called the OW. She did not know about me. We had several wonderful discussions. (Which we had until recently when I found out she was lying to me too) I could not believe he was doing this to me. I even found out that he gave her my engagement ring as a gift (he claims there are 2 rings...but she described my ring when she told me about it) while I was trying to take care of my sick Grandfather's affairs the week prior to his death. Before I left he said that he was going to get insurance on it and needed to take it. I was devastated!!! Well it is now the first of Feb. and things are not really getting better. I have decided to give it a try because I truly feel that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Although this last weekend I found out that he is still seeing her...still going over to her house. He claims that he is trying to figure out what is going on in his head. I left one weekend so that he could think about things...He went and saw her. The next weekend we had plans together and all of a sudden the morning of our plans he said that he needed to get away...he went and saw her that night. This past weekend he said that he was going to a bachlor party and he went to go see her. Although she was not there that night and he was all mad when he got home. In Dec. he also was layed off from his job of 9 years as an electrician. He has been out looking for a job but I do not feel that he is looking very hard. He says all the time, that he could get used to this not working thing. So he spends most of his day online and talking to her. He says that he is going on an interview or something else and he goes to her house instead. When I found out this weekend that he was still seeing her I lost it. I was banging the phone and yelling and he actually got up and pushed me away. He has NEVER raised a hand to me before. He actually left a bruise on my arm. I then realized that we were not making things any better on our own. I was ready to give up and have him move out and then move back to my home town when our lease is up in a few months. He refuses to stop seeing her saying that he has friends that she hangs out with and that he will not give up his other friends (Which are all her friends). I am now trying to do everything in my power to win him back. I love this man!!! He is the best thing that ever happened to me no matter what he has done. It is so hard though. He doesn't want to be with me sexually anymore unless he is the one getting the gratification. After he is satisfied it is all done. I am just sitting there waiting to be satisfied, and that is exactly what I do is wait. He doesn't touch me anymore. He doesn't talk to me anymore. He lies to me all of the time. I guess I am just trying to figure out what to do. He swears that he still loves me. That he still cares for me. But he doesn't send me flowers anymore. He doesn't buy me presents anymore. He buys them for her. He deosn't talk to me via the computer anymore either. The thing that I don't understand is she openly admits that she is using him. She tells him that. He knows that she is also engaged. He also knows that she is sleeping with a third man. He claims that he has only slept with her 4 times (and it had nothing to do with the sex) in the 3 months and that he has not been with her sexually since a month before I found out about it. But when he doesn't want me what am I supposed to think? I am so confused right now!!!! He says that he is just not interested in sex anymore, with anyone. I found this website. So far it has been a Godsend. It is finally starting to answer some of my questions. He says that he will look at it too. This is only my second day on the sight. I have ordered some books from here and some from Amazon.com about affairs and how to deal with them. I guess I am just looking for any guidance or words of wisdom from anyone who is willing to share it with me. Sorry about rambling!!!<P>I say these things because he never used to do any of them to me...He was the perfect man. He never was stingy in the bedroom totally the opposite. He never lied to me. He never hurt me. I provoked him pushing me in the first place. He always has worked. He always showed me love and affection. Why can't I have it back??? Why can't things go back to normal??? I have very strong realtionships with his family. I am like their own daughter. I just want to things to go back like they were. Why is that so much to ask? I know that I am not married to him yet but I still feel like we have something worth fighting for. Is that so wrong??? My friends have already told me to leave him and if my mother ever found out she would probablly kill him. But they all say the same thing. We support you in your decision. I love this man so much...Why? Am I just being blind?<BR>

"He says he is trying to figure out what is going on in his head."<BR>Would that be his big one or his little one???<BR>And do you have PROOF that he has cancer?? That would be one bogus lie to throw you off balance and gain your sympathy, but sounds like he's quite the accomplished liar.<BR>I can see being patient, understanding, and forgiving (and Plan A-ing) in most of these cases, but you're not married yet, have no kids (thank heavens), and he doesn't seem the least bit remorseful (or even genuinely conflicted, from what I can see). In my opinion, you need to make him fish or cut bait at this point.

I almost couldn't finish reading your post, but one thought really started to rise to the top - Run, Forest Gump, Run. <P>It seems like this man is too much of an accomplished liar, I wouldn't trust anything he says, and I am not sure that he could ever be accountable enough to earn back your trust. You lived together for a long time before he finally asked you to marry him. And when he does ask, at the same time he starts another relationship - this, to me, seems to make the engagement a manipulation, trying to keep you around, not like it is a true meaningful, emotional, I want you and only you, let's spend the rest of our life together, request.<P>Maybe you should try getting away from it/him for a while, to let your vision clear, help you to become more objective. Try and talk to those you trust , who might know all the details and have an objective point of view to see what they might have to say. Also, don't even bother with him as long as he is keeping in contact with her PERIOD. As long as he can see her and you, why should he change?

<BR><p>[This message has been edited by dzrt (edited February 10, 2000).]