I'm new here and just started posting here earlier today in another section on the forum.

Just out of curiosty for those who have been cheated on, and if you saw some signs what were some of the signs you saw?

I was blindsided by my husbands affair. I have had some people say how is that possible? Most people do see signs they just do not want to see them. I honestly didn't see any myself. What were some you saw?

Wrong number phone calls (which I had jokingly said "must be your girl friend" ~~~ and it was).

Changed email password he had given me years prior.

Credit card and cell phone bills missing, but I was too busy to notice.

He clicked back to the desktop whenever I walked into the computer room.

So many more, but I was just as blind because it was unfathomable that anyone would want him (long story).

Ace

20+ text messages a day to another man.

We're "just friends" statement when I asked why she had gotten another man's phone number.

Jilly00, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you but you've found the right place. MB is full of amazing people that have been in the same situation as you. Have you read through the Basic Concepts and ordered any of the books through the bookstore tab? They are extremely helpful as a way to help you heal and understand the mindset of the waywards.

I am just over two months from my D-Day. Looking back, I want to kick myself for not opening my eyes to some of the things that were happening, but I believe that I wasn't strong enough to handle it at the time. Here are a couple of the things that happened:

* "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speach
* "She's just a friend" (that would call after work, send him messages on messenger, and want to get together all the time with the kids)
* "She's having a hard time with her husband and just needs someone to talk to" - I had suggested she talk to both of us, but he failed to make that happen
* He went for rides so he could do his writing at night
* He became rude, judgemental, angry, accusing, withdrawn, twisting words around and making everything my fault, he spent more time away from home, worked later hours, went to the gym more, neglected me and our DD
* He never put his cell phone down. He used to drop it on the table when he came home and suddenly he wasn't without it. He put it on silent so I wouldn't know someone was calling or texting. He even took it to the bathroom with him (I know now that was one of his escape places to go to contact her)
* He never texted before - thought it was the dumbest thing in the world and all of a sudden he's all into it.

There are many more - I just can't remember them all atm.

Are you wanting to work this out? Is he? Take care of yourself. No matter what you decide, please read as much as you can on the MB concepts and the books - they work wonders!

There are times I want to work it out, and other times I don't want too. He has been back in forth between me and her several times over the past week to two weeks. One minute he wants to work it out, the next he doesn't. I guess part of it is me, allowing him to come back. I was told that he was strining me and her both along, in case if one of us truly doesn't want him maybe the other one will.

The bad part is, everytime he has come back and told me he wanted to work things out, I would sleep with him and then two days later he is gone again. I might learn one day.

Jilly - How was he as a husband BEFORE the affair?

Also, since you slept with him, you might want to get checked for STD's. Who knows what cooties the OW might be carrying?

As far as her loving him, blah, blah, blah.......... Figure out what emotional needs of his that she may be meeting. Might be admiration - that is common.

Jilly,

I know this is cold comfort, but most of us were blindsided.

All I noticed was that he became more distant and uninvolved. No interaction with anyone, and very little with me. Not interesting in talking about it--I tried. Was depressed but rebuffed any idea of getting help. Spent evenings in front of the TV, uncommunicative. Turns out he had a lot on his mind, but being conflict-avoidant, wouldn't talk about it. Just decided I was the "wrong woman." Eventually found OW. Let me tell you what a shock THAT was, after 37 years of marriage.

When they won't talk to you, look out.

Right Here Waiting

With me, it was such a long slow slope that I didn't realize how withdrawn she was. took her for granted. My W was such a religious, introverted person no one in our life saw it coming. Her pastor seriously asked me three times if it could be the result of a brain tumor.

The clicking the window off when I entered was the trigger that made me put in a keylogger.

Anyway, you know, so that is past. Get used to the fact that your emotions will change every 4 hours. From kiss to kill. Just don't overreact to either extreme. ask the man who knows :-)

Anyway, you seem at least interested in fighting for him some times, and he seems interested in pursuing the possibility of reconciliation some times, so you should get into immediate phone counseling with the Harleys through the counseling center here.

Hi Jilly00,

Welcome to MB. I posted to you in haste yesterday, simply answering your question about ignored signs.

Today, I read your thread and your sister's thread on the Just Found Out forum. I'm so sorry for your pain but it's good that you have family members who care about you and are willing to seek help for you (and with you).

Like RHW said above, most of us are blindsided by this for one reason or another. Please don't continue to beat yourself up (or allow the hurtful words/thoughts of others to condemn you) for something that is not your fault, especially when you need to focus on what happens NOW and what you want for your FUTURE.

Read all you can here, keep seeking and venting, and many who have walked in your shoes will help you endure this bumpy rollercoaster ride. Kudos to your sister for posting first and to you for following through and seeking personal help.

Ace

Oh I'm going to feel bad if I say this but I guess it needs to be said. It will probably also say alot about what kind of person I must be too. Here it goes.....

What kind of person was he before the affair? A hard worker, good provider, great with the kids. However, he was a liar. That should have been the first tip off for alot of things I guess. He came from a family where there were alot of lies and deceit on his dad and moms side. He is an only child and very close to his mother. I have no problem with that, BUT I think his mother is alot of his problem. He learned alot from her, and they were not always the best things. I have just learned something new and I am going to make another thread about it! His mom and I always got along, now that were are seperated, she is causing trouble!!

The STD thing, yes I actually have an appt this coming week for that.

signs???
changing cell phone
talking about workmates and 2 in particular
changing computer pages when i walked into the room
joining social networking pages after sneering at DD16's ones for months
Taking the family key logger off
becoming hateful and hurtful
making comments like "you would be better off without me"
sudden reduction in SF
not kissing, not hugging
going out all the time for drives
working later and later but not getting more $$$ for it
constant texting

I finally googled signs of an affair, found a page with 48 signs, he fitted 39 of them....

I still wasnt sure until he actually told me :RollieEyes:

I was so naive and trusting, but they were so typical like anyone elses.

He stopped opening up doors for me.

He wasn't as patient with me as before.

He got angry faster, shorttempered.

He stopped having SF with me completely and told me I wasn't safe and he couldn't trust me.

ILYBNILWU schpiel

Disappearing for hours on end. He gave me the most amazing excuses. I felt so sorry for him at times... what a schmuck.....


Ooops almost forgot the cell phone. He had a SECRET ONE that he text with her I imagine all the time and described in detail what he would do to her.

My boys, then 17 and 14 found the phone and ultimately confronted him. To expose my children to such trash and not even be sorry for it. Jerk....

Went to do some extra vehicle detailing the last month he lived with me a couple of nights a week. Was not going to get paid until the job was done, but he did come up with $80 that they paid him the week before we went away... I guess he hit up OW for a loan.

Was miserable on the cruise for his brothers wedding. Completely miserable.

Kept saying he would find someone else to go with if my passport did not get in on time. (he had someone all right)

During our years together, I walked in on messenger windows closing quickly on the pc. Claimed that his buddy had given out his email addy and people were adding him, so he was humouring them.

Started hanging out with "new friends" during that month and went out a couple times more often then normal.

Things that did not change...

SF was normal.

We still did things together.

Spent majority of our evenings alone together.

Ms. Manners brings up an important aspect for evaluating behavior changes (or lack of them) during the affair:


My WH was grateful that I forgave him and OW (she called to apologize to me immediately) as soon as they both said "I'm sorry, it will never happen again". I had no idea about withdrawal from this 'affair addiction'.

I figured (wrongly) that everything would be OK and that the slate was wiped clean. (Our then-ineffective MC confirmed that this was the Christian thing to do.)

For a week after D-Day #1, WH made all the changes I had been seeking for 30+ years, being nice, having a great attitude, apologizing quickly and owning/amending/adjusting his errors as soon as he realized he did them.....

....BUT....

He was in withdrawal (and I had unknowingly begun to enable him).

He still secretly pined for the 'high' from his 'addiction' and set up another secret email account at work for OW, which kicked a confirmation back to our home PC (and I saw it within an hour).

I faked it all weekend, sent a scathing email to that fake account from our home email address, and waited for him to react. In the meantime, he continued with his 'act' of valuing me, being nice to me....etc.....in spite of the fact that he had gone further underground.

I won't go into D-Day #3 (link in my sig line) but the point is that some WH's are such great liars from the FOO (family of origin) habits that it could take a long time to notice those signs.

Jilly, I agree that you should keep your issues to one thread but I'm glad you started this thread discussion for other posters and lurkers who might be able to identify signs of this devastating occurance in their lives.

Like Ms. Manners said, some things may seem the same in your experience that others may find have changed in theirs.

After D-Day #4 (when I gave up and agreed that WH should leave), he chose to change and showed me during our nearly 240 hours together ~ 10 day vacation we had preplanned ~ that he was serious.

The difference I noticed was that he decreased and eventually stopped his angry outbursts when I needed help dealing with rebuilding trust in him. Instead of sighing and saying "Can't we move on?" like he did when he was further underground, he began softly sincerely saying "I'll do whatever it takes to help you heal."

It's been two years since the handwritten NC and a year since we've needed our tough MC 's help. (We quit the first MC after WH successfully lied to him for 4 months and MC downplayed my mentioning MB books as "not being scientifically proven".)

We are still dealing with issues, but the anger is nearly gone....thank God!

Ace

Just going to add...

The affair went on for one month prior to his leaving. We came home from his brothers wedding, and XH wanted to go out and lied about where he was going to me. I was angry, as we had not spent any of our vacation alone together, and I had hoped we could get some things done around our home; together.

He stormed out that night after making a huge deal out of nothing, and did not come home. It was not until a week later that I found out why.

There were certainly signs, but I misintrepreted all of them until 4 days prior to D-day, when I became suspicous, confronted him and he lied.

My H looked terrible. When he was about 4 months into it (three months pre D-day) I remember thinking how old he was looking. I thought it was stress from work.

Thought he had health problems - thought reduced SF was maybe prostate. encouraged him to see doc. of course, he didn't because he knew exactly what was wrong.

Our conversations became a list of what had happened that day, kind of like reading the police blotter, only not as interesting. He was irritable and uncharacteristically short-termpered.

Normally very thoughtful and giving, he pretty much ignored last Christmas, Valentine's Day and my birthday.

What finally led to D-day was the text message from OW in the middle of the night (most probably not an accident, but a forcing function she thought would break us up) and the arrival of the phone bill 4 days later. Months of texting and phone calls had been on the bills, but I had always just paid them without really looking at them.

Just like almost everyone else, I felt stupid and out of touch that this was going on and I was clueless.

AM

This post is hard to read and probably even harder to reply to. For me Affair #1 was 13 years ago. Affair #2 wad DDayed last Friday! Aarrrggghhhh.

Yes, I feel like a complete idiot for not checking, not seeing, trying to bury my head in the sand, for trusting, for trying to be a better husband and working harder on our marriage when she was in fact a wayward wife (WW, sorry, not fan of acronyms).

Signs:

- Less texts and calls to me while she was at work
- Wanted to attend conference by herself, where she met the OM
- sex life just bland, but it had been for quite a while
- confronted me about not doing things around house, helping out more with kids, how she was resentful of me
- got on anti-depresants
- biggest sign was just a gut feeling deep down inside that something was wrong. I think I new there was another man, but was afraid to know. Had the same gut feeling during affair #2...should have listened to my gut!