I really need some advice on what to do with my marriage. The background: I met my current husband about 3 years ago. I was introduced to him by a friend. My husband is from a Muslim country that is located in Central Asia. He is a businessman and had a lot of different businesses over the years. Even though he resided in Central Asia, he came here at least once a year or more and stayed with friends.

I knew he wanted to live here eventually as the corruption where is from is difficult to handle. Every time he came here, he took me out and was always very generous and I had the impression that he was doing well financially.

This year he came in March and proposed to me. I initially refused as I saw him as a friend and not much more. He offered to make my life easier by promising to support me financially, pay my mortgage and household expenses, to help me take care of my son, to be there for my family and such. The more I thought about it, considering how overwhelmed I felt, being a single parent and self employed, I eventually agreed.


We got married in May, he moved into my house and things were great for a awhile, he was loving, attentive and generous. His oldest son stayed with us for the summer and then left to go study in IL. His son is on a student visa and my husband has to pay for his schooling. In addition he also has another 4 children, elderly parents and sisters that he supports financially.

One of his goals was to bring his other 16 year old son to also study here and move here. In that culture the males are supposed to decide everything and the wife just goes along with it. The respect for the elders and your father is very important and my husband still does what his father tells him to do. So his father decides that his 18 year son, who is studying here in IL needs to get married.

The wedding is set for Dec 27th. My husband left on August 16th to go back there to make the arrangements for the wedding and to see his family. He told me that he was leaving for 20 days tops and ended up not coming back for a month and a half. During that time I was very upset and unsettled, but knowing that he would react negatively if I expressed my anger, I tried by best to deal with it in a calm matter. He promised to send me money to pay the bills in the amount of $2,000 and for two weeks it didn't come until I broke down crying on the phone, talking to his son. He then sent it by Western Union.

He wasn't giving me an explanation for why he was changing the flight to come here and saying that he will tell me once he is here. His son then explained that he needed to stay till the 20th of Sept because it was 1 year since his sister died. He then said that when he called back home again, his grandpa told him his father left to Turkey and is on his way here. It bugles my mind why he wound't call me to tell me when he is leaving and give me a clear explanation for his plans. He just thinks I have to wait and put up with what he decides and that’s what being a good wife is all about, you don't question. He also has a habit of planning something, like an appointment and not showing up and not calling if it’s inconvenient or something has changed. It really drives me crazy, because I feel it’s disrespectful.


Anyway this was our first major conflict. He flew to Chicago from Istanbul and called me right away but said that he would leave and drive to MN the next day. Well, he didn't come until a day later and didn't call until he was already here. I was so hurt and frustrated and he got mad and upset because he felt I wasn't waiting for him.


We tried to move past it and he started looking for something to do here but since English is not his first language and he is not fluent, he was having a problem finding a job. It has always been a problem for us to talk openly because when I tell him I upset by something he does, he feels attacked and as though I am scolding him, even though we never really had a fight and the most I have ever done is become withdrawn.

Little by little he starts dropping hints like" You are not with me because of the money, right? If I run out of money, would you kick me out? And such" I started worrying a little and I noticed he wasn't depositing money in the account as before. He paid the mortgage and the bills for October and we had a trip planned to Florida for Oct 31st with another couple.

As we were getting ready to leave I started getting worried about the mortgage payment that was due on Nov 1st, when I asked if he was going to make me beg him for money he just smirked and said we wont be here on the 1st anyway. Obviously I have to pay the mortgage regardless of where I am so this was really bothering me, because I felt he promised me something and I was letting the ball drop at work, due to trying to please him by cooking meals, ironing his shirts, etc and relying on him for financial support.

I had just paid $2,000 in property taxes and my credit cards and was getting s worried about having to come up with more $$ for the mortgage. Nevertheless we go to Florida and I cry on the plane and on the way to the condo that we rented due to feeling stressed. He doesn't ask me anything, and doesn't offer a lot of comforting.

The first day we were there it was fine, we had great sex. It wasn't until a couple of days later when we went into town with out friends that we had a fight. My husband has a habit of escaping when he doesn't feel good around someone, he tries to avoid contact. We were just walking around this pretty area with shops and stopped at an ice cream parlor, he saw on my face that I was not feeling good emotionally and I guess he felt threatened or displeased.


As we continued on our walk, my friends stopped to look in one of the shops and he just kept on walking and not paying attention to us. It wasn't until 30 mins later that he called me to find us. I was upset with his behavior and when we got in the car I said that I didn't come here to walk by myself. That caused him to blow up and combined with the fact that I asked my girlfriend to buy some wine and gave her my credit card, instead of asking him to buy it, that really did it.

When we got back to the room, he started saying he wishes he was dead and that I tried to show everybody that he is a cheap jerk and that he has not been working in 6 months and is feeling pressure to pay the bills, and he doesn't see his children months at a time and on and on and on.

For the next few days, he continued to withdraw from me and act very cold and throw out resentful remarks toward me. He wasn't even approaching me sexually, I initiated twice and we did have great sex but hardly any intimacy would remain afterwards. I am a person for whom it is very difficult to feel that type of coldness and I was doing my best to remain calm and try to have fun. The tension was terrible and it seemed that no matter what I did he would find fault with it. Like when I just wanted to get out of the house to escape the tension so I used the excuse to go buy vodka for my friend, he made a comment that it was more important than to buy him medicine for his hemorrhoids, even though the night before I had suggested to go to the pharmacy several times and he refused.


The last day we were there I was so overwhelmed with the negativity that I forgot the time our plane was departing and we missed it. We stayed another night and got a hotel room, one for all four of us. My girlfriend wanted to go pick up a pizza, I drove. Her husband called and said that my husband didn't want anything and proffered to go out somewhere so we decided to pick up the pizza just for them and come back. When we arrived, my girlfriend's husband said" Why didn't you get your hubby anything, don't you care about him" I said "You called and said he didn't want anything" He then starts yelling at me and saying that I wasn't there and I am twisting everything. Meanwhile my husband didn't interfere, didn't protect me, instead was looking at me angrily and said "She could care less"


I couldn't take it anymore, I stormed out and rented another room and spend the next 3 hours just crying. The next day we all met at the lobby and went to the airport, he was cold again and when he leaned against the seat in front of him it looked like there were tears on the seat cover. When we got back home, he gave me the keys back and packed his suitcase and left. He said he was going back home.


He moved into his condo that he had purchased here last year and every convo we had during the two and a half weeks after the trip he kept saying "we are just too different, I can't adjust to your "American personality", I can't continue with the financial obligations, you can't deal with me having to go back there, you can't go and stay with me because of work, talking about my children makes you nervous, you wouldn't get along with my parents and on and on"


He suggested we get a divorce but when I came over to drop off some stuff at his place, he made me lunch, saw that I wasn’t wearing my rings, took his off in front of me, played me a song about a breakup and was acting depressed overall. I knew he was planning to leave to go back to Central Asia and was afraid he would leave and I didn’t have the divorce papers signed. He told me to use his credit card to pay for the divorce papers; I used some online stuff that ended up charging his card but not giving us anything. I tried to have the money credited back and found out his son called the credit co and said it was a fraudulent charge and he didn’t know who used the card.

Meanwhile I find out that another one of my husband’s sister dies, I felt so awful I called him and asked him to come over. I made his favorite meal and we talked, he opened up a little and told me he had a dream about her and that he was afraid of what would happen to his mother, enduring so many losses in the last couple years. He then wanted to leave; I hugged him and kissed him. A couple of days later I sent him a text asking why his son said he didn’t know who made the charges on his card.


Here is the reply I got from him:”:" I am just in the mood to listen to complains. My son tried to correct one of my hundreds of mistakes, in the amount hundreds of times less than what you bestowed on me and in the end you still threw me out. He will get punished but I don't understand, are you worried about my $149 or are you just worried because you used my credit card? Or maybe you started believing in God? You knew that I have such
tragedy in my life (sister's death) and you still don't think its enough, you want me to die? You have already decided everything and I am not complaining to anybody about you. Who are we here, in this country, please leave us alone.”


I sent a text back saying:” I see that no matter what I do, with the best intentions, you see me as the devil, I won’t bother you, and just let me know when you can sign the divorce papers”. I then didn’t hear from him until I sent him a message a couple of days later, saying I need him to meet me to sign the papers. He replied very politely and we met on Nov 23 and signed everything. He looked disturbed and we were both upset and withdrawn. He just asked me after signing:”Is this it, we are no longer husband and wife” I mumbled something about having to file the papers with the court and we went our separate ways without saying goodbye. He is now gone back there again. Now what? I have been hanging on to the papers and haven’t filed them. Sorry it got so long.

... and you haven't filed the papers because?

Because I hate to go through divorce again, because it feels like we haven't really worked on our relationship.It is just a shock to me.

*sigh*

okay, just asking.

My opinion, I don't see the point in working on this marriage. If you had kids together, if you both lived in the same place, shared the same values about marriage and family, it might be worth a try. You are from completely different cultures, his culture is shaped by his religious beliefs which are very different from those of the Western hemisphere.

Decent sex isn't enough to build a marriage on. You have put more than enough time and energy into this relationship. It isn't a fatal mistake, it doesn't mean you are incapable of love. It just means you caught on quickly that it isn't really working.

Don't you want a full-time husband who adores you someday? One who won't run back to his distant country when things get tough?

I am not sure if six months is enough time to determine if we could make it work.

Not to be mean, but if it did not work in the FIRST six months, it is unlikely that it will work... I would file the papers, label the marriage as a mistake, and move on....

It sounds like you married a security blanket.

You didn't love him in March, you certainly are not in love him now.

You married him so that you could be...

What's not to love about that? Sorry, I don't see anything good coming out of this "marriage". Rely on yourself. Get divorced before this marriage produces a child.

I don't think you are being mean, you have to understand that the issue is I don't know if it could have worked since we didn't give it a chance. It wasn't like we had unresolvable differences that went on for a long time.

Yes I did marry him because I wanted to settle and for financial security but I do love him.Is that wrong? And why did you put the word marriage in quotation marks? You don't like the fact that financial security was a consideration for me?

I can only echo the responses that you received on the EN board.

The two of you are incompatible.
You are from two completely different cultures.
You married for money, not love.
He married you for ??? an extra person to support on top of his 5 kids, sisters and elderly parents??? Does he have a wife overseas too??
A huge part of his life remains on the other side of the world, including his children. He must travel there often.
He hasn't had a job in 6 months (since you got married?)
You both continue to build debt while he is unemployed.
You wanted him to support you yet he moved into YOUR house with his son.

You are last on his list of obligations to support. His blood family overseas comes first. Take care of yourself and your son and try not to incur debt on H's behalf.

Also, if you think half of your debt is his because you are married, then half of your assets are also. That logic works both ways. You supported yourself six months ago, do it again.

Cut your losses, chalk it up to bad decision making and move on.