Please, Please, don't give in to your need for OM. I know he makes you feel good, and you need that right now, but isn't that why our spouses left. I'm not being judgemental(even tho it sounds like it) but my girlfriend almost did the same thing, saw an old boyfriend and he made her feel beautiful, sexy, wanted & needed. She could have easiley have done it, but thank the good Lord she didn't. Her and H are working on the marriage now, she wasn't even sure she loved H anymore. Now things are working out but even if they hadn't she would have felt some loss of self esteem. I have been tempted too, none of my emotional needs are being met right now I'm so lonley and hurt it would be so easy to turn to another man... but I only want H. now maybe I'm an idiot,(yes) but I keep hoping and praying that H will come back to me and want me again, but i'm also fully aware that he most likely won't. I would wait untill things were completely over with H before you even entertain those thoughts again. OK now I'll get down off my soapbox which I used to get down off my High Horse.... <P>------------------<BR>Peg

Peggy,<P>Thank you for your honest reply. The main reason I admitted it was to see the thoughts on it. <P>I keep looking for other people on here who are going through this, but maybe I need to do a new post.<P>I just can't see how some people on here can wait and be treated poorly for one and two years. Don't you feel that the betrayer is going to think he is having his cake and eating it too? If H knows I am sitting here waiting and crying and doing nothing, he is going to think I am desperate. He already does, he told me so.<P>I haven't seen OM since, but thought of him. I guess I have to wonder what the odds are that I ran into him and if this is all happening for a reason. It doesn't help that my H is filing for a divorce after 5 weeks of being out of the house. He claims he is going to marry her and have kids with her. The plot just thickens. A few days ago,he loved me and coming home, its been a good week that he has maintained he is chosing her and not me and its over. <P>I don't see how I can save the marriage at this point. I am extremely confused and can't even think straight. <P>I don't know how long this post was up, I just discovered I could change to another page and find more topics today. So if this reply is late, I appologize.<P>

<BR>lonelymom,<P>I have to agree with Peggy on this. Stay away from the OM. If there's *any* chance of saving your marriage, *you* will have to be the one who carries the extra weight right now. If you allow yourself to get distracted, and focus your emotional energies elsewhere, nobody will be left to attend to the marriage. Worse, for precisely the same reasons that your husband's affair will eventually crater, *your* relationship with the OM will crater, too. And then you'll have twice the wreckage to sift through. An affair is hard enough on a marriage. My guess is that the number of marriages that survive two affairs at once is basically zero, unless there's a marital arrangement already in place.<P>As far as your night with the OM, I believe you when you say it was about having needs met and not about revenge. But be careful when and how you break this information to your husband - because the fact is, it really does LOOK like a revenge affair. I think many people would find it harder to forgive a revenge affair than a "normal" affair. This is because there is the perceived element of premeditation inherent in a revenge affair; it looks like you *meant* to inflict the maximum amount of pain possible on your husband.<P>As far as sex differences in dealing with infidelity go, women are more distressed by emotional infidelity, and men are more distressed by sexual infidelity. The usual explanation is that women are distressed by emotional infidelity because of a perceived threat of a loss of resources. Men are threatened by sexual infidelity because of a threat of mispaternity. At least that's the sociobiological explanation.<P>My own view is somewhat different, and its based on the notion that the final decision to engage in sex is almost always made by the woman. I think what's going on is when a man betrays a woman, the woman can defend her ego by declaring "Its only about sex," and for some women, this statement is actually true. But when a woman betrays a man, he's stuck concluding that all the energy he spent coaxing his wife into mating with him has now been devalued. Either the OM is such a stud that she'd throw away an entire relationship just to have such a roll in the hay, or she *really loves* the OM, or he entirely miscalculated and married a sl*t. Notice there's no statement analogous to "its only about sex" available for the man. That's why, IMO, men react more negatively once an affair has been sexualized.<P>Bystander

Bystander,<BR>

Bystander,<P>I appreciate your honest opinion. I have some kind of guess you are a man. If not you understand men awful well. I do wonder why men would see it in that double standard, why it is so hard for them to forgive "a second affair" as you put it, technically , is/was it?? I guess I wonder why he expects me to forgive and understand . In my case, my H is severly messing with my head. Over the past weeks, he has been up and down every day. Today I was told it was over and divorce was coming. I can't think too much on it til I get papers, or I will drive myself nuts. He left me with ALL the premarital bills, no child support, no money, stold the tax return and claimed the kids without me, now I Owe 4K to the IRS also and have no money for a lawyer and he got a 4K tax refund. I have been raked through the coals for doing nothing but love my H for 10 years through so much stuff I can't mention. And I got dumped for OW who appears to be carefree, doesn't pay bills on top (easy going as he puts it), likes to have fun (he takes her out every weekend, I begged and got nothing). He pays her bills and cares for her son. It is pathetic.<P>I was in severe pain at the time. I still am. STrange thing, I haven't given that night a lot of thought just yet. I trust the opinions that it will hit me. I will be honest when it does. But it is the first time I am able to eat and hold down food since xmas day. I lost way too much weight and have cried for weeks. I know it was wrong. But strangely enough, I am not feeling funny about it. I was honest with my OM that I am married, not sure what I want, or what H wants and I could make no promises, committments, or expectations. He was OK (sure he was, he's a man) about it, but we had a special relationship before, very open, no secrets, just based on good friends first. The strange thing is this... If I saw him six months ago and I was married, I could have kept walking, although he would have been on my mind for a while. Now today where I am at, I was able to do what I did. What do you think that means?? I hope I didn't "use" him is this considered a "rebound"?? This is all new to me, remember I am only 27 and been in a 10 year relationship, that had about a 9 month "break half way through" but we still were connected that whole time. SO I don't have a lot of experience with relationships in the nineties, dating, protection, a lot of this is so new, I feel like a teen ager.<P>Thanks again to all for your honesty and at least not abusing me in the process!! (Please I have been abused enough this month!!)

Havn't been around for a couple of days. Yes I do feel like some are being doormats and spouse is having the cake thing. I will probably fall into that ?trap? My H hasn't left yet(says hasn't had time to find a place) Well he sure found time to have an affair!! I don't want him to leave,But I asked him to. I have been trying for almost 2 yrs. to keep this marriage going but I've been doing it all alone. He wants to go but was just waiting for me to get strong enough to say GO. Well I'm acting strong but I to am always on the floor crying, I am doing what i feel is Plan A, my friends say I'm crazy. My H is a very caring guy and I don't think he would do the things your H is doing, but hey I didn't think he'd do this to me either. I would take him back in a minute,but I feel that once he's gone he'll never come back and that is why I held on to trying to make this marriage work.<BR>I just today went to counseling thru his insurance, 5 free visits, (so I was very lucky in that,) she told me to find a Lawyer so I checked the site NSR suggested and got a list of names to call, I am to find out if any will give me a free consultation??? I guess I will have to do alot of calling. Is there Legal Aid where you are? Some place to go for free Legal advice? If your H is not giving you child support he can be taken to court and made to pay. Isn't that what that new Clinton bill was about. I know nothing about all this because it's all so new to me. Anybody out there that can give this beautiful young women some legal advice?<BR> Like all(maybe just some) of us Betrayed, our Self esteem is at an all time low or gone and we need some help.<BR> We need all the help and advice we can get. Please let us know how it is going... I have often wondered why (I mainly) we still love our spouse after all they have done??????? <BR> <P>------------------<BR>Peg<p>[This message has been edited by Peggy (edited February 08, 2000).]

Bystander:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My own view is somewhat different, and its based on the notion that the final decision to engage in sex is almost always made by the woman.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How very Thomas Hardy!<P>JUDE THE OBSCURE, chapter 22. The speaker is Sue Bridehead:<P>"...for no average man - no man short of a sensual savage - will molest a woman by day or night, at home or abroad, unless<BR>she invites him. Until she says by a look `Come on' he is always afraid to, and if you never say it, or look it, he never comes."<P>And thus endeth your literary reference for today.

Dazed and Confused,<BR><BR>Thanks for the literary reference. But all kidding aside, I think its really true that the final call whether to sexualize a relationship is made by the woman. This is a power differential favoring women, and I think it explains a lot of why men are more distressed by sexual infidelity, as I noted above. Obviously, once a couple is married, the final decision whether to have sex is made by the low-desire partner, for the most part. This is probably more often women than men as well (men report sexual needs as being more important than women do, for instance).<BR><BR>Bystander

Peg <P>Thanks for replying again. I know you are worried about him "leaving the house" and thinking he won't come back once he does. Try not to put such a burden on yourself like that. I know its possible he won't come back, and for you I hope that he will. MY H and I split up about five years ago for one year. I felt that dread, oh my God now he's gone, he'll never come back. I begged, prayed, pleaded, NOTHING came of it. I finally gave up (like a PLAN B but didn't know it back then)I stopped calling him, I actually felt I had fallen out of love with him. I would say compared to this forum's terms, I was on Plan A six months and Plan B six months. At the end of a year, he did miss me greatly and beg to get together. I refused for another 3 months. His suicide attempt roped me into counseling, and we ended up falling in love all over again. The point is this. I didn't know about Plan A or Plan B. But from what I went through years ago, I can see and do believe with all my heart this is a good system. Trust in God that this will all be OK. Hopefully in the end, he will return a stronger, more faithful, committed H that you will completely adore. <P>I did find a legal aid in my town. I have called it for five weeks, can't get through. I am keeping on it though. My H has a ton of money from a fraudulent tax return that he is using to "get me". I will be posting a new topic today, so you can watch for it.<P>Good luck and try not to let those tears get to you too much. I know, I've been there. I know exactly how it feels and its the worst.<BR>Prayers with you.<P>