My wife arrived back from Jax yesterday before I got home. I came back from my visit in TN. She sent me a text asking when did I think I'd be home while I was en route. When I got home, I didn't push the whole "let's talk" issue, but eventually we did end up talking.

During our discussion, issues were put on the table that I knew existed and some that I didn't;
(1) She asked why was I so cruel (things I do & say). I explained that when I'm hurting, I wanted the source of the pain to hurt as well. Of course I don't mean the things I say/do.
(2) She brought up examples of things I said that were misunderstood but taken as "cruel".
(3) She said we had issues other than the one we were currently arguing about.
(4) My drinking was brought up and she said the really bad side of me comes out when I drink liquor. I'm not like that when it's only beer. I told her that I've come to realize that I do have a problem with my drinking and wouldn't drink liquor any more.
When
(5) She said she was my wife and not my "property". The controling issue has only recently surfaced. She's very indecisive and puts most decisions off on me--then, apparently has resentment because I make those decisions.

I asked where do we go from here, her response was "I don't know. I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO LET YOU BACK IN" ?!? We went to bed later and she was crying. We talked some more and I told her that I NEVER should have brought up divorce and that I'm committed to our marriage and making it work. She said she loves me like she's never loved anyone and couldn't imagine life without me, but couldn't imagine life continuing the way it is (what does that mean?). I told her all I wanted to hear her say throughout all of this was "we can work through this...we can make it"...but she never did. In fact, she said she didn't know and that we should just see what happens through Christmas and New Year and go from there. I feel that I have no certainty about OUR future. I feel like everything is "on hold" like she just wants to put on the happy face until after the holidays. We've only been married 6mo (together 3yrs--broke up twice). I feel like (as a friend suggested) I SHOULD cut my loss and move on. But...on the other hand, maybe we could come out of this with a stronger marriage. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO! ALL OPINIONS ARE WELCOMED!

So you are cruel to her, are mean when you drink and have threatened divorce.

No wonder she isn't sure if she wants to let you back in!

Seems to me you need to clean up your act...I don't think it will get better with the next person.

You should consider stopping drinking all together while you get your marriage back in order. Actually, reading some of your other posts you should definitely stop drinking. If drinking is more important that your wife then tell her now so she can get out. Otherwise, just stop.

You should stop thinking that she is "misunderstanding" what you are doing that she thinks is cruel...Assume she is right. No matter what your intent is, you are coming across as cruel.

Start considering why she is indecisive...it may be that she truly is, or more likely it is because whatever she says, you disagree with so why should she bother?

You want her to say "we can work through this...we can make it"...but if you are the problem, how does she know that?
You may say "I am not the only problem, she has problems too"...yes, but you cannot change her, you can only change yourself.

Tell her that you want her to tell you right away when you say or do something cruel. Tell her all she has to say is "ouch".
Then stop doing those things or do them or say them in a different, more positive way.
Like maybe she was watching TV but you thought she should be cleaning. So don't say "all you do is watch TV all day", but "would you like to give me a hand with cleaning?"

When she says "but couldn't imagine life continuing the way it is (what does that mean?)" that means that this is not the way she imagine married life to be. You are not acting like a husband should act. You are acting as an adversary, not as a teammate. Sit her down and ask her "What do you imagine married life should be like? Take me through a week describing what we would do and how we would act." Then shut up and listen and see what she says. Do you do those things? Could you do those things?

You need to go to AA for two reasons. You and her. You also need to do this ASAP.

Should AA be something she knows that I'm doing. I feel "sucker punched" by the realization that MY drinking IS the core of my problems.

Yes you should let her no you are going to AA!! You might even want to let her know about alanon, she may want to go to that to help her learn how to help you through this!! Plus if she knows you are going it will help her in seeing that you want to make the effort to change to better yourself and the marriage. DO NOT PUSH HER on going to alanon. Just casually vring it up and let it go from there let her decide if it is something she wants to do!!

Could you stick to one thread in one spot? It will make things easier for us who follow you.

Yes, stopping drinking is a must.

So is figuring out/understanding yourself.

For example, why would you marry a woman who puts the needs of her sister before yours? Why would you expose your son to a niece that steals and probably abuses drugs? Why would you tolerate the drug behavior in your home? Why would you stick your spouse enabling your niece?

You might want to read the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by cloud and townsend. There's also a ton of other boundary books by them, like how to have boundaries in conversation.

You might also want to read some books on codependency. Pia Mellody and Melody Beattie are the authors to read if you choose to do this.

I don't know what sorts of good addiction books there are out there. But, I'd also suggest you get to a n-anon meeting.

My wife and sister-in-law had some "peace talks" yesterday at lunch (at my wife's request) because we were to go to her Mom and Step-Dad's for Christmas dinner last night and she didn't want any "tension". My SIL brought up the incident and (once again) tried to get my "confession". I told her and my wife that this was an issue where, if we were to move forward, we just had to agree to disagree. My wife told me that her SIL told her IF my wife and I were to try working this out and she and my niece didn't feel "comfortable" around the house...they would move out. My wife is very upset and concerned about this. Although, what's the difference in her sister saying this and when I said (when I was first accused) that if we were to try working this out MAYBE the SIL and niece should find a place of their own? While having this discussion, my SIL told us she didn't think our marriage would work when we decided to get married, but thought "what ever makes her happy". After this discussion, I told my wife that I didn't want her Christmas dinner with her family to be uncomfortable for her or anyone else there so me and my Son would just stay home and they could go. When I left the house and came back to work, my wife called and said they had discussed it and want me and my Son at the dinner...afterall, "we're married AND we're family".
I was a nervious wreck going to this dinner. IT WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! After leaving all I could think was--I don't know if I can do this! Everything my wife says/does (and everyone else in the household) just seems fake! Even how she says "I love you" is different! I couldn't sleep and just tossed and turned until 1:20am. It kept my wife in and out of sleep. I would say that we "made love", but it really only felt like routine sex so I could relax.

I've decided to stop drinking (on my own, but AA if that doesn't work) and I have an appointment to see my therapist today. I told my wife about this appointment because we had talked about her going with me prior to all of this mess. She asked if I didn't want her to go and I told her the therapist said if we needed marriage counceling, it would have to be with a different therapist since she had only been seeing me. My wife didn't say anything about marriage counceling. I just don't know IF I can do this or not? I'm really weighing if it's worth it or not.

Consider going to AA anyway. Alcohol is affecting your daily life in a negative way, so you are a candidate for AA. If nothing else it will give you more accountability in your effort to refrain from drinking and will help your wife know you are serious.

I am not sure if I would push marriage counseling at this point as I think you need to work on your own issues first. If your wife suggests it, by all means go.

If you want to work on your marriage, you should go to the dinner. Doing things like that is what married people do. Don't drink, though. Think about what you would do if somebody offers you a drink.

Also think about what you would say if your sister brings up any issues with the neice. "SIL, I don't think this is the time to talk about this." and then just be quiet or move away from her.

Thank you for your thoughts. I told her today that I was going to quit drinking altogether and she said she would too. I also said that if I couldn't do it myself, that I'd go to AA. I'm in a job that's VERY sensitive to this type of personal problem. God forbid anyone found out, there's goes my job! It's ironic...people wear a "badge of honor" for coming to work hung over, but are shunned & "tattooed" for going to AA for help and self-improvement. Go figure.

I asked her at lunch today if, when I go to my therapist appt today, she would be receptive to me getting a marriage counseler referral. She said "I'm fine with that".

It still feels like there's a 400lb purple elephant in the room that no one sees but me. My wife's 36yr old and regarding the "sex" last night...she said she thought I couldn't sleep simply because I just needed the release. Then she said, with her back pain, she really didn't care to have sex or not! She said that as long as she knew I was laying beside her and I loved her...she was fine and jokingly followed that up with, "but I haven't reached my forties yet".

I think it is against the law to be fired if you are getting help for a drinking problem.

AA is ANONYMOUS so how would anyone find out?
You could always attend a meeting out of town.
Make sure this is not an excuse.
Nevertheless, get rid of all your alcohol in the house.
Think about how you will handle any parties you go to (Like you are the designated driver or something).

Your wife may not care to have SF right now because she may not feel emotionally close to you. Men often have SF to feel emotionally close, whereas women want to feel emotionally close first before they have SF.

As an manager of a large group of employees, it's always possible that I'd see an employee there. Then it's no longer anonymous. I do like the "out of town meeting" suggestion and your thoughts on our sex. (SF?)

Please try to stop drinking completely TODAY. IF you have problems doing that, you can consider going to AA.

Also sis and her daughter MUST move out of your home.

I haven't had ANYTHING to drink since Sunday. I've realized just what a problem this is for me and what a MB it is for her. Our marriage means more to me than having a drink. We're going to a marriage counselor 1/7. I don't know what our future holds, but I know I have today and I will make the best of it. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Merry Christmas!

Good for you. Remember all hard jobs are done easier one step at a time.

It's been a good Christmas. I went to TN and brought my grandmother and aunt down to visit. My wife said earlier today, "I'm glad were together this Christmas. It wouldn't be the same without you."
I've adopted the attitude of taking things one day at a time and making the best of each day. Being the proactive, goal oriented type...this seems difficult for some reason. I guess just not being able to REALLY plan/think ahead is the reason.

How is the sobriety going?

I had a couple of glasses of champaign on New Years Eve at home with my wife. Other than that, not a drop since 12/21. It's not bad at all. No alcoholic side-effects. Actually, she wanted to go "out" this past SAT and we went to a bar that we used to frequent quite often. She had a couple of beers and a Yagerbomb, I had a diet Coke. She was really concerned about us going there, but I told her I knew she liked it and it really wouldn't bother me at all. It didn't. Afterward, we went to a local steakhouse for dinner. She told me the next day what a good time she had. We have another appointment with the MC tomorrow...I'm still very uncertain about everything. I'm just taking it day-to-day. I've made contingency plans in case she decides to drop the D-bomb on me. It's just hard. I don't know that things will ever be the same and I can't help but realize that I do feel differently since everything has happened. I don't know how to move forward. Maybe I'll bring that up with the MC tomorrow...what do you think?