To: Tech Support<P>Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and<BR>noticed that the new<BR>program began making unexpected changes to the accounting<BR>software; severely<BR>limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications<BR>that operated<BR>flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon<BR>was included in<BR>the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many<BR>other valuable<BR>programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and<BR>OperaNight 6.1 and<BR>installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,<BR>SaturdayFootball<BR>5.0,<BR>Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer<BR>runs, and<BR>invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it<BR>run<BR>DiaperChanging 14.1or houseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running<BR>Nagging 5.3 to<BR>fix<BR>Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited<BR>effectiveness.<BR>Can you help, please!!!!<BR>Sincerely, Jane<P><BR>Dear Jane:<BR>This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is<BR>mostly due to a<BR>primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to<BR>Husband 1.0<BR>with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT<BR>package.<BR>However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by<BR>its creator to<BR>run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge<BR>Husband 1.0 and<BR>return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to<BR>do this. Hidden<BR>operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to<BR>emulate Husband<BR>1.0, so nothing is gained.<P>It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program<BR>files from the<BR>system, once installed. Any new program files can only be<BR>installed once per<BR>year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error<BR>messages are common,<BR>and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some<BR>of their "old<BR>time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work,<BR>some women<BR>have<BR>tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these<BR>women end up<BR>with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in<BR>your manual<BR>under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that<BR>this program<BR>runs<BR>very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I<BR>recommend you keep<BR>Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and<BR>illogical system.<P>Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you<BR>read the entire<BR>section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a<BR>wonderful<BR>feature<BR>of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an<BR>integral part of<BR>the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL<BR>responsibility for ALL<BR>faults<BR>and problems, regardless of root cause.<BR>To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT<BR>YOU LOVED ME".<BR>Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering<BR>the command.<BR>Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and<BR>Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.<P>TECH TIP!<BR>Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create<BR>additional and more<BR>serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I <BR>APOLOGIZE command<BR>before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can<BR>also cause<BR>Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to<BR>Beer 6.0. Beer<BR>6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create<BR>FatBelly files and<BR>SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save<BR>yourself some<BR>trouble by following this tech tip!<BR>Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame<BR>for all GPFs,<BR>but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run<BR>all the<BR>applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program,<BR>but it does<BR>have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.<BR>Consider buying<BR>additional software to improve performance. I personally <BR>recommend HotFood<BR>3.0,<BR>Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these<BR>utilities can really<BR>help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of<BR>use, Husband<BR>1.0<BR>will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded<BR>features such as<BR>FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.<P>A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,<BR>install MotherInLaw<BR>1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause<BR>selective shutdown of<BR>the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and<BR>Hunting 5.2<BR>until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.<P>I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to<BR>install Husband 1.0<BR>and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming<BR>years. We<BR>trust<BR>you will learn to fully enjoy this product!<P>Tech Support<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com

Bear Facts.<P>John was excited about his new rifle, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear. <P>The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." John decided to bend over. <P>Even though he felt sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. <P>The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, John. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."<BR> Again, John thought it best to comply with the mammoth grizzly.<P>Although he survived, it would take several months before John finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.<P>The polar bear said "Admit it, John, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>