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Rusty, IMO, you should never, never, NEVER "threaten" your WW with exposure, particularly as part a condition, e.g. "if you don't stop xxx, I will expose your A." It sends entirely the WRONG message to your WW.
Exposure is something you just DO, if the intent is to end the A.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Rusty, IMO, you should never, never, NEVER "threaten" your WW with exposure, particularly as part a condition, e.g. "if you don't stop xxx, I will expose your A." It sends entirely the WRONG message to your WW.
Exposure is something you just DO, if the intent is to end the A. She had already been exposed to OMW, just not going along with NC. He was still calling her every night, txting back and forth, etc... I just told her that I would make sure OMW knew that they were still carrying on. I am almost convinced that OM has his W convinced I am some jelous husband and that WW is persuing him but he is trying to do no wrong.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Rusty, they often DO convince the BS that the other BS is crazy, or a stalker. But stay with the plans here. Because I can assure you that OM's wife is on high alert. Sooner or later the affairees will get caught.
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Rusty, they often DO convince the BS that the other BS is crazy, or a stalker. But stay with the plans here. Because I can assure you that OM's wife is on high alert. Sooner or later the affairees will get caught. The only thing I can do for OMW now is if I happen to come across stuff stuch as pictures and mail them to her work. I am sticking to the plans. I have seen infadelity destroy many people I know and I will try to be the one that changes all of that. Thanks. Words of encouragement help a LOT right now.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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We had one female poster (LostandHurt) here who exposed the affair to the OW's husband, and he absolutely told her he didn't believe it, and asked her not to contact him again. It was so frustrating because they were MIA from home on the same nights.
But it turned out that the OW's husband WAS watching, and HE ended up getting a PI with pictures and all.
So I wouldn't be too concerned about OM's wife's reaction. Don't threaten any more exposure, but if you get more proof, just forward to his wife. He may get tired of the risk and move on to someone whose husband won't fight for his wife.
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How do I know when to go to plan B? A set time limit on A or what?
WW told me that OM is getting a new job in a couple weeks and he has pretty much dumped her because he will not leave his wife.(The part about him getting a new job was told to me by someone else that WW told it to.)
WW has been saying that she doesnt want me to wait for her and fight for the marriage. She wants counseling to be better friends for the kids but I told her I dont want to be her friend..I want to be her husband.
Is this just fog speak?
She is a very pretty girl and gets hit on all the time when we would go somewhere, do I need to worry about someebody else trying to fill an EN or what?
Last edited by rustyshackelford; 12/23/08 09:37 PM.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Plan B is for YOU. It is to protect what feelings you have left for her, keep you from being a bystander, watching her rip your heart out and watching yourself lose your love for her. THAT is when you Plan B. You'll know.
Please remember that you can't listen to or believe anything a WS says. None of it is real. Maybe 6 months from now. Not now. Do what you need to do for you.
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I believe Harley stated it's time for Plan B when your love for your WW turns to complete indifference.
Do continue to meet your WW's EN's as best you can. Sometimes WW's will rebound into yet another affair when dumped unceremoniously by the first OM. They are fog bound, completely lost and reach out blindly for the attention they just got used to getting.
Not trying to alarm you, but remain diligent, and DO all you can to meet her EN's.
99% of what she says, and will say until withdrawal is complete, is fog babble. However, occasionally they'll let slip with a gem, generally without knowing it, giving you little clues as to what/how you could have better met her needs prior to the affair.
Do pay attention so you don't miss those!
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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I believe Harley stated it's time for Plan B when your love for your WW turns to complete indifference.
Do continue to meet your WW's EN's as best you can. Sometimes WW's will rebound into yet another affair when dumped unceremoniously by the first OM. They are fog bound, completely lost and reach out blindly for the attention they just got used to getting.
Not trying to alarm you, but remain diligent, and DO all you can to meet her EN's.
99% of what she says, and will say until withdrawal is complete, is fog babble. However, occasionally they'll let slip with a gem, generally without knowing it, giving you little clues as to what/how you could have better met her needs prior to the affair.
Do pay attention so you don't miss those! What do you do when this happens? I know I might seem worried or something sometimes, I just need reassurance from you guys to keep up with what I need. I will fight to the end...and beyond
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Plan A
Show her the husband who loves her, fights for her, meets her EN's and provides a lighthouse for her to return safely from the dreaded FOG!
What I described is NOT typical, but your WW is pretty foggy, and still a bit edgy from the exposure and being dumped.
Fluff her feathers a bit and test the waters for her returning home, if you are ready for that. Ideally, you two could do a phone session with the Harley's once NC is in place and she's navigating through withdrawal.
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Rusty, shatteredreams is right, just keep doing what you are doing. You can't control her but you can concentrate on attracting her back. There are no guarantees, but there is hope. Its very unfortunate that your MIL takes her in like this and enables her bad behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Plan A
Show her the husband who loves her, fights for her, meets her EN's and provides a lighthouse for her to return safely from the dreaded FOG!
What I described is NOT typical, but your WW is pretty foggy, and still a bit edgy from the exposure and being dumped.
Fluff her feathers a bit and test the waters for her returning home, if you are ready for that. Ideally, you two could do a phone session with the Harley's once NC is in place and she's navigating through withdrawal. No, for some reason I think that what you said will probably be exactly how it plays out. Just a feeling I had when you said that. She may try to find someone else to meet those EN because she wont let me right now. Thanks
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Rusty, is this her first affair? Has she been this thoughtless and abusive to you in the past?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes. Her first. She has never been anything like this before.
She is usually the sweetest girl I know. This has been VERY unlike her.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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How long does a WW take to get over things like exposure? She is taking forever. lol
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Generally the fury is gone in a few days, while they measure the damage. Give it 10 days, then she should be morphing into withdrawal, which is only a bit less intense, but you'll see more wobbling, between her "desire" for the OM and returning to the marriage.
The more you can do to meet her EN's, the better. The less you piss her off when you do meet up with her, the better.
I know it's difficult during these holidays, but you will get through all this. Just keep your eye on the prize, breathe deeply and have faith.
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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She still has no desire to return at all. The only time she has expressed any desire is when I would expose and get the famous lines of "I thought I was going to come back until this. Now you have no chance."
She is being pushed by her family for being independent that she doesnt really even consider coming back(that she has told me anyways. No telling what is going on in her brain, though.)
Wow, LB really big last night. Huge argument. I accidentally let her draw me in and then it just wouldnt stop. Lasted forever.
She was feeling really depressed and sad over what she has done today since it's Christmas.
WW has become a shell of her former self. It's sad, really.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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I guess we forgot to tell you not to ever argue with a wayward.
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Have you not learned anything here?
"She still has no desire to return at all. The only time she has expressed any desire is when I would expose and get the famous lines of "I thought I was going to come back until this. Now you have no chance."
Either you have learned knowing or your comprehension skills are suspect. That statement in no way indicates that your WW has expressed a desire to come back to you.
Rather it is text book WW speak for I'll say or do any thing to get you afraid to expose their affair.
Last edited by TheRoad; 12/25/08 04:14 PM.
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Have you not learned anything here?
"She still has no desire to return at all. The only time she has expressed any desire is when I would expose and get the famous lines of "I thought I was going to come back until this. Now you have no chance."
Either you have learned knowing or your reading comprehension is suspect. That statement in know way indicates that your WW has expressed a desire to come back to you.
Rather it is text book WW speak for I'll say or do any thing to get you afraid to expose their affair. Sorry, I knew that. I was just expanding on this (in blue) because it has been the closest thing she has said to that. Sorry, I came across wrong. Generally the fury is gone in a few days, while they measure the damage. Give it 10 days, then she should be morphing into withdrawal, which is only a bit less intense, but you'll see more wobbling, between her "desire" for the OM and returning to the marriage.
The more you can do to meet her EN's, the better. The less you piss her off when you do meet up with her, the better.
I know it's difficult during these holidays, but you will get through all this. Just keep your eye on the prize, breathe deeply and have faith.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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