Jayne is correct we are not married and I have removed myself from the situation. I have told him that I wanted absolute no contact whatsoever, and have been so for over a month now. He knows my intense feelings on the matter and I have hopefully blocked any form of contact he could have.

I have changed everything I could, numbers, jobs, etc. Getting ready to move so he no longer knows where I live either. I am not going to play a party to any of it.

I want real, for me, for my kids. period. I am not..that person.

Suddenly,

It sounds like you are taking steps to get away from this loser. Oh that so many a WS would go to such lengths to end an affair.

Sorry you have found yourself in this place.

I don't know whether this helps or not but Dr Harley addressed affairs from the lover's perspective in this article: Click Here

I'm afraid you and your children are but more examples of people who get hurt when a married man or woman chooses to cheat.

Mark

suddenly, I am not sure at what point you figured out this was someone else's husband and how long afterwards you stayed in your affair, but I wanted to discuss the above comment about your "feelings."

This is generally how people get themselves into trouble; by acting on FEELINGS. Feelings are devoid of reason and sanity and will lead you wrong if you act on them. Feelings change week to week, day to day, making decisions made on FEELINGS results in very bad decisions. This is why feelings need to be SET ASIDE when making decisions.

Often feelings are very inappropriate - AS YOU CAN SEE - and can cause us great trouble when not governed by reason and logic.

This is a lesson that is critical, especially when you are in charge of children. Your kids grew attached to this man, to this married man who was doing nothing more than having an adulterous affair. A man who was a liar and cheater was brought into their lives.

I am sorry you were tricked like this, but what do you think you could do to prevent this from happening in the future? Do your kids know yet that this was nothing more than a deceitful, filthy affair?

Suddenly,
Why don't you answer the questions I've posed so that others trying to respond to your plight can have the correct point of reference.

Mr. G

suddenly, your MM committed a special form of child abuse by introducing his children to you, the OW. This is an adulterous affair and his children have been taught that wrong is right. He was derelict in his duty as a parent to do this and his wife was right to put a stop to it.

Let me explain. Allowing his children to be exposed to you was to teach them that adultery is acceptable. It is to teach them that wrong is right. That scr*ws up little children, because not only are they morally confused, but it teaches them to DOUBT their instincts about right and wrong. Children who are not taught right from wrong will grow up profoundly LOST.

Children instinctively understand right from wrong. When that instinct is not validated, they naturally presume there is something WRONG WITH THEM. As a little girl, I was introduced to several of my father's OW and this seemed WRONG TO ME. But apparently I was WRONG because the adults involved went along with this. So what was the REAL PROBLEM? I concluded I WAS A STUPID GIRL. Apparently my instincts were wrong, so the issue was my stupidity and I learned to doubt myself.

I don't know how you have explained all this to your children, but I do know that at the very least they have been taught that it is ok to shack up while unmarried. At worst, they know this is a married man in an adulterous affair who treated his own family horrendously. Hardly a good father figure.

You might want to check out this article by Dr Harley about the horrible lesson that children learn from adultery and its advocacy: Infidelity:
The Lessons Children Learn

Wow, suddenly, you're telling my story.

Different details, but same story.

I can't tell you the pain the lying, cheating, con artist, thief, brought into my DD's life and mine.

Under no circumstances ever, ever take him back. Even if by some miracle he gets saved and becomes a minister.

I can't tell you all the crap mine pulled to get me to take him back (and it worked), long enough for him to get some more money and cheap property, then dumped me for another GF he had on the side, after all those years of hell he put me through. (he also went through 4 wives, I met him during the last one but didn't know she existed). Even how many times he had been married had been carefully hidden.

He also taught his kids to lie because I went on vacation with him and his teenage DD and even she covered for him. So did his mom.

This is an addiction every bit like an affair and very, very strong. SH explained it all to me and why it was so strong even though it was all lies. To clarify it was an affair for him, but I was single, then became engaged to him not knowing he had a wife in another state. No secrecy on my part. He was involved in all aspects of my life, family, friends, coworkers. No one knew he was married. But the addiction aspect of it was very real for me because he met all my needs. So I can understand you have the same addiction aspect going on. It is not love. You will soon if you stick to no contact come to understand just how unhealthy, and un-love like it really is.

I know how much it hurts, but believe me if you can continue with the no contact, don't allow your mind to wonder to him and move on with your life, the pain will be gone in six months time.

If you allow him to worm his way back in somehow, your pain will last a lifetime. And your kids will pay for it for their lifetime.

Nothing good will come of this, but good will come if you learn some lessons from it. Pay close attention to what Mel is telling you. Invaluable!

I do understand what you are saying Melody Lane- thank you, and yes I have read those links

but if you never act on feelings how do you ever fall in love, stay in love?

thank you weaves, reading helps alot

You act on your feelings when it is APPROPRIATE, using your MIND as a guide, not your feelings. Feelings should be screened and guided by one's reason and logic. If I have "feelings" for a married man, I do not act on them because they are INAPPROPRIATE and will lead me into the depths of hell. My mind can tell me why this man is not suitable and guide my actions accordingly.

If I have feelings for a single man, [and i am a single woman] then I USE MY MIND to assess and judge his suitability as a candidate for marriage. I use my GOD GIVEN MIND to guide my actions and do not act on WRONG FEELINGS.

Feelings do have their PLACE, but they should not be used as a decision making instrument.

God gave us a MIND for a reason.

Suddenly,

You said in your first post that you loved this man with all your heart. It is now four days later and I am wondering if you still feel the same way. It is perfectly OK for you to have a change of heart especially after reading all of the responses to that first post. Affairs of the heart do not always coincide with logic and reason. If that were the case there would be little reason for this web site.


I am not even sure that a sufficient definition of “feelings” exists, at least as it relates to relationships. I have for myself, a very specific idea of what I think “love” is and how to keep it going. It all started when I first came to this site and I was exposed to the idea that “love” was an action and not a “feeling”. As I pondered this concept I began to formulate a definition of what it meant to me and even more specifically, what it mean to my relationship with my wife. At the one year mark in my recovery I tried to verbalize what I thought “love” meant to me.


When a man and woman together act in this fashion then they experience the “feelings” of love. It is the actions that produce the feelings and not the other way around.

Keep your chin up,

Mr. G

just because the love is wrong does not make it less real.

nor does it make me less of a person. I, as a person made a mistake, and I am trying to correct and recover from it.

my mind, thoughts and feelings are very sound.


thank you all for your insights... you have all been very kind.

To help with the "feelings" that are considered real love by you. Think about how he LIED and CHEATED and MANIPULATED his family and yours in the most calculated way. Think about his lack of care for anyone but himself where his primary motives were and are to get HIS needs met by both families, at their expense.

He is dangerous. And should be viewed as a complete taker who will use you for whatever he can get. You never really knew him until now. The person you think you love does not exist. It was a fantasy.

The person you see now, the LIAR and CHEAT, is who he really is. Aka REAL.

God Bless,
Jo

When I was 17 years old a girl that I had been dating for six months broke up with me. I was crushed. I loved her and her rejection sent me spinning.

How real, how important was that love that I had? It felt real but in the final analysis my six month love was profoundly different than the love I experience with my current wife.

Your heart was stirred through infatuation of the man who showed a romantic interest in you. You called those feelings love and I won’t dispute your claim. It was unfortunate that this man stole a piece of your heart. You deserve more than the deceit that he gave to you. You deserve a different kind of love. You deserve the kind of love that I described in my last post. I hope you find it.

Mr. G

real does not = appropriate, relevant, virtuous or legitimate.... Being "real" is not justification for wrongdoing.

Melody,

I feel you have been holding back on exactly what you want to say to me, and you know that is ok. But don't ever think that any other than your WH can be as remorseful and sorrowful. Please don't. You and yours have come a long way to the upmost of love.

but please stop knocking what does not suit your needs or behaviors. You have been and will be always be a valuable insight to me, as I have said i read ALOT, and absorbed ALOT more before I ever posted. For reasons I have stated.

I have already BEEN the BS, and my inability to understand some things that still haunted me brought me here. I have learned a tremdenous amount in understanding why I felt like I did, and how to let go of that.

And I am now learning another hard lesson that I did not ask for. What i, nor anyone else needs is that puntcure to the ribs you want to deliver to those that step out of "your" comfort zone.

I will never agree with all you say, nor will I always disagree. I can agree to disagree anytime. One persons compassion is not always going to be the same as anothers. It happens. We all go on.

you think I am a troll, believe what you want Melody. I am merely a victim of myself, I will suffer the pain I have caused and hope for forgiveness, it's all I know now.

Happy Holidays to you all

I do not understand you or the source and nature of your pain. Perhaps you are not properly explaining yourself or I am not just that good of a listener.

For instance, I gather from your dialogue that you have developed a deep love for this man over the course of several weeks. The deep pain that you are expressing does not jive with the length of time that a loving attachment could have formed. It smacks of something unhealthy. It rings that there are other deeper issues that you need to address. You are one month removed from your affair that began with a courtship lasting only a few weeks? Why are you still dwelling on this guy? I just don’t get it. Your pain was deep enough to post to a forum such as this, to accomplish what? What is it that you are looking for? What can folks like us say to you that will satisfy you?

Further, I don’t understand the animosity towards Melody. I mean there is little question that she can be confrontational; after all, she is from Texas. But to you she threw nothing but easy softballs. Yet somehow you have interpreted this as an attack. And then the thing about being a troll, where on earth did that come from?

You could be a troll but to me that wouldn’t matter in the least. Pitting or defending a position of infidelity against marriage and family can never win, not here, really not anywhere. It is like shooting fish in a barrel, arguments for infidelity dissolve into senseless rationalizations very quickly. So, trolls are fun. Send em my way, I do so enjoy their rants and attempts to justify the unjustifiable. Kinda sharpens my skills, if you know what I mean.

So, if there is something that we can really help you understand then simply ask and you will receive that best answer on the face of this earth.

Mr. G

suddenly, I'm sorry you didn't want to hear what I had to say, but I'm ok with that. You asked for opinions and that is what you got. I have no idea what set you off and caused you to become defensive because folks have been nothing but polite to you here.

What you probably don't realize is that you are the LEAST objective person on this thread. Others can see you in a clear light, you CANNOT. Hopefully you came here to listen and learn with an open mind.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :wavingsanta:

huh?

Suddenly,

Although I heartily loathe the adultery (and that is ALL it was) you engaged in, I will not slam you or speak hatefully to you. I do commend you for righting yourself and ending it with your lover once and for all. Others have touched upon this--there are some very valueable lessons to be learned here about "feelings".

Don't get me wrong--feelings are great. It is wonderful to feel enthusiastic, excited, and passionate about someone/something in your life. The danger comes about when we put over-riding faith in blindly "following our feelings" in the ABSENCE of standards, ethics, boundaries, morals, and principles. I will lump all of these together under the term "values". Realize that feelings are inherently illogical, irrational, selfish, and often frankly insane. That is why we also should have values which serve to temper our feelings with reality and empathy for others...ask yourself, "would I want someone else to do this to me?"

We may "feel" drawn to that shiny Ferrari we see in the parking lot, but our values tell us not to joyride or steal it.
We may "feel" like we could use and deserve some extra money, but our values tell us not to rob a bank to get it.
We may "feel" entitled to that promotion or degree we have been pursuing, but our values tell us not to cheat on a test to "win" it.
We may not "feel" like getting up when the 7am alarm goes off on Monday morning, but our values tell us to pull our butt out of bed and get to work on time.
(It works both ways--feelings can lead us to errors of commission and omission)

I am giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that:
1) You were NOT MARRIED when you started the relationship with your lover and..
2) You truly were lied to and didn't know that he WAS MARRIED when you 2 started seeing each other.

However, it does seem likely that the feelings that you quickly developed for him probably blinded you somewhat. He told you he was divorced, but how deeply did you dig? I imagine that there must have been moments when evidence to the contrary leaked through...did you become suspicious and pull back or did you ignore it because you so badly wanted to believe him (for your feelings' sake)? When you finally discovered the truth (that he was MARRIED), did you immediately end it or did you try (again to placate your feelings) to rationalize or "make it work" for while? Did you say to yourself "well, he's married, but he's getting divorced..." or "he was separated before we met..." ???

To get back to your original quoted question, YES, it is ok to "fall in love" and to "act on feelings" AS LONG as those feelings comport with our values. We have to take the time and engage the effort to find out if they do...therein lies the danger of relying on feelings alone. Without values, they ultimately lead us astray and we end up hurting others and ourself in the process.

Food for thought and I wish you the best,

Hi suddenly,

I didn't see where anyone accused you of being a troll or gave you 2x4s, unless it was edited or happened off-board. Is there something specific that someone said that bothered you? If you've been reading here for awhile before posting, then you must know that it's hard for most folks here to post to OW threads. Maybe you were expecting a harsh treatment? I'm a little confused, did you say you think Mel was holding back? So are you saying you're ok with her (or others?) "giving it to you straight" or are you saying you want a "kinder, gentler" approach? I'm not trying to argue, I'm honestly trying to figure out which approach you would appreciate.

If you are here to work through the pain of withdrawal, and to receive support in maintaining NC, I'm sure folks are happy to listen and help. I didn't see anyone saying your feelings aren't valid, just saying that it isn't always wise to *act* on feelings. Somewhere there are links to articles about how the beginnings of a romantic relationship floods the brain with certain chemicals, and that is what causes the withdrawal pains. If you can find that and read it, it might help to look at it from a clinical, non-emotional viewpoint.

I hope you are enjoying a very Merry Christmas with your kids!