Back in July, my wife had to leave for 4 months with the military. Up until the day she left, I thought everything was fine. She was telling me and all her friends we were planning on having another baby when she returned. We have a 4 year old daughter now. We have been married for 5 years in May. For the first month she was gone, her e-mails to me were pretty normal, saying things like "I've been taking a lot of pictures for our grandkids one day." After about a month over there, her e-mails to me started talking about getting separated. Then they just died off, maybe one-liners asking about our daughter. I began e-mailing her my every thought and trying to find out what was wrong, however, she didn't want to talk about it, saying she would talk about it when she got home. When she did get home, she didn't even hug me when she got off the plane. Then a couple of days later, I found a bunch of pictures of her and another guy hugging and kissing. I confronted her pretty calmly about it, but she had no explanation. She later revealed to me there was no sex involved, but that it was a relationship with feelings. Before she returned, I booked a vacation for us in the Bahamas which she went to with me. (I took her anyway). She has been back now for about 2 1/2 months. I have been trying my hardest to make things work out. She still wants a divorce and just tells me to give her more space. I have tried my best to leave her alone, and at one point even offered to move out to give her that space. She said her feelings will just probably get worse if I moved out, so I'm still here. She agreed to go to counseling with me, and the counselor even told her she should cut off all contact with this man. They are not geographically close, but she still communicates with him through letters, e-mail and phone. She recently said the communication between them is almost non-existant, but still exists. In her mind, he's just a friend and has nothing to do with her current feelings. I do understand what happened, especially after reading "His Needs, Her Needs. She was missing affection and especially romance. I have changed a lot since she has been gone, and want to meet those needs more than anything, however, she won't let me get close to her right now. She just hangs out with friends a lot now, because I'm sure they support her, when her parents do not. She is coming up with every little thing I have ever done or not done over the years, even one time incidents (usually pertaining to staying out to late with friends). I have realized my mistakes in the past, but, like I have told her, I can't change the past. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, but I just can't right now, because she won't let me. She is just saying I'm sitting around sad, so she goes out with friends or talks on the phone privately to avoid my sadness. I have told her I would love to work things out, but she says she doesn't want to. I just don't know how much longer I can take living here, pretty much being ignored. I am showing her love in any way I can, without bothering her. I have asked for a chance to show her I can meet her needs, but she just isn't with it right now. She told the counselor I just want her to change her mind and then everything will be o.k. I have explained to her numerous times that is not what I expect and what I'm asking for is a chance to show her how I can fulfill her needs, and work from there, and I know that will even be a long road, but I know I can do it. She is saying she just wants to be single. How is it fair that she comes back, wants to be single, and she assumes she gets custody of our daughter saying "let's remain good friends, and you can see her anytime you want." One thing we agreed on before we got married was that we were both strongly against divorce and would do anything to avoid it. Now she just wants out.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. This is a good place for support, tho. Sounds like she is in withdrawal from an "EA" (emotional affair). It is not unusual for someone in her position to claim that their feelings for the spouse and for the OP (other person) they are "in love" with are separate issues.<BR>Read the infidelity sections on the homepage if you have not already. Read up on Plan A. Good luck!<BR>Kathi

Thin,<P>Sorry about your situation. <P>The thing that strikes me in your post is your statemnt about your W (wife) ASSUMING she gets custody of your daughter.<P>This issue has been on my mind today with other posts here as well. Does she get the kids because she is the female, the better parent!!?<P>Probably a huge LB (lovebuster) but I'd at the very least say something to her now about her attitude regarding custody and "good friendship". No matter what happens to the marriage you should make yourself clear on this issue. Her assumption is NOT the reality.<P>Sorry to be long on this. I also feel your pain when you think back on the promises made specifically regarding divorce. Sadly, she is far away from that time and place right now. Her actions and statements are very, very typical of persons involved in affairs.<P>Read and learn. The good people here will help you out. Take Care.

No, I wouldn't say anything to her about custody or the kids - that would be a huge love buster. Besides, if she ever really did file for divorce, that is the time to make it clear that you get the kids. Start keeping a journal of her daily events, and what she says to you about your relationship, etc. But don't do it out of spite, do it just in case you need it to fight later.<P>Your job is to avoid a fight at all and hopefully burn that journal in the future. Yes, she's saying all those things not because she doesn't love you, but right now she can't afford to allow herself to "feel" that love for you. She has to justify that she had/has feelings for another man by putting you and the marriage down.<P>Now all of this is hard, but for you what I'm about to write makes it even harder.<BR>If you want your marriage to work, you need to start Plan A'ng, meeting any needs she lets you and even those she can't stop you from meeting. Also go out an get a life of your own and stop asking her questions about what she's doing, or pleading, begging. You must love her unconditionally and yet appear as though you'll go on just fine without her.<P>She'll start talking to you eventually.<P>All the best,<BR>SamH

You are an excellent writer, your feelings are so evident.<P>Did you watch your daughter the whole time she was in the military? Maybe this can help you with the custody of your daughter should you want to go that route. If you have done it before, that shows she trusted you enough to do a good job. <P>My H and I said we would NEVER divorce. I guess NEVER SAY NEVER.<P>I can't imagine how someone could walk away from their life like that. Are you positive its over? Most people don't seem to just leave for the sake of leaving, its for the sake of being with someone else. <P>Good luck and God Bless

Thin,<P>When I read your post I thought that I was reading my first one on this site just a few minor differences.<P>Not sure if this will help but here it goes...<P>Was this your W's first TDY or was this just the longest? My W is also military, and because of her "job" she is gone TDY a lot. But it wasn't until the longest one (exact same as your W's) that things started to happen. She had an EA(emotional affair) that turned to a PA(physical affair) three days before she was coming home.<P>Everyone on this site will tell you the same thing, your W is going through withdrawl from an EA. Although it still hurts you, consider yourself lucky it wasn't a PA.<P>As far as the wanting to be single thing goes... Military TDY's are hard to handle. First the Mil. person is seperated from loved ones, which causes a great deal of emotions to run high. Second, and which I know was a factor in my W's affair is the "singles lifestyle". When you're TDY what do you do? There's not a whole lot to do, depending on where you are.<P>When your not on duty, you hang out with "friends". Other than duty you have no responsibilities. You don't have to worry about money(Gov. Card),you don't have to worry about cleaning your house, going grocery shopping,or taking care of a family.<P>Look at it, that's a "single" lifestyle. It's really easy to get caught up in all of that. And I know this because my W admits that, that was one of the contributing factors.<P>Another important one is that your W was seperated from you and your child. You have to know that made her emotions REAL high. She became emotionaly vulnerable. The men (how ever immature they are)that are there on the TDY's are really good at playing these emotions that they see in the women. <P>My W found out(the hard way), that people she thought were really friends before going TDY have totally different goals in mind once they get to their destination. Sure, they're going to be there to offer support when your W if feeling down and depressed about being over seas. And they are going to try their hardest to "fill the gaps" of what you can't do because of the distance that seperates you.<P>My W admits that this is what happened with her and OM. And she actually quit caring for me as a husband. She told me that. She also told me that she actually cared more for OM than for me. She didn't want to do it but, that's the way it worked out. She now realizes that she made a BIG mistake, and that the only guy that really cared about her was me, because if OM had actually cared, he would not have even made an attempt at her knowing that she was married.<P>With that insight of how military A's happen so easily, let me give you the best advice I have ever been given here at this sight: <P> Be the BEST husband you can be!!! Become a new man. Show her how much you really love her. Fill out the emotional needs worksheet on this site. And Plan A until the end!!<P>Your W should turn around. I didn't think there was ever going to be a chance of rebuilding my marriage, but my wife and I are.<BR>Remember we are all here for you anytime you need us! And through these posts you will get the best information and support you will find anywhere.<BR>Hang in there! It's a bumpy ride, but worth it!<P>JW<P>Thin, I can't belive this!!! Just looked at your profile, we're from the same AF base!!! Your W and mine were probably on the same TDY. Let's talk! jwarn@earthlink.net<P>[This message has been edited by JW (edited February 08, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by JW (edited February 08, 2000).]

Welcome <B>thin</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>If custody of you daughter is important to you... post again on it... there is plenty of advice here for you.<P>Do <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>Jim