Good Morning All!

Merry Christmas to you and Happy Birthday Jesus! Blessing to you guys!

Thanks to everyone who posted and took the time to read yesterdays nightmare.

Well I woke up this morning, DS10 in my bed still, have tried to get him out but it is a nightmare. So we just woke up he rolled over to me and i grabbed him and said Merry Christmas son! He said Merry Christmas mom. DD17 is up but ran in the shower before I could tell her.

AJ, thank you so much for you post. I know these things but it is great to hear from you, if that makes sense. It gives me hope as hearing you I would never ever have thought you were once a walk away, truly what a transformation. I can only hope the same for Mr. T2L. Were you very very very stubborn?

Neak, thanks as always, you story is a blessing and your posts are a treasure to me! Shoot i treasure ALL of your posts...Lil B, Lil Turtle, Lildoggie, Lil Neak, Lil thunder, Lil Jayne, Lil SMB, Lil PM, Lil queenie, now Big AJ, Lil Kimmy, Lil Pep....I know I am forgetting more, forgive me its early here in Cali.

PM, I do agree, he shouldn't bad mouth me to DD17, I a m not sure how that got started. I think dD17 was really mad that he should have been here last night so she was snotty to him telling him she should have been here and he went into it about being all my fault. Again all my fault!

Jayne, Yes I was praying and crying out to the Lord! I said Lord I just don't deserve this what have I done to deserve this, Lord deliver my family and then bam!

Well, gonna get ready to go to visit family this morning, Hope you all have wonderful Christmas! I'll post tonight.


:MerryChristmas: :happynewyear:

Lil Thndr

(Big Thndr sounds better, but it also sounds alot like Neakie-poo getting coal in her stocking next year.)

Big Thndr sounds a lot like Neakie-poo hoping that coal (I wrote "cola" the first time) is the ONLY bad thing she gets in her stocking next year!!! Or even sooner...

tl

:MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk:

Merry Christmas T2L!

Your WH sounds just like they all do. Like PM's FWH, my FWH doesn't remember some of the worst he said. Wish I couldn't.

Keep the faith.

T/J - Neak - how is your son doing?

T2L, would you consider sitting down with your daughter and practicing some interactions with her father? She is being raked over the coals with him because of the Plan B, and while I admire her fighting for you, it is doing decades of destruction to her. You just have no idea the self-hatred and guilt and doubt she's piling up inside for choosing sides, for helping you, for letting you in on what he says, for being his 'voice', just on and on.

I don't want you to stop Plan B, but I wish you could find a way to help her see that it isn't her job to defend you OR herself, and that there is no guilt in hanging up on her father.

Help her act out some possible conversations she might have with him, so she'll be ready the next time he tries to manipulate her. Kids really need this acting out thing, cos they don't have our experience to know what's ok and what's not ok. She'll love you for protecting her that way.

T2L, I think Catperson brings up an important issue.

I think it is good that your daughter has been strong enough to stand up for right and wrong. And your WH needs to see that he is destroying more than just a marriage.

When my daughter was challenging her dad during his affair, I tried very hard to let THEIR relationship be THEIRS. I did not protect him from the consequences of losing respect and admiration from his daughter. He tried hard to pull me into THEIR relationship and get me to cooperate with him manipulating our children into believing his fog crap. He would get royally pi$$ed when I refused to cooperate.

My daughter refused to visit or even talk with FWS for a time (and they had been VERY close throughout her life). I told her I would not push her into seeing or talking with him. But I also told her that no matter what, he was important in her life and that she needed him. I told her that in time, she was going to NEED to have a relationship with him because it was important FOR HER. She balked at that. And that was OK. She had anger and hurt probably as deep as I did. She needed time. But I wanted her to know that at some point, I did expect her to re-establish a relationship on her terms. I wanted her to not feel guilt (like she was betraying me) when the time came that she wanted to let her guard down again with him. She needed to know that there relationship was between them and would not affect my relationship with her.

Your daughter needs protected from the DRAMA that WS is drawing her into. And you need protected from it. He is using her to get to you...and it is working. But it WILL take its toll on your daughter.

There is enough damage in THEIR relationship all on its own to deliver consequences for him to see that he is destroying more than he thinks he is.

I suggest you just simply tell your daughter that it is your job to protect her and that you want her to tell WS that she is not willing to discuss you anymore.

Well back from the family visit, went pretty good up to a point then H was again being a [censored]. He did not contact the kids until 1PM and via text to DD17's cell phone asking how it was going and if they liked there gifts. DD17 said yes we our things. He then told her well tell everyone I said Hello. DD17 looked at me like what???? And she said dad I don't think that would be a good idea everyone is already sad that you are not here with family. He responded once again this proves what I am talking about that your mom should not have told everyone. He is a jerk.

But overall the kids had a great time seeing cousins and I am glad I did not stay home.

I just read everyone's recommendations and I will talk with DD17 tonight and discuss what you have mentioned and maybe the roll play too.

DD17 told him yesterday, dad do you think I am stupid I do have a brain I do have my own thoughts.

DS10 has been a bit upset with his dad the last 2 days over the situation, and he heard DD17 talking to dad so he is now mad as well. They are supposed to visit tomorrow. I have no idea if the kids want to go we'll see.


Thanks for the help guys, I'll take of it tonight when we get settled in.

Opinions please, I want to sell my 15 year anniversary band and I want to flush my wedding ring in the toilets. Is that mean? I just feel like the wedding covenant is broken they have no meaning anyone and I feel like if he does come back which I can barely see at this point I would want a new rings and renewed vows. I think I will list them on Ebay. I may use the money to start an investment account in my name. I have nothing at this point. Is that wrong?


Off to the bathtub to relax...promise no crying tonight... :MerryChristmas:

If those rings keep reminding you of your sad situation,
I mean, you are to be thinking (good) thoughts of you and your personal recovery-- not dwelling on things you can not change now-- if these rings are a trigger... I think it would be healthy to... put them away in a safe place.

and do your best to forget about them for the current. It does not mean you have given up- it just means that -- you need to focus on other things.

Your daughter sounds like an amazing young lady.

I am impressed with your holiday party, your positive spirit with your kids and God. I was very angry (still found out I kind of still am) at God for what happened to me. I am impressed that you don't blame.

Congratulations on a great plan B thru the holidays. It had to really su*K and you still did well.

Remember, you shouldn't make any drastic decisions right now that you might regret later... I would hold off on selling the rings. You can always sell them later; you can't always get them back should you change your mind. You could put them away in a safe place, out of sight... or you could think of it as saving them for later, for your DD, maybe in a different setting or as a necklace or something. I would just hate to see you regret selling them.

Lil Barbicat,(Sorry I give everyone Lil)

Well I actually never take out or see the rings, but I just thought about it and was like they are a meaningless symbol of what used to be a marriage covenant so why keep it? Sell it and "IF" we recover he can buy new ones. I don't ever think about the rings ever really but how can I put them on again. If our marriage has to start over and become new then I feel I want a new symbol of our love.

I try to think about "me" during this lovely plan B but mostly it seems like I am using all my energies to stand in the gap and intercede for my H and marriage. Almost seems hard to focus on me. I don't know if that's just me or if its a true burden from God that he has place on me or what, but that just feels like the way I am being led.

I am so sorry you have had or still have angry feelings towards God. I do not get mad at him as I know he had nothing to do with the attack against my family. The bible says that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and that's where this comes from. I believe God in his goodness tried to stop my H tried to correct him and guide him but that the influence of the enemy overwhelmed my H. My H did not as the bible says, resist the devil and he will flee from you. So with this circumstance I choose to direct the anger towards the correct person responsible, the devil.

I remind myself that though the whole world can pass away God will still remain and nothing can take that from me. God is life, Mr. T2L is not life. I sure do love my H, it sure is hard, as pain makes you want to hate in return, but what would the purpose of becoming bitter do for me? It will only poison me so I fight to not allow that bitterness to take root and it a'int easy, at times I just wanna be angry and bitter and I feel it and its at that very moment I run, not walk, to my bedroom close the door and kneel before God and give him that pain and seek his face and allow him to pour love on me so that I am able to stand and that he will hear my prayers and that my prayers will not be hindered because of my unforgiveness.

I can't see recovery right now, I truly can't but I can see a God who took the Apostle Paul, a murderer of Christians, and turned him around miraculously to become a voice of God and write 3/4 of the new testament. I can see a God who got the attention of Jonah(that's my H to a "T") and he fulfilled his call. I can see a God who nothing is impossible and is sovereign and I remind myself that my H is a child of God too. I see a God who never gives up on us or none of us would have access to heaven. I see a God who made a way when there seemed to be no way and redeemed all mankind, so I guess If I can keep my eyes on God he can take of recovery, whatever that may mean-either marriage or recovering myself. I know he will not leave me nor forsake me so he won't leave or forsake my H. Even if grace one day leaves me God will pursue my H all the days of his life to bring him back to Christ.

God loves you Barbie and this was not his plan for your life, but God is a God of congruent planning! He always has 2 plans running at the same time and He is never caught off guard. He will absolutely get you to the place he wants you to. Yes it hurts for all of us, and he can take each of our pains. Christ bore our pain so we would not have to, He was mocked so we wouldn't have to be, He was abandoned so we wouldn't have to be so all we have to do is lay it down.

I need to shut up cuz I am babbling. Anyways made it through Christmas.

I am looking forward to 2009, I want to leave 2008 behind.

T/J response from tl, since Neak is busy in the kitchen. Are you wanting to know the status of the actual wounds, or the ostentatious invalidism of the victim? :RollieEyes: Oops! Am I giving myself away? His hand is very swollen and looks deformed, but the wounds are not inflamed at all. The knee is closing well, too, which is good because it was fairly wide and they didn't suture it shut because of the risk of infection so I was worried that it would heal slowly and leave a big scar. He looks good enough, woundwise, that I took off his ace bandages, etc. and told him to leave all his punctures and rips exposed to air until bedtime. That kid would argue with a post, and he was reluctant to part with his bandages, both for security's AND drama's sakes, but do I really need to say who won in the end?

We went to sing in the nursing home today and he walked around with his large bandaged hand displayed prominently up in the air, and a stiff-legged, hobbling gait "because I can't bend my knee." Then he came home and bragged to someone else that he could sit down on the floor and play a game "because I can cross my legs now." So I told him that he couldn't claim both being able AND unable to bend his knee, so I expected him to start walking like a regular human being now and not Frankenstein's monster. Are there soft, cuddly grandmas in the world? Not here, at any rate. Long answer.

Short answer: He's doing fine, if you ask me. If you ask him, he is severely disabled but hopes someday, in the far distant future, to be restored to health and vigor once more.

tl

I've taken to calling him "Handi-moto", aka "The Hunchhand".

I think it's much funnier than he does.

Yup. The second Christmas after my DH was home, he surprised me in front of the whole family with new wedding rings. He started by giving me one small package, I opened that up and it was directions via a poem on where to look for my "gift". This went on about four times in different places in the living room until I finally got to my real "gift". By this point, I was dancing with excitement. I opened it and it was a beautiful set of rings. Everyone in the room had tears in their eyes because they knew our history.

We haven't renewed our vows yet though because the one time it was supposed to happen, he was going to "surprise" me at church on a Sunday morning in front of the whole church. Thank goodness I got wind of it and put a stop to it. Who knows what I would have worn that morning or if I would have even washed my hair! LOL. I want our renewal vows to be a big shindig because our first wedding was so small. Maybe we'll do it on our 35th.

So as for your rings, if they don't mean the same to you anymore, I wouldn't get rid of them (they still mean SOMETHING!), but I would just put them away. I still have mine and I'll probably end up making another piece of jewelry out of them.

Yup, after all, that's what you did with your marriage - took the same material and made something new and better.

It is not "mean" to flush your rings down the toilet, but, don't do that.

I kept my wedding ring in my car's ash tray. I thought this was a perfect place to symbolically place what I considered "burnt waste".

The covenant is broken. You are correct.

I did not know if I would want renewed vows or a new ring ... but in the end, during recovery, I did not want either. I have my reasons, and my reasons are suitable for me and quite possibly not applicable to others.

So, just put the rings somewhere and forget about them for now.

I bet you that your WH has not flushed his ring down the toilet. He has it stored somewhere.

QUESTION for every betrayed wife:

Did your husband get rid of his wedding ring when he was wayward, or did he just take it off and put it aside?

My WH wore his ring - it was a week later I DEMANDED he remove his ring because he wore it while he ****ed her , and it was offensive for me to look at it on his hand.

He removed it for a few days - then slipped it back on and said "I am married to you." (pissed me off at the time, but actually impresses me today)

Today is our D day anniversary by-the-way. I feel GREAT!

Agree with everyone on the rings. Put them away. You really have no idea what you will feel like in recovery. The day I took mine off and put them away, I could never imagine wearing them again.

I planned to sell mine, as well as a 7-diamond journey necklace he gave me 3 months before his affair. He told me each diamond was for each of us and our children. I was also going to burn my wedding dress.

When tst returned home, he offered to buy a new wedding set for me. I told him no. I wanted the set he chose for me 20 years ago. It's our history. I'm trying to reclaim our 24 year history toegher, and keeping my rings was part of that.

We each have our own way of claiming our lives and marriages again. There is no right or wrong way. Be patient. The time will come to make those decisions.

I still want to burn the dress, but I proudly wear my rings and necklace. I can't explain why I still want to destroy one but not the other. Maybe I just love diamonds. (heehee)

My point being, if you recover, you may feel differently about many things.

Be still and wait on the Lord.

T2L, my FWH, tst, told me this morning that he had an out-of-the-blue thought about your situation and felt pressed to pass it on to you (maybe God, maybe just FWS's wisdom at this point). I told him I would post it to you today.

He said your WS is using your DD as an IM by texting her info about visits with son. He needs that door closed in his face. He must be REQUIRED to use the IMs.

Then I was thinking that everytime he texts her during your family time, he is busting through your plan B. He is able to invade your home without ever entering it. You see her face, you hear her words, and you are still experiencing the drama.

It's a tough line as a mama. As tst said this morning to me...You need to know what fog babble he is feeding them so that you can counter it with Scripture and truth. They need your guidance and teaching, especially now in this deep spiritual battle for all your souls. BUT on the other side of that line is that you need protected from that babble. So, if DD can learn to shut off the babble by refusing to engage him in it, it will benefit all of you.

I remember thinking that in the state of mind FWS was in during the affair, the less interaction the children had with him, the better, because he was twisting truth and Scripture and allowing satan to speak to their hearts.

It IS so much bigger than just an affair. I know you get that.

Funny thing would you like to know, he lost our 1st set of wedding rings in a karate sparring class probably about12 years ago, he was really upset went back tried to find them called for a week to see if they showed up, but they were lost.

Then about 5 years ago I got him a new one, if I am correct he lost that one too, I wasn't bothered that much as I thought that our covenant is more than a ring.

Ok I will put them away, just looking at them sitting here on my desk is making me sick! I can't stand them now! Its true I may feel differently later but because of what he has done they are meaningless, absolutely meaningless.


Awe....

Congrats on not feeling anything bad on D-day anniversary! That is worth.....