I have let DD17 read the messages from you and SMB and I think it's great cuz it comes from outsiders and not from me.

Yeah I know, its like I know I am not supposed to expect logic or sense and yet I do. I guess we all do since we all operate that way so its hard to train the brain to say hey expect absolute nonsense from this human being. Its like you actually have to make yourself expect nothing normal from them. I'll get it sooner or later. Anyways after his retarded behavior yesterday I am feeling like I won't need to worry about that Christmas morning package he said. LOL The part that really burns my buns is that 2 days ago DS10 says mom do you think dad will really wrap his self in a box and come home. If you could feel the anger in my blood, whew! I mean come on don't make stupid comments like that in front of children, it gives them false hope. So I had to say DS10 I really don't think that he will and I am really upset that he would say something like that.

Woohoo are you crazy! I hate this bloody Plan B. LOL

Ok this is really bad but I had to mention whats been running through my mind.
I really wanna call the Sea Hag and tell her that during my Plan A that he cheated on her at least 4 times a week and blow there relationship up!
But then I don't want his funky butt coming home for that reason.

Ok I said it.

You know you aren't going to do that!! She wouldn't believe you anyway, but you already know that!!!



Charlotte

:MerryChristmas:

I know I know I just want her fat nasty Sea Hagly self to suffer like I am!!!!!

But then I don't want him back because of that I want him back because he chose it....Uggggggg. Yes that is whining you hear.

Okay, we'd better break out the cheese then!

That's your Vulcan side taking over.

And like Spock, you must shake your head a little and say, "illogical" to yourself every time you even TRY to apply logic to a waynerd.

And yes, I'm a geek.

I already know.

That's why the Wookie is perfect for me.

He said, "I told you I'll do whatever it takes and I meant it."

His transformation was undeniable.




Yes, it was.





I had a similar prayer incident. In a women's Bible study with close friends just weeks before OW/old GF walked into his business, I had asked for prayer for our family. I said something about feeling like worldiness was seeping back into our home and needed tst to take a lead. So a dear friend prayed that God would do "whatever it would take to turn tst's heart back toward home." I now believe that prayer was from the Holy Spirit, who knew where tst was headed.




If you believe it is spiritual warfare, do not give up hope on your marriage. I became very hopeless, even while my dearest friend was telling me God had told her to be hopeful for us. I told her I had no hope left...he was not coming back.

I believed God COULD do anything, but I also knew that sometimes He chose to not perform those miracles we deserately pray for for His own reasons.

tst missed our littlest's birthday. The man I knew could not have lived with himself. That was when I lost all hope. It was a pivotal moment for me. Shortly after, I allowed myself to have an affair. It was just weeks before tst returned. The timeline is beyond freaky to me.

I think of me back then, like Peter walking on the water, walking in faith, keeping my eyes on God. Then for one brief moment I looked down, and realized I should be drowning. And so I did.





Only you can decide what you are willing to accept. I had been through so much. We had a marriage that those closest to us envied. He was a great husband. A close friend of mine kept telling me, smb, you KNOW he loved you. We ALL saw it. It was REAL. Don't let satan cause you to doubt.



His personality would definitely include stubbornness. He is a strong willed man who can make just about anything happen when he puts his mind to it. He was also admittedly prideful.

Anger issues? He never once spoke disrepectfully or hurtfully to me throughout our entire relationship...until the affair. Yet he did have anger. Anger he carried from being raised by an alcoholic father and abusive mother. He never allowed himself to target his anger at me...until the affair...then everything was because of me.





Although I longed for the protection that would come in Plan B, I never made it there. I had planned for it and was waiting for two issues to be dealt with. I was probably a week or two away from Plan B when tst came home. Emotionally, I was WAY overdue.

I had no Plan A left in me, so I read Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough, and followed that as best I could. I had blocked tst's access to me as much as I could until I could do an official Plan B with letter and all.


Our story inspires even me, not because of anything I or tst did, but because of the greatness of God in it all. There is so much more I could tell you about our recovery that is evidence of God restoring my husband's heart and soul. But that would take up way too much space on your thread.

You have some great people on your thread, just as I did on mine. You are a strong woman working a great plan. Keep doing what you're doing.

T2L, my access is sporadic (to put it mildly) while visiting family and travelling and playing hostess during the holidays, so I'm just catching up on the last several days of your thread. You said something a few pages back about your WH being unhappy, and you thought he blamed you and the family for his anger. I think that you are 100% accurate.

Furthermore, I think that his willingness to blame others for his unhappiness, combined with his pride and stubbornness, make him a hard core wayward right now. He is entrenched in his sense of entitlement and blamelessness. "Nobody tells ME what to do" "T2L is trying to control me" and so forth just illustrate how self centered and prideful he is.

IF he has it in himself to learn humility, your M will be much better than before. You'll have the old H back except he'll have learned to accept responsibility for his life and the consequences and repercussions (both good and bad) of his decisions and actions. He'll be a more whole person.

OTOH if he continues in his pride and selfishness, that is a cancer you do not want in your family as it will destroy all that you love.

I know you hate Plan B. Given your WH's current state of mind, Plan B is definitely the place for you to be. Kudos on being so totally dark.

Kudos also to your DD17 who is shouldering more burden than a person of her age should have to - and doing it with grace, strength, and conviction. I think her responses of "I don't know Dad, check the email" is perfect. When she answers for you, or asks you questions for him, he gets a little bit of a "fix". It is a positive thing all the way around that she has taken herself out of that loop.

And as an aside, Neak and thndr are officially two of my favorite posters. They have an agile vocabulary and a wicked sharp humor. I find them insightful and quite entertaining to read. They should consider co-authoring a book. I'm serious.

When the world around me had turned to chaos and EVERYONE was telling me to GET OUT and GET DONE...God told me to "be still, quiet, and wait."

I listened to God.

But BOY! Was it hard.

I told my friend I couldn't hear God anymore.

DUH! Who did I think was speaking through her!

Turtle, she always helps me with my books. She's great! (So is Neaksis.) They both add so much.

And then the stupid editors take out some of her (and MY) best ideas and lines! At least here, the only ones who can truly edit me are the mods, and I try to avoid putting myself in that position since I can't actually pee on my posts to mark and protect my territory properly. Neak and tl--complete and unabridged!:RollieEyes:

Hello Lil turtle, it sounds as if you are having WAY to much fun this Christmas season!
Yes WH was unhappy, he never actually said it but, how do I explain it, I felt it. Now that I look back at ALL of our pictures, family trips etc I can see it on his face plain as day. Its really heart breaking. He came from a bad childhood, his mom was a cheater too, had many men, men who wanted nothing to do with the boys and then the last man, the one she stayed with the longest, was a raging diabetic alcoholic who chased them around and was belligerent all the time. Yet when he was sober he was the only man that did like the kids and paid attention to him.

Just after Dday WH was talking with his oldest brother, who he cussed out and said he never wanted to talk to again a few weeks later, said Mr. T2L you have been angry since you were a child.

No when I say angry, he didn't run around us everyday screaming or mad at us, he just had these moments off and on where he would get set off and then throw something. He never hit us or anything like that.

I with all my heart don't think my WH even knows he is unhappy or has he even known. I used to try and bring it to his attention(Pre-A) and he would say don't Dr. Phil me. He had blinders on to what was in his own heart.

We, like SMB, had a good marriage aside of that. People that saw us interact thought you guys are so cute. We would hug and laugh in public and I thought we were all happy.

I would definitely say he's got entitlement bad, really bad and I know he is full of pride now to really bad. That really scares me more than all of it because he could throw away everything because of pride.

I always thought he was humble but now in hindsight he had lots of pride and I think it came to the rescue of insecurity and low self esteem. But if you saw him you would NEVER know it.

Yes he blames me and still continues to do so, it is mind boggling, I mean I wasn't perfect, but I always give everything I have to all that I do. I catered to this man hand and foot and did everything to try and make his life happy. Now i see clearly why I did this, I did it because inside I think I knew he was not happy and If I could just do absolutely everything and be as perfect(one of his complaints-i was perfect) then surely he will be happy.

My Pastor said I think he has blamed you all his life for everything. You were the strength of the family. He's about to find out its not your fault and who really had the strength.


I am hoping God humbles him, that is my daily prayer, I cannot do it except by using Plan B as tool for God to use. He is behaving like a monster but he was at one time a fairly decent guy who provided for us, kept us protected, took his family to church for 15 years, served as an usher for 10 years and drummer at church for about 10 years, served under a national minister for 5 years as head of security, he had whit and humor that had the kids and I daily dying of laughter, he hugged us lots and kissed us too. He just had this underlying thing. Does that make sense?


I know Plan B is good, I just miss him very much, but that man is gone and a new man will have to come out of this. That's the only chance. I just hope he doesn't harden his heart so much that even God can't reach him. His protection right now is his pride, but he doesn't realize its hurting him. And truly I think he is soooo angry that I am not caving. He knows I HATE conflict and will almost do anything to avoid it. I apologized many times during the marriage when I shouldn't have(in my quest to make him happy). I think he is out of his mind mad that I have not caved. But yet he knows that I stand strong when its a righteous thing and I will not cave. He knows this and I think it makes him crazy that I am not going to change my mind.


DD17 is very strong girl, she got it both from mom and dad. Its sad before this she was closer to her dad as mom was the one who did the right things. But the neat thing is she told WS several weeks back in defense of mom, that dad you know I was closer to you before all this right? But now I am closer to mom because you do not live here. Well I can tell you that now I know my mom even better and this is not control dad this is not a game that she is trying to play against you. I know my mom and its not a game. He told her that my stupid game is making things worse and making him never want to come back....did anyone elses WS say that?


I know its freaky how big a vocab they have! I keep my darn dictionary on the desk just in case. Truly you guys are brilliant writers and perspectives are very valued here too!

Guess I should shut up now since I think my explanations is pretty long......

That's right! Yay, Vulcans!

You are going to have to pick another Vulcan, though. Perhaps Sarek.

Because:

"I am Spock."



Charlotte

Yep. Your WH reminds me a lot of mine in this way. And the sense of entitlement...the ARROGANCE...is very apparent, seems even stronger now.

People change all of the time and some change for the worse and never look back. It took a while for me to accept that but it's true.

Charlotte

Okay. I am T'Pol.

Vulcan logic AND smokin' hot bod!

Mine

Well my friends, another successful Plan B day, dark as can be.

Today is actually exactly 8 months of D-day. I can't believe that its been 8 months. (Really longer as the man I knew died 2 months before i hit d-day so really its been 10 months.) I guess I thought at the start of all this that it would be over by now, not sure why I thought that but I did. It still baffles me that it is not over really.

Trying to keep control of the thoughts. DS10 went to friends house to play and sleep over which is really nice as I need just a bit of time to be just me since he home schools now. So I did some chores and DD17 and I baked. We made peanut butter cookies, snowballs, buckeye balls and sugar cookies. I have been good so far trying not to eat to many.

So he talked to DD17 tonight as DS10 was away. She said he had said so I guess we'll schedule a separate visit for us then(DUH!!)and she says yeah. Then he says, so maybe I will act like someone else and dress up like Santa and come over on Christmas. DD17 says yeah except your not someone else and she laughs. I just can't believe he has gone thru all these holidays and anniversary with No humbling in sight. Now my prayers are humble him Lord. I wonder can God reach him before I lose grace.

I have been reading SMB's thread, its very enlightening especially if you're thinking on being lax in the conditions part. I felt so bad for her false recovery especially since she was so done and then God renewed her heart to keep going. I am not going to be lax its all 6 conditions and that's it. I have nothing to lose since he already lives with her.

Anyways tomorrow night the kids and i will make dinner and they will do mom presents. Normally H is here but I think we will be fine. I will miss him, but I will enjoy watching there faces and mentioning that its Jesus's Birthday!

I have conditions ready and printed if he should pull the wrapped box or santa gig, but all aside I really do not think so too much pride right now to do it so I am not really worried just prepared.

Its sad how one person can cling to pride out of their insecurity and use it as a protection measure but the pride is really not protecting them but only hurting them. Sad.

So anyways I'm off, Happy 8 months d-day anniversary to me. I am being a smart a$s. Theres nothing Happy about it! Hee Hee.

Anti-versary I think.
You are doing so well, I am proud of you.



And just cos its Christams Eve for me..
:MerryChristmas:

Most men tire of the affair around 18 months. They might not end the affair at 18 months (stubbornness) but that's approximately when it starts to get old.

Did your WH started his emotional or his physical affair about 10 months ago?

Edit to add: timelines are important