Catperson - your mom sounds AWESOME. How lucky you are to have that kind of example.

Ban52 - I'm 51 and in Plan B on my second marriage. I've had those thoughts. BUT - and its a big BUT - women who separate or are widowed or are divorced around our age are just as likely to rediscover themselves and define themselves as "happy" a few years later than not. Actually, more likely. There's about 25 years of research showing that men in their 40's and 50's are happier when they're married and women are happier when they're NOT!! I know it is hard to believe that when you're in pain and are scared, but there's a whole world out there - and inside - for you to discover. You're on a journey now that has got to be about you - becoming the person you want to be. That's more likely to recover your marriage and more likely to lead you to happiness without it - both at the same time.

Hang in there.

It has been a bad weekend, no sleep.

I did receive my book in the mail surviving a divorce and I am working on PLAN A - I just hope it is not too late after 7 months.

H is coming over for Xmas Eve and Christmas. H asked me if I wanted to go and see a movie together over the holidays.

I am trying to not get my hopes up to high. I am worried that one day he will call and say it is over.

We both agree to stop the arguing!

Okay this is great. So read read read! Have you gone to the back of the book and taken the Emotional Needs questionnaire yet? You need to take this test AS IF you are your H so you can determine his needs. Be very honesty with it so you can meet those needs with precision. I would do that now, that way any interactions can be strong Plan A interactions, then go back to where you left off and don't skip ANYTHING. Then if you don't mind post those 5 needs here so we can help you.

Heck yeah girl go to the movies!!! Let it be a kick butt Plan A date! :twobyfour: NOW REMEMBER THIS.....NO NO NO :twobyfour: talking about the relationship, the OW or what he is going to do. You promise me NOW Ban that you are not going to do that. Its needy and not confident and he needs to see you as confident. Plus talking about this drains the Love Bank. Ok have you pink swore to me yet?? I am going to come back here and ask ya too! Ok I am kidding but really I want you to do well in your Plan A so please do not do those things okay?

Ok look its not too late if he has invited you to the movies. Grab yourself by your britches girl and lets do this!!!! Shoot go get a rocking hair doo a cute outfit smell good and be cheerful and really try to enjoy the date.

And as far as the age thing goes, I understand how hard that may be, but age sometimes is in the mind. My pastor taught this brilliant message on the feminine nature. He explains how sometimes, not always, but sometimes when you see these men go for younger women its not necessarily because its a physical thing. He says that men are attracted to the bubbly effervescent nature and way of a woman and sometimes as women get older they get so serious and they lose that part of a woman, and they become masculine. This may or may not pertain to you but what I am getting at is don't let the age thing define you as a woman. Its hard in our society but find out who you are right now, I'm am doing the same thing, don't let age or your H define you. I would like to think that you are more than a number and more than who's at your side.

I was just starting to feel good!

H had told me he was taking Monday, Tuesday off this week.
His company is a use it or lose it by the end of the year.

My brother stopped and looked in the Companies parking lot and her car was not their today either.

I did call him just to ask a simple questions and H is at my house right now spending time with our son.

Am i jumping to conclusions or what!!!!

It seems I do alot of that.


Should I be concerned.

I am going to work Plan A for about a month, if I see no changes, I am going to start playing very dirty.

I have already exposed him to his parents, my parents and his brothers. This exposure I thought would have some impact but he is denying everything to his mom and dad.


After a month is up, I am going to send the OW a letter in the mail and ask her to stop before I go to her employers which my H works with her. I have a big problem, he is the HR manager and I don't want to cause a problem until I have the opportunity to give Plan A everything I have.

At that point, I will have nothing to lose.

I am still trying to trace the OW license plate number.

Thanks, Karen

DON'T warn them!!! Just do it!!! Warning just gives them a chance to spin their own tale and make you out to be the bad guy.

Also, doing the carrot of plan A without the stick is a waste of time. You might as well give him permission.

Plan A works when you apply the carrot and the stick. Call HR and then don't protect WH from the fall out. Sure he'll be angry. He'll be furious AND he'll blame you. This means your Plan A is working. It is a clear sign that you have done some damage to the affair. Don't worry - a marriage can survive anger. It cannot survive an active affair.

Your carrot of Plan A should be focused on avoiding LBs and meeting any ENs that he will allow. He may not allow you to meet any, so focus strongly on avoiding LBs.

EXPOSURE is NOT an LB!!! Nor is allowing a WS to take the full brunt of the consequences of their A. Yes, it makes them angry but the objective is not to make your WS as happy as possible. Your objective is to destroy the affair while demonstrating that you are indeed a good spouse. A good spouse does not enable affairs.

I fully understand the reason for exposure. But I have to say, this will push the H to a point of no reasoning at all.

I think a phone call to his boss rather than a note would be more effective in this case.

I know that once I make the phone call, it will be all over!!

He is in a fog and does not know right from wrong.

Is that acceptable to make a phone call to his boss and explain the situation and see if he can work it on his end.

This is exactly what you want to happen. Exposure threatens the affair. This is what they are really upset about when they get angry, though they blame it on you. Don't even bother trying to reason with him at this stage. Just tell him he chose all this when he chose to have an affair and walk away. They do calm down eventualy - even the ones with the worst tempers.

I exposed by phone to Wstbx's immediate boss, whereas OWH sent a letter to the downtown HR office. Neither produced anything that we saw firsthand - boss told me he didn't get involved in his employee's personal lives. At least over the phone I knew that was his boss's viewpoint. OTOH, I know they've been having trouble with scheduling since they moved to another city (thought the OWH would disappear from theirs and OWH/OW's DD's lives by moving away). Where they once were very flexible with start and end times of their work day, they seem to have major problems now - which translates into serious child care problems since OWH can no longer pick DD up from school and they have nobody else to do it. OWH and I speculate if that it may have to do with the letter he sent to HR. Since WstbxH is a manager and she's not (though she's not directly under him), it might create an atmosphere of favouritism. Likely HR questioned their direct boss who had already brushed me off and perhaps he took it out on them by no longer allowing them free rein.

So If i read your e-mail and I understand it correctly,

This tactic did not save your marriage or stop the affair.

SO!!!!

Ban,

Lildoggie forwarded me some of this information posted by Mr. Wonderings. Thought of you.

So,

Would you rather cave and give in to your spouse's absurd selfish demands and become less than a human just to keep him in your life? And lose more and more of yourself as you keep giving in more and more as he takes more and more because you never say a word, until the day when you finally have no self-respect left and decide it's easier just to put a bullet in your head or drive off a cliff?

Or would you rather take a stand and respect yourself and tell him and the world that you deserve better, and be able to look at yourself in the mirror?

Well, cat, I hope she's thinking about what you've said.

Can someone send me a good exposure letter. I believe
it is called To Whom It May concern.

Need to send to spouses work.