My 23 year relationship ended in May. He was not unfaithful in that he did not get intimate with other women, but he was pursuing them. We had broken up for 3 months last year, then reconciled. But he loved dating new women and when we reconciled he as still emailing, texting and phoning them....clearly pursuing them. He also did not understand the concept of emotional betrayal. We were soul mates and I fought for us. But he was going through intense business stresses and it all got too much and he changed. I gave him chances but he blew them all and I kicked him out in May. We have stayed in touch and see each other often. He has lived with another woman, slept with several and even proposed to the woman he lived with a month after we broke up. That ended a few months later.

He now realises that I am what he he has always wanted and he is so sad and will do anything to reconcile. I love this man, and what we had was really good. But the devastation I have been through in the last 18 months is beyond words. Can we reconcile? Can it work? How can I trust him again? I never ever would have believed he could do what he did to me - but he did do it. Since we have split though, he has always helped me with debts and always been there when I needed help. And visa versa.

Is it possible to reconcile successfully, after he has been with other women and hurt me so much?
How do I know I can trust him? I don;t want to become a jealous possessive wife - I never was and never intend to be.
How do I know he really truly does mean it when he says all the right things? He said that a year ago and they turned out to be empty words.
He cries every day, missing what he had.
I would do anything to be together with him again. But how does a woman know the man really does mean what he says, to the extent that it is lasting and not temporary?

I can hear you now saying a man does not change. A man who has played around for a while will never stop - is that true? He even slept with a female friend of his (once) How can I ever meet her. And the woman he lived with and proposed to is now a director in a company he has shares in and helps manage. Is it possible to accept that those two will always be a part of his life? How can I go to BBQs and dinners with these people?! But if we reconcile, they are a part of his life and therefore would be part of mine. This man was so devoted to me, so loyal. I don't understand how he changed. Can he truly realise his mistake and be the partner I always thought he was again?
Am I a fool to even consider this reconciliation?
Should I just say no and move on?

I am in Australia and we don't have very good therapists. Well we do but how to find the good ones is near impossible from my experience. The two I tried during our marriage were clearly men haters. Therefore any web resources would be gratefully welcomed. plus any experience you have to share.

Here in the US, we have a lot of websites that people start just to rate local specialists. I found my psychiatrist and my daughter's OB/GYN by reading the reviews and picking the ones who had the most rave ratings. Look for such sites. I Googled "doctor" and "my location (put in yours)" and "review" (without the quotes).

As for reconciling, ask your H if he will commit to a series of telephone conferences with one of the Harleys (the people who started this website). I hear that they are amazing when it comes to reconciling people and getting through the fluff. It costs a bit, but if he really wants you back, he'll be willing to do it (and pay for it). If he's not willing to do such a thing, he probably just wants a wife back to take care of his other ENs that his affair partners weren't meeting. If you read Harley's book His Needs Her Needs, you'll see that affair partners meet certain needs for men (hot sex, admiration) while the wife meets others (domestic support, etc.) - that's why they have affairs, rather than just move out. They want BOTH. Apparently his need for your ENs may be strong enough that he will take a chance on giving up the others (but it's your job to make sure you provide them if he comes back).

As a first step, print out the Love Buster questionnaire for both of you, and have him fill his out. See if you are willing to stop doing the things that he thinks you do that tick him off.

After that, have him fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. See if you are willing to meet his ENs. If not, there's no point getting back together.

Finally, if he still works with ANY of his affair partners, he will have to change jobs - quit working there. If he is unwilling to do that, do NOT take him back.

Thanks Catperson (I am a big catperson too!)
I think calling Dr Harley would be a good move and I know my ex would be willing. Now off to search for the number )and the questonnaire).

Some people on General Questions II may be able to help you with reconciliation.