It's contact.

She is in a very wayward mindset yet she demands trust?

You are right not to trust her, She needs to earn trust by being transparent and honest. and she wouldn't tell you about contact with OM??? Foggy as hell.

Big K,

The problem is that she doesn't know what she wants still. I don't understand why not. She says that she is at a crossroad, and she doesn't want to make a rushed decision. HUH? Over the weekend my car wouldn't start, I thought it was the battery, bought a new one and went to put it in, and there was a hose cut on top of the engine. Then i went in to work on Monday and find that the 2 trucks that I drive regularly were vandalized. I don't know if I just have a big rain cloud over me, but there really are too many things for it all to be a coincedence. She doesn't think that it could be him, which I don't push, but when you have a man with a lengthy criminal record, and then all of this happens, how can it not enter your mind. So your saying that the pictures are contact, that sucks. I was looking at this as 3 weeks of NC. The MC says that I can't demand anything at this point, that she needs to end this in her own way, or we will have this problem again. I see the wisdom on both sides, but she still doesn't want to kiss me. Hower, it seems as though she is more accepting of how I feel, saying that she understands and would feel the same way. It's progress the hard way I guess

You need to dump this MC, then. You will CONTINUE to have this problem until there is total NC!

Your wife is pretty typical. There may be some false starts and breaches of NC. However, NC should be a boundary of yours and you should be prepared to divorce over it if she continually breaches it.

I also think you'd do better with the Harleys or some MC that understands adultery.

Have you read any of the threads here? You will see, again and again and again and again, the exact same words your wife is spewing. It's human nature. It's biochemical. It's inevitable in an affair.

Your mission is to ignore it ALL. Expose, Plan A, Plan B if necessary, but by all means, stop the affair! You have the right to fight for the marriage vows she gave you!

Well, we are one month into it. After receiving strange text messages and my car being vandalized again, my wife thinks that I may be going crazy, so we argued alot this weekend. Then on Monday she found out that at least one of the text messages was sent by his best friend. I thought that this would make it better, it did to a point. She still said last night that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. She knows that she loves me, but like a brother. She wants me to understand this, in case it doesn't work out. I told her I understand what she is saying, but I can't get it through my head that the last 16 years was a waste of time. That she loved me so much, and I her, that I can't believe that it can go away. Please tell me that this is a normal reaction, and that this will get better. She has seen that I talk to you all. I told her that you all offer me words of encouragment, not breaking her down. I love her so much, and I miss her. Please tell me that 1 month in this is all normal, please tell me this will get better soon.

Hello everyone, and Merry Christmas. I haven't been on in a while, so I thought that I should tell you all what is happening. First of all, I must say that the last 2 weeks has gotten better. My ww still doesn't show any affection of her own, but she doesn't pull away as hard either. When I try to hold her hand, most of the time she lets me, and sometimes holds back. Sometimes she hugs back as well. She even gave me a hug last week! I am allowed to kiss her on the cheek, but thats it. Last night I asked her to lay on the couch with me, she said that I was pushing too much. Yesterday being Christmas, I thought that I would get a kiss and hug, I was wrong, and that hurt alot. I am almostpositive that there is no conact right now, as I have searched for cell phones, talked to people at her work, and this morning I followed her. I have seen nothing to indicate that there is any contact. There could be emails or calls on the work phone, but I have no way of knowing. The NC was established on Nov. 17. So on Monday it will be six weeks. I do have to say that I can see that she is trying to be normal, at least in having fun and joking. Yesterday she gave everyone hugs and kisses, from the dog and cat to my brothers and sisters and my parents, except me. I don't understand this. I don't understand that I tell her how much I love her, and all she says is "I know". I talked to her mother, and she thinks that it is getting better from the way that my wife talks to her, that I just need to be patient. I don't need to tell all of you how hard this is. I see her giving what she can, but I still want more. I feel as though over the last 16 years any mistakes that I made big or small, she held inside, and noe it is time to pay for them all. I love her, and miss her, but I don't know how long I can do this. I now know what "take it one day at a time" means. I still feel as though I am being punished, and I don't dare talk about anything that she has done wrong, that is off limits, including the A. She gives me an attitude about something and I smile and take it. I see a Nissan Altima(his car) and I wonder if she wishes she were in it. It doesn't even matter what color. I see a Motel 6, and I wonder if she wishes she were in there with him. I don't say a word though. I have given new meaning to "Fake it til you make it". Please tell me that the affection is coming soon. I know that the withdraw isn't done for approx 6 months, but is that when I have to expect affection as well?

Can someone respond please. I really could use some support and encouragment.

Chuck - I suggest you scrape up the money to make one call to the Harleys so that you can get a plan. Your wife SHOULD be coming out of withdrawal by now, so there may be some contact.

Also she needs to answer all of your questions, be an open book, write a no contact letter that YOU approve and send.

The affairees may just be laying low until OM finishes damage control with his wife.

Chuck,

I agree with Believer. I think calling the Harleys will be the best money you ever spent. They deal with this stuff day in and day out. Your WW needs to understand that you need answers and she does have to talk about it. You will never heal if you allow her to just sweep it under the rug.

You have a bazooka in your a-r-s-e-n-a-l, use it. Throw away the squirt guns.

Geesh, now they edit a-r-s-e-n-a-l

I'm sorry, maybe I am misunderstanding, but are you saying that she should be coming out of withdraw after 6 weeks? I thought that it was 6 months.

Marsh,

My reaction to what the so-called OM's wife said about her husband being in an affair is exactly what yours is:


THIS IS NOT A NORMAL REACTION.


I don't for one single minute believe that chuck talked to the OM's wife.

These are not the words that a woman speaks when she discovers the affair of her husband.

Unless, she is in an affair herself. So.....maybe chuckie was talking to one of his WW's friends.

Do a little more checking, chuck. This OMW doesn't sound right to me.

SB

Chuck,

Install a keylogger on your computer.


Your WW is still talking to her honey.

You need to stand up to her, to him, and find the OM's wife. The REAL wife.

SB

You guys are way off. I agree that it was not a normal reaction, but that was his wife. I have been to his house and seen her and him together, and they did not know that I was there. I didn't break the news to her, she said that she already knew. When I spoke to her on the phone later, she knew.

As far as my wife goes, she has little to no oppurtunity at home to have contact, and through the computer, none at all. I did follow her to work, no sign of him. She calls much more often, and I am beginning to feel as though all of the hard work on both sides is paying off. I feel as though the walls are starting ever so slowly to come down. I really believe at this point in time, that there is NC! I found a book in my wifes car titled "Should I Stay, or Should I go, how a controlled seperation could save your marriage" I asked her about it, as I could tell that it was never opened. She said that she had bought it about 3 weeks ago. I will be honest, it made me feel good that she was, at a time when I wasn't sure of her, looking for ways to save our marriage. We seem to be really starting to enjoy each other again, and I think that xmas has helped. We went to my family, and she saw and felt that she wsn't hated. She slept through the night for the first time since her reveal. Again, she doesn't give affection on her own yet, but she doesn't pull away as much either. I absolutly see her trying. I could be a fool, but you have to believe in something. I hear her talk to her best friend or her mother, she is talking about our house being rebuilt. While I don't like where we are, I know that we are both working hard. I feel as though we are going in the right direction. The more she gives, the easier it gets. I know that I am impatient, and I am learning not to show it, but I feel like we are getting better.

Chuck - Well, I hope things work out for you. Give it a bit more time. But for me, there are red flags. I wish you would talk to the Harleys. The Should I Stay or Should I Go book is NOT a marriage builders book. We have seen lots of WS's get that one. It is more about getting separated and remaining friends.

You might want to look up the reviews.

OK, I have looked at the reviews and it's not good, but I am still encouraged that she was looking for a way to help. I have to try and trust what she says. I looked in the trash for the bag and receipt, but they were not there. Meaning that she had bought it awhile ago. I know that I am giving conflicting reports of what I feel in a matter of hours, but I am mad and sad that we are not where I want us to be. At the same time I do think that I need to recognize that she is genuinely trying to do what she can. Today she called me from work just to talk. This is happening more and more often again. I then went to her work to take her to lunch, but she said that she would rather skip lunch today, and come home an hour early. I look at this and think, she didn't have to tell me that she is skipping lunch. She could have done so, and then been with OM after work. She didn't, she came home. She was here quickly. I have doubts, but for the most part, for the last 16 years she has been a wonderful trust worthy person. I need to believe her now!

Chuck - You can give it more time. I am not trying to discourage you. Maybe she IS in withdrawal. But I'm just saying, guard your heart.

Very good advise Believer, and I do appreciate it. As I sit here I begin to wonder, if she wanted to read a book to help us, why not one of the books that I have bought dealing with the recovery of an affair? Maybe, she just wasn't in that frame of mind at the time. I don't know. My 11 year old son just came into the living room and said it was a good day. I said I thought so to. He then said that he doesn't trust it, why is she trying so hard? I said maybe all of the hard work is starting to pay off. I don't know what to think half of the time. I love my wife, and I can see that there were things that I did over the last 16 years to contribute to this. That doesn't make it right, but all I can do is try to get back to being me, and then a little better. My wife is not a bad person, I have always believed in her, and while it is very difficult to do so now, I will. With a little checking to be sure. Can you tell me, is this where we should be 6 weeks in? The MC said last week that we are right where he would want us to be right now, and while I don't like everything that he has said, I do see a plan, and it isn't all that far off of what is here. Maybe just less forceful alowing my wife to feel as though she made the decision of NC.

Have any of you during recovery ever felt as though you had gone through this all before without the knowledge of know what you were going through? I don't know that for sure, just a feeling.

Also,the only reason that I haven't talked to the Harley's is because I think that my wife is comfy with our MC, and would balk at the suggestion. Yes, I think it would help, but only if we both would listen with an open mind. I think suggesting that we are not doing enough right now would hurt us. I would love to book a weekend trip to a seminar, but I don't think she would be receptive, YET. She has slowly begun to talk about things in the future though. With us together, such as a trip to Germany in the summer.