My Dear Friends<P>Things overall have been moving well through Plan A. H has been stopping over once a week when the kids are in school to spend some alone time with me (his Sunday visits, to supposedly see the kids, are mostly spent with me as well). His words of love are very nice to hear and pretty much constant these days. I did cross over into LB territory last Sun. when I asked him how long untill he comes home. His answer was "I'm not sure a week, two weeks, a month, I'm doing the best can." I left his answer alone and just told him I knew he was, as I kissed him softly on the lips.<P>Tues. AM he spent 2 hours with me, and yes we made love. I have decided some of the actions I need to take in my personal situation are become what the OW has been to him. OW are famous for giving their MM love, space, and time. He called 3 or 4 times latter that day just to tell me he loves me and misses me.<P>So fast forward to Wed. 16 yr old daughter had a root canal. 1st ever. Lots of pain and she has a low threshold for pain to begin with. <P>H calls early in the day and we chat I let him know daughter is home and hurting. He calls back later in the afternoon and daughter answers the phone. He told her he would come over that night to bring her Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a milk shake and fries (LOL, funny what teens consider comfort food). He then calls back around 7:30PM telling me he still has a few things to do at work and he'd call when he was on his way over to bring D her food. <P>That was the last we heard from him. No call saying he can't make it. No call to tell D he loves her and that he is sorry for not being able to make good on his promise. No nothing.<P>Around 11:30 D is getting pretty antsy. She wants to know where he is (a question I had no answer for), and would I try to call him (I told her I would not, knowing I might LB all over him *if* he answered). I told her I am so sorry, and that if I had thought for one minute he wouldn't be able to bring her what she had asked for I would have happily gone to get her her food.<P>Midnight she calls his cellphone. It goes right to voice mail (a sign the phone is either shut off or the battery is dead)and she leaves him a message of dissapointment and sadness. <P>She waited up till 2:00AM for her dad. No call, no show. Needless to say she is PI**ED OFF at her dad *BIG TIME*.<P>I know what will happen next. He'll call eventually or show up tonight with the food. But that will NOT make this up to D. He will give excuses of working sooo very late that KK doughnuts was closed, along with every fast food joint, and of course he will say his battery went dead on his phone. ::SIGH::<P>I know my D she is very intense, intelligent, and outspoken. She will ask him if he ever heard of this *new invention* the PAY PHONE. Or if he remembers where she lives and how to get there. That White Castle and Dunkin Doughnuts are both open 24 hours. Or calling first thing in the AM before she went to school (BTW she was so upset and tired this AM I kept her home)to tell her what happened. She'll verbally beat him up pretty bad (not, that he doesn't deserve it). Pretty much, if he is still alive there is no excuse my D will accept.<P>But here's where the problem comes in.....<P>1) Is her acting this way (and I can assure you she will tell him just what she thinks of him when they do finally speak, and it won't be pretty) to her dad a negative thing when it comes to his feelings about moving back home? Or is it another layer of guilt that will make him look even closer at the damage he is doing to his family, and that will make him want to return home even more?<P>2) In the past when the kids have lashed out at him he has expected *ME* to step in and explain him out of whatever he did. His usual words are, "W, come on I need a little help here." If I don't help him out and try to stand up for him he then feels I'm not there for him. If I do I am not only lying to my child (and she will see right through what I am doing and will resnt me terribly for doing this) but really hurting my relationship with my daughter, and for anyone who has teens knows 16 is a difficult age to deal with life in general let alone all the cr*p her dad has been pulling for going on 3 years.<P>3)Should I sit my kids down and explain to them the Plan A business and how I need their help? (this will be tough because I know my 14 yr old does NOT want him back home EVER)<P>So what do I do?<P>1) Threaten daughter to not be mean to her dad? (I doubt even threats will stop her, let alone reasoning)<P>OR<P>Let her speak her mind?<P><BR>2)Stand up for H and help him explain himself out of this?<P>OR<P>Keep my mouth shut and let him deal with the consequences of his actions?<P><BR>3)Tell the kids about Plan A so they can join me in attempts to put our family back together?<P>Or<P>Not tell them knowing they are just kids and shouldn't have to be burdened with this stuff, or expected to do anything other than be themselves, that being teens with attitudes? I always thought teenage years should be the most carefree in ones life, mine were. They should be worried if the hunk who sits next to them in Biology likes them or if their hair looks good, not if Dad is going to break yet another promise and that they need to be nice regardless. My heart aches for my teens.<P><BR>S.O.S.<P><BR>H E L P!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I'm still hoping he comes home before my point of NO RETURN date of March 10th. And I don't want any set backs, but my children are important too!<P>Fingers Crossed<BR>(who doesn't know how much more pain and confusion she can see her children endure before she self destructs ) <P>

Hi. Been there, done that, it's a bear!!!<P>My d is ALMOST 16 and was angry from the beginning. Add a few broken promises (yup - they're always there for a while) and lame excuses and there's the recipe for an explosion.<P>I'm a Plan A diehard. BUT.....his relationship with her is his problem. I tried to explain to her that her dad was "sick" and not thinking the way he used to. I asked for her patience. BUT, I also told her that if she needed to say something to him, she should. And she has. On more than one occasion. He took the heat. I also talked to him and warned him in advance, but told him that he had to understand what broken promises did to a child. He did. He was sorry, and realized he'd have to pay.<P>She stayed angry for a long time. lately, he's been attentive, consistant and reliable. Her anger has faded. She picked out a GREAT v-day card for him and doesn't leave the room when he walks in (yup! It got that bad). They are in the process of building a new relationship. <P>I did what I could to make it easier on both of them, but I did NOT make it all better for him, just took the edge off. Thank heavens, he realized for himself that he had to do this one.<P>Good luck to you. Teenage girls are a joy and a blessing, but BOY .......well, you know. We (they) worked it out. Hope you guys do too.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

FC<P>I think lostva has hit it right on the head!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>1) Threaten daughter to not be mean to her dad? (I doubt even threats will stop her, let alone reasoning) OR Let her speak her mind?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> She’s old enough to know what she is doing. Let her go at it. She has every right in the world to be pissed at him.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>2)Stand up for H and help him explain himself out of this? OR Keep my mouth shut and let him deal with the consequences of his actions?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Absolutely don’t make excuses for him. He is the one who messed up, let him deal with it. But don’t add to it by telling your daughter, “see what kind of a man he is.”<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>3)Tell the kids about Plan A so they can join me in attempts to put our family back together?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Plan A all you want. Plan A is not for the children. Don’t tell them to stifle their feelings for Dad. Perhaps tell them to be respectful. We do want them to grow up healthy. After we get back together with our spouses, then we can be totally open about our feelings (after the marriage is back on track of course). Right now we are kinda sucking it up and not letting everything out.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>