Hello, I am new here. My sister posted here and wanted me to post as well, saying others have thought it was best I post too! For those who want more about my situation, you can read my sisters post called, "Having a hard time being supportive."

I really did not want to post. I have been reading some of what others have said. I don't know what to do, or think at this point and guess I haven't for some time now. I probably seem wishy washy in my thinking, maybe that is common, I really do not know. I no longer know what I want. one day I want to save the marriage, and next I don't. I try to look at things from a more positive view but its hard some days. I try to think about the good times we shared but then the bad creeps in and takes over.

I know this is vague, but its all I can muster up to write for now. I'll try to respond later and the best I know how.


Jilly

This is a good thing that you are here.
It's a terrible place to be and it is also a great place to be.

There is so much info and advice, advice that makes sense. Although I am new here also, I'm amazed how it really does work. It is really hard, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

Women are strong, amazingly strong, you are strong, stronger than you think right now.

The first 3 threads on this forum are very helpful if you haven't already read them.

Keep reading....you will gain knowledge, which in turn is strength, which in turn is power.



Take care

Thank you. I'll continue to check things out here.

Welcome to MB. Betrayal is a horrible shock and you will feel like you are on a rollercoaster for some time. One day you will want to save the marriage and the next day you won't. We all felt like that at first.

Plan A is the beginnning point, where you show your husband what a great wife you could be and eliminate anything he complained about before the affair.

His coming home just for Christmas is fairly normal. Many WS's do that, and then leave.

An important thing to do is to notify the other woman's husband about the affair. That often ends them.

Hello, thanks for the Welcome!

The other woman's husband already knows. We we all friends to begin with. My husband came clean with me and told me, he moved out to his dad's. She came clean to her husband, she moved out to an apt. I work with her. We used to go do stuff together with her and her husband. Her little boy used to play with my little boy.


I am amazed at how much he flip flops about all of this. I'm sure he is confused as well. We had a long talk before he left again yesterday afternoon. I asked what it was the other person could provide him with that I couldn't. He responded by saying, "She can love me like you can't."

I was floored and not sure how it is I can't love him like she can but obviously I can not. My kids do not know exactly what is going on. They know of course, something isn't right but they are not sure what. I have been told by friends and family they need to know. How in the world do I approach this? Should he be present as well or just me to tell them?

take a look at this

carrot/stick plan A

Hi Jilly, I would ask the mods to move this over to General Questions 11 where there is more traffic. [just click on the notify button at the bottom of this post and tell them]

Your children should be told BY YOU alone so they get the TRUTH. They should be told that adultery is immoral and why it is immoral and given moral guidance. They should also never be around the OW or her family again. I would suggest telling them yourself alone and then letting your H know they know so he can explain to them why he is destroying their lives for his "happiness." He needs to explain his actions to his kids. But tell them first so they are not fed lies and spin by your fogged out, selfish husband.

Plan A means doing as much as possible to interfere with their affair so you can save your marriage. And since affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure is your best weapon.

Would your mother be willing to call the OW's parents and ask them to use their influence to get their daughter to quit tramping around with a married woman? Your parents and her parents could have some influence on this affair.

My next post will be some statements made by Dr Harley and by Dr Laura about telling children.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

"The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight."

AND

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

"Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse)."

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. If anyone wants the MP3, email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Thank you.

My kids are 8, 6, and 3 years of age. I am planning on telling them over the next few days. They are out of school until after the first of the year, so I figured over the holiday break would be a good time, so maybe they will have a little time to absorb things before going back to school.

As far as my mother talking to her parents, her dad lives in another state and they don't have alot of contact, and her mother is deceased, is all I know.

This is what all Affairrees think. He is living in a fantasy world. He thinks the fantasy will last forever, but sadly (or Happily for you) the real world always comes back. You can only 'escape' responsibility for so long. Most affairs end b/c once the fantasy ends, the affiar ends. Sorry that you are here, but the wise folks here have a lot to offer you.

Prior to engaging Plan A, I think you need to sort out if you really want to save the marriage. If you do, then Plan A etc are supposed to give you the best chance.
But, really think about whether you want to be married to someone that cheated on you. Some folks can be okay with it. Others cannot.
Sorry you are being abused in this way by your husband.

I think one day I do want to save it, the next I don't. I'm so confused its just crazy! I'm not sure I can be okay with it. I can't see always wondering what he is doing behind my back...if he is doing this again...if he wants too etc. That just doesn't sound like a good way to live to me.

Well, I guess regardless, Plan A would at least give you a shot at killing the A. My marriage crumbled after my wife's affairs. But, by exposing, I killed the affair(it took some time), thereby keeping the OM out of my children's lives.
Exposing is really the best thing I did. It saved my reputation, as she was lying about me to justify her affair. It got the OM away from my kids. And, ift made my XW face consequences which may lead her to get therapy and make her a better mom.
I think you should look into therapy for yourself. It could help you figure out if living with someone that has cheated on you is something you can do long term. Most folks cannot. Some can.

Jilly, my advice to you would be to NOT make any decisions right now when you are under duress. You lose very little if you execute Plan A, but you lose alot if you don't. But you don't forfeit your prerogative to give up the marriage if you do Plan A.

Will he move home? It is alot easier to save a marriage if he is there than if he is not. Is he still talking to the OW?

Have you spoken to her husband yourself? Have you spoken to his dad yourself? The reason I am asking is because it is very common for adulterers to tell their spouse that "OP's husband/mother/whatever already knows" in order to KEEP YOU FROM TELLING THAT PERSON.

It would be helpful if you spoke to the OWH yourself and compared notes and pledged to work together to kill this affair. I would make sure that all of his family members have the TRUE story because waywards are always liars and often lie or spin the truth.

Yes, I have spoken to the OW's husband. As I said earlier we used to hang out with them and go do things together. We were all friends at one point. I have seen him, asked him if he knew about what his wife and my husband were doing, he said yes, she told him right before she moved out into her apt.

Jilly - how was the marriage before the affair?

Also does the OW's husband want to save his marriage?

He was a good provider and father. However,he held lots of things over my head, from the past, things I can't do anything about now, and he can't seem to let those things go etc. It was like he got some kind of enjoyment from reminding me of things I have no control over from the past etc.

I was always told that I didn't love him like HE wanted or thought he should be loved. He is right in that sense I guess, because I did love him but I was never a very affectionate person, as in all mushy kinds of love. I was always serious I guess, never playful or passionate. Its just the way I am I suppose, and I guess that wasn't good enough. I was always told I had issues but he enver said he had any nor did he address any of them. It was always ON me, everything was always MY fault.

As far as her husband wanting to save the marriage, he did tell me he has tried and told his wife if she wanted to work things out with their marriage, she would have to drop all contact with my husband, he said, she told him she wasn't willing to do that. My husband told me the same thing when i told him he needed to drop all contact with her.

Well, Saturday evening I told the kids. I told them by myself, it was very hard. I did NOT tell them what some here said I should and I probably will at some point, but didn't right now. The 3 year old is really to young to understand, he didn't say anything and was to busy wanting to go back and play with his trains. My other two kids, 8 and 6, didn't say anything. They showed no emotion, they didn't cry or anything. They didn't ask any question and I told them to feel free to if they felt they needed to. Maybe they will at some point I don't know.

They went back to playing as usual. Its been going so long now with him not being home and then home again, that I really think they knew something was up. I called my sister after it was over and told her I told them. She came over, loaded up the kids and she took us all out to eat. Which was nice to get out some after all of that. Just thought I'd share that I had told them. Now I'm in the process of closing out the bank account that is taking what little money we have in there to buy is OW things.