I couldn't believe your story was just like mine! My h was also going every two weeks to see his OW in another country. Even had to take extra flights 'cause she was not in a city he did business in.<P>But he did stop after discovery. I don't know how you guys do plan A. And your comment on another thread also jumped out at me. It was the stress-free time he spent with her.<P>More than making any big changes to myself, I am still experimenting with structural changes so we can have some stress-free time. But it sure is hard with two small kids (and now another one on the way). While I have travelled with him in the past, it was all of us. In November, after discovery, I went with him for the first time with no kids. We had some of that stress-free time after he finished his business during the day.<P>Still looking for ways to balance all the demands on us to maximize our time without hurting the kids in any way.

Dear Schizzo..<BR>I am glad your nightmare is finally over and congratulations about the baby.I am always amazed at the almost uniform behaviour that describes betrayers on this forum.It is almost as if there is a standard form of procedure they go through..I guess human beings all over the world are not as different as we think they are,and our reactions to situations like grief,guilt,anger..etc are pretty predictable. I wish I were a psychiatrist <BR>to deal with my husband in the best way..At the moment I"m utilizing all the power within me to provide him with the love and stress free environment although we both feel a lot of tension..which shall remain until he has the willpower to end his affair.How long did your H continue after discovery?I'm almost certain myH's affair has intensified after D.I just pray to God that a time will come when the toll of travelling and the endless lying will become too unbearable.He is not a selfish or careless person,he cherishes our family and has told me he will never leave me.He admits he got hooked and he doesn't know why..He doesn't even blame it on unmet needs on my part..I have always given him all the affection and attention.I,ve given up on the WHYS and I'm concentrationg on the HOWS..How to bring an end to this crisis...The problem is he has the means to travel and see her as he pleases..And she seems to be content with whatever little time allocated to her..She has declared her love for him,and seems not to mind being in a situation like that...I just wonder for how long before she starts the inevitable trait of all womenhood,asking for committment..at that stage my H will hopefully stay away...<BR>I wonder if you have any tips on how to deal with this...Did you say anything to your H as he went away knowing that he was going to her?Did you get to plan B..something I fear doing because it will mean all the world will know about this and at this stage no one does ,and I intend to keep it that way because I truly believe it'll do more harm than good.....

Dear Schizzo..<BR>I am glad your nightmare is finally over and congratulations about the baby.I am always amazed at the almost uniform behaviour that describes betrayers on this forum.It is almost as if there is a standard form of procedure they go through..I guess human beings all over the world are not as different as we think they are,and our reactions to situations like grief,guilt,anger..etc are pretty predictable. I wish I were a psychiatrist <BR>to deal with my husband in the best way..At the moment I"m utilizing all the power within me to provide him with the love and stress free environment although we both feel a lot of tension..which shall remain until he has the willpower to end his affair.How long did your H continue after discovery?I'm almost certain myH's affair has intensified after D.I just pray to God that a time will come when the toll of travelling and the endless lying will become too unbearable.He is not a selfish or careless person,he cherishes our family and has told me he will never leave me.He admits he got hooked and he doesn't know why..He doesn't even blame it on unmet needs on my part..I have always given him all the affection and attention.I,ve given up on the WHYS and I'm concentrationg on the HOWS..How to bring an end to this crisis...The problem is he has the means to travel and see her as he pleases..And she seems to be content with whatever little time allocated to her..She has declared her love for him,and seems not to mind being in a situation like that...I just wonder for how long before she starts the inevitable trait of all womenhood,asking for committment..at that stage my H will hopefully stay away...<BR>I wonder if you have any tips on how to deal with this...Did you say anything to your H as he went away knowing that he was going to her?Did you get to plan B..something I fear doing because it will mean all the world will know about this and at this stage no one does ,and I intend to keep it that way because I truly believe it'll do more harm than good.....

Dear nabilquad,<P>While it was getting to the point that even dummy me had to wonder if something was going on, I didn't actually find out until he decided to end it and tell me. On his own. It was still very hard, the withdrawal, the lack of closeness...We went to a ballet and saw a very romantic dance, I immediately realized he was thinking of her. The triggers for both of us seemed to be everywhere.<P>I've been reading some of the Plan A discussion threads you posted on. I honestly don't know if I could do it, but then I never thought I could go on in a marriage after infidelity, much less two OWs over 18 months.<P>You didn't answer about going with him. It is very difficult, but could you swing it?

At this stage he wouldn't even take me with him..He has made it clear to me that he is not prepared to give her up yet and has asked me not to put pressure on him..I cannot tell you that I'm not agonizing over this but what other options do I have?I plan to weather the storm for a little longer and hope he'll give her up..<BR>There are days I wish I hadn't confronted him with the affair as perhaps the guilt would have fastened the end of it..but I just felt I was going crazy as I could tell from all the symptoms he demostrated that my instincts did not fail me.I know he is torn inside and has told me so..How long can our lives go on like this?I really wish I had the answers...

Sorry, don't really know what to say. Somehow he has to realize for himself what he needs to do. There are a lot of people on this board in Plan A and I've read some recent success stories.<P>Did he travel a lot anyway? My h said that all the planning he had to do to get tickets etc. added to the fantasy. And that is all it is. Yeah, it's amazing how many women out there will be content with whatever the man will give them. The OW was a college kid. She wasn't pressuring him for anything.<P>Fortunately, he had the sense to see there was no future in it, although he did consider leaving me and moving her here. At least it sounds like your h wants the marriage.<P>You said no one knows, and I understand that perfectly. We've told very few. But is there someone who could talk some sense into him? We were fortunate to have a good friend he respects. He went to seek his advice. The guy didn't freak out at all, and helped him see that there was no future for this. How long before he would tire of being her "mentor"?<P>And he was not only hurting me and the kids, he was hurting the OW. This meant more to him at the time, and it hurts, but I owe that man. You know, whatever works.<P>He finally realized that the Harley "no contact" letter was the best for HER. A clean break so she could move on with her life. And still we had to keep coming back to this point. She will be so hurt, etc.<P>It seems that most of the betrayers who won't stop on this board are not wanting the marriage at all. If your h truly does, is it possible he's trying to let her down slow (work through it)? Or do you think he's just pleasing himself? I think your answer will help you figure out how to act.

I guess it is a mixture of reasons why he refuses to let go..He has a willing Ow who,as you said, is content with this absurd relationship(she is single). He thinks he is in love with her, and I guess is in those heady stages of a new romance .He has told me if a dear friend would come to him with a similar crisis he would tell him It's a no brainer and to go back to his wife...So he knows what to do only does not have the intention of doing so...And this is someone who has never been selfish or cruel in anyway during our marriage.I do not expect any solutions from this forum,it is just a relief to be able to vent....