So now I really do want to bop him....

My DH got a new job in the summer of 2007. At his company they were completely redoing his department...so he ended up getting on the committee to do that. Since March of 2008 he has been in Germany off and on (mostly on), and in August accepted a position in Germany. We told DD15 and DD12 in August and originally we were supposed to move to Germany in November. This was POJA'd and I thought we were good.

Come November it turns out there was a "paperwork mixup" so no moving until January. Then there were more business trips (he is in charge of Europe and Africa for his dept) scheduled for February. So I kept trying to pin him down on a move date (RED FLAG #1) but he keeps putting it off.

When he did come home and visit, he was not hostile, but he was not physically or emotionally affectionate. This as been going on all fall. (RED FLAG #2)

Over Thanksgiving I had a "honey do" list for him to do which he was very resentful (RED FLAG #3)of but did get done with no problem.

He came home on 12/21 (why not on 12/19? Why stay in Germany over the weekend?(RED FLAG #4)) and whenever the family was doing stuff (going out to dinner, spending Xmas eve with my side of the family) he is on the blackberry "looking up stuff" and what not.?(RED FLAG #5)

He had gotten a bonus at work but didn't mention it until I asked about some stock he wanted to buy, wondering where the funds where coming from.(RED FLAG #6)

So it all comes to a head today, on Christmas. Around 3:00pm he leaves the house. There is no reason to leave the house on Xmas.
I asked him where he went and he said he had to get out of the house. (GIANT RED FLAG #7) Why, I ask. "Everybody was doing there own thing." Not true, I said as I had just asked him if he wanted to play his new Wii game and he told me "later, but go set it up." So of course that was totally bogus.

So I ask him what is going on because nobody leaves on Xmas just because.

Me: Is there another woman?
Him: Yes.
Me: Is it the person who had visited the U.S. and even had dinner with us as a family and who he had to "drive back" to her hotel?
Him: Yes.
Me: So what are your intentions? Should we even move to Germany with him?
Him: He doesn't think so.
Me: So what about the kids?
Him: They can visit.

What on earth should I do now? I am not sure how long all this has been going on but definitely all fall. I have been thinking something is not right for a while and had even said if there was anything he needed to tell me he should as I could tell there was something go on with the lack of affection.

Wanna, by your registration date, would this be his second affair? And is it the same person as before?

I'm so very sorry you are back here if it is. I can't even imagine that at all. You know the people on here care very much for all of us so you have come home to the right place.

I believe that the first affair was an emotional affair. We had recovered. This one I don't know if it is EA or PA.

Can you explain how you had recovered? Do you know if it's the same person?

So he has basically admitted to having an A, just not sure whether it's EA or PA?

It's not the same person, as I know the names of the two different people. We recovered by my confronting him, and he agreed to stop seeing the person. I had stopped the AO and DJs and tried to meet his Emotional needs.

Him being away for so long made it tough to meet his ENs. He basically put the burden on me to contact him as it was "cheaper" that way and I made sure to try to contact him on a regular basis. Now I can tell that was another RED FLAG.

He has admitted to having an affair right before we were supposed to move across the ocean to be with him.

Well, I guess my next question is, do you want your M? Are you willing to go through recovery again?

I do want my Marriage. I feel resentful as I was doing all the work to "support my man" and "keep up the homefront" while he was away...and what do I get?

So, he has admitted to this affair, today?

Tomorrow can you start exposing?

When you were here last time, what did you learn about affairs and how to break them up?

Do you do Plan A or Plan B then?

Yes, he admitted it today.

I am trying to figure out who to expose to.
Certainly his parents...but I want to be careful going further than that right now as he can just run away to Germany.

Last time I learned that I needed to meet his ENs. I was being snarky when he would come home late (because he was spending time with his OW). I learned to make home a place he would want to be.

I thought I had been doing that as best as I could meeting his ENs being thousands of miles away. I plan A'd him last time...and I am not sure what more I can do now.

I don't know how Plan B would work as he has already basically been having somebody else meet his ENs while he was in Germany.
I am not sure if he would detect it being different...sure I was doing Domestic Support and Family Support back here...but he wasn't here!

How long have you been married?

So you confronted him and basically he gave you the wayward crap?

I personally, but we need to check with the way more knowing people suggest Plan B. Are you financially capable of taking care of yourself.

It seems to me he has no boundaries where you are concerned and can do whatever he pleases without much repercussions? Is this correct?

We have been married since 1987. We have DD15 and DD12.

He admitted it when I confronted him while we were making dinner. He just basically clammed up and I have not talked to him further tonight as I don't want to ruin Xmas for the kids.

Then how you proceed will depend on if he is willing to write a NC letter and give her up forever. Call the Harleys, etc.

It seems to me that finding out what he is willing to do will help you with the next step... Exposure being a given...

Do you have family around you, a good support system?

His parents live in the next state over as do 2 of his sisters. My stepmom lives in my state.

I will have to ask what he is willing to do but I am not expecting much at this point in time.

I'm so sorry you are here yet again. Man, I know how you feel. My Dday was 2 years ago today. Same sitch - travel job and met her in another state. She called our house on Xmas evening. This will be a day I hate forever.

Is the OW German?

I don't think she is German but maybe Czech? Definitely from Europe though.

It seems to be, that if he ISN'T willing to work on the M and recovery, then Plan B is all you can do, given you want to R the M.

So, are you able to take care of yourself and the children financially?

Being Christmas it's slow on here tonight. I'm sure the vets who have more experience will chime in, but in my experience, you have done a Plan A.... and he still got into another A.

Have you two been working MB principles all the way through?

I agree with Queenie. You've been doing Plan A for like 8 years, right?

I doubt that A will last long. If he does move, eventually he is going to miss his family and American traditions too much. Communications with her will be too difficult I believe. They have no history whatsoever to share, and probably not a whole lot in common due to the cultural differences. I would Plan B his [censored] and let the little Czechy meet his ENs.

In this case I don't know if Plan B would be out of sight, out of mind. Any way, I wouldn't say I have been Plan Aing him for 8 years, but had been trying to have a mutually EN meeting marriage which until last year I would say we were.

How long is he home right now?

I would recommend Plan A for now, even if it's very short. He needs to know what he's going to be missing when you go to Plan B.

Just count on this A being a PA. There's no chance that it's not after so long with them together exclusively.

Finances permitting, at the conclusion of your Plan A, I would also recommend that you and the kids make a surprise trip out there. Assuming he's not living with the OW, you could get in a last few days of Plan A in person, and give him your PBL as you leave. Even if he IS living with her, if you're prepared for it, you might be able to pull off a few good interactions while staying in a hotel.



So sosry you're back for this.

We (he) had already signed a lease for the place we were to stay in so he will be going back to an empty house. Now I wonder if he is thinking he will be taking any furniture with him.