I'm new here first off! This is a concern about my sister. I wasn't really sure where to post this.

It's about my sister and her husband but its also about me and our family as well. To make along story short, my sisters husband decided about a month ago he didn't want to be married anymore. Of course no one really knew why. He came clean and told her he was seeing her best friend!

He came back to her this past Friday said he wanted to work things out. She agreed and said they could try. Spent most all day together last Friday doing things together. Then all of a sudden out of the blue, he ups and tells her, he is infact inlove with the woman he is seeing! Of course she was hurt and confused as to why he would tell her he wanted tow ork things out then tell her he loved the other woman.

He left, only for him to call her hours later asking her if she was mad! He comes back to her the next day on Saturday, begging her to take him back, she does! The family doesn't believe he is sincere or there for the right reasons. She has told him not to be there just for the kids. Several people seem to think he is either there thru Xmas, or it might be because he found out when they seperated at first, he was going to have to pay more money than he thought. or maybe this other woman caught wind of it all, and she kicked him to the curb, therefore he felt he had no other place to go or no where to turn. I think if he wasn't such a shady person and liar to begin with it might would be different, but he just doesn't seem sincere and there is a arrogance and cockyness about him.

I know this is my sisters choice. I love her and so does the family of course. We are here for her, but sometimes its hard to support someone who you feel is not making a good choice. I'm not sure why he would tell her he wanted to work things out, then tell her he loved the other woman and then beg for her to take him back? I do believe people can change and turn their marriage around if they really want too! Our brother suggested marriage counseling to her husband, and he said "No its not his thing." Do you think someone who doesn't enter into marriage counseling can put their life and marriage back on track with no outside help?

I just hate to see this happening. I want to be supportive and have been, and have really been biting my tongue, but its hard, and we are supposed to have Xmas day at her house tomorrow evening and no one in the family wants to go. Any advice is appreciated!

Welcome. I hope you will go to dinner and be supportive. She needs you now. Also hope SHE will post here.

It is very common for the affairees to waffle back and forth. We see it all the time.

She needs to read here and start Plan A, which is showing him what a good wife she can be. Then she needs to expose the affair to anyone who has influence on the affairees.

Thank you for your reply. I hope in time she will post here too. She has read a few articles here, when I told her about this site.

We all do plan on going over for Xmas day. its just going to be hard. I'm sure it will be for everyone, including him, maybe.

So do you think people can survive affairs and getting through life's issues without any type of counseling or talking to anyone at all?

Shimmy, will you please send your sister here so we can help her through this? Send her over to General Questions 11 in the infidelity section because it is the busiest section. We won't tell her to kick her H to curb, but we will help her manage this situation and if the affair doesn't end, will help her get away from him.

In the meantime, how would your mother feel about calling the OW's parents and asking them to use their influence to stop their sleazy daughter from fooling around with a married man?

Yes. Most counseling is useless and very overrated. Marriage counselors, for example have an 84% FAILURE RATE and have a higher divorce rate than the general population. Many people recover just fine using the Marriage Builders concepts, though.

My sister works with this other woman. She was a friend of hers, or so she thought. I had never even meant her before. She is also married with a 2 year old child. That's really all I know about her.

As far as our mother calling the other woman's parents, I would think since we are all in our 30's and grown and don't live aty home then our mom wouldn't need to do that. This other woman lives in apt with her two year old son, not far from my sister and her husband. There needs to be no contact with this other woman from anyone at all I would think.

I'll be as supportive as I can. I do think at some point I will tell her husband what I think of him. Its not just the situation with him running around on her either, its goes beyond that. I guess tomorrow we will make the best of a tough situation. My sister did send me a text saying she didn't expect me to understand but she loved him and that was all that mattered to her.

Shimmy, I realize the OW is an adult, however, adultery effects the whole family. It is very effective to get parents involved and to have their influence in ending the affair. I would think your mother would want to help her daughter and use her influence.

Exposure is ruinous to affairs. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them ruins the fantasy aspect and causes the affairees to look at themselves through the eyes of others.

Has the OW's husband been told of the affair by any of you?

To my knowledge, the other woman's husband DOES know. I don't know the details of how he found out though.

From what I understand all friends and family know about my sisters husband and the other woman's family and friends know as well. My sister works with her and told me is was very very difficult, and there is no words exchanged or anything and that most all the people they work with have nothing to do with this other woman now.

My husband went over to their house a bit ago to drop something off, and said my sisters husband said to my husband, "Guess you know what all has been going on?" My husband responded by saying, "Yes, we all do." Her husband went on to say, "Well thought I'd see how the grass was on the other side of the fence, and its not all about hitting it 4 or 5 times with this other person, it goes deeper than that!"

My husband said his jaw dropped and simply did not know what to say. H e said he wasn't sure what his comment was supposed to mean or be about but came across as bragging to him. He also said this of course was NOT said with my sister in the room, she was outside at the time. I plan on telling her. That doesn't sound like he is remorseful to me. It sounds like if he feels it goes deeper than that then he still has feeling for this other woman.

Your sister needs to make SURE the OWH knows by telling him herself. She cannot go by the word of liars about this. Liars lie and affairees often claim their spouse and family members "know" so no one will tell them. The more ppl know the greater chance the affair will die. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. Your sister should be in touch with the OWH to make sure the affair stays killed.


Unless your sister has spoken to the OW's family herself, this is probably a LIE. And nothing would be more effective than your mother calling her mother to ask her to influence her D to leave her D's H alone. That can be very powerful.


right, it is an infatuation. It is ALWAYS "deeper" than getting laid. Affairs for just sex are RARE. I hope your H and you both express your DISGUST at his filthy, putrid affair.


He will have feelings for her for quite a while. This is why ending all contact is so essential.

Also, if they have kids, the kids should be told by your sister. Her WS can explain his adultery to his kids after she has given him the FACTS. Lets see how "pretty " his pig affair looks after explaining it to the kids.



All of the things I have suggested above will BUST THE ILLUSION of the affair, Shimmy. Transparency is like chemotherapy to cancer because affairs thrive on secrecy.

You're right, and there is no secret there. Its a small town and all friends and family on both sides know. She told me she told this other woman's husbands and he told the rest of their family/friends.

Anyway.....he came back to her the day before Xmas eve. Told her wanted to work things out for real. She said ok, took him back. As of yesterday afternoon (Xmas Day), he then says to her he really was there for the kids Christmas. He has now left again and said being with her is not what he wanted after all. She told him if he left this time that was it, to not bnother coming back, he said "OK". He has done this two times within two weeks and she has taken him back both times. I guess she really wants to see if things will work or maybe she is in denial herself and just thinks it will, who knows for sure.

Its not fair, he is playing mind games, but he is also playing them with their kids. Its not just him playing these games its also her allowing it to continue to happen every time she takes him back. I will continue to be here for her, its all I can do. I have asked her to post here and she has been hear reading this and other posts, but she said she wasn't ready to make an actual post herself just yet.

Purchase her a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, founder of this site. When she finishes the book, she will have a plan that will work for her, and she'll be supported by people working similar plans right here on these forums.

Plans that work...

If she wants to save her marriage, she should post here. There are people here with experience in breaking up Affairs. She needs to tell us her side, what she thinks, and we can help her move forward (with or without her Husband).

Most Waywards are not trying to play mind games. They are actually torn between right (their commtiment to Marriage) and wrong (the OP). The selfish side goes for Affair and the good person goes for Marraige.

You're right. She says now she is done and doesn't want to save it, who knows what she might say tomorrow. I feel for all involved.

By tomorrow she will probably want him back again. We all rode THAT rollercoaster. I hope she will post here.