Ok,
Here is my dilema. My wife of 6 yrs has been having an affair with an ex boyfriend for the past 2.5 yrs. The same two participants ruined their last marriages by their actions. About 3yrs ago, his exwife took him back. I never knew anything till the day I found pics of her on my computer. That was this November.The next night I found explicit emails. The next day I confronted and told it was a 3 month affair. After a couple of weeks and some real nice "makeup" time, the emails continued and I confronted again with help of counselor to find out it was 2.5yrs and sexual.I actually wrote an email for her to send to him. I confronted the wife and she told me of the previous affair. To say the least, the last month has been a whirlwind. Not sure what to do. Not sure to believe it is over.Not sure if I can forgive and forget. Any help is greatly appreciated. We do have two small kids to make things a litte more complicated but that did not stop them before as his wife was pregnant the first time..

Jack, I would look into getting some IC as a means of determining whether being married to someone that has betrayed you like this(such a long affair, lots of lying) is something you would be able to handle long term. They say not to make any major decisions for quite sometime. That applies both to the decision to divorce, as well as the decison to attempt to remain in the marriage.
Most relationships touched by infidelity do not survive. Iread a study by a woman researcher who interviewed betrayed husbands that had remained in the marriage. The interviews took place at roughly the 1-2 year mark post discovery and the decison to attempt reconcilliation. The sample size was not disclosed. But, the researcher found that alomost unanimously the men that remained married to women that cheated on them regretted the decison down the road.
The researcher hypothesized that two factors drove the initial desire to rconcile: a competetive urger as regards the other man and the fear of the unknown and being alone.
Apparently, after the initial response to these urges abated, the men found it very difficult to live with someone that had betrayed them in this way.
Perhaps a therapist can help you assess your own motivations and tolerances.
Sorry your wife has engaged in such serious emotional abuse.

Zelmo,
Thanks for the advice. I am seeing my counselor at 10 to discuss ending this. Too much...I do not want to be around this and certainly can't keep my little one's in this mix.Besides, I don't like being up at 3 anyway.

I am so sorry for your pain. That is a long time for an affair. I personally think the future depends on what your partner wants. If she is really sorry and regrets it more than anything, then go for counseling as there is a chance for you. But if she is anything less than truly full of regrets, let her go.

No matter what, you have to look after yourself. Sometimes people make mistakes. Mistakes they really really regret and would change things. Another lover is secret and a person who makes you feel so good is very tempting. But once found out, you can realise what you put at risk. Another lover does not mean she does not love you. Relationships can be complicated. But people do make mistakes. Sometimes things can be better than ever after someone is found out. Maybe she is happy you found out, to force a breakup. Maybe she completely regrets what she has indulged in. I don't know. I would suggest you take time to sit by yourslef and understand for you, what it would take to keep this marriage going. Then if it doesn't go your way, look after yourself, know the boundary is broken and go into the process of shock, rage, denial, grief so hat you oneday move on. But if its meant to be, she will fight for you. Remember that actions speak louder then works.

I send you hugs.

Jack,
I feel for you. So many of us here do. First things first. No matter what your decision is you should prepare for a long road ahead. After I found out about my WW in August '07 (1 month after it started) my very first post here in Oct 07 was in the Recovery forum because she claimed she had stopped talking/seeing him. What a joke that was. It took 6 months of heartbreak before she really was serious about ending it. If your WW's A has been 2.5 yrs do not trust anything she says. Do not trust! Chances are it will all be lies and your high hopes will only get crushed.

In a certain way your WW is addicted just as using drugs. Addicts will stop at NOTHING to get their fix. It will take much time and effort to rid herself of this addiction. Just as you would care for a drug addict is how you will probably have to care for her. Loving her as Jesus loved, giving 110% and expecting nothing in return. That is true love. You can choose your actions based on your morals and ethics. It is a wonderful feeling to do such in the face of a s--t storm. You will be proud of yourself. (This is the essence of Plan A.) Versus if you choose to act based on your feelings. Feelings are like a sea of storms. You never know whats next and your ship will likely be swamped because it has no direction, just tossed about by big waves.

Another great analogy is that if you choose, you are going to be the lighthouse in her storm guiding her from the storm into your harbor of love and acceptance. You cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel because you are the light.

Second, a previous poster said most marriages do not survive. References would be nice because the reason we are all here is that Dr. Harley discovered that many do survive. Mine has. Ask hundreds or thousands of other MBer's here. Dr. Harley's principles and methods do work. You can recover and move on to a great marriage if you are both willing to learn and study and commit. But again there are so many steps in between now and then. Filled with heartache and pain and sleepless nights. Been there.

Before all this exploded you were probably willing to at least say you would die for her and your family right? Well this is that time. Your sacrificial love can possibly lead her down the right path. I'm not suggesting you do this. I'm only suggesting it can be done. Because it will be probably one of the most difficult things you will ever do.

As you add more details to your situation we can comment on which steps or MBer principles to apply.

The things that became most important in my life during this horrific time was praying, learning from Jesus and Dr. Harley, and reading these boards daily for inspiration.

I guess I will be the one to fire this off!!! You may need to get a DNA test done on your kids. In the end you may find the timeframe of this to have been much longer.

I second the DNA tests.

I would also expose to the WW's parents and siblings.

How close do you live to the OM?

Do they work together or near each other?

Started the process of DNA today. Thanks for the truthfulness.

I live about ten minutes away but work in the same building as other wife...Their hids are 10, twins.

That's actually really bad advice. I doubt there is a single person in an active affair who did this.

Jack - you will get many more responses if you move your thread to the General Questions II forum.

Click on the notify a moderator button if youwant to do that and ask the mods to move it for you.

How do I move to General Questions? Thanks

BigK,

You KNOW what you posted above is false. We've had this ongoing discussion within the past week.

Personally, I feel EXACTLY as Rainbowblue does ... and you KNOW that there is at least ONE SINGLE PERSON on MB that responded this way ... my FWW, FogFree.

If you can throw up how Mrs. BigK's actions are the exception to my beliefs that a WW that won't go NC IMMEDIATELY and RECOMMIT to the M is not worth the effort required for R ... then you must recognize that my experiences are the complete opposite of yours and neither experience alone justifies a blanket statement that fits every situation.

Apparently, BOTH immediate ultimatums AND Plan's A & B are effective in the right circumstances depending on the individual BH/WW's personalities and tolerances.

Jack should become familiar with ALL options and evaluate his own personality and tolerances before committing to ANY plan.

jack,

From reading your responses, it appears that you are more of an ACTION type of guy, rather than a conflict avoider.

If this is correct, considering you are dealing with a Long Term Affair (LTA), do you think you can get past this level of disrespect from your Wayward Wife (WW), even IF she would agree to fully recommit to the M AND be willing to do the amount of heavy lifting required of her to rebuild your trust?

Good move on taking immediate action on the DNA testing. The results may be painful, but its best to know EXACTLY what the facts are, so you can make a fully informed decision about your life.

Actually, it is bad advice and BigK is right. Most waywards are not remorseful according to Dr Harley. No remorse - initially - is the RULE, rather than the exception. So if we kicked every WS to the curb who was not sufficiently "remorseful" most of them would be kicked to the curb.

And whether or not a WS is "worth the effort" is your opinion only. That is not the opinion - or EXPERIENCE - of many recovered marriages. You are not in a position to decide if someone else's spouse is "worth the effort." MrW, Mortarman, Mimi and many others might feel a little differently about that.

Your kick em to the curb approach might suit you, but it clearly doesn't suit others.

Once again, you refute Dr. Harley, MyRev and I dare say he has saved one or two more marriages than you. Don't give up your day job, friend.

here

here

1st ... once again you are taking my words and advice OUT OF CONTEXT, but that is nothing new when you think someone has an opposing opinion from yours.

Also, if you would re-read my post, you will see that I CLEARLY state that a BH should be aware of ALL options and implement the one that best suits his personality and tolerances.



2nd ... we AREN'T friends. :RollieEyes:

In other words, you can't defend your opinion. AS USUAL.

AS USUAL ... you are spinning the words of others to suit your purposes.

IF jack returns to this thread and wants to explore my approach, I'll be very open to that exchange ... OTOH, I have no need to and WON'T defend anything to you.

Hopefully he will return, but I suspect it may be for the Marriage Builders "approach." After all, that is the sign on the DOOR.

I DON'T post anything I "know" to be false myrev.


Correct me if I am wrong by all means Myrev but wasn't fogfree's affair a ONS? Not an active affair at all?


Lack of remorse and refusal are pretty much the norm here. I also recognise that your approach worked for you in your specific situation.


I don't disagree however the "kick em to the curb" approach would fail more often than not.


I totally agree.

Yes and NO ... Yes, the PA was only one night ... However, the EA lasted for a couple of weeks until I discovered her emails. At that point, I called her immediately and told her to get her a$$ home, and she called OM on the way home ... so NO, IMHO it was still ACTIVE at the time of discovery.


In all honesty ... so does Plan A & B. Regardless of the approach taken ... the recovery rate after an A is not very good. Some of us just knew ourselves and our WW's well enough to choose the best approach for the personalities and tolerance of those involved.

Happy New Year down under!!!