So, My H left 3 weeks ago tomorrow. We have been fighting, we have always had arguments and then, we are fine. I am/have been depressed for a long time due to my childhood and all that and I am afraid I have taken it out on him. He says he loves me but, isn't in love with me...and has agreed to see a MC...

We had a lot of good days leading up to this and I think he reached a breaking point...I want him back so bad and I am making the changes necessary....How do I get through this part???

He is my best friend and I love him with all my heart, we have only been married 14 months but, together 4 years.

I don't want to lose him...

I am just looking to hear some of your stories.

xo

I'll gladly take advice too!

You'll see if you look in the Infidelity section, that this phrase is the number one most often used phrase by someone who is having an affair. That means you have probably at least a 75% chance that he is having an affair. He left so he could continue to see the other woman (OW) more easily and not have to sneak around you. You won't believe how predictable every wayward spouse (WS) is once they get into an affair; they all do the same things!

My advice is to hire a PI to follow him to find out the truth. Because if he is having an affair, it completely changes the advice you'll get.

And before you say 'not MY husband,' let me remind you that almost every betrayed spouse (BS) who comes here says that same thing. Until they find out it's true.

Cakes,

I truly feel your pain right now. I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues with depression and my WW.

First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. Are you under a doctors care for your depression RIGHT NOW? If not, that is the first thing you need to do. Long term depression is a nasty problem to deal with at any time, much less in this situation. You need to ensure you are getting the care you need to help you deal with this.

Next, READ the information on this site. It has given me the resources to deal with my WW and almost uncannily predict what she will do next.

I hope I've helped a bit. I too feel so alone at times. Standing up and making the hard decisions is a scary future, but it is yours right now. Do what it takes to strengthen yourself with your faith and taking care of your depression. Then you can worry about him.

I have to agree with catperson. My husband had an EA with an old girlfriend several years ago and I remember this line as if he delivered it yesterday. At the time, I was pretty ignorant about infidelity and always thought that, no matter how bad things got, he would never cheat. So I sort of blew off this comment as more of a barometer of our marriage being at a low point. I realize now he was deep in the throes of infatuation that came with the EA.

Thank you, Friends!

He still insists that he isn't cheating and he has told me that is is over. I think he would tell me by now that he was seeing someone else right? What does he have to lose, we have no children and we rent our house.

He really hurt me yesterday, if he wanted to, he could have told me then and he said nothing.

I don't know...I wouldn't put it past him, that's for sure...If he can leave me, he can see someone else...

I wish the best for all of you, I hope you find happiness...I truely do.

Hello Cakes!

My EXH also would NEVER own up to an A. I was in complete, and utter denial that he WOULD. But, long story short, he was having an A. He would NEVER, EVER own up to it.

Wanna know why? Because if it did not work out with her, he knew my stance on cheating, and he knew that if he were to admit he was cheating, that it would tarnish him in my mind.

They don't want you to know. So they can keep doing what they are doing, keep you up in the air... it is easier to do that than to say, "Why yes. I am sleeping with/ having fantasies about someone else. I want to try this out for a while, see how it goes, and if it does not go well, well, I just MAY come back to you."

This may be a silly question, but why do you want to stay M to him? Did you ever write a list, you know the one, the good and bad about the relationship, so that you could put it into an objective light? I know when I did, I actually CRIED. Because I realized that I was not happy with my EXH either, not at all.

Get treatment for your depression, and really think about things. Especially if you do not have kids.

Thank You Sadmo,

I don't think I am in denial only because I believe it could be true...I really do believe that but, you made a lot of sense to me...I am becoming stronger by the day.

The only reason why I would stay with him is because, no matter what, I think he is having a hard time and unsure if what is going on in his life. If there is infidelity, I don't know exactly what I would do...I can't 100% say I would never take him back. Even though it would crush me and I may never get over it....

it's the kind of thing where I don't know what I am going to do, as it is right now with all the info I know, I would be able to take him back...If something is revealed...I can't say for sure what my next step would be.

You opened my eyes in a different way and I appreciate that.

Best to you and your's....

From a male's perspective, I have to stongly disagree. I've both used and heard that staement and infidelity NOT be the issue. When I've used that statement, and I do remember how I felt when I said it, I wasn't having an affair. People just get to a point where they DO love the person they're with, but not have the "in love" feelings they once had in the past. Mostly, I think this is caused from not meeting each others emotional needs and/or expectations. This statement doesn't mean your husband doesn't love and certainly doesn't mean he's having an affair. You don't need to start believing that at this point. If there are other factors where you might think an affair is possible, that's another story. Right now, to read such an assumption from a 'blog' will only depress and further damage your possibilities of reconciliation. You do, however, need to give your husband some "space" during this time. Don't call, don't e-mail, don't text...make no contact with him. Instead, let him have time to think and start missing you. Trust me, it will happen! And when he calls, and he WILL, don't immediately jump into the pathetic "please don't leave me, I need you so bad" stuff. Just keep the conversation light and cheery. Wish him a Merry Christmas and ask about his interests (focus on what he's interested in). I've been exactly where you're at before and I'm sorry that you're having to go this. Especially at the holidays. Do yourself a favor...don't just sit around the house looking at old photographs and thinking right now. Get out and get your mind off the situation. It will help, even if only temporarily.

Steve, you're quite right that it could be something else. I fell out of love with my H because he never met my needs. However, if she doesn't take steps to find out if it is true, if it IS true, she is wasting any effort to get him back, because he's like being addicted to a drug. Once she finds out, she can determine what to do.

I also had second thoughts about my post where I stated that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" statement probably meant an affair. It often turns out to be this way but when I examine my own feelings of late, I find that this is exactly the way I feel about my husband and I've never had an affair! I've come to realize that like catperson's H, my husband has not met my emotional needs and over time--certainly not all at once--I've fallen completely out of love with him. I still care a great deal about him--I do love him. But it's not a love that can sustain a relationship. So from my perspective, feeling the way that I do, I think we need to figure out how we can fix what is broken, or we need to split up. I've already proposed we separate (as the OPs husband has done), because I need space to figure out how I feel about the future. And to be honest, I'm hoping that we'll have a better shot at fixing our relationship when we're not together 24/7. Maybe I'll figure out how to fall in love with him again.

Speaking for my husband (which I probably shouldn't do, so warning--these are assumptions only), I'm guessing he made that statement to me for much of the same reasons. I wasn't meeting his emotional needs.

The danger in all this though, is if one or both spouses are not meeting each other's emotional needs, the situation *is* ripe for an affair, if it hasn't already happened. Thus, the warnings we gave you.

Good luck!

OurHouse,
I have a lot of concern about your posts. I have done extensive research on this subject, interviews, books, support groups, professional interview, etc. My questions is when you say you have fallen completely out of love with him, it usually means an affair. Now if you take the term affair as most people do, it means sex with another person. Although you say you have never had an affair, if by that that definition you probably haven't. BUT if you have shared your inner most fears, dreams and hopes with someone else, you have cheated on your spouse. You may not be having sex with some one, but if there is some one who you turn to all the time, this is your affair partner. It can be your best girlfriend, a co-worker, anyone. So of course you would fall out of love with him. You took away from him the thing that makes you vulnerable and allows him to connect emotionally with him. Have you made the effort to let him meet your emotional needs?

The other thing that I hear repeatly time and time again. "I have fall out of love." Well that is the normal step to a relationship, you then move into "true love" where two people who have known eachother for a while, know their faults, their idiosycracies, who they REALLY are and still love each other. That is bigger than being "in love". Some how we like to give they feeling of being "in love" more weight. Probably because of the "high" we get from it. Another reason why affairs are so distructive and considered addictions. We get addicted to the high. But "true" authentic love, gives you safety and security, a familiarity that only comes with time and effort. Anyone can fall in love, but how many people are up to the challenge of finding true love. Now there are ways to get the "high" back in a true love relationship. Only sharing your intimate feelings, hopes, dreams etc. with your spouse makes them special to you and to them and to your unique relationship. You can find a way back to this relationship if your up to it. You make up half of the equation. One person can make a difference.

As for the advice the person gave about separating and giving some distance, I tend to whole heartedly DISAGREE. Actually look at what they are saying. By putting space between you two, will help make it work??? Hmm, sounds a little manipulative and counterproductive. Usually works for a while, but then backfires. All that this action will do is put distance, space, lack of connections, experiences not shared between you. Don't remove yourself from the "ball game." I would highly recommend not moving out on either end. It allows him to give more of his time and not have to sneak around with the OW and you lose that connection.

Here is the best advice you will ever get. Be the best wife you can be. Give him reasons why you are the better choice then her. Be the spouse that every man in the world would want. You must do this consistent over an indefinite period of time. Don't be derailed by the words, actions, or behavior. Show them how great this can all be. This is also about you. Are you the kind of person who knows who she is, without having to find it in something else, someone else. Can you find happiness within yourself?

If you do this with determination and believe that you can make the difference, you will have an entirely different relationship then you did before. He will become your solemate.

Watch out for advice from everyone, family, friends, even therapists. The best course of action is only positive behaviors and actions over a period of time.

Good luck!

I am glad I see that I am not the only one in this at times. Yes I had the "i love you but not in love with you" statement as well as if so/so wasn't in the picture I would come back. I am very glad I was able to pull away. Although I got blamed for the majority of the reasons she did what she did, even though I did everything I could, except wait on her hand and foot. I am still seperated, been about 9 months now. We are in the works of a divorce which is the last step left of our life, since we took care of the kids custody support and things of that nature.