Bump for some help.



Im sure most of you think this isnt worth fixing due to our age and no kids, but I love my Wife and wanting to change myself, and im getting professional help with medication cause I need to do it for myself and for my marriage. I love my wife and am in this for the long run again.

I am by no means an expert - but have you read up on Plans A/B yet? If not, you need to, since you are more likely to get help from people on these boards if it looks like you are working a plan. Stopping the steroids and getting on meds is a good first step, and necessary, but it is just that, one step.

What is your Plan A?

Steroids stopped in Oct. Yes the medicine has helped me greatly! I have been reading on here for over a week ALL day long cause its all I have to do at the moment. I also read a ton over a year ago, Im going to start reading my SAA book I have.

Right now I plan NOT to beg,whine,cry for my W back like I did last time, shes falling head over heals for this OM who is 7 years older and is into drugs, but hes VERY charming.

I am taking this day by day to better MYSELF and change my bad habbits, I have mood swing issues that I am dealing with and can tell a great change with this medication I am on. I am not sure on if I should contact my W or not? Shes living at home, im staying in our old apartment, and she see's and talks to the OM a lot. Right now its just an EA.

Also confused about spending christmas with her. She told me she doesnt want me to be alone since my parents just moved out of state, I dont wanna sit there like a bump on a log @ christmas just cause she feels sorry for me. But at the same time I believe it will be a great opportunity to deposit in her love bank. Shes not angry at me like last time, shes calm and collective while talking to me, as am I when I do.\



Thank you for your post.

Yesterday you said:



Then you said:




Now here are two quotes from your thread from a year ago, December 2007.







So you really already knew the danger of steroids because you tried them before. Yet you decided to go on them again.

Last Fall/Winter you said:











Notice the above words in bold print you said last year. Now here is what you said yesterday:




Your wife wasn’t totally safe with you, was she? You continued to abuse her through this past year. You did nothing to protect your wife and rebuild your marriage.

You continued your wayward attitude of entitlement.

Last December you said:















What have you been doing this past year, Zach, to become that better man?

I understand.


I did try steroids again and yes it was another huge mistake. With my temper thats probably about the worst thing I could have done. I agree with you my wife wasnt safe with me when I was using them.


I beleive I found a BIIIG issue with our R. I finally realized I have some issues as far as my mood swings and behavior at times, I go back and forth sometimes on how I act.I will be very plesant one day then ill the next. I have seeked professional help and I was in denial for a long time on this. It finally came as a realization to me and I am taking medication daily for this and seeing a doctor regularly. I am going to help myself first and be a better person. I hope one day my W will be able to join me. Ive leared a lot in the past year, I did repeat a big mistake which could possibly messed up my final chance.

Im willing to suffer what I have caused. I hate to say though, this OM is worse than me. I work with him and known him for years, I also fear for her with him.



I will admit as far as me doing things to be a better man, I could have done better. Like I said in my paragraph before, I have some issues mentally I need to take care of to actually change, I am taking medication for it and I am noticing a difference and family and co workers have commented as well on it. I hope this helps a lot, im starting my SAA book now and gathering tons of knowledge on this site. I hope I can get the support I need to recover for MYSELF, and hope in the future my W will join me.

I know its tough to support somoene like me with such a bad past and being a WH. My W really beleives shes not doing anything wrong. She still told me today I could spend christmas with her, how should I do this?


Thanks SMB.

Last year on your thread:








You are a serial cheater who has never been faithful to this girl.

So what have you done this past year to change your ways?

Zach, you have abused this poor girl throughout your entire relationship. Once she decided she didn't want that anymore, you came here to find out how to win her back. You used Plan A techniques to lure her back to her abuser. And she, being the typical abuse victim, returned.

Please do not ask this board to help you lure her back to be abused again.

If you are ready to get serious about becoming a man of integrity, everything you need to know is on your old thread.

Go back and read it.

I spent many hours posting to you last year. Posting constructive ways for you to become a better young man. Once you won your victim back, you did nothing else.

When you had a bonus and was wondering what to do with the extra cash, I suggested an MB weekend to get your marriage on track TO PREVENT YOU FROM BEING WHERE YOU ARE NOW!

You bought a dog instead.




I would be thrilled to see you change...in a positive direction.

But I will not enable you to abuse (emotionally, verbally, or physically) your young wife.

I agree with you, I got her back and THOUGHT everything would be ok when I never changed, and I do think some of it was out of my control. Like I said I have some issues I am getting some help fore which caused a lot of problems for us. I have a bad temper which I lashed out at her with abusive ways, I have seeked help and admitted to everyone, family, workplace ect. and currently taking meds for it.

Im glad you would like to see me change, as well as I and my W would weather we work this out or not.

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that my actions had consequences. Consequences that seemed to harsh where a marriage was concerned.

I don't know if G-d is punishing me or not by not bringing my WH home because of how I hurt him. What I had to do was accept that possibility and concentrate solely on becoming the person G-d envisioned for me.

Until I truly heal, become healthy and can be entrusted with my H, then I don't have a prayers chance of him coming home.

Now, most would argue that I didn't cause my WH to have this A, and certainly to abandon his children, what I do KNOW is that I didn't give my best in my M because I took it for granted.

Your wife has the RIGHT to be safe in G-ds world. I would humbly suggest you take care of yourself, get healthy, get your meds straightened figure out how to NEVER hurt her again and then pray with all your heart and soul and ask G-d for a chance to safely place his child, your W in your life.

Stop worrying about your W... You can't control, fix and take care of her until you heal and become a H that is safe and walking in G-ds path.

Good luck to rising to the occasion and becoming the man G-d needs you to be.

Amen.

I do pray for those things, I pray for g-d to change me and for me to become a better husband for my W if she returns. I hope one day he sees my changes and decides I am ready to move on with my M. Only time will tell.


I do need some advice. Like I said on the Christmas thing, what should I do? She doesnt want me to spend it alone, should I call her on Christmas Eve and ask if she still wants me to join her on christmas day? Rem. Last week she said she took me back and we had 3 great days and sex until the OM contacted her again. She is "confused" and "doesnt know what she wants right now".

G0d bless

I don't know why you thought that because several people posted to you repeatedly warning you that you had to start working on yourself and your marriage.

You just wanted to lure your wife back so you could have what you wanted.

Zach, that is not love. That is selfishness and entitlement.

And here you are again asking for help in luring your wife back.

What is your motive?

Is it to love your wife?

If so, then leave her alone and work on you.

I don't mean for a few days or a few weeks. I am talking about months or years to get yourself into shape emotionally and spiritually. Your physical shape means nothing if you are emotionally abusive and spiritually bankrupt.





Like I said over and over last year, it doesn't matter what she wants or what you want. What matters is DOING THE RIGHT THING and BECOMING A MAN OF INTEGRITY.

Hi Zach,

I haven't ever posted to you but I remember your thread last year...

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I wholeheartedly agree with everything SMB is saying to you.

Given all that you have been through and how the cycle seemed to repeat itself, maybe you ought to take a huge step back, focus on yourself and put the M completely on the back burner until you have taken a considerable amount of time to work on these serious issues you have outlined.

Good luck.

Zach,
Unfortunately, I agree with SMB as well. The problems that you suffer from now are basically identical to the problems you related in last year's thread. Maybe you didn't cheat on her recently at the beach (or wherever you said you went), but you also don't have the greatest track record of honesty to us on that front either.

If you truly love your wife, I think its time to temporarily let her go. You are quick to criticize the OM as an angry, violent, drug user, but the same can be said about you as well. Maybe you aren't as bad as him, but the lesser of two evils is still evil, right? Are you man enough to admit that while she is not safe with OM, that she is also not safe with you? If you really love her, first and foremost you should want to protect her, even if it is from yourself.

The problems that you are now getting help and medication for will not disappear over night. For your own growth as a person and a husband, can you admit that you should probably be alone while you take the time necessary to REALLY get better? Is it fair to try to entice your wife back into an emotionally charged, and potentially violent, situation when you have just barely embarked on the path of personal recovery?

If you really are bipolar, you need to learn to manage it until its management becomes second nature, like breathing. You need to do that so you can be sure you can fulfill your duty as a husband to protect your wife. One of the hardest things about growing up is realizing you don't get an unlimited number of chances to get it right. Sometimes you just have to accept that things end and you pick yourself up and try to learn from your mistakes.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I just don't think you are ready or capable to have a real marriage. Fix yourself and maybe she'll give you another shot in the future.

I will have to agree with you SMB.

I was so caught up in my emotions all I wanted was her back, the easy way. I was so caught up I tried to make myself beleive it would be ok. We all knew that wasnt true.

I can say im taking it very well this time around, my meds I think have a lot to do with that as well. I am feeling better about myself day by day.


I am letting my W go. Spending this time for me and only me.


I am happy I have admitted my Issue and seeking help. Now I have a long ways to go, one step at a time.

Its tough not to focus on the OM when I work with him and we come in contact a few times daily. We see eachother most of the day, I cannot leave my Job due to my Financial state. I havent spoken a word to him, it does hurt when I see him on the phone knowing its probably my W hes talking to, im learning to block it out.

So true, I am not better than he is, only difference is hes on drugs. She doesnt beleive him anyway even though he spent $1800 on coke 2 weeks ago. Oh well im sure she will figure out the hard way.

I do agree I need to take this time alone to better myself and issues. I can say im starting to feel better about myself day by day, i dont feel like an uncontrolable animal anymore at times. No it is not fair for my W to be drug back into the pain shes been through in the past.


Thank you